Turn Your Kids Into Cash!

Greetings potential parentals.  If you’ve got a baby on the way but are a little worried that it’s not your nature to nurture, maybe you should stop asking yourself the question, “how do I take care of my baby?”  and start asking, “How can my baby take care of me?”  Put down that volume of Dr. Spock and make sure your new son or daughter is ready to rock with the latest friendly trend of turning your kids into cash!

Now we here at the Trendliest aren’t condoning selling your newborns onto the black market (just yet).  We’re merely suggesting that you start preparing your child for a successful career early on so they can literally and figuratively stop sucking at your teat before they ever start while chipping in a little towards your monthly rent or mortgage payment that their birth has helped make more difficult to pay.

First off, the road to success starts in the womb and certainly is paved with both placenta and gold.  While your child is developing, don’t underestimate the importance of music.  Play as much meaningless pop as you can so when your child finally pops out he or she will be influenced by the songs of relatively young idols like Britney Spears and Avril Lavigne, appearing at an early age to want to follow their career path.  Once your child is old enough to hum or sing, invoke the Lynne Spears Method of Parenting as laid out in her book, Through The Storm: A Real Story of Fame and Family in a Tabloid World.

Goodbye Dr. Spock, Hello Lynne!

The most important part of this method is never saying no to your child.  If you’ve done your job correctly so far, your son/daughter will want to be a singer. Cater to all their performance whims and make sure to constantly encourage them in their performance field.  Be sure to purchase a big stereo with a karaoke feature and a top of the line microphone so that they might practice at home for all of their big auditions, it’ll pay for itself. Tell your child they have the most beautiful voice in the world and that they should take singing and dancing lessons and go on auditions so mommy and daddy won’t be poor no more.

As for education, School is a formality when you’re getting your degree in Showbiz.    No matter how unready your child may be, ignoring education will put a fast track to success and a slightly slower track to the mental ward or rehab, but the latter two results are just minor obstacles to maintaining a fabulous career.

This Could Be Your Child!

No Wait...This Could Be Your Child...Much Better

If you’ve not succeeded in Ms. Spears method your child might want to be an NFL Place kicker, a fireman or Chief of Police, in which case you should probably start practicing kickoffs, taking your child to the firehouse to practice drills, or just having a gun in the house to hone those respective skills.  After all catering to your childs first whim and encouraging them to be whatever they want to be as long as it has the potential to earn you cash is the trendliest way to parent.

It's Never Too Early To Start Getting Them Ready

Learn By Osmosis!

Are you thinking of enrolling in university so that you can finally get that degree in Earth Science or TV repair you’ve always wanted?  Well put down that paper and pencil because at the Richard Dean Anderson Trendliest School of Higher Educational Learning, we’ll prepare you for a career in whatever it is you’ve always dreamed of doing without the bureaucratic hassle or benefit of one of those expensive certified academic institutions.  Sure you could waste years and thousands of dollars going to “school”, but we know you’d rather the quick and easy approach (that’s what she said).   If you’ve got the need, the need for speed learning, the only friendly and trendy method is Osmosis.

Garfield: The Smartest Cat Alive

While in actuality Osmosis is defined as “the diffusion of fluids through membranes or porous partitions” it has been adapted to refer to not just water, but to all fields of knowledge apparent in one’s surroundings being effortlessly absorbed through the pores of the human brain solely based on proximity.  The very first being to put this method of immediate education to good use was the philosopher cat Garfield, who not only learned all of the school subjects in one fell swoop, but learned a secret recipe for lasagna by simply placing his paw on John Arbuckle’s dinner one evening.

The Album That Launched Three Million Guitar Lessons

Osmosis has also been used as a handy marketing tool by people who no doubt had once brushed their hand on a marketing textbook.  In 1995, an Epic Records product manager insisted Ozzy Osbourne title his latest album Ozzmosis.  The effect was astonishing as over three million metalheads flocked to stores to buy the album in the hopes that by owning it they would learn how to play guitar as well as if not better than frequent Ozzy collaborator Zakk Wylde.  A similar strategy was employed for the 2001 film Osmosis Jones which ultimately failed because everyone who fell for it the first time was too busy taking guitar lessons the day the movie was in theaters.

VP Candidate Sarah Palin Waves To Her Neighbor Vladimir Putin

Now after laying dormant for seven years or so, the Republican Party has once again jumped on the  bandwagon for the method of learning that Garfield so brazenly introduced.  Prior to announcing the Vice Presidential nomination of Alaska Governor Sarah Palin, the Grand ‘Ol Party made the potential first right-hand lady spend just under two years in a house where she could see Russia out the window so that she might gather all of the foreign policy know how she would ever need.  As an added bonus, she listened to John Denver albums on a loop and learned how to be folksy.  Well, all that osmosis has certainly paid off and Sarah Palin is poised for a historic visit to the White House.   Maybe if she ever goes into the Lincoln bedroom and touches his portrait she’ll learn a little something about good presidentin’ too.  Wouldn’t that be something?

Think Outside The Box!

Greetings all you masters of your own imagination.  Have you recently been trying to flex your creative muscle only to have it slam into the wall of your padded cell upon full extension?  Don’t you think it would be easier to get your inspirational juices flowing away from the confines of a cubicle or cardboard box that you call home?  We do too, that’s why we here at Trendliest are recommending the latest friendly, trendly method in exercising your own ingenuity, thinking outside the box!

If you’ve ever suffered from a wicked case of writer’s block or painter’s brush, you know that the mother of invention doesn’t always let you suck at her teat, no matter how close you hover to her said teat.  While begging and pleading for something to happen sometimes forces brilliance, often times separating yourself from your source of torment - whether it be that one act play on the history of your patellar tendon or that song you’re writing for Avril Lavigne’s soulless new album- can accelerate your impulse to innovate and sometimes it’s just good to get out and smell the fresh air, or if you’re in a city, the cat urine.

The phrase thinking outside the box came about in the early days of civilation when great thinkers such as Socrates and Confucius would give advice to the emperors of their day.  It is a little known fact that both renowned philosophers were not in fact human, but were actually chinchillas.  When a great emperor or empress needed a wise word, he would simply take Socrates, Confucius, Archimedes, or Carl Sagan out of his pet container and propose a great question that called for sage advice.  Since no one ever heard these wise beings give advice while they were inside of their boxes, it was assumed that all of their knowledge was derived from being outside the box.

Modern Domesticated Chinchillas Rarely Hand Out Sage Advice

A Somewhat Ideal Spot for "Thinking Outside The Box"

It is for this very reason today that many conference rooms are built in a non-boxy, circular arrangements to give the illusion of not being in open space by enclosing said space with windows overlooking the wonder that is mother nature, so that even the lowliest of employees might be inspired to come up with an idea that’s positively Chinchillan, allowing company higher-ups to milk their underlings for the friendly and trendy ideas that can be derived from “thinking outside the box”.

Get Your Feet Wet

Greetings to the many fish in the trendly sea! Are you looking to get your feet wet, but would like to avoid the inevitable discomfort presented by the change of trying something new? Well the latest friendly trend in footwear won’t make you feel comfortable when you walk a mile in someone’s else’s shoes, but if you don’t like swimming because you have a crippling fear of getting any type of liquid all over your precious paws, perhaps you should try taking a swim in your socks. Not just any pair of knee high knits will shelter your instep from a high seas soaking, you’re going to need to slide into a pair of aqua socks.

Aqua socks were originally invented for Navy Seals (1990), when famous Hollywood actor Charlie Sheen’s contract rider demanded a special kind of shoe be created so that the Wall Street star’s toes wouldn’t get all prune-ish during the filming of water scenes. Once the on set military consult saw how well the shoes worked in terms of keeping digits dry and being less noisy than a pair of boots that tended to clip-clop making sneaking up on opponents impossible; he urged that the US government manufacture the fancy footwear for a special military issue.

Where It All Began

After making their mark in military invasions of Canada, Panama, and Iraq; Aquasocks became all the rage. Brands like Speedo and Nike began churning out their own versions in their factories in Sri Lanka and Burma so that rich kids in summer camp could show off their ornate waterfront footwear and laugh at their less fortunate peers who could only afford flip flops.

Poor Children Too Ashamed To Show Their Faces

Aqua socks went out of production for a long while as the companies that produced them were too busy moving their factories to places where they could get children who demanded less pay to produce them. Also, their small hands were perfect for reaching in between clogged, razor-sharp gears. However, with the start of the Iraq War in 2003, the NAVY Seals were back in action and in need of some sleek water wear. Just like that they were being massed produced once again, and thanks to the popularity of the war at home all of the kids have started slipping them on yet again…and if the kids are wearing them yet again, they must be friendly, trendy, and patriotic.

Take Three

Greetings toilers of the trendletariat. Are you tired of the traditional grind of the five day work week, spending all of that time on the assembly line or reading Gawker at your desk just waiting for the clock to strike 5pm on Friday? Well, what if we told you those days are soon to be a thing of the past because of the latest friendly trend and occupational craze the three-day weekend.

Preparations for Pagan Festival of Human Flesh

The three day weekend has a long and storied tradition beginning with the Pilgrims of the Plymouth Colony who once took Thursday through Saturday off to have a great big feast known as “Thanksgiving” with the local Native American tribe so that they might fatten them up for their eventual slaughter and ingestion at the Pagan “Festival of Human Flesh.”  While the latter festival is long forgotten, we still celebrate Thanksgiving every year by taking a long weekend so that both the Dallas Cowboys and Detroit Lions can play football.

Cowboys and Lions: The Original Three-Day Weekend Warriors

According to a survey done at the Work Institute of America (W.I.A) based on thirty one hours of research or conversations at the watercooler and over Instant Messager at their very own office; most employees only do nine hours of actual work per week. They also found that no matter how many days the work week consisted of, the nine hours of work per week remained constant and that the majority of work days are spent either killing time leading up to lunch, killing time getting ready to go home, reading the newspaper in the bathroom or looking for a new job where they make more money but work less of the time.

In an effort to curb the latter, employees have begun removing Friday or Monday as part of the work schedule in order to eliminate annoying discussions about hump day in the elevator and to a lesser extent increase productivity on other days of the week.

W.I.A: Data Gathering In Action

The study itself was prompted by an actual four day weekend over Thanksgiving in 2002 when employees at Bear Stearns on Wall Street, despite only working Monday through Wednesday the previous week, had no extra work to do when they returned the following Monday, yet marveled at all of the extra time they had to take a quick trip to Vegas, get shitfaced, gamble, and go to strip clubs or as some of them called it “spending time with their family”. And really what’s more friendly and trendy than spending time with the people you love…doing the things you love.

You Can’t Spell Funettickly Without Fun or Tickly

Double, Double, Toil and Trouble Witches of Trendwick! Are you experiencing difficulty casting spells because the words on the page don’t look like the words you’re trying to say? Well, language can be a very tricky thing, and while you may know exactly what you’re trying to say, sometimes spelling it out can be a hassle. That is until now, because the latest friendly and trendy movement in language is to spell things phonetically.

That’s right, it’s time to throw all of those spelling rules you learned in grade school out the door and replace them with the spelling roolz yu lurnd in greyd skool. Thanks to a growing moovment mor and mor inglish speekurs are replaysing the tradishonal spellings of wurdz with onez that look more like the wurdz they’re trying 2 say, compleetly ignoring the fact that most wurdz are mayd up of rootz that help peepul figger out what thoze wurdz meen.

Aaron Spelling: TV Catfight and Phonetic Spelling Pioneer

The funetticks moovment was startid by late teevee honcho Aaron Spelling, who was frekwintly jokingly asked by his frendz too spell thingz for them. Fed up by peepul allwayz assooming he was as good as a dikshunnairy becaws of his last naym, Spelling began duhmanding scriptz for his hit shows yoos ownlee funetticks. This methud beecaym such a big hit with his yung acturz, many of hoom were unedjucated and didint know the diffrents anyway. When shows like “Dynasty” and “Beverly Hills 90210″ cawt on with yooth awdiences, menny of the yung stars wood go 2 skools and preech abowt the valyoo of litterassy. Offen times menny of the mutteerials they yoosed too suppliment theyr tawk contaynd heeps of miss spellingz, but sinz Linda Evans, Ian Ziering and Gabrielle Carteris wurr more famous than Merriam-Webster’s Dictionary in most hy skools, the kidz gravuhtaydid towurdz the noo spellingz and thus spelling funettickly cawt on.

A Nu Generayshun of Funettick Spellurz

When 90210 went off the air in 2000 there were not many young stars touring the high school circuit teaching the value of a good education. With English teachers back at the helm, the importance of word origins and roots re-emerged, turning the National Spelling Bee into a premiere sporting event on par with the Super Bowl. They even made a documentary on it. However, with the announcement of the spinoff show touting Spelling’s fayvuhrit zip coad, spelling funettickly is wuntz more in vowg with tha kidz…and when the kidz are down with sumthing, it makes it mor frendly and trendy than ever.

Get Some Air

Are you looking to rock and roll all nite and be trendly every day?  Well, there’s no better way to show your dedication to making sweet music than taking up a brand new instrument for the sole purpose of making the opposite sex swoon.  We know getting a brand new Oboe or Xylophone can set you back a few hundred bucks, but don’t fret, because you don’t need frets to pay homage to your heavy metal brethren and set your crush’s heart aflutter.  Dishing out dollars for a 16-string bass or even a lethal Les Paul is so last millenium.  After all if the music is in you, you don’t need an instrument at all, because the trendliest way to show that you’ve got what it takes to make people come down with a case of the hippy-hippy shakes is to dazzle them  with a dose of the instrument you play best…no…not your genitalia…we’re talking about Air Guitar!

For centuries people have been playing air instruments.  Why, when Jesus first met his first Angel and heard their sweet sounds of her harp, you best believe he started strumming and plucking the ether (not his genitalia).  But It wasn’t until the America’s Revolutionary War that air instrumentation truly started being en vogue.  It was during this major confrontation that many a soldier began to play “air snare” as the bands that led the Colonists into battle against the British were almost always the first to be slaughtered due to their lack of firearm, and so soldiers had to create the illusion of drumming as they headed into battle with their equally air instrument-reliant enemy.

The Fate of Many a Revolutionary War Drummer

Now that war has been all-but eradicated (or at least war bands have save for the actual band “War”) the vast public has needed a new motivation for air instrumentation.  Luckily for people, in the past three hundred years, sex was invented…and nothing gets the ladies and gents more revved up for sex than seeing just how dexterous their potential partner can be as he or she rocks out to Boston’s 1976 Self-titled album showing that if they actually were holding a guitar, or their genitalia, they might possibly know the chord progression to “Smokin’.”  Who knows maybe a mastery of all that faux-guitar heroism will earn them the title of World Champion Air Guitarist.  Suck on that Slash.

Quit The Rat Race

Times are tough. It seems like you can’t fashion a welfare check into a crude paper airplane and throw it without it poking an unemployed person in the eye. With the jobless rate nearing an all-time high and an economy that’s in the dumps, we here at the Trendliest think the best course of action regarding the running of “the rat race” is to simply quit it. That’s right, rather than scanning the want ads for a job in the service industry or as a backup quarterback-that you have no desire to fulfill- the friendly and trendy thing to do is announce your retirement!

Moses Gives An Impassioned Retirement Speech to A Throng of Shocked Followers

Retirement has been an alien concept for the majority of civilization. In ancient times, most professional careers ended at the onset of a public stoning, enslavement by invading parties or leprosy. The first influential retiree was none other than Moses, who upon leading the Jews out of Egypt; parting the Red Sea for them; and giving them The Ten Commandments at Mount Sinai, decided that he’d already done his relatively thankless job to the best of his abilities, and that there was nothing left to accomplish as God’s instrument. He happily handed his hebrew leading reins over to Aaron who took them the most of the rest of the way to the promised land.

Brett Favre Gives an Impassioned Retirement Speech To Frenzied Fan Base

The story of Moses’ retirement still carries some weight today as it was the inspiration for Brett Favre’s decision in March of ‘08 to retire as the star quarterback of the Green Bay Packers, whom some have dubbed “the Hebrews of the NFL.” Favre had led the Packers out of the unholy land of mediocrity (although they occasionally returned to visit) having done his job to the best of his abilities while surpassing all of Moses’ passing records. His retirement effectively handed the reins of the team to Aaron Rodgers and allowed Favre the opportunity to fade quietly into the past whilst perched happily atop the NFL’s version of Mt. Sinai (a sure induction into the Hall of Fame).

Aaron 2008!

As trendly as quitting the rat race can be, if you find your AARP membership benefits to be unrewarding, you always have the option of asking for your old job back provided you had a job in the first place. While there’s no guarantee that your employers haven’t moved on to the new hotshot CEO or Janitor, the odds are if you act disgruntled enough they’ll “trade” you to another job where you’ll be unjustifiably hailed as that company’s new savior despite the fact that you were totally overrated at your old company and you’re getting up there in years. Hey, sometimes it’s just nice to be wanted…and there’s nothing trendlier than tricking people into thinking you’re worth the trouble.

Come Here Often?

Hey Trendly ladies and gentlemen. We don’t think we’ve seen you here before. Do you come here often? Oh, you’re a regular Trendliest reader. Oh, then odds are we won’t have to convince you to come home with us, but if you were new to this site we’d lay on the charm via the use of the trendliest method of seduction, The Pick-Up line.

The pick-up line originated in the mid 1970’s when two Americans, in preparation for a night out at the Montreal clubs, flipped through a French-English dictionary to figure out how to ask French Canadians if they want to have sex. They came up with “Do you want to go to bed with me?” or “Voulez-vous coucher avec moi?” Unfortunately the two men in question were extremely ugly and ended up being turned down by every woman they met that evening…including two or three prostitutes who when later asked said they preferred the honest approach of a simple hello. Luckily, for the two men in question they turned their sexual woes into the smash hit “Lady Marmalade” and even though no women ever believed them when they tried to impress them with their songwriting credits they ended up very rich…and alone.

Preferred A Simple Hello

The pick-up line has since evolved into an increasingly awkward yet charming art with literally thousands of permutations on the original formula. Most of these enticing inquiries are only successful when the person doing the wooing is dressed in a ridiculous outfit and has had his or her tips professionally frosted.

The following is a list of some of the more popular pick up lines that are sure to help you achieve the friendly and trendy goal of getting the object of your affection to notice you because you’ll be talking to them.

1. Yo bitch…Can I holla?

2. I can see your pants in that mirror…I’m in that mirror. I think both me and your pants are in that mirror.

3. You’re pretty like Stevie Nicks.

Stevie Nicks…The Current Gold Standard of Beauty

4. I’m Enrique Iglesias.

5. Shall I phone you or nudge you?

6. When we get out of jail…I’m going to love you forever…if we get out of jail.

7. I lease a ‘95 Chrysler Sebring.

‘95 Sebring- The Crown Jewel of Chrysler

8. When you stepped out of heaven did they have to kill someone to make an angel to replace you…because I think killing is morally reprehensible.

9. When in Rome or wherever it is we are, do me.

10. Twenty dollars for one song!

Hopefully, these lines can be of some assistance in curing your lovelorn state…but you’ll never know unless you get out there and put them to the test. The proof is in the trendly pudding.

Be A Flip Flopper

Hey Trendliticians! Were you for the war before you were against the war? Are you looking for snug shoes that reflect the same comfort you feel with your political stance? Well then we here at Trendliest recommend investing in a pair of flip flops.

Originally known as “thongs,” but changed to the more erudite “flip flop” after a successful trademark infringement lawsuit filed by pint-sized R&B singer Sisqo who was riding high on his 2000 hit “Thong Song,” flip flops are an easy-breezy way to ensure the bottom of your feet avoid getting dirty, while still allowing them to be vulnerable to shards of glass, so that you may one day also file a frivolous lawsuit against the owner of the property where your foot laceration occurred (hopefully it’s city property).

Prevented Use of The Term Thonger

Aside offering limited covering and defense for your toes, flip flops are largely associated with being an ideal footwear option when dealing with the “heat.” This caused quite a misunderstanding during the 2004 elections, when many Republicans repeatedly accused then Democratic candidate John Kerry of being a flip flopper. For some reason many voters took this to mean Kerry was being charged with being indecisive, when it actually meant that he would have been an easy, breezy fit if he were employed to take the heat of the office of the President of The United States of America. Whether or not he would be able to protect it from shards of glass would remain to be seen.

Kerry: Easy. Breezy. Didn’t Necessarily Protect Against Shards of Glass

Luckily, this small misunderstanding has been cleared up, and with the weather hotter than ever and the 2008 election heating up…the people have spoken. And you know what they’re saying? “Flip Flops are friendly and trendy,” also “Yes we Can!”