Raising The Bar

Rise and shine friendly and trendy alcohol imbibing Americans, a new day has dawned for our way of life. When you woke up yesterday there were three branches of Government:The Legislative, The Executive, and The Judicial; However, today when you looked out your window at the summer sun you could probably sense something was different.

A Now Obsolete Rendering of The Three Branches of Government

That slight difference is  that one third of those branches is no longer with us.  Despite the nomination and subsequent confirmation of Supreme Court Judge Sonia Sotomayor, the Judicial system is now obsolete. While “the bar” may technically still exist it now refers to the place where everybody knows your name, and they’re always glad you got arrested, thanks to the latest trend in settling legal disputes, “The Beer Summit.”

An Historic Moment

With the recent advent of the first Beer Summit, in which President Obama settled the issue of whether or not Henry Louis Gates was guilty of breaking into his own house by simply inviting the Harvard Professor and his arresting officer to discuss the charges and the racial strife caused by said charges over a beer; overnight it has become customary to settle all disputes in this manner.

Now there’s a brand of justice that both tastes great and is less filling (of our overcrowded prisons). Whether or not you’ve been  wrongfully accused of murder or simply pulled over for driving under the influence, you’ll be faced with two options:  One, you could put on a suit and be tried by a jury of your peers; or two, you could down a few with your accuser and effectively reach an understanding in a flurry of four beers.   The latter option is certainly less costly than one of those money grubbing lawyers and it helps promote understanding of not only the difference between the accused and the accuser, but also between lagers and IPA’s.

I'll Be The Judge of That

While the court system will still exist in a limited role for those totally boring members of Alcoholic’s Anonymous there will be limited need for Judges and lawyers (hooray!) as the only remaining courthouses will be located in towns named “Justice” in the states of Illinois, Wyoming, North Carolina, Oklahoma and Kentucky.  The Supreme Court will also be replaced by the United States Council of Wise Bartenders, which may or may not consist of the current members of the Supreme Court provided they pass bartending school in time for the fall session.

Gary- Master Mixologist and Member of the US Council of Wise Bartenders

So cheers to the friendly, trendly new way of solving our problems  and if you don’t like it…well then this Bud’s for you. Now if only we could get Iran and North Korea to the beer table.

Have The Conversation

Greetings Trendly Tweeters and Facebook status flirts. Do you spend the majority of your day tethered to an electronic device not designed to give you sexual pleasure?Are you fully up to speed on the whereabouts and goings on of all of the seven hundred people in your online network yet draw a blank every time you try to imagine what their voice sounds like?  And when it comes to your own voice do you have trouble remembering whether it’s  more nasal, manly, or just somewhere in between?  If you said yes to all of those it’s time to clear the cobwebs in your throat and get familiar with a trend that, well, used to be really popular a year or two ago…the trend of actual conversation.

People Are Talking...Talking 'Bout People

Yes ladies and trend-tleman the oral adventure that is human communication has taken many forms since the lord created man on the seventh day and then planted evolutionary clues to convince scientists their whims had the slightest merit.  Early man used grunts and hisses to impart such important notions as “please pass the salt” and “I’m going to go hit that pig over the head many times with a club so that we can have it for dinner and then rape that female.” While we were on track to develop a complex language based on those hisses and grunts for quite awhile, the almighty himself deferred communicative ease for a few years after an unsatisfactory architecture experiment at Babel.  This failed “tower” project not only made conversation impossible but it allowed for the worldwide spread of mankind and development of different linguistic characteristics to the point where we needed a phrasebook to figure out what people like Dennis Miller and the French were talking about.

Tower of Babel: Responsible for Linguistic Leanings of French People and Dennis Miller

Thanks to the advent of technology and the imperialistic notions of such nations as Great Britain, The United States of America and Finland, there is now an “international language” that doesn’t involve sexual favors for the exchange of spices.   That language is “innovation” and that innovation usually comes with an English instruction manual and now includes visual aides typed via computer.  While mankind has fought so hard to bring themselves closer together, many technological advances have provided the ruse of progress due to the fact that while we think sharing links of kitty videos over the Internet is uniting us, we will never actually get to see the people who we are sharing those videos with naked and in person.

May Actually Get To See Each Other Naked In Person

However, thanks to the potential re-embrace of the idea of actual conversation people are talking, talking about people, and not only that, those very same people are now starting to remember that face to face interaction and chronic halitosis is a lot more desirable than chronic carpal tunnel syndrome and blurred vision.  So that’s why we here at Trendliest are urging you to put down that Twitter, head down to the local pub and buy yourself something bitter and talk it out with some of your best buds instead of typing it.  Give those vocal chords the workout they’ve been begging for.

In The Bush

Greetings creatures of the fashionable flesh.  Are you often met with vacant stares when you remove your pants to feel the air down there? Are you the type of person who who enjoys baring more than your soul while playing nine holes? Do you long to visit a tropical paradise where the wind blows through the palm trees and your undercarriage?  And finally, are you a high school principle or retired haberdasher with a front-butt and revolting genitalia who would feel more secure if everyone knew what you were packing all of the time?  Well, why didn’t you say so?  You’re qualified to hit up the friendly trendy new hot spots that are sprouting up almost as often as your freshly shorn pubic hair.  We’re not talking about locker rooms, but the friendliest and trendiest new form of communal living…Nudist Colonies.

Nudist colonies have been existence since the earliest man couldn’t figure out how to skin a fern, but since then civilization has forsaken all forms of open air, be it warm or cold in order to hide their sexy parts from each other in order to lamely maintain an air of mystery about themselves.  However, as time has worn on and films as diverse as Debbie Does Dallas and Aladdin have dropped the double entendre in favor of straight up entendre…human beings have more and more often been getting down to the nitty gritty by basically spending the majority of their waking hours trying to see each other naked. The advent of nudist colonies came as a direct result of this basic human desire to undress one another.

Aladdin, The Film That Inspired Thousands of Good Teenaged Girls To Take Off Their Clothes

Nudist Colonies are usually located in areas distant from population centers due to the fact that most inhabitants have been shunned by those same group of human beings that have no desire to see certain  disrobe and wish they’d all just hide in the woods out of plain sight with their pubic forestry blending in with the actual forestry.  However, amongst their accepted equals these nudists maintain that the human body is a beautiful an not at all awkward thing that should be embraced whether one is fishing, eating, or just plain singing karaoke.

Whatever Happened To Macy Gray? Well, She's Performing Karaoke Versions of Her Own Songs at Nudist Colonies. But, Of Course!

While most of these flesh farms consist largely of bare elders, there is a growing youth movement. The younger population in these environments tend to be very well educated and absolutely fearless on account of the fact that they never have that recurring nightmare when they’re standing naked at the front of the classroom. And in our estimation the proliferation of a confident youth class is most decidedly trendly.

Confident Nude Youths Engaged In A Game of Touch Rugby

Some may think the best part of joining a Nudist Colony is the sense of community, the buffet or the regular games of badminton; we here at Trendliest beg to differ.  The most appealing part of being a Nudist is getting to see boobs.  Any time there are boobs on  display no matter how saggy or perky, it will always be considered friendly or trendly.

Dive Into Your Office Pool

Greetings waders in the sea of the latest friendly fads.  Have you been busy over the winter  keeping your limbs limber  by filling out forms and stretching your stamina with spreadsheets?  Well,  we hope you’ve been practicing your trendstroke, because without it your likely to drown in the latest friendly trend, The Office Pool.

Don’t be afraid to jump right in, the water’s fine.  Despite the economic downturn nearly every place of business around the country will be installing a man made body of  liquid that isn’t urine, but will certainly get mixed with a good deal of it, just in time for spring.  Yes, the early days of  Spring annually bring about the office festival known as, March Madness.  During March Madness employers have been known to split up their employees into a field of 64 according to institutions of higher learning and stage a tournament of wills  on the chlorinated court otherwise known as Swimmy Basketball.

The Action Heats Up And Stays Cool At The Same Time

Often times the tournament leads to management-sanctioned  gambling that doesn’t involve large portions of pension funds. but more than makes up for it by inspiring plenty of trash talk to signal the renewal of some old college rivalries.

This Year's Field of 64 at General Motors

Participants receive seedings that show just how much their bosses like them, but sometimes even the most favored employees like the company brown noser fall to the janitor  and a whole new office hierarchy is established.  The winner is rewarded handsomely with a bonus, an extra two weeks off, and the title of National Champion.

And really what’s friendlier and trendier than carrying the label of “National Champion” if only for a year.

Here Come The Watchmen

Every once in a while something so hop and hot comes along that it defies explanation and makes us view the world in an entirely different light when it comes to just what qualifies as both friendly and trendy.  Previous powerful and puzzling examples along these lines include Crocs, Crystal Meth, and the music of Huey Lewis & The News.   However, seeing as we pride ourselves on being your friendly guide to the latest trends we here at Trendliest are going to do our damnedest to explain the latest trend in portable TV technology, the resurgence of The Watchman or if we were to take the plural form, “Watchmen.”

Not Sure What This Poster Has To Do With Re-release of Portable TVs

Unless you live in a cave, the area you live in has more likely than not been inundated with confusing advertisements featuring  costume clad beings hyping the release of the rehash of this electronic wonder first released by the Sony Company in 1982 in Japan.  The original Japanese prototype was a man who wore 8 watches on each arm and constantly updated the time in funny voices.  However, Sony soon realized there was no way to replicate this in their factory and instead focused on another definition of the word “watch” noting that people like to “watch” TV.

Rejected Prototype for the Original WatchMan

The new and improved Watchman made it’s debut in Europe and the United States in 1984 and the public went absolutely gaga over it.  People were hungry for a televisual aid not quite the length of the average man’s penis that they could tote along with them just in case they weren’t going to make it home to catch their favorite local news telecast or reruns of “Too Close For Comfort.”  Watchmen also became excellent time killers for those who were made impatient by the mere thought of waiting on lines, due to the fact that they were illiterate and would have no other means to entertain themselves other than shouting obscenities at passers by as they waited on line to dance at the Palladium.

The Watchman: The Face of Innovation

The pocket tv phenomenon began to peter out  in the 90’s well before the  advances of HDTV, wireless internet,  and the ability to watch all of your favorite shows on your iPod,  but it’s inexplicably all the rage yet again even with the switch over to digital television.  Apparently some merchandising brainiacs over at Warner Bros. thought it would be a wonderful idea to license the former fad and re-release it accompanied by a massive marketing campaign.  As it turns out their hunch was right on the money.  Watchmen were released this weekend to a clamoring public who ate up the seemingly obsolete innovation to the tune of $55.4 million.  While there have been a few glitches in the technology such as causing users to turn blue or have their facial features shift around while gazing at such a tiny screen, the reviews have been largely positive.

We here at Trendliest didn’t exactly head down to the Circuit City and snatch one up one of these “Watchmen” to see what all of the fuss is about, but we’re going back to our childhood home this weekend to try to dig our old one  up and sell it on ebay…because that’s where the real money is…and in this economy anything that can net us the real money is certainly friendly and trendy.

Join The Parade!

Greetings Trendly Fellows and Fellettes!  Do you consider yourself to be a rugged individualist that feels most at home  when gathered with of a large group that shares the same ethnic makeup or sexual orientation as you?   Do you enjoy paying tribute to the stereotypical inklings of your kind by marching down a crowded street or cheering at those who do?  Whether you’re Gay, Irish, a gay Irishman, or just plain thankful that most of the Native Americans have been killed off, the best way to manifest these winning character traits is to indulge in the latest marker of social trendliness, putting your pride on Parade!

No one knows where the term “Parade” came from, it is thought that it is derived from the ancient magazine “Hit Parader” which Axl Rose dissed in his song “Get In The Ring” on 1991’s Use Your Illusion II album.  Others think it comes from the Latin for “Par” meaning “to march” and “ade” meaning “wearing cutoff denim shorts and rollerblades.”

Not Quite A Full On Par-Ade

Parades have been in existence since the days of Roman rule when offenders of Roman law would be “Paraded” through streets of Jerusalem on their way to be crucified, so that those being sent to their death would see just how the public felt about them being sent to their death.  Most of the time these criminals were showered with “boos” and large stone projectiles to add insult to their imminent demise.  The chief offender was often held on high upon a moving platform and deemed the “Grand Marshall”.  The Grand Marshall would not only bear the brunt of  the ire of the people, but upon crucifixion had the daunting task of leading his fellow lawbreakers in the singing of “Always Look on The Bright Side of Life.” Failure to do so would result in a swift stabbing.

The most notable of early parade Grand Marshalls was Jesus H. Christ, who it is said, did a pretty dynamite job in getting not only his fellow inmates to sing, but also the crowd of onlookers.  As a result, he has a great deal of people who still follow his teachings that basically say, “You’ll see it’s all a show, keep on laughing as you go. Just remember that the last laugh is on you…and don’t forget to eat my body and drink my blood too.”

Jesus Bears The Brunt of Being an Early Grand Marshall

Modern day parades have evolved quite a bit from the spectacle of savage death-fests of Roman times.  Today they are largely celebratory affairs in which people show off their knack for stereotypical behavior they would normally boycott a movie over if said movie had someone of their heritage acting in a vaguely similar way.  They also happily impede on the personal space of those not interested in their spectacle in a show of sheer, obnoxious joy.  There are many occasions today that are seen as parade-worthy.

A Likeness of St. Patrick Marches Down A Crowded Parade Route

On St. Patrick’s day Irish people and people who pretend to be Irish- because on this day they’re not considered ‘alcoholics’ – gather together en masse on the streets of any number of cities imbibing green beer so that it might fill them with the liquid courage necessary to clear that city of snakes by urinating in public.  The gay pride parade gives homosexuals the chance to tell the entire city just how much they like civil rights and rainbows, while both the Columbus and Thanksgiving day parades give cause for white americans to taunt the remaining Native American population by annually showing up in greater numbers and pushing them out of the way to get a better view of floats..  No matter how you slice it, parades require the participation of plenty of enthusiastic parties.  And if that many people are excited about something, than it’s almost certainly trendly.

Funemployment!

Howdy, friendly trendy blue collar folk.  Are you too busy working your fingers to the bone  and putting food on your table for your family to keep up with the Kardashians?  Well, don’t let Khloe, Kim, Kara, Karl, Kami, Karter, Kevlar, and Brody do all of the partying.  Drop the hero act and get with zero pack.  After all, the family that does nothing productive for society is the family that gets the most endorsement money.  Are we right or are we right?  (We know we’re right.)  While you’re working the assembly line those “talented” kids are busy working the Conga line and still making much more loot than you ever will…unless you take advantage of a little friendly trend we’d like to call Unemployment.

3 of The Kardashians Try To Break The World Record For Hours Spent Having Fun Dancing With A Pole

Unemployment is the sole reason all of the children of famous people have more than enough free time to partake in glamorous events like making their own sex tapes, dancing with the stars, walking the Grammy Red Carpet and filming a reality show for E! Think about it, if you didn’t have that pesky job, you could be skiing the Swiss Alps (until your money ran out assuming you decided not to pay your rent), writing a blog like this, or spending the entirety of your day doling out your previously hard earned cash at the local strip club away from they watchful eye of your wife and kids, but delightfully close to a beautiful woman named Sapphire.

Hello Sapphire!

There’s never been a better time to reap the benefits of Funemployment™ as corporations around the world are eager to get all their once employees a chance to live the life of the rich and famous,  in essence saying, “Hey Brody! Get out of here.  Go out and have a blast,” by terminating the jobs of their workers.  And with unemployment levels at their highest rate since the early 1990’s, millions upon millions of former workers are experiencing the good life that comes with standing on that unemployment line in the hopes that it will eventually be lined with paparazzi clamoring to take fabulous photos of the “less is more” fortunate.

An Army of Newly Unemployed Workers Raise Their Pink Slip In Delight

The best part of Funemployment! is the pay.  While it’s true you’d probably get substantially less than you originally made when you still had a job, you never had the time to enjoy all that cash you were making anyway.  Raking in less coin just means you’ll value the things you spend every last precious penny on provided it has nothing to do with providing for your family.  Seriously, there’s nothing friendly and trendy about free time, if you’ve gotta worry about serious issues like bills and rent.  That’s why we call it Funemployment!

I Swear To $#%$*

Witnesses for the trend-secution, do you SWEAR to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth so help you blog?  You do?  Good, now place your hand on a copy of the Bible, Torah, Koran, Bhagavad Gita, or The Secret and say that all again because with all the swearing you’re going to be doing it’s going to be necessary to carry the Holy Book of your choice at all times seeing as Swearing is the hottest and friendliest trend currently sweeping the nation.

The verb “to swear” has had a short and rather glorious history.  It was derived from the surname of Charles F. Swayer, a teacher in 19th Century Britain.  Swayer was not a very good teacher due to the fact that he was not well-versed in virtually anything factual.  Often times whilst giving a lesson his students would mumble the word “bollocks” under their collective breath and sometimes out loud.  This incensed the educator and he demanded that whenever a student uttered such heinous word they pay a one shilling penalty by placing a coin on a designated plate on his desk.  This “Swayer plate” was a huge failure due to the fact that when one student would come up to place a shilling on the plate, they’d inevitably take another one back.

The Americanized "Swayer" Jar

It was for this sole reason that Swayer was moved to invent the “jar”.  By having his students put their coins in a round, covered receptacle with a slit for change on top, his class could less obviously reimburse themselves with the shillings of others.  Not only did this invention revolutionize the teaching field, but went on to influence parenting as adults everywhere caught on to the Swayer Jar.  However, when the practice crossed the Atlantic and was adapted by Americans soon after, the name somehow was turned into the Swear Jar and the actual word that was once just a surname was perverted to mean multiple things, ranging from a promise to an expletive.

President Barack Obama Swears On National Television

While the act of swearing has been long frowned upon by jar-wielding parents across the nation, ever since Barack Obama was sworn in as America’s 44th President, it’s more or less become an epidemic.  Everyone including Secretary of State Hillary Clinton,  dock workers in Detroit, Christian Bale on the set of Terminator 4, engaged couples in Des Moines,  expert witnesses in double murder trials, and Dane Cook have been uttering a variety of magical words  including “I do”, “I will”, and seven words we can’t say on this blog even though we’re not exactly policed by the FCC.  Whether we can say them or not, doesn’t make them any less trendly.  We promise.

Trendliness In Action: O(bama) Canada!

Hi ho trusty explorers of the newest trendtiers.  Time and time again we here at Trendliest get proof of just how in touch (weekly) we are with the latest and greatest the world has to offer.  Today we received one ever-glowing affirmation of our hipness.  As you may recall last week we trumpeted the excellence of the bastard child of Britain, the Great White North if you will (and you will), otherwise known as Canada.  Well, it seems our shouts from the tops of Mount Logan have not fallen upon deaf ears.  They actually managed to send a piercing sound to the gargantuan antennae of the 44th President of the United States, one Barack Hussein Obama, who declared today that his premier foreign excursion as President will be up north to Canadia.

Canadian Prime Minister Wayne Gretzky

So what will President Obama do once he gets to Ottawa?  Odds are he’ll meet with Prime Minister Wayne Gretzky and hold a summit on importing their superior system of healthcare, though we can’t say for sure as his agenda is currently top secret.  That’s all for now, stay tuned for more Trendliness in Action.

Pie In The Sky

Greetings you fabulously famished fashionistas.  Are you tired of being turned aside at the trendiest of trattorias because your last season on Celebrity Fit Club didn’t rate high enough?  Well, we feel your outrage.  We’re not going to let some high and mighty Maitre’d stop us from indulging in some fine dining and neither should you.  While you might have trouble getting seated at The Spotted Pig, munching at Mr. Chow, or sliding through the drive-thru at the  In-N-Out Burger, that doesn’t mean you can’t still dine in style. Those who hunger for haute cuisine fly by the inseam of their pants by choosing to wine and dine where food and wings lift your heavenly dinner up where it belongs.  The latest friendly trendy spot to scarf down some hearty slop doesn’t require you to leave your name at the door, but you will need a ticket and possibly a passport. Yes the hottest thing in going out to dinner, is going up, up, and away to finely dine on a big ol’ jet airline.

You Could Dine Above Cloud 9

Connoisseurs of all things culinary have been coming in droves to their local airports, often flying standby for flights as far as Fiji and as nearby as New Orleans to snack on Southwest Airlines or enjoy a lunch entree on Lufthansa.  It seems people don’t care where they’re going, as long as they get the chance to savor the flavor of some serious grub.  Airlines have long been serving some of the most choice cuisine around.  Most have not changed their menus or their supplier since the 1960’s, but while those menus remain remarkably static, so has that same great taste.

Since the price of gas has dropped dramatically diners all over the world are footing the bill of sometimes up to $3000 a pop to enjoy incredible edibles as they float above the cumulo-nimbus or remain pleasantly adrift on the Hudson River, often booking one way tickets to war-torn nations to enjoy delicious delicacies such as American Airlines’ “Is That Pizza?” option or Continental’s confounding”Chickenfish” which is both/neither chicken nor fish.

Is That Pizza? You Bet It Might Be

The good news is, in addition to the entree’ each meal is accompanied by a sliver of iceberg lettuce and some indeterminable type of mystery dessert to satisfy at least three of the daily food group requirements.  If  that’s not enough many jetsetting goody gobblers are lucky enough to get two meals for the price of one provided their flight lasts more than 18 hours…and there’s plenty of opportunity for free alcoholic beverages in between as attentive flight attendants are there to cater to your every booze-fueled fantasy, provided they’re not too engrossed in gossip about their first-class co-workers to scare up that mini-bottle of chardonnay.

Chardonnay on Your Way To Montego Bay?

Even though sharing a tender piece of chicken in some sort of sauce with your significant other while exchanging annoyed glances with the guy in 27A who seems to be trying to hide the fact that he’s farting every five minutes may be accompanied by occasional turbulence, it still beats being behind Ben Affleck at Babbo or watching Kelly Clarkson canoodle at Koi.  Who knows, pretty soon you may be flying alongside LL Cool J, enjoying a luscious Lasagna on your way to London in a friendly, trendy airborne bistro.