Armed To The Feet

Greetings troopers of the 82nd Trendliest Infantry division!  General Trendkopf here demanding you put down those pistols, beat your swords into plowshares and replace those revolvers with roses.  All of those sophisticated modes of weaponry are decidedly out of date.  The friendly, trendy new way to get your battle on and your point across is not to gear up with guns, but to unlace your loafers and let ‘em fly.

The Shoe Heard 'round The World

Ever since the events of this past week, when Iraqi journalist Muntadhar al-Zeidi attempted the first Presidential shoe-sassination, military defense contractors at Halliburton have been hard at work with the economically-minded pump producers at Payless, developing the ultimate  surface-to-groin missile that will surely put the United States ahead in the foot race.

Haliburton-Payless Prototype Surface-To-Groin Missile

The United States isn’t the only national superpower anxious to dub itself a Shoe-per power.  China and India are right up there with over a billion pairs of shoes each aimed in the general direction of almost every country in the world.  The United States’ standing as a world leader is secure though, thanks in large part to a fleet female fighting force each brandishing on average up to 14 pairs of the trendly new weapon in a variety of different styles and colors that are designed to compliment a variety of different regulation fatigues and battle situations.

United States Defense Department Shoe Stockpile (Courtesy of Imelda Marcos) United States Defense Department Shoe Stockpile (Courtesy of Imelda Marcos)

The fact that President Bush avoided being struck by both of al-Zeidi’s size 10’s is a big reason for World War III not breaking out.  Also,  the Italian economy has seen quite a boost from the event as the world’s governments have sought out the finest in Italian leather footwear from likes of Salvatore Ferragamo and Prada to equip their armies. While the World may not yet be embroiled in a melee of moccasins, the irate Iraqi has inspired a few “Shoe d’etats” in 3rd world countries like Sri Lanka and The Island of Cuervo Nation. The new method of warfare has also prompted constitutional enthusiast Ron Paul to lobby for a change in the 2nd amendment to include the right to bear dock-siders.

The dramatic shift in tensions has created a new world order that  foreign relations experts predict could result in increased violence.  On the upside, the death toll is likely to reduce 85%, but there might still be a lot of black and blue marks and scuffed up wing tips.  We’ll take that over a high death toll any day.  So the next time you want to take your guns to town, take a look down and realize that you’re armed to the feet and  let the friendly, trendy battle begin.