Join The Parade!

Greetings Trendly Fellows and Fellettes!  Do you consider yourself to be a rugged individualist that feels most at home  when gathered with of a large group that shares the same ethnic makeup or sexual orientation as you?   Do you enjoy paying tribute to the stereotypical inklings of your kind by marching down a crowded street or cheering at those who do?  Whether you’re Gay, Irish, a gay Irishman, or just plain thankful that most of the Native Americans have been killed off, the best way to manifest these winning character traits is to indulge in the latest marker of social trendliness, putting your pride on Parade!

No one knows where the term “Parade” came from, it is thought that it is derived from the ancient magazine “Hit Parader” which Axl Rose dissed in his song “Get In The Ring” on 1991’s Use Your Illusion II album.  Others think it comes from the Latin for “Par” meaning “to march” and “ade” meaning “wearing cutoff denim shorts and rollerblades.”

Not Quite A Full On Par-Ade

Parades have been in existence since the days of Roman rule when offenders of Roman law would be “Paraded” through streets of Jerusalem on their way to be crucified, so that those being sent to their death would see just how the public felt about them being sent to their death.  Most of the time these criminals were showered with “boos” and large stone projectiles to add insult to their imminent demise.  The chief offender was often held on high upon a moving platform and deemed the “Grand Marshall”.  The Grand Marshall would not only bear the brunt of  the ire of the people, but upon crucifixion had the daunting task of leading his fellow lawbreakers in the singing of “Always Look on The Bright Side of Life.” Failure to do so would result in a swift stabbing.

The most notable of early parade Grand Marshalls was Jesus H. Christ, who it is said, did a pretty dynamite job in getting not only his fellow inmates to sing, but also the crowd of onlookers.  As a result, he has a great deal of people who still follow his teachings that basically say, “You’ll see it’s all a show, keep on laughing as you go. Just remember that the last laugh is on you…and don’t forget to eat my body and drink my blood too.”

Jesus Bears The Brunt of Being an Early Grand Marshall

Modern day parades have evolved quite a bit from the spectacle of savage death-fests of Roman times.  Today they are largely celebratory affairs in which people show off their knack for stereotypical behavior they would normally boycott a movie over if said movie had someone of their heritage acting in a vaguely similar way.  They also happily impede on the personal space of those not interested in their spectacle in a show of sheer, obnoxious joy.  There are many occasions today that are seen as parade-worthy.

A Likeness of St. Patrick Marches Down A Crowded Parade Route

On St. Patrick’s day Irish people and people who pretend to be Irish- because on this day they’re not considered ‘alcoholics’ – gather together en masse on the streets of any number of cities imbibing green beer so that it might fill them with the liquid courage necessary to clear that city of snakes by urinating in public.  The gay pride parade gives homosexuals the chance to tell the entire city just how much they like civil rights and rainbows, while both the Columbus and Thanksgiving day parades give cause for white americans to taunt the remaining Native American population by annually showing up in greater numbers and pushing them out of the way to get a better view of floats..  No matter how you slice it, parades require the participation of plenty of enthusiastic parties.  And if that many people are excited about something, than it’s almost certainly trendly.

Funemployment!

Howdy, friendly trendy blue collar folk.  Are you too busy working your fingers to the bone  and putting food on your table for your family to keep up with the Kardashians?  Well, don’t let Khloe, Kim, Kara, Karl, Kami, Karter, Kevlar, and Brody do all of the partying.  Drop the hero act and get with zero pack.  After all, the family that does nothing productive for society is the family that gets the most endorsement money.  Are we right or are we right?  (We know we’re right.)  While you’re working the assembly line those “talented” kids are busy working the Conga line and still making much more loot than you ever will…unless you take advantage of a little friendly trend we’d like to call Unemployment.

3 of The Kardashians Try To Break The World Record For Hours Spent Having Fun Dancing With A Pole

Unemployment is the sole reason all of the children of famous people have more than enough free time to partake in glamorous events like making their own sex tapes, dancing with the stars, walking the Grammy Red Carpet and filming a reality show for E! Think about it, if you didn’t have that pesky job, you could be skiing the Swiss Alps (until your money ran out assuming you decided not to pay your rent), writing a blog like this, or spending the entirety of your day doling out your previously hard earned cash at the local strip club away from they watchful eye of your wife and kids, but delightfully close to a beautiful woman named Sapphire.

Hello Sapphire!

There’s never been a better time to reap the benefits of Funemployment™ as corporations around the world are eager to get all their once employees a chance to live the life of the rich and famous,  in essence saying, “Hey Brody! Get out of here.  Go out and have a blast,” by terminating the jobs of their workers.  And with unemployment levels at their highest rate since the early 1990’s, millions upon millions of former workers are experiencing the good life that comes with standing on that unemployment line in the hopes that it will eventually be lined with paparazzi clamoring to take fabulous photos of the “less is more” fortunate.

An Army of Newly Unemployed Workers Raise Their Pink Slip In Delight

The best part of Funemployment! is the pay.  While it’s true you’d probably get substantially less than you originally made when you still had a job, you never had the time to enjoy all that cash you were making anyway.  Raking in less coin just means you’ll value the things you spend every last precious penny on provided it has nothing to do with providing for your family.  Seriously, there’s nothing friendly and trendy about free time, if you’ve gotta worry about serious issues like bills and rent.  That’s why we call it Funemployment!

I Swear To $#%$*

Witnesses for the trend-secution, do you SWEAR to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth so help you blog?  You do?  Good, now place your hand on a copy of the Bible, Torah, Koran, Bhagavad Gita, or The Secret and say that all again because with all the swearing you’re going to be doing it’s going to be necessary to carry the Holy Book of your choice at all times seeing as Swearing is the hottest and friendliest trend currently sweeping the nation.

The verb “to swear” has had a short and rather glorious history.  It was derived from the surname of Charles F. Swayer, a teacher in 19th Century Britain.  Swayer was not a very good teacher due to the fact that he was not well-versed in virtually anything factual.  Often times whilst giving a lesson his students would mumble the word “bollocks” under their collective breath and sometimes out loud.  This incensed the educator and he demanded that whenever a student uttered such heinous word they pay a one shilling penalty by placing a coin on a designated plate on his desk.  This “Swayer plate” was a huge failure due to the fact that when one student would come up to place a shilling on the plate, they’d inevitably take another one back.

The Americanized "Swayer" Jar

It was for this sole reason that Swayer was moved to invent the “jar”.  By having his students put their coins in a round, covered receptacle with a slit for change on top, his class could less obviously reimburse themselves with the shillings of others.  Not only did this invention revolutionize the teaching field, but went on to influence parenting as adults everywhere caught on to the Swayer Jar.  However, when the practice crossed the Atlantic and was adapted by Americans soon after, the name somehow was turned into the Swear Jar and the actual word that was once just a surname was perverted to mean multiple things, ranging from a promise to an expletive.

President Barack Obama Swears On National Television

While the act of swearing has been long frowned upon by jar-wielding parents across the nation, ever since Barack Obama was sworn in as America’s 44th President, it’s more or less become an epidemic.  Everyone including Secretary of State Hillary Clinton,  dock workers in Detroit, Christian Bale on the set of Terminator 4, engaged couples in Des Moines,  expert witnesses in double murder trials, and Dane Cook have been uttering a variety of magical words  including “I do”, “I will”, and seven words we can’t say on this blog even though we’re not exactly policed by the FCC.  Whether we can say them or not, doesn’t make them any less trendly.  We promise.