The Trendliest

A Friendly Guide To The Latest Trends

Roll With Winwood

Have you been “Rick-rolled” one too many times? Do you have a not-so-secret longing to get back at those who have tricked you into knowing that they’re never gonna give you up, let you down, run around and desert you?  While it may be a nice sentiment for your friends to repeatedly promise that they’re never going to make you cry, say goodbye, tell a lie and hurt you; the fact that they made you sit through a Rick Astley video says otherwise. At least they could’ve had the common decency to switch it up every once in a while with the “Together Forever” video.

Together Forever (screencap): Clearly The Best of the Rick Astley Video Canon

Well, if you’re in the market for some sugar-coated pop culture revenge,  look no further than the 1980’s beer commercial soundtrack goodness that is the music of Steve Winwood. That’s right, “Rick rolling” is out and “Winwooding” is the latest friendly trend in ironic Internet trickery.

Steve Winwood: The One To Roll With

Before the salad days of Rick Astley, Steve Winwood enjoyed a long fruitful career as a valid and profitable musician, playing in bands like Blind Faith and Traffic, before settling down into his ultimate legacy as 1980’s easily listening pop/rock with songs that reminded us that by rolling with it and drinking Michelob Light, the finer things would indeed keep shining through.

Well that was a long time ago and the Winwooder looks primed for a comeback of sorts, even if it’s not quite of Astley-esque proportions. The stage was set for such an event during the pre-game concert for Super Bowl XLIV when an early-arriving, unsuspecting throng of Football fans got Winwooded prior to both teams taking the field.

With his performance prowess fresh on the brains of the media savvy, there’s never been a friendlier, trendier time to “Winwood” someone by linking them to this video.  So we here at The Trendliest recommend you do it now, before everyone starts Bruce Hornsby-izing you.

April 8, 2010 Posted by | Entertainment, humor, Internet, Music | , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Dain Bramage Is Next To Godliness

Worshippers at the altar of Trendlyism, do you believe?!?!  I said, DO YOU BELIEVE? If you  believe that some benevolent force from up on high has been providing you with a steady stream of life’s little miracles that are both friendly and trendy, I want you to give me an AMEN!!!

Now this trendly lord has spoken to me and he’s told me to take your hands, brothers and sisters.  And he’s told me that he wants you to  put that hand right up against your face, my spiritual brethren.  The lord has told me if you put that hand against your face as he requested and he told me that if that hand is bigger than your face, then you may be suffering from the latest friendly trend that is brain damage!

The Lord Loves When You Get Concussions

Fear not trendly brothers and sisters, whether or not  you have or have not had a nearby friend smash that hand in your face just yet, you do not ail in vain.  The lord has pointed us to a new study…a new study that has  linked spirituality to decreased cranial capabilities.  So while you may be a little slower on the uptake than most, you’re that much closer to the friendly, trendy man upstairs.

Even after stepping down from our pulpit for a hot minute, it’s plain to see that people all around the nation have been so eager to catch onto this trend since word of the study got out that they’ve willingly subjected themselves to harsh forms of head trauma just to feel closer to the heavens above.  While it’s been hell on their better judgement, millions of folks have reasoned that inflicting a painful brand of godliness upon oneself has allowed them to skip the usual pitfalls of piousness such as charity and goodwill.  Getting in bike accidents whilst not wearing a helmet, taking repeated blows from blunt instruments, or even watching full episodes of Glenn Beck has become commonplace for those failing to derive any sort of gratification from their personal surroundings and relationships with others.

The 2x4: An Instrument of God

Instrument of Brain Damage and/or God

The need to adhere to a strict dogma  has driven thousands of people to revel in their newly inflicted spiritual status at places of worship, hospitals, and tea parties in the name of all that is holy.  Luckily, many of those who have inflicted the friendly trend of brain damage upon themselves will soon be able to seek treatment for their conditions thanks to the new healthcare bill which many of them had so religiously opposed.  And even if treatment can’t save them from the prospect of life long brain damage, they’ll be blessed with so much spiritual belief that they’ve already been saved, that it really won’t matter.  And to that we say, “Hallelujah!”

March 22, 2010 Posted by | Health, Religion | , , , , , | 1 Comment

Trendliness In Action: Pet Snakes

As you may recall, our last trendly tip had something to do with slithery domestic darlings, known as Pet Snakes.  Well, we’re not the only ones to pick up on the friendly trend of this loveable household danger that doubles as a scaly necklace.   Our friends at the Onion have since had something to say about the appeal of keeping a 20-foot python in the presence of your other bundles of joy.  Take a peak at some Trendliness in action:

March 19, 2010 Posted by | Trendliness In Action | , | Leave a comment

Pet My Snake

Greetings trend petters and prospective owners of slithery things.  Do you have the desire to woo the fairer sex with a not-so-domesticated animal, but are afraid that the ladies will think that fearsome, untrained Pit Bull you rescued from a fighting ring is entirely too adorable? Are you suffering from a harsh case of diminutive genitalia that purchasing a used Nissan Z won’t cure? Do you think most  creatures in the wilderness are highly adaptable to both urban and suburban jungles ?  Well, if you’re looking for a figurative cure all for your pet and pecker woes, look no further than latest friendly, trendy and ultimately scaly version of man’s best friend, the pet snake.

Jake The Snake Loves To Play

Yes, owning a pet snake certainly goes a long way towards making the socially and sexually inept seem a whole lot more interesting. Your three-inch one-eyed trouser snake may make you less of a man, but taking your eight-foot long python out in public on a Friday night to purposely attract attention to yourself will surely make the ladies swoon without resulting in an arrest for indecent exposure.  Dogs may be able to fetch and cats are aces at laziness and manipulation, but neither of them can aid you in auto-erotic asphyxiation quite like Constricty the Boa Constrictor can.

"C'mon Ladies, You Know You Wanna Touch It"

Snakes aren’t just for insecure males compensating for loose-fitting underwear. Well-proportioned ladies can also use a serpent’s company to appear like that slutty forbidden fruit in the Garden of Eden during a rock video appearance or VMA performance. Nothing says, “look but don’t touch” or “I’m a man eating-whore that will swallow you whole,” like an actual animal that will in all probability swallow you whole if you forget to feed it.

"My Snake's Getting Fat...But Where's My Mother-In-Law?"

Pet snakes also prove practical in the disposal of pesky house pests like mice, rats, or dead bodies.  Paying an exterminator or using those inhumane glue traps is a thing of the past, just leave your slithery suite mate out and about for a few days and your infestation issue is a thing of the past, as is your visiting mother-in-law.  Sure your cat could’ve taken care of those rats and mice, but your pet snake ate your cat too…and really what’s more friendly and trendy than being higher up on the food chain.

March 8, 2010 Posted by | Home, Pets, Sexuality | , | Leave a comment

My Country ‘Tis Better Than Thee

There's No "I" In U.S.A.

Greetings citizens of the United States of Trendmerica! How bout those Olympics?  Did you enjoy seeing Bode Miller and Lindsey Vonn  glide down slopes to victory on tape delay? Did watching Apolo Anton Ohno take out two South Korean skaters to capture bronze give you a good old fashion heart attack of patriotism.  Was there a tear streaming down your cheek each time you saw the red, white and blue perched high above that first place  podium as the  instrumental version of  the National Anthem  blared proudly above an athlete birthed in the lower 48?  Well, you’re not alone.  From February 12-28th of 2010 there was no better form of escapism from your lack of employment or health care than taking two and a half weeks to engage in the latest friendly trend known as blind nationalism.

Yes, ladies and trend-tleman while other nations may have stronger economies and a better education system, we Americans took comfort knowing that some guy from Illinois executed a triple lutz better than a guy that comes from a country your children can’t locate on a map; not for any personal glory, but just so people from his own nation would be proud of him.

It's All For You

What’s a triple lutz anyway? Who cares? We Americans can do anything we set our minds to unless it involves Ski Jumping or Curling. USA! USA!

In Case You Were Wondering What A Triple Lutz Was

While the Olympics is marketed as the ultimate coming together of nations for or a place for international athletes to totally get it on;  the folks at home use it as a rallying point to show their superiority even if they live in a country that limits the rights of their minorities by placing bans on the types of clothing they wear, religious symbols they can erect or simply is responsible for giving the world Nickelback.  What better way to lose focus on issues that plague ones nation than to pretend they don’t exist for two and a half weeks because someone can move really fast when there is ice beneath them.

How Dare You Canada!

Unfortunately, this friendly trend of completely warranted pride in one’s homeland comes with an expiration date.  After the week or so of Olympic medalist talk show appearances, sports fans and people who enjoy seeing the distribution of precious metals to others beneath their flag, have to wait another few years before  really feeling good about where they are living or where they were born.

But you know what they say, everything old is new again, and fortunately for our trend-lympians, we know the exact date that blind nationalism will be friendly and trendy yet again.  Here’s looking at you London 2012.

March 3, 2010 Posted by | International, Politics, Sports | , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

I Want Your Sext

Greetings sexy techies! Do you prefer pushing the touchpad on your swanky new iPhone to that special someone’s love button?  Do your erogenous zones differ depending on what area code you’re in? Is your cell always on vibrate? If you answered “yes,” that means you’re already hip to the hottest trend in getting it on…and that’s getting it on with every sweet young thing in your mobile network via Sexting.

First Person To Figure Out What This Means Has Our Eternal Gratitude

There’s no more romantic way of telling the object of your affection that “u want 2 b with them 2nyt” than by sneaking a photo of your genitalia in the middle of  math class on the same device your mom uses to tell you to come home for chicken and Stove Top. Why keep that air of sensual mystery and intrigue when you can just as easily give up the goods? After all,  if her kiss is on your list, there’s no reason your shaft shouldn’t be on her cellular. Worst case scenario, your entire junior high will be well aware of your physical inadequacy in the nether region. Best case scenario, the clinically-insane-but-hot, young teacher will see the pic and ask you to stay after class to father her children.

Best Case Scenario In Action

The sexy text message is not necessarily a new invention, though it used to be virtually impossible to show your significant other visual evidence of just how close to cutting glass hardness your nipples were?

That being said, the practice of almost immediately titillating your long distance darling with a few simple seductive sentences is as old as that communicative dinosaur known as Morse code.  While it’s well-known that Samuel Morse‘s first telegraphic message was “What hath god wrought!” His follow up message was a simple “A/S/L?” followed by “what are you wearing?”

Get On The Scene: The First Sext Machine

Years later it wasn’t uncommon for wives of Civil War soldiers to receive telegrams via Western Union like the one below:

***************************************************

Dear Cecilia

*Stop*

Thinking of your rear while on the front.

*Stop*

Taking my pants off.

*Stop*

Say hello to the children.  Long live the Union!

Sincerely,

Lt. Sinclair Percy Levingston

*****************************************************

Needless to say, Western Union workers were frequently seen blushing.

While Al Gore’s Internet helped bring technology sex into the 20th century by first allowing sexual predators to converse with minors and send them photos of their genitalia at the same time, desktop computers with dialup modems were highly immobile and relied too much on the inconvenient and often snail-like process of uploading photos for the sharing of nOOdz.

Middle Man Effectively Cut Out

The advent of both the camera phone and smart phone has cut out the middleman, ultimately making the practice of showing off your sprouting mammary glands as easy as saying cheese. You’d certainly be hard-pressed to find something more friendly and trendy than adding push-button convenience and mobility to your illicit encounters.  Until we do, Sexting will remain at the top of the technical, sexual heap.

February 26, 2010 Posted by | Sexuality, Technology | , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Still Feeling Blue

Do you constantly have the urge do paint your skin blue and have sex with the earth and its creatures while wearing 3D glasses? Were you disappointed on your last trip to the book store when you found out Rosetta Stone doesn’t make a Na’vi edition? Do you refer to your social skills as “Unobtainium”?  Nevermind calling your psychotherapist to see what’s plaguing you, we here at  your friendly guide to the latest trends, have the diagnosis and it’s got nothing to do with murder.  You seem to have come down with decidedly trendly affliction known as Post-Avatar Depression.

I See You...You Appear To Be Crying

You’re not alone film fanatics.  Well, okay, you’re mostly alone.  Rest assured there are several others like you; those moved to the point of obsession by a cliched plot, breathtaking CGI animation and glow-in-the-dark horses with eight legs instead of four. Ever since James Cameron opened the Pandora’s box that  is his multi-billion dollar grossing opus Avatar, impressionable people with nothing better to do have envisioned themselves as inhabitants of a fictional planet rich in natural beauty and ten foot-tall blue people with superior physical skills to someone who just spent three hours gorging themselves on butter-slathered popcorn.

You Could Learn To Be Just Like The Na'vi!

These human specimens who possess the rare ability to care entirely too much about an alien environment while not necessarily exhibiting any sense of urgency about their own, have taken to wallowing in the mire over the fact that they will never be able find themselves in the utopia that exists mostly in the mind of the guy who directed Piranha Part Two: The Spawning. Still, they’ve grown hostile to their fellow members of the human race who would sooner destroy natural resources  than wait in line to meet Zoe Saldana at the next Comicon just to have that awkward moment when they tell her, “I see you.”

While the reality is all too disheartening, most wanNa’vis have found ways of coping with this hip film-based mental illness.  For some it’s as simple as listening to Leona Lewis’s Celine Dion-esque “I See You” theme on a loop, while others have been forced to give into the realization that Avatar is just Ferngully mixed with Dances With Wolves, and still a few brave souls have pressed on living in their thin blue skin eagerly awaiting the sequel.  Because, really what’s more friendly and trendy than not admitting you have a problem in the first place.

February 23, 2010 Posted by | Entertainment, Health | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Don’t Worry, Be Sorry

Greetings sometimes followers of the latest trendly goings on.  It’s been far too long since you’ve seen our smiling faces and glowing witticisms on this here page.  If only there were some way we could make it up to you that didn’t involve monetary appropriations or sexual favors.  We’ve got it!  How about we resume our position as the standard bearers of the latest in all that is both friendly and trendy by posting something new? Sound good? No?  Well, then we guess we’re just going to have to offer you a heartfelt apology, which just so happens to be the latest friendly trend in public discourse.

Say It With Flowers, But Really Sell It With That Pathetic Look On Your Face

Plenty of people in this world are capable of committing unspeakable acts of immorality such as actively engaging in genocide, offering free health care and forgetting to tip their server.  All too often those heinous occurrences go unchecked without even the slightest acknowledgment of any wrongdoing.  Lately though those who have committed a heinous act against their fellow man have seen fit to right their wrongs by publicly proclaiming “mea culpa” for their questionable decisions that stand to jeopardize their status as the world’s foremost athlete, restaurant patron, or douchebag tattoo-sleeved guitar player of easy listening music.

Being John Mayer Means Always Having To Say You're Sorry

Whether you’ve offended people by outing your penis’s racist tendencies, not providing boundaries for your penis, or just simply not posting on your blog for a really long time; it’s important to acknowledge that the road to ruin was paved with good intentions.  Unfortunately that road is only big enough for penis-shaped cars or vehicles driven by your ego. While you were busy thinking with your genitalia, guitar, and/or wallet your well-intending actions -no matter how private- were busy hurting the feelings of millions of people you have never even met who obviously look up to you as a role model.

The only way to right this wrong is to offer an utterly sincere admission of guilt and probable sex addiction as reasons for your lapse in judgment.  After all, you could’ve spent so much time being the best you you could be if  only you weren’t so busy looking at porn or shamelessly flirting with the girl you paid to have sex with.

So how does one offer a sincere apology to those  wronged souls also known as sponsors, professional sports associations, or Twitter followers?  Well, there are several different methods sweeping the nation:

Tiger Woods: Mastered The No. 1 At Oakmont and The Art of the Press Conference

The most popular and readily available is the press conference.  The media loves a good admission of wrongdoing and what better way to do it than in real-time in front of cameras and microphones before the entire world.  Not only will it magnify the extent of whatever you’re admitting, but it also makes you seem sorrier. Whether you cheated on your wife  or your SATs and need to tell someone, there’s a good chance ESPN or TMZ will cover it, provided you schedule it during The World Series of Poker or when Britney Spears is not driving to the mall.

The second most popular form of apology is through the purchasing of gifts.  While this form of contrition won’t achieve the level of international forgiveness on the scale of a press conference; it goes to show those you have injured that your actions, while selfish, put enough money in your pocket to afford expensive chocolates or a used Mazda Miata. It also helps to stimulate the economy, which is always friendly and trendy.

Please Forgive Me!

The third most popular form of forgiveness also happens to be the least beneficial to the economy. It’s known as the simple action apology.  The simple action apology is a personal admission of wrongdoing popularly expressed via language or sexual favors and sometimes both.  It requires an audience of five or less and often occurs during an intervention or after the receipt of a credit card bill that reveals frequent trips to the strip club.

Ryan O'Neal and Ali Macgraw Never Apologized To Each Other

Ryan O'Neal and Ali Macgraw Never Apologized To Each Other

Although apologies may be the latest friendly trend, it’s important to note that one errs on the side of unpopularity when expressing such regrets to loved ones.  After all,  being in love means never having to say you’re sorry.

February 22, 2010 Posted by | Celebrities, Gifts, Methods, Relationships, Social Trends | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Raising The Bar

Rise and shine friendly and trendy alcohol imbibing Americans, a new day has dawned for our way of life. When you woke up yesterday there were three branches of Government:The Legislative, The Executive, and The Judicial; However, today when you looked out your window at the summer sun you could probably sense something was different.

A Now Obsolete Rendering of The Three Branches of Government

A Now Obsolete Rendering of The Three Branches of Government

That slight difference is  that one third of those branches is no longer with us.  Despite the nomination and subsequent confirmation of Supreme Court Judge Sonia Sotomayor, the Judicial system is now obsolete. While “the bar” may technically still exist it now refers to the place where everybody knows your name, and they’re always glad you got arrested, thanks to the latest trend in settling legal disputes, “The Beer Summit.”

An Historic Moment

An Historic Moment

With the recent advent of the first Beer Summit, in which President Obama settled the issue of whether or not Henry Louis Gates was guilty of breaking into his own house by simply inviting the Harvard Professor and his arresting officer to discuss the charges and the racial strife caused by said charges over a beer; overnight it has become customary to settle all disputes in this manner.

Now there’s a brand of justice that both tastes great and is less filling (of our overcrowded prisons). Whether or not you’ve been  wrongfully accused of murder or simply pulled over for driving under the influence, you’ll be faced with two options:  One, you could put on a suit and be tried by a jury of your peers; or two, you could down a few with your accuser and effectively reach an understanding in a flurry of four beers.   The latter option is certainly less costly than one of those money grubbing lawyers and it helps promote understanding of not only the difference between the accused and the accuser, but also between lagers and IPA’s.

I'll Be The Judge of That

I'll Be The Judge of That

While the court system will still exist in a limited role for those totally boring members of Alcoholic’s Anonymous there will be limited need for Judges and lawyers (hooray!) as the only remaining courthouses will be located in towns named “Justice” in the states of Illinois, Wyoming, North Carolina, Oklahoma and Kentucky.  The Supreme Court will also be replaced by the United States Council of Wise Bartenders, which may or may not consist of the current members of the Supreme Court provided they pass bartending school in time for the fall session.

Gary- Master Mixologist and Member of the Council of Wise Bartenders

Gary- Master Mixologist and Member of the US Council of Wise Bartenders

So cheers to the friendly, trendly new way of solving our problems  and if you don’t like it…well then this Bud’s for you. Now if only we could get Iran and North Korea to the beer table.

July 31, 2009 Posted by | Current Events, humor, Politics | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Have The Conversation

Greetings Trendly Tweeters and Facebook status flirts. Do you spend the majority of your day tethered to an electronic device not designed to give you sexual pleasure?Are you fully up to speed on the whereabouts and goings on of all of the seven hundred people in your online network yet draw a blank every time you try to imagine what their voice sounds like?  And when it comes to your own voice do you have trouble remembering whether it’s  more nasal, manly, or just somewhere in between?  If you said yes to all of those it’s time to clear the cobwebs in your throat and get familiar with a trend that, well, used to be really popular a year or two ago…the trend of actual conversation.

People Are Talking...Talking 'Bout People

People Are Talking...Talking 'Bout People

Yes ladies and trend-tleman the oral adventure that is human communication has taken many forms since the lord created man on the seventh day and then planted evolutionary clues to convince scientists their whims had the slightest merit.  Early man used grunts and hisses to impart such important notions as “please pass the salt” and “I’m going to go hit that pig over the head many times with a club so that we can have it for dinner and then rape that female.” While we were on track to develop a complex language based on those hisses and grunts for quite awhile, the almighty himself deferred communicative ease for a few years after an unsatisfactory architecture experiment at Babel.  This failed “tower” project not only made conversation impossible but it allowed for the worldwide spread of mankind and development of different linguistic characteristics to the point where we needed a phrasebook to figure out what people like Dennis Miller and the French were talking about.

Tower of Babel: Responsible for Linguistic Leanings of French People and Dennis Miller

Tower of Babel: Responsible for Linguistic Leanings of French People and Dennis Miller

Thanks to the advent of technology and the imperialistic notions of such nations as Great Britain, The United States of America and Finland, there is now an “international language” that doesn’t involve sexual favors for the exchange of spices.   That language is “innovation” and that innovation usually comes with an English instruction manual and now includes visual aides typed via computer.  While mankind has fought so hard to bring themselves closer together, many technological advances have provided the ruse of progress due to the fact that while we think sharing links of kitty videos over the Internet is uniting us, we will never actually get to see the people who we are sharing those videos with naked and in person.

May Actually Get To See Each Other Naked In Person

May Actually Get To See Each Other Naked In Person

However, thanks to the potential re-embrace of the idea of actual conversation people are talking, talking about people, and not only that, those very same people are now starting to remember that face to face interaction and chronic halitosis is a lot more desirable than chronic carpal tunnel syndrome and blurred vision.  So that’s why we here at Trendliest are urging you to put down that Twitter, head down to the local pub and buy yourself something bitter and talk it out with some of your best buds instead of typing it.  Give those vocal chords the workout they’ve been begging for.

May 15, 2009 Posted by | Language, Social Trends, Technology | , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

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