Have you been “Rick-rolled” one too many times? Do you have a not-so-secret longing to get back at those who have tricked you into knowing that they’re never gonna give you up, let you down, run around and desert you? While it may be a nice sentiment for your friends to repeatedly promise that they’re never going to make you cry, say goodbye, tell a lie and hurt you; the fact that they made you sit through a Rick Astley video says otherwise. At least they could’ve had the common decency to switch it up every once in a while with the “Together Forever” video.
Well, if you’re in the market for some sugar-coated pop culture revenge, look no further than the 1980’s beer commercial soundtrack goodness that is the music of Steve Winwood. That’s right, “Rick rolling” is out and “Winwooding” is the latest friendly trend in ironic Internet trickery.
Before the salad days of Rick Astley, Steve Winwood enjoyed a long fruitful career as a valid and profitable musician, playing in bands like Blind Faith and Traffic, before settling down into his ultimate legacy as 1980’s easily listening pop/rock with songs that reminded us that by rolling with it and drinking Michelob Light, the finer things would indeed keep shining through.
Well that was a long time ago and the Winwooder looks primed for a comeback of sorts, even if it’s not quite of Astley-esque proportions. The stage was set for such an event during the pre-game concert for Super Bowl XLIV when an early-arriving, unsuspecting throng of Football fans got Winwooded prior to both teams taking the field.
With his performance prowess fresh on the brains of the media savvy, there’s never been a friendlier, trendier time to “Winwood” someone by linking them to this video. So we here at The Trendliest recommend you do it now, before everyone starts Bruce Hornsby-izing you.
Worshippers at the altar of Trendlyism, do you believe?!?! I said, DO YOU BELIEVE? If you believe that some benevolent force from up on high has been providing you with a steady stream of life’s little miracles that are both friendly and trendy, I want you to give me an AMEN!!!
Now this trendly lord has spoken to me and he’s told me to take your hands, brothers and sisters. And he’s told me that he wants you to put that hand right up against your face, my spiritual brethren. The lord has told me if you put that hand against your face as he requested and he told me that if that hand is bigger than your face, then you may be suffering from the latest friendly trend that is brain damage!
Fear not trendly brothers and sisters, whether or not you have or have not had a nearby friend smash that hand in your face just yet, you do not ail in vain. The lord has pointed us to a new study…a new study that has linked spirituality to decreased cranial capabilities. So while you may be a little slower on the uptake than most, you’re that much closer to the friendly, trendy man upstairs.
Even after stepping down from our pulpit for a hot minute, it’s plain to see that people all around the nation have been so eager to catch onto this trend since word of the study got out that they’ve willingly subjected themselves to harsh forms of head trauma just to feel closer to the heavens above. While it’s been hell on their better judgement, millions of folks have reasoned that inflicting a painful brand of godliness upon oneself has allowed them to skip the usual pitfalls of piousness such as charity and goodwill. Getting in bike accidents whilst not wearing a helmet, taking repeated blows from blunt instruments, or even watching full episodes of Glenn Beck has become commonplace for those failing to derive any sort of gratification from their personal surroundings and relationships with others.
The need to adhere to a strict dogma has driven thousands of people to revel in their newly inflicted spiritual status at places of worship, hospitals, and tea parties in the name of all that is holy. Luckily, many of those who have inflicted the friendly trend of brain damage upon themselves will soon be able to seek treatment for their conditions thanks to the new healthcare bill which many of them had so religiously opposed. And even if treatment can’t save them from the prospect of life long brain damage, they’ll be blessed with so much spiritual belief that they’ve already been saved, that it really won’t matter. And to that we say, “Hallelujah!”
As you may recall, our last trendly tip had something to do with slithery domestic darlings, known as Pet Snakes. Well, we’re not the only ones to pick up on the friendly trend of this loveable household danger that doubles as a scaly necklace. Our friends at the Onion have since had something to say about the appeal of keeping a 20-foot python in the presence of your other bundles of joy. Take a peak at some Trendliness in action:
Greetings trend petters and prospective owners of slithery things. Do you have the desire to woo the fairer sex with a not-so-domesticated animal, but are afraid that the ladies will think that fearsome, untrained Pit Bull you rescued from a fighting ring is entirely too adorable? Are you suffering from a harsh case of diminutive genitalia that purchasing a used Nissan Z won’t cure? Do you think most creatures in the wilderness are highly adaptable to both urban and suburban jungles ? Well, if you’re looking for a figurative cure all for your pet and pecker woes, look no further than latest friendly, trendy and ultimately scaly version of man’s best friend, the pet snake.
Yes, owning a pet snake certainly goes a long way towards making the socially and sexually inept seem a whole lot more interesting. Your three-inch one-eyed trouser snake may make you less of a man, but taking your eight-foot long python out in public on a Friday night to purposely attract attention to yourself will surely make the ladies swoon without resulting in an arrest for indecent exposure. Dogs may be able to fetch and cats are aces at laziness and manipulation, but neither of them can aid you in auto-erotic asphyxiation quite like Constricty the Boa Constrictor can.
Snakes aren’t just for insecure males compensating for loose-fitting underwear. Well-proportioned ladies can also use a serpent’s company to appear like that slutty forbidden fruit in the Garden of Eden during a rock video appearance or VMA performance. Nothing says, “look but don’t touch” or “I’m a man eating-whore that will swallow you whole,” like an actual animal that will in all probability swallow you whole if you forget to feed it.
Pet snakes also prove practical in the disposal of pesky house pests like mice, rats, or dead bodies. Paying an exterminator or using those inhumane glue traps is a thing of the past, just leave your slithery suite mate out and about for a few days and your infestation issue is a thing of the past, as is your visiting mother-in-law. Sure your cat could’ve taken care of those rats and mice, but your pet snake ate your cat too…and really what’s more friendly and trendy than being higher up on the food chain.
Greetings citizens of the United States of Trendmerica! How bout those Olympics? Did you enjoy seeing Bode Miller and Lindsey Vonn glide down slopes to victory on tape delay? Did watching Apolo Anton Ohno take out two South Korean skaters to capture bronze give you a good old fashion heart attack of patriotism. Was there a tear streaming down your cheek each time you saw the red, white and blue perched high above that first place podium as the instrumental version of the National Anthem blared proudly above an athlete birthed in the lower 48? Well, you’re not alone. From February 12-28th of 2010 there was no better form of escapism from your lack of employment or health care than taking two and a half weeks to engage in the latest friendly trend known as blind nationalism.
Yes, ladies and trend-tleman while other nations may have stronger economies and a better education system, we Americans took comfort knowing that some guy from Illinois executed a triple lutz better than a guy that comes from a country your children can’t locate on a map; not for any personal glory, but just so people from his own nation would be proud of him.
What’s a triple lutz anyway? Who cares? We Americans can do anything we set our minds to unless it involves Ski Jumping or Curling. USA! USA!
While the Olympics is marketed as the ultimate coming together of nations for or a place for international athletes to totally get it on; the folks at home use it as a rallying point to show their superiority even if they live in a country that limits the rights of their minorities by placing bans on the types of clothing they wear, religious symbols they can erect or simply is responsible for giving the world Nickelback. What better way to lose focus on issues that plague ones nation than to pretend they don’t exist for two and a half weeks because someone can move really fast when there is ice beneath them.
Unfortunately, this friendly trend of completely warranted pride in one’s homeland comes with an expiration date. After the week or so of Olympic medalist talk show appearances, sports fans and people who enjoy seeing the distribution of precious metals to others beneath their flag, have to wait another few years before really feeling good about where they are living or where they were born.
But you know what they say, everything old is new again, and fortunately for our trend-lympians, we know the exact date that blind nationalism will be friendly and trendy yet again. Here’s looking at you London 2012.
Greetings sexy techies! Do you prefer pushing the touchpad on your swanky new iPhone to that special someone’s love button? Do your erogenous zones differ depending on what area code you’re in? Is your cell always on vibrate? If you answered “yes,” that means you’re already hip to the hottest trend in getting it on…and that’s getting it on with every sweet young thing in your mobile network via Sexting.
There’s no more romantic way of telling the object of your affection that “u want 2 b with them 2nyt” than by sneaking a photo of your genitalia in the middle of math class on the same device your mom uses to tell you to come home for chicken and Stove Top. Why keep that air of sensual mystery and intrigue when you can just as easily give up the goods? After all, if her kiss is on your list, there’s no reason your shaft shouldn’t be on her cellular. Worst case scenario, your entire junior high will be well aware of your physical inadequacy in the nether region. Best case scenario, the clinically-insane-but-hot, young teacher will see the pic and ask you to stay after class to father her children.
The sexy text message is not necessarily a new invention, though it used to be virtually impossible to show your significant other visual evidence of just how close to cutting glass hardness your nipples were?
That being said, the practice of almost immediately titillating your long distance darling with a few simple seductive sentences is as old as that communicative dinosaur known as Morse code. While it’s well-known that Samuel Morse‘s first telegraphic message was “What hath god wrought!” His follow up message was a simple “A/S/L?” followed by “what are you wearing?”
Years later it wasn’t uncommon for wives of Civil War soldiers to receive telegrams via Western Union like the one below:
Thinking of your rear while on the front.
Taking my pants off.
Say hello to the children. Long live the Union!
Lt. Sinclair Percy Levingston
Needless to say, Western Union workers were frequently seen blushing.
While Al Gore’s Internet helped bring technology sex into the 20th century by first allowing sexual predators to converse with minors and send them photos of their genitalia at the same time, desktop computers with dialup modems were highly immobile and relied too much on the inconvenient and often snail-like process of uploading photos for the sharing of nOOdz.
The advent of both the camera phone and smart phone has cut out the middleman, ultimately making the practice of showing off your sprouting mammary glands as easy as saying cheese. You’d certainly be hard-pressed to find something more friendly and trendy than adding push-button convenience and mobility to your illicit encounters. Until we do, Sexting will remain at the top of the technical, sexual heap.
Do you constantly have the urge do paint your skin blue and have sex with the earth and its creatures while wearing 3D glasses? Were you disappointed on your last trip to the book store when you found out Rosetta Stone doesn’t make a Na’vi edition? Do you refer to your social skills as “Unobtainium”? Nevermind calling your psychotherapist to see what’s plaguing you, we here at your friendly guide to the latest trends, have the diagnosis and it’s got nothing to do with murder. You seem to have come down with decidedly trendly affliction known as Post-Avatar Depression.
You’re not alone film fanatics. Well, okay, you’re mostly alone. Rest assured there are several others like you; those moved to the point of obsession by a cliched plot, breathtaking CGI animation and glow-in-the-dark horses with eight legs instead of four. Ever since James Cameron opened the Pandora’s box that is his multi-billion dollar grossing opus Avatar, impressionable people with nothing better to do have envisioned themselves as inhabitants of a fictional planet rich in natural beauty and ten foot-tall blue people with superior physical skills to someone who just spent three hours gorging themselves on butter-slathered popcorn.
These human specimens who possess the rare ability to care entirely too much about an alien environment while not necessarily exhibiting any sense of urgency about their own, have taken to wallowing in the mire over the fact that they will never be able find themselves in the utopia that exists mostly in the mind of the guy who directed Piranha Part Two: The Spawning. Still, they’ve grown hostile to their fellow members of the human race who would sooner destroy natural resources than wait in line to meet Zoe Saldana at the next Comicon just to have that awkward moment when they tell her, “I see you.”
While the reality is all too disheartening, most wanNa’vis have found ways of coping with this hip film-based mental illness. For some it’s as simple as listening to Leona Lewis’s Celine Dion-esque “I See You” theme on a loop, while others have been forced to give into the realization that Avatar is just Ferngully mixed with Dances With Wolves, and still a few brave souls have pressed on living in their thin blue skin eagerly awaiting the sequel. Because, really what’s more friendly and trendy than not admitting you have a problem in the first place.
Rise and shine friendly and trendy alcohol imbibing Americans, a new day has dawned for our way of life. When you woke up yesterday there were three branches of Government:The Legislative, The Executive, and The Judicial; However, today when you looked out your window at the summer sun you could probably sense something was different.
That slight difference is that one third of those branches is no longer with us. Despite the nomination and subsequent confirmation of Supreme Court Judge Sonia Sotomayor, the Judicial system is now obsolete. While “the bar” may technically still exist it now refers to the place where everybody knows your name, and they’re always glad you got arrested, thanks to the latest trend in settling legal disputes, “The Beer Summit.”
With the recent advent of the first Beer Summit, in which President Obama settled the issue of whether or not Henry Louis Gates was guilty of breaking into his own house by simply inviting the Harvard Professor and his arresting officer to discuss the charges and the racial strife caused by said charges over a beer; overnight it has become customary to settle all disputes in this manner.
Now there’s a brand of justice that both tastes great and is less filling (of our overcrowded prisons). Whether or not you’ve been wrongfully accused of murder or simply pulled over for driving under the influence, you’ll be faced with two options: One, you could put on a suit and be tried by a jury of your peers; or two, you could down a few with your accuser and effectively reach an understanding in a flurry of four beers. The latter option is certainly less costly than one of those money grubbing lawyers and it helps promote understanding of not only the difference between the accused and the accuser, but also between lagers and IPA’s.
While the court system will still exist in a limited role for those totally boring members of Alcoholic’s Anonymous there will be limited need for Judges and lawyers (hooray!) as the only remaining courthouses will be located in towns named “Justice” in the states of Illinois, Wyoming, North Carolina, Oklahoma and Kentucky. The Supreme Court will also be replaced by the United States Council of Wise Bartenders, which may or may not consist of the current members of the Supreme Court provided they pass bartending school in time for the fall session.
So cheers to the friendly, trendly new way of solving our problems and if you don’t like it…well then this Bud’s for you. Now if only we could get Iran and North Korea to the beer table.