The Trendliest

A Friendly Guide To The Latest Trends

Kick Back, Relax, And Let Yourself Go…On Vacation!

Hello my hard working trend-ployees. Is the daily grind stressing you out? All of those hours you put in playing solitaire on your computer, standing around waiting for fly balls, or tailing Britney Spears as she drives from the gynecologist to Wendy’s to get a good snapshot can really take it’s toll on your sanity. You need a trendly fix to bring that blood pressure from a boil to a simmer and turn that frown upside down. Luckily, you’ve come to the right place because we’re giving you two all expense paid tickets to the latest friendly trend in leisure, going on vacation. All aboard the train to Trendly Island.

Vacationing itself has a long and treasured history. The concept was first outlined in 1983 by the Griswold Family of Illinois as a way for families to potentially kill off an unlikable elderly relative and her annoying dog while spending lengthy amounts of quality time in a cramped space while traversing the roads United States of America . Vacations soon became rites of passage for younger children as it allowed them to discover the danger of marijuana and the thrill of participating in the armed takeover of amusement parks. It even afforded family patriarchs the opportunity to go skinny dipping with attractive blonde models who drove Ferraris…and believe us that was one of the trendlier sticking points that had many families taking to our nation’s highways.

Clark W. Griswold: Vacation Visionary

In 1985, The Griswold Family upped the ante, allowing the folks at documentary film company, National Lampoon, to follow them on their revolutionary trip to the European continent. Before this time, Americans only ever traveled to Europe on business.

Señor Frog’s: Home of The Triple Kiss

While the Griswolds may have blazed trails for a new kind of travel, vacationing has evolved quite a bit since their heyday, allowing for plenty more options than just U.S. road trips and European jaunts. Travelers are now flooded with more choices than they can shake a stick at. Some of the most trendly vacation packages allow travelers the opportunity to romance a ladyboy in Bangkok, triple kiss with twenty something’s at Senor Frogs in Cancun while someone wearing a Girls Gone Wild hat films them, and even lose their life-savings at a $15 dollar black jack table game in Atlantic City.

There’s plenty more vacay alternatives where that came from…and to prove it we here at The Trendliest are taking a little vacation of our own. Where are we going? Why to the trendliest place of all, Hollywood. Jealous? Don’t worry, we’ll say hi to Brad and Jen for you and soak up as much trendliness as we can find. Of course, you’ll be the first ones we share it with when we get back in a week. TTFN.

April 30, 2008 Posted by | Travel | , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Better Late Than Never

Hello savvy seekers of the latest trends. Have you been putting off your daily duty of checking our site to find out the latest fashionable fad? Well if you have then you’re way ahead of the game, because the hottest method of doing just about anything these days is “Procrastination”.
Procrastination or the act of putting things off until they absolutely have to be done, is sweeping the nation.

The procrastination craze has been nearly 5,000 years in the making. The original procrastinator was Greek Philosopher Procrastines who never came up with any sort of theory until about one minute before he knew he was going to die. As he stood waiting to be stoned to death he was asked by the soldier in charge of his execution how he’d like to respond to the charge of having contributed nothing useful in the way of philosophy to society…Procrastines responded…”I figured I’d just come up with something really good at the last minute and it would be better because it was off the cuff…or tunic (translated from Ancient Greek)” and with that he was mercilessly stoned to death.

An Inaccurate Rendering of The Stoning of Procrastines

Since Procrastines’ death, tiny flashes of his philosophical influence have been popping up, though neverto officially recognize it as a trend. In the late 1930’s and early 1940’s the United States procrastinated in getting involved in World War II until Pearl Harbor was bombed and in 1986 Jimmy Chalmers of Deer Lick, Kentucky waited until the night before his Garden of Eden diorama was due to inform his mom that he needed a shoebox and some construction paper. Procrastination popped up yet again in 2003 when the Minnesota Vikings let the alotted 15 minutes expire before they made their first round draft pick. allowing both the Jacksonville Jaguars and Carolina Panthers to pick before them.

The most telling sign that procrastination has finally become trendly is that it took nearly 5,000 years after the first incident of procrastination for us to declare it trendly. It’s trendliness is made even more apparent by the hasty manner in which we put this post together. As it was written a mere 5 minutes before the noon deadline we had set for ourselves to declare it trendly.

April 29, 2008 Posted by | Methods | , , , , , | Leave a comment

Looking For Love In All The Right Places

Hey you hopeless trend-mantics. Are you looking for love in all the wrong places like the condom aisle in the Rite-Aid or the Lenny Kravitz region of your local music store? Have you fallen head over heels only to have the back of your skull hit the sidewalk and leave you with a nasty grade three concussion? Well, shake it off because at least you’re looking…and looking for love is one of the latest trendly social undertakings worth participating in.

Matchmaker Extraordinaire

Way back in the 70’s only high profile athletes and world champion chest hair growers could look for love on shows like “The Dating Game” and “Are We Making Whoopee Yet?” thanks to the greatest matchmaker there ever was, Wink Martindale. In the 1980’s finding true love was way unimportant. Tina Turner was asking what love had to do with anything and the guys in Foreigner didn’t even know what love was. Turns out everyone was too xenophobic to clue them in.

Wanted To Know What Love Was

Didn’t Need Another Hero

Now that it’s the 2000’s…the art of falling in love has completely evolved, making it totally friendly and trendy. Even the most undeserving of average people who just happen to look good naked can look for love and find it almost instantaneously by using the platform of the personalized dating show. Using this method, the person seeking love invites thirty people into their house for two weeks and makes out with all of them unless they’re fat…chosing to “do” only a select few. A camera crew films the proceedings to insure that all participants maintain their dignity and act with charm and grace. At the end of the honorable proceedings the winner of the love competition then does a shot of tequila and marries he or she whom was originally looking for love. They obviously live happily ever after and neither attempts to gain more fame, being completely satisfied with their new lover for the rest of their life. However, they do not completely opt out of the spotlight as the physical consummation of these TV bred relationships is usually a live televised event, often viewed by millions of viewers who are totally into watching married people getting it on.

Tila Tequila Was So Happy About Finding Her First
True Love That She’s At It Again…You Go Girl!

For some reason, not all people choose the personalized dating show angle and opt for more private potential partner explorations. Two acceptable avenues for shut-ins who don’t know how to communicate whilst clothed and might need a computer to tell them that they should meet in public are and The latter is a site aimed at people who want to sit naked in the computer room and pray together without the complication of their own opinions getting in the way. Also, with Wink Martindale out of the picture, who better to help you find love than the lord (or Chuck Woolery)?

So whether you have a hankering for the spotlight…or like to type by the lamplight…rest assured there’s always a trendly way to look for love…now get out there and find love so you can give it away. It’s trendlier to give than receive…but if someone gives it to you first you have to reciprocate. Them’s the rules.

April 28, 2008 Posted by | Love, Social Trends | , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Go Cold Turkey

Hey Habitual Trend Seekers…Are you trying to wean yourself off a totally unhealthy addiction to harmful welfare, crack, or a vegan lifestyle? Have you tried patches, pills, and everything just short getting arrested and subsequently raped in prison to calm that co-dependency? The problem with those methods is they create more co-dependency. One patch begets another patch and one prison rape begets more prison rape. You get the picture. These days doctors are recommending a new old method when it comes kicking the bottle, can, or bizarre sexual kink. The latest way to cut the cord with your sinful indulgence is by using what physicians and deli owners alike are referring to as cold turkey.

You Can’t Go Cold Turkey With Tofurky

Prior to being used as a co-dependency cure-all, Cold Turkey was actually used to make a certain kind of Whiskey that went by the name “Wild Turkey”. While Cold Turkey wasn’t the active ingredient that made the whiskey drinkers go “wild”, people back then were imbeciles and thought that the floating chunks of meat saturated in alcohol were the reason they felt good. When prohibition hit and the production and distribution of “Wild Turkey” was banned, many of these avid whiskey drinkers came up with the delerium tremens. To satisfy their need for a fix, many of them took to the local turkey coup or farmers markets where they butchered these flightless birds en masse, threw their meat on ice and went to town, eating every last shred of light and dark meat. While this didn’t satisfy their fix…the former addicts became so tired due to all of the tryptophan they had ingested that some of them fell asleep for days, outlasting their bouts of the shakes and therefore shedding their alcohol dependency.

Now Available Without Turkey Chunks

However, when prohibition ended all of the former alcoholics went back on the sauce, wise to the fact that turkey bits did nothing to enhance their drunken state. Wild Turkey nearly went out of business and Jack Daniels flourished as a brand. Wild Turkey eventually adjusted by taking turkey bits out of their whiskey, and founded Butterball as a side business. Everyone pretty much forgot about the “Cold Turkey” incident until several years back when a pre-med student who just so happened to be a methadone addict was working on a report in a library came across an old newspaper headline in the New York Daily Sun, “Cold Turkey Quells Prohibition Fueled Alcoholic Rampage.”

The next time that student felt the need to shoot up…he instead went to his deli counter and bought a pound of Boars Head Cajun Smoked Turkey with Cracked Pepper ordering that they be sliced “not too thin” and ingested several slices when he returned home. He fell immediately asleep and woke up still jonesing for methadone…but quelled yet another hankering with more cold turkey until he was full and had slept a good 38 hours, missing his vital mid-terms, but at least he wasn’t doped up. The student then took his findings to his professor who then had him expelled for drug addiction and published the unnamed student’s findings in a prominent medical journal sometime around 1998.

“Inventor” of Cold Turkey Method

While the Cold Turkey theory has been circulating around the medical community for nearly ten years now, it was only recently put into practice on VH1’s hit TV show Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew, who just so happens to be the Doctor/Professor who published the original report. The show remarkably resurrected the careers of one of the Baldwin Brothers that isn’t as talented as Alec…and some guy who is apparently a very good ultimate fighter. If cold turkey is capable of rescuing those people’s lives from their addictions, whose to say it couldn’t prevent you from conquering your addiction to chocolate…or resurrecting your media based career. Wouldn’t that be trendly?

April 25, 2008 Posted by | Health | , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Should We Talk About The Weather?

Hello you cunning linguists. Do you speak trendlinese? Well if you can understand what everyone’s talking about you probably do? If you can’t then you’re obviously unaware that the latest trendly conversation topic jumping off the tip of people’s tongues all over this great planet of ours is none other than the weather. That’s right, every day in elevators, in office buildings across land, sea, air and space, people get together to awkwardly discuss things like temperature, clouds and how that tramp on the third floor looks like she’s dressing for a night at the club rather than a day of the office.

There’s no better way to pass those awkard 42 seconds between the lobby and the 126th floor than to prove just how little you’re willing to intrude on your co-workers lives and simultaneously avoid discussion of your own sordid encounters than the diversionary tactic of mentioning something completely arbitrary that is utterly neutral and factually indisputable, such as weather. If you’re lucky enough to work in a high tech office building where the elevator has a TV with news headlines and weather displayed on the bottom, you don’t even have to force the issue and can even feel free to discuss the weather in other cities as displayed on said screen as well.

This Elevator Ride Could Be A Lot Trendlier

Talking about the weather doesn’t have to be a one-sided affair based on factual statements though, there are ways to make talking about it seem like a two-way friendly discussion. All one has to do is simply mention how cold it is and that you wish it would be summer already…and voila, it’s like you’re at the water cooler discussing that tramp on the third floor again.

Billy Joel has Incredible Weather Savvy

So where are do all of these friendly trendy people get all of their conversational ammunition about barometric pressure? Well there are plenty of ways to learn about the weather so that you may “wow” your elevator mates. The easiest way aside from taking to the streets and interviewing people who are currently outside, is to listen to the Billy Joel song “Storm Front” off of his 1990 album Storm Front, which if played through to the end will alert the listener of “a low pressure system and a northeast breeze…a falling barometer and rising seas,” as well as “cumulonibus and a posible gale” not to mention “a force nine blowing on the Beaufont scale.” However if one is to listen past track six on the album, they’ll end up hearing about a clown in Leningrad…which to most elevator-users is a completely undesirable topic for conversation along the lines of Darfur or the rapture. Another popular method for gaining weather knowledge is by employing a magic 8 ball and asking it if the weather is nice today. If Magic 8 Ball reads “ask again later” the hazy response should clue the user in that he or she will be faced with hazy or busy weather.

Nicolas Cage Talked About The Weather En Route to Gaining His Celebrity

However, the ultimate way to get your hands on whether the Weather is hot or cooler than cool is on the television. Weather forecasting is so trendly that it has it’s own TV network just like other potentially trendly phenomenons like buying useless items (QVC) or dating skanks (MTV/VH1). People tune in from all over the world just to find out that a tornado might hit Oklahoma sometime in the next three hours or that it’s always raining in London so that they never run out of constant conversational ammunition for their upcoming elevator trips. What’s more is that people who can talk about weather constantly on TV end up being national celebrities…and if talking about the weather can make you a celebrity…what’s not trendly about it?

April 24, 2008 Posted by | Social Trends | , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

It’s Easy Going Green

Hello again to all of our Eco-Trendly readers, we know we covered an environmental topic yesterday, but since it’s Earth Week…we thought we’d keep the trend going (wink, wink). By the way, this blog is typed on 100% recycled binary code, because we here at Trendliest know that the hottest new environmental in-thing is going green. We are certainly proud to admit that we have been green since the day we started as evidenced by the background color for our site, but that’s not all. We also always wear green shirts, and eat grass. We even had a salad for lunch today while listening to the hot environmentally trendly band Green Day.

Yes going green is probably the easiest most helpful thing you can do for the environment. How does it work? Well by only eating and manufacturing products that utilize the color green, any of the waste produced by said products will effectively be sorta green. It’s estimated that if by the year 2014 everything we eat, drink or use is green that nearly one-third of the earth’s landfills when viewed from a spy satellite from outer space will have a sort-of greenish hue.

What The Earth Should Look Like If We Effectively “Go Green”

So, you’re probably asking, “How Do I Go Green?” Well if you’re the Incredible Hulk or Irish you’re off to a good start. St. Patrick effectively started the going green movement when he chased all of the snakes out of Ireland some time in the 16th Century and told everyone to drink green beer from now on. Each St. Patrick’s day is practically an exercise in making the environment better. Why the city of Chicago is practically the most environmentally friendly place in the world for all of the times they’ve dyed their river green.

Chica-goes Green

However, if you’re not Irish all you have to do is watch Al Gore’s grammy winning documentary An Inconvenient Truth and whenever you find yourself wearing shorts on a sunny winter day make a remark about how it’s due to “global warming” while attempting to give people in liberal neighborhoods guilt trips for not signing your Greenpeace petition. There, you’ve officially gone green…and you’re officially trendly.

April 23, 2008 Posted by | Environmental | , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

It’s Getting Hot In Here

Hello citizens of the most trendly planet there is. Happy Earth Day. Is it hot in here or is it just us? Actually, we know why it’s a little warm in here and it’s not because we forgot to turn on the AC. The reason the entire globe is starting feel a bit like a sauna is none other than the latest environmental trend, Global Warming.

Anti-Global Warming Crusader and Racing Legend Al Unser, Jr.

Now there’s been a lot of noise made by the likes of nearly everyone named Al (Gore, Unser Jr., Roker) saying that Global Warming is a bad thing, but in actuality it’s more part of Mother Nature and God’s plan than tofu and lead-based paint. You see, when God created the Earth about 25 years after he created and got bored with the still undiscovered Ice Planet Zektor-18 approximately 2,625 years ago…he made an unspoken, unwritten pact with mankind that when life on Earth started out, the people would have seasons so they would know what beauty and accomplishment could come from the hardship and terror of having to survive a long winter.

At the same time he silently declared that if man worked hard, progressed and became industrious enough to build large machines and create complex chemical compounds that could eat away at the thin layer of atmosphere called “Ozone” that separated humans from their divine benefactor in heaven, the lord would reward the human beings for their toil with a constant tropical climate. Every child would get a talking parrot and the polar ice caps would melt turning the majority of the earth into a great big pool for what he silently dubbed “swimmy time.”

During “Swimmy Time” You’ll Be Able To Swim With Dolphins
…and Bears

As the polar ice caps slowly begin to melt, we see that thanks to our hard work the lord’s ultimate plan for turning the Earth into a tropical paradise is well underway. This is not a time to fear for our future and the future of our planet, but to embrace the friendly trend that is global warming and prepare for the ultimate in tropical relaxation. So get out of your hybrid car (ugh so last year) and get thee to a gym, because when Global Warming reaches it’s final stage you better have a nice bod for all of that time you’ll be spending in a bathing suit.

April 22, 2008 Posted by | Environmental | , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Never Break The Chain

Hello fellow members of the psychic trends network. Are you feeling a little superstitious today? Maybe that’s because you had a premonition that we’d be covering something that kind of has to do with your good and/or bad fortune. While there are several things beyond your control that determine your everyday fate such as horoscopes, mere coincidence and traffic and weather together…there is one friendly and trendy way to ensure that you always have good luck no matter what happens as long as you don’t mind being more than slightly annoying…and that’s the latest trend in communication, Chain letters.

The First “Chain” Letter, Track 5

Chain letters have been around since just after the release of Fleetwood Mac’s 1977 album Rumours, when a Sacramento woman, after listening to the song “The Chain” for the 236th consecutive time was inspired to “never break the chain” her boyfriend had just broken, known as their relationship, by sending him 53 copies of the same letter stating “if you don’t love me now, you will never love me again…and unless you send this letter to 15 more people, you’ll have bad luck for the rest of your life.” While her boyfriend didn’t mail the letter to anyone or get back together with her, he did come back three weeks later to pick up his Fleetwood Mac album. She considered this a small victory and never sent another letter again.

However, at least 12 of her 53 letters did accidentally reach the wrong recipients and confused them to the point where they felt it necessary to mail copies out to as many people as possible for fear that they may face the ultimate curse of life long bad luck at the hands of the anonymous psycho witch with an obsession for letter writing campaigns and Stevie Nicks. It’s this same letter that has been circulation for more than 30 years, though various adjustments have been made to bestow particular rewards on those who participate and incur certain penalties on those who do not. As for the aforementioned boyfriend…he’s now living in Billings, Montana with his wife and four kids… and if living in Billings, Montana with a wife and four kids isn’t validation that the hex of the chain letter works…then what pray tell is?

Brought Back Economy, Fleetwood Mac and Chain Letters

Since the 1970’s The chain letter has fallen in and out of popularity, enjoying a resurgence around the time of Bill Clinton’s 1992 Presidential Campaign thanks to the usage of “The Chain” as his campaign song. These days the chain letter is once again on the upswing due to Hillary Clinton’s candidacy and her choice of Fleetwood Mac’s slightly less inspiring “You Make Loving Fun” as her campaign song. Thanks to the miracle of email and social networking sites these kindly threats are much more easily delivered to a greater mass of people and adorned with pictures of kittens with just a click of a button, though some hard copies do circulate via the less than reliable postal service.

It’s even become trendly to turn blog posts in to chain letters. In other words, if you read this post and email it to 20 people in the next 15 minutes the love of your life will contact you and give you a massage and 45 cents will be donated to a little boy in Nova Scotia who desperately needs a matching Dolce & Gabbana belt to go with his sweet sunglasses. If you don’t email this blog post to 20 people…not only will you be accused of being totally untrendly…but you’ll also be dead before the dawn.

April 21, 2008 Posted by | Communication | , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Splendor In The Grass

Hey fellow Trend Addicts, do you remember when we used to sing in the government yard in trend town? Neither do we, but when we finally came to we were listening to a Hot Tuna album and had orange Cool Ranch Doritos stains all over our fingers, not to mention the fact that our glaucoma was miraculously cured. We’d venture to say that it was all a result of our usage of the latest trendly health helper, medicinal marijuana.

Medicinal marijuana has been a smokin’ hot subject ever since it came up in that episode of HBO’s Entourage where Turtle tried to get laid and find a cure for cancer while something happened with Vince in a movie. However it wasn’t always such a friendly and trendy topic. According to a conspiracy theory article that may have appeared in High Times Magazine in the past several years next to a centerfold of a fern, it was the U.S. government’s discovery of the Mafia’s covert supplying of Medicinal Marijuana to Cuba that was the sole reason behind both the Cuban Missile crisis and the eventual Kennedy Assassination. They didn’t call it the “Grassy Knoll’ for nothin’. Medicinal Marijuana was also indirectly responsible for the Ricky Martin leaving Menudo…but that’s a way longer story.

In the nowadays medicinal marijuana has become quite the subject for debate. Doctors argue that it helps ease the pain of patients suffering from nerve damage and lack of desire for late night snackage, while those who oppose it think of it as a gateway to other legal medicinal cure- alls like medicinal cocaine, medicinal heroin, and medicinal Flomax. However,there’s one point that advocates and opponents alike have chosen to agree on, and that’s that medicinal marijuana makes watching the 1939 film, The Wizard of Oz while listening to Pink Floyd’s Division Bell album (start it on the 2nd MGM Lion Roar) totally “trippy”…which is most certainly trendly, but not as trendly as tasting colors…Man.

April 18, 2008 Posted by | Health | , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Blimpin’ Ain’t Easy

Hello you Trendly Travelers. Has it been some time you’ve flown the Trendly Skies? Are you turned off by the uncomfortable seating, whining children, Salisbury steak and crackers dinners, and the fact that you won’t be able to see the Grand Canyon because you’re seated on the left side of the aircraft? With all of those distractions, it’s a wonder jet liners carrying foreign soccer teams don’t go careening into mountain ranges more often. If you’re looking for a newer, safer, more trendly way to sit atop Cloud 9, we here at The Trendliest recommend taking to the wild blue yonder with the latest craze in aerial trend-vel, Blimps!

Yes, Blimps have come a long way since their early years. They were originally invented by the jet liner industry for the sole purpose of creating Public Service Announcements (PSA’s) aimed at warning the “eager to fly masses” on the inherent dangers of blimp travel. Most of these PSA’s failed miserably when passengers would take off safely and arrive safely at their destination. Famous archeologists Henry Jones and Henry Jones Jr. even caused quite a stir when they used one of these blimp airships as a forum to handily dispose of a few Nazi henchman who came aboard without tickets, providing Blimps with more unneeded publicity.

Fortunately, all of the jet liner industries efforts to produce a successful PSA came to fruition when a blimp known locally as “The Hindenburg” came crashing down in a fiery heap over the cesspool known as Lakehurst, N.J., causing potential travelers to say, “No thanks” to balloon-centric transportation, while inspiring young white children in the UK to form bands like Led Zeppelin and Rod Stewart.

Thinks Blimps Are Sexy

Despite its sordid history of mostly successful runs…The Blimp industry has come back in a big way! Hundreds of blimps are now glamorously deployed everyday by television production companies to capture static images of crowded parking lots surrounding sporting arenas. Blimps take passengers to exotic and positively trendy locations all over the world such as, above Busch Stadium in St. Louis or high above Jacobs Field in Cleveland.

Oh The Places You’ll Go!

Flying inside a blimp is like flying inside a large version of your living room in the sky, provided your living room doesn’t sporadically burst into flames. It’s your own personal space where you can wander around, sip champagne and watch the game while verbally abusing anyone within earshot. And while flying in the lap of luxury, instead of watching the game on TV, you can watch dots on the ground that look like they might be doing something related to a sport that you might want to watch even though half the time it’s just soccer…And we all know what happens to soccer teams when they fly.

Perhaps the only downside to Blimp Travel is that not many companies offer Blimp rides to the public and therefore Blimpin’ ain’t easy. However it’s this exclusivity that makes Blimp Travel well worth the price of admission. After all, anything this hard to come by must be positively trendly.

April 17, 2008 Posted by | Travel | , , , , | Leave a comment