The Trendliest

A Friendly Guide To The Latest Trends

Praise The Lord!

Welcome worshipers to the Church of the Holy Trend-ity. Today we’re going to show you the light so that you never wander astray from living a trendly life…Can I get an amen?!?! As you may well know, Jesus Christ sacrificed his life and all things trendy so that we, his children, might do the opposite: embrace trendy things, and not die on a giant, lower-cased T. Yes, by sacrificing his want for meat on Fridays, various sexual encounters and ultimately life…he gave us the power to indulge in the wrong, so that we might one day renounce all of the fun stuff in his name and spend eternity in heaven sitting next to him watching closed circuit tv of all of our living grandchildren. And for that we think you should be engaging in the Trendliest religious act there is….Thanking God.

Amen, brothers and sisters! Thanking God or just saying “Thanks God!” is essential to success in nearly every field save for Olympic Archery, provided you’re not in a third world country. Perhaps that’s why you can hear it echoing in the world’s houses of worship, casinos, winning locker rooms, and walk-in closets. In order to effectively thank God, you must first bow your head, clasp your hands, free your mind of all things relating to the upcoming G.I. Joe movie, and thank the Lord! You may also address The Pope if he happens to be in the stadium of your local baseball team. Can I get a “Hallelujah”?

The Man Upstairs is Not A Fan

When an upcoming musician wins a Grammy award for “Best R&B Song in a Film or Ringtone” he or she always makes sure to thank “the big man upstairs” – which is of course, portly uber-producer to the stars: God! When a gas pipe explodes at the very street corner you stand at every day waiting for the bus after going the gym, killing 70 people and a bus full of terminally ill school children heading to the “Make-a-Wish” headquarters – you, breathe a sigh of relief and thank God for the flat screen television you’re watching the tragedy unfold on, because you were feeling lazy and decided to skip the gym.

Yes, the most gratifying part of life it seems these days is getting the opportunity to thank God for everything. From the monumental – getting the perfect job, to the minor – avoiding a carjacking, thanking God comes into play in every situation. As the popular wartime slogan goes “If you’re not in the car with God, you’re probably sitting shotgun with some weird, eight-armed deity,” and, frankly, thanking an octopus is not as trendy as one would think. So the next time you find yourself at a podium accepting an award for your hit song “Baby, I Want to Be All Up In Your Uhhh” featuring Li’l Benvolio or just finding the warp zone to the 8th level on Super Mario Bros., remember to thank God. It’s the righteous and trendly thing to do.

An SB-EK Collaboration

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April 16, 2008 - Posted by | Religion | , , , , , , ,

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