The Trendliest

A Friendly Guide To The Latest Trends

Praise The Lord!

Welcome worshipers to the Church of the Holy Trend-ity. Today we’re going to show you the light so that you never wander astray from living a trendly life…Can I get an amen?!?! As you may well know, Jesus Christ sacrificed his life and all things trendy so that we, his children, might do the opposite: embrace trendy things, and not die on a giant, lower-cased T. Yes, by sacrificing his want for meat on Fridays, various sexual encounters and ultimately life…he gave us the power to indulge in the wrong, so that we might one day renounce all of the fun stuff in his name and spend eternity in heaven sitting next to him watching closed circuit tv of all of our living grandchildren. And for that we think you should be engaging in the Trendliest religious act there is….Thanking God.

Amen, brothers and sisters! Thanking God or just saying “Thanks God!” is essential to success in nearly every field save for Olympic Archery, provided you’re not in a third world country. Perhaps that’s why you can hear it echoing in the world’s houses of worship, casinos, winning locker rooms, and walk-in closets. In order to effectively thank God, you must first bow your head, clasp your hands, free your mind of all things relating to the upcoming G.I. Joe movie, and thank the Lord! You may also address The Pope if he happens to be in the stadium of your local baseball team. Can I get a “Hallelujah”?

The Man Upstairs is Not A Fan

When an upcoming musician wins a Grammy award for “Best R&B Song in a Film or Ringtone” he or she always makes sure to thank “the big man upstairs” – which is of course, portly uber-producer to the stars: God! When a gas pipe explodes at the very street corner you stand at every day waiting for the bus after going the gym, killing 70 people and a bus full of terminally ill school children heading to the “Make-a-Wish” headquarters – you, breathe a sigh of relief and thank God for the flat screen television you’re watching the tragedy unfold on, because you were feeling lazy and decided to skip the gym.

Yes, the most gratifying part of life it seems these days is getting the opportunity to thank God for everything. From the monumental – getting the perfect job, to the minor – avoiding a carjacking, thanking God comes into play in every situation. As the popular wartime slogan goes “If you’re not in the car with God, you’re probably sitting shotgun with some weird, eight-armed deity,” and, frankly, thanking an octopus is not as trendy as one would think. So the next time you find yourself at a podium accepting an award for your hit song “Baby, I Want to Be All Up In Your Uhhh” featuring Li’l Benvolio or just finding the warp zone to the 8th level on Super Mario Bros., remember to thank God. It’s the righteous and trendly thing to do.

An SB-EK Collaboration

April 16, 2008 Posted by | Religion | , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

He’s Got One In The Oven!

Hello my trendly menlies…isn’t life beautiful? What’s that you say? You don’t know because you can’t experience the miracle of giving birth. Well, that’s a shame. For the longest time women were so selfish that they kept the right to give life all to themselves…popping out baby after baby with ease, leaving their men with little to do but to sweep the house, and learn how to breathe so that when their wives were giving birth they could blow in their faces and make funny sounds to add comic relief to the situation as infant upon infant came sliding out.

Famous Feminist Leader P. Diddy

Not only were women in control of the child rearing industry, but since acquiring the right to vote thanks to the efforts of Susan B. Anthony and P. Diddy’s Vote or Die campaign, women have threatened to take over nearly all aspects of society. They’ve more or less trivialized men’s place in society by taking over masculine roles like high school football kicker, sexy nurse and even corporate CEO. Luckily for men, in the past few years these domineering yet reasonable leaders have lessened their hold on society allowing for the installation of a glass ceiling, so that when women find their way to the executive floor, men in middle management still get the pleasure of looking up their skirts.

Despite women ceding some of their previous roles like home maker and sexy nurse over to men, it looked like those feminists would never allow men to participate in the one thing men really long to be apart of…the miracle of life. That is until now. Yes gentlemen, your prayers have been answered with the latest Health trend…Pregmancy.

Anything You Can Do, I Can Do Better

No, that’s not a typo…The latest trend in childbirth is men putting one in the oven for nine months. Derived from the latin word pregnancy, which stems from the roots
preggers”, meaning “to have a child within” and “nancy”, meaning having “feminine qualities”…scientists simply replaced the n with an m because it was more aesthetically pleasing in terms of what they were now describing. Hence the term was born.

Inspired by the knowledge gained in documentary films such as Junior, 3 Men and A Baby and Cop and A Half as well as the episode of The Cosby Show when Cliff Huxtable gives birth to a hoagie, scientists have made it possible for men to experience the one thrill greater than watching your favorite speed skater compete in the olympics…birth.

Pudding and Pregmancy Pioneer Cosby

No longer do men have to go to the sperm bank and wait twenty or so years for an awkward knock at the door to experience the joy of having children. This is all made possible by simple procedure in which a man is born a woman and then decides that she identifies more with being a man. Said woMAN then has a sex change, but keeps her ovaries in tact. He is then impregnated by a stork, through hardcore stimulation or by the aforementioned sperm bank by a suitable donor who is both handsome and smart, but mostly in need of cash for sperm.

Pregmancy in Action…ON OPRAH!

However, it is most vital that before the baby is carried full term, said parents must appear on Oprah, so that they can be paraded around on national television like some beautiful freakshow showing how all is right with the world and how a film starring Arnold Schwarzenegger,which until now carried so little meaning paved the way for a social movement. If the latter does not occur, said family and baby is sure to languish in abject obscurity for what might end up being an entire lifetime filled with either hardship and/or happiness. At the end of the full term the man has the delight of squeezing a small being through their sex organ, known as the “mangina” not to be confused with popular european soft drink Orangina, and voila a baby is born, pioneering a new movement in child birth…and as we all know, being the first to do something is most decidedly trendly.

April 15, 2008 Posted by | Current Events, Health, Methods | , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Trendliness in Action: Pranks- Jeff Ehrhardt

Hello Trend Trackers, We here at the Trendliest admit sometimes the things that we consider downright trendly can seem so absolutely crazy that it might prompt readers to think we’re just pulling their leg. Fortunately, every once in awhile our knack for sniffing out what’s hot gets the affirmation it so deserves in the form of a news story.

This morning we were absolutely delighted to read about our latest social trend, Pranks, being put to good use by a top notch athlete at a prominent Kentucky University. This T.M.O.C. (Trendly Man on Campus) is none other than Murray State Quarterback Jeff Ehrhardt, who when in response to a dare from a teammate who offered him $20 (any amount of money is trendly) pushed a campus police officer and took his ticket book. While we previously didn’t state “dares” as trendly, the campus athletic director’s affirmation of the whole event being “a prank gone bad”, validates our previous post.

As a result, The Trendliest salutes Murray State Quarterback Jeff Ehrhardt…and hopes that he can avoid the potential 10 year prison term that goes along with being charged with 2nd Degree Robbery so that he can continue being Trendly in other ways, like perhaps playing the Clarinet.

April 14, 2008 Posted by | Trendliness In Action | , , , , , | Leave a comment

Trendliness in Action: Pranks- Jeff Ehrhardt

Hello Trend Trackers, We here at the Trendliest admit sometimes the things that we consider downright trendly can seem so absolutely crazy that it might prompt readers to think we’re just pulling their leg. Fortunately, every once in awhile our knack for sniffing out what’s hot gets the affirmation it so deserves in the form of a news story.

This morning we were absolutely delighted to read about our latest social trend, Pranks, being put to good use by a top notch athlete at a prominent Kentucky University. This T.M.O.C. (Trendly Man on Campus) is none other than Murray State Quarterback Jeff Ehrhardt, who when in response to a dare from a teammate who offered him $20 (any amount of money is trendly) pushed a campus police officer and took his ticket book. While we previously didn’t state “dares” as trendly, the campus athletic director’s affirmation of the whole event being “a prank gone bad”, validates our previous post.

As a result, The Trendliest salutes Murray State Quarterback Jeff Ehrhardt…and hopes that he can avoid the potential 10 year prison term that goes along with being charged with 2nd Degree Robbery so that he can continue being Trendly in other ways, like perhaps playing the Clarinet.

April 14, 2008 Posted by | Celebrities, Methods | , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Prank’d: Be Like Ashton!

Hello my band of trendly tricksters, are you having a laugh? No? Well that’s too bad. Are you sad because your significant other was in a horrible train accident today and your apartment just burned down? What, nobody told you? We’re just kidding. That’s what we here at The Trendliest call a prank…and it’s the hottest new way to get a hearty har-har out of friends and family, but mostly out of yourself.

Pulling a prank is easy. There are only a few simple steps. First, think of a friend, enemy, frenemy, or group you want to make feel bad. Second, think of something to do that would absolutely eliminate that person or group’s dignity and/or crush their soul. Third, enact a plan including either bombs, children, or other celebrities (sometimes all three) to temporarily crush their soul and/or erase their dignity. Next, watch said person or group lose their dignity while reacting to this potentially horrific occurrence by bursting into tears or reacting in a manic nature. Finally, announce to your friend, enemy, frenemy or group that they’ve been “punk’d” or that the event that has crushed their soul indeed never occurred or that at least part of what you said wasn’t true, thus sending a great sense of relief to said prankee, though never fully restoring their dignity. There, you’ve pranked someone. Wasn’t it fun and or trendy?

Carson Palmer: Leader of Trojans, Destroyer of Spartans

While Pranking is currently trendly, some times it can go horribly awry. One of the first pranks was held way back in the time of the Trojan War (otherwise known as the 2002 GMAC Humanitarian Bowl) when the USC Trojans led by then Quarterback Carson Palmer entered the Spartan arena by occupying a wooden horse that was then left outside the Michigan State University stadium, which their opponents then mistook as a gift and brought it onto the field of battle. However, once inside the East Lansing stadium, Palmer and company ritualistically slaughtered their opponents with a precision passing attack, clock eating run game, and harrowing defense by a score of 48-3, thus winning the Trojan War…and leaving plenty of blood, pain, and humiliation in their wake.

Those Poor, Unfortunate Michiganders

Ashton Kutcher: Trendliest Hero

Indeed, while most pranks end in horrible tragedy due to the fact that they never reach that aforementioned “final step”, as evidenced by the efforts of extremist religious groups like Al Qaeda and shows like “Candid Camera”, one man has mastered the art of stripping people of their dignity and then giving it back to them in small pieces so that over time they may one day hope to be a shell of their former selves. That man is Ashton Kutcher. His hit show “Punk’d” shows famous people crying because their fancy cars have been smashed even though they haven’t and it makes us all laugh, which is the original point of pulling the prank in the first place…and what’s more trendly than coming full circle.

April 11, 2008 Posted by | Celebrities, Methods | , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Support Your Favorite Band…FOREVER!!!


Hey Trendliophiles, What’s that you’re listening to? Perhaps the latest from Terence Trend D’arby? Oh, It’s Radiohead…and they’re still as good as they ever were? What’s that you say, the greatest band in the world? Wow, that’s a big statement, but of course they are. It would be downright untrendly of you not to say so. In fact, supporting your favorite band past their artistic peak no matter how little you presently identify with their current output is so in, as is berating people who disagree with the intangible proof of your viewpoint despite the fact that music appreciation is totally subjective. After all, what’s more friendly and trendy than informing people of what they should think is cool according to your tastes.

That reminds us, have you heard the new Wilson Phillips record? It’s totally going to win a Grammy. They’ve really grown up on this one and I think they used the same producer that worked on Jesus Jones’ second album, so it really takes them into a whole new place sonically.

That being said, we here at the Trendliest have a few albums that we’re totally looking forward to whenever they should happen to come out. The first one on our must have list is Chinese Democracy from the hop hot duo of Axl Rose and KFC-face. If this album is any bit as good as their previous homophobic, misogynistic efforts you can count us in for two copies. We have a feeling that throngs of people already agree, this is the greatest album ever to maybe be in existence.
Our next pick of the musical litter is the latest from Hootie & The Blowfish. We’re not sure when their next album comes out or what it’ll be called, but ever since these soft rockers encouraged us to “Let Her Cry” we’ve been holding back streaming saltwater from our tear ducts in anticipation of the next time an opportunity presents itself for them to extract an equal amount of water weight from us via the magic of music.

Yes, we here at the Trendliest are quite on top of the supporting bands past their artistic peak trend. We’ve seen the Rolling Stones play 16 times since 1998 and had gold circle seating every time! Speaking of which, did anyone get tickets to see Radiohead at All Points West? Word is they might play “Creep”.

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April 10, 2008 Posted by | Celebrities, Music, Nostalgia | , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

If At First You Don’t Succeed…Search, Search Again

Hello my trendly little pupils. I hope you have your paper and pencils ready to take some notes because Trendology 101 is now in session. For today’s lesson in Trendliness we explore the hottest method for learning known as “Research”. As we all know, learning is important and research is not only the best way to learn things, but it’s used by nearly everyone, from Scientists who employ it to try to prove that God doesn’t exist to Producers on “The Jerry Springer Show”, who use it as a way to figure out what psychological buttons to push that will make two white-trash transvestite hermaphrodites so angry that they’ll punch each other in the face relentlessly on national television. If research is used on television how can it not be trendly?

“God who?”

The main aspects of research include reading about things, watching things and doing things related to that of which you may or may not already know, just in case you find yourself faced with the opportunity to appear on Jeopardy. For example if one wanted to research “martial arts” one might feel inclined to watch the Jeff Speakman movie or perhaps go to a dojo and punch someone in the face. The result would more than likely involve “Martial Arts, providing a wonderful opportunity for “hands on research”.

The term “research” itself originated with famed explorer Marco Polo, who in the 13th Century was sent to China by The Pope to look for spices. When Polo returned to present his holiness with the vast array of flavors he had found in the Orient, the Pope ordered him to go back and get more. Ironically, Polo had a horrible sense of direction and had made no markings on the map as to the places he had been. He told the Pope he would have to “re-search” for the spices and thus a new method of learning was born as was Mrs. Dash; the salt substitute was a direct result of Marco’s 2nd spice run. However, the fact of the matter is, after it’s invention research was very scarcely used. People preferred the use of the educated guess or “Hypothesis”, named after Greek mathematician Hypotenous for whom the longest side in a right triangle is also named. (Note: Getting things named after you makes them infinitely trendlier)

An Historic Moment In Research History

One of the first pioneers of researching was fairy tale “it” girl Goldilocks, who helped bring researching to the public eye when she found that some porridges and beds were too hot or too cold, but others were just right. Thanks to the efforts of this brazen blond researcher who effectively held the first focus group (a research method still used today by all the hottest marketing companies), the human race became acutely aware that partaking in anything that was “just right” ultimately pissed off bears. To this day, humans live in a slightly uncomfortable state to maintain a suitable equilibrium with the master bear race, because not getting mauled by Grizzlies is most certainly friendly and trendy.

Just as Goldilocks’ research led the human race to cope with things that may be a little too toasty or chilly, we here at The Trendliest use Marco Polo’s invention nearly every day to learn the latest on that which is not lame so we can pass it to you, our beloved readers. You know if we’re addicted to research, it must be trendly.

Thanks to Stephy P and Andrew M.

April 9, 2008 Posted by | Education, Methods | , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Catch A Wave!

Hey trend surfers, it’s your friendly neighborhood trend-vel agent here to tell you about some of the hottest spots to get your leisure on this summer. A few years ago all of the richies were heading to tony locations like the French Riviera and Rockaway Beach to get their fix of that fishy sea smell, cool ocean breeze, and to reap the benefits of the epidermal enhancements that come with getting crapped on by a seagull. However, with the economy in a slight temporary downturn, celebrities like P. Diddy and Fred Schneider of the B-52’s have ditched those pricey locales in favor of the less lavish but ultimately more rewarding experience offered at water parks. So why is everybody rushing off to their local wild water wet spots instead of hitting the sandy seashores? Two trendly words….Wave Pools.

Originally invented to bring the magic of the high seas and the joy of almost drowning to land locked areas like Nebraska and Hawaii, as well as to teach potential Cuban refugees how to survive the short trip to Miami; wave pools are an effective way to simulate your day at the beach without worrying about getting sand in your crack or falling victim to a vicious dolphin attack. Swim enthusiasts don’t even have to worry about easing into chilly water beyond their precious privates, because these faux-ceans (that’s fake oceans) are heated; if not by a big fancy pool heater, by the constant stream of urine being emptied into the water by scores of unconcerned children and incontinent adults. Wave warriors can even take their long boards out and hang ten in the pool pipeline, provided they’re skilled at evading toddlers. The best part is, there’s no need to check the daily surf report because, get this, the waves are adjustable! So whether you’re just a beginner in the blue crush or you’re ready to tackle a tsunami, the wave pool is the trendliest place to get wet this summer.

April 8, 2008 Posted by | Family, Leisure | , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Know What Everyone Is Doing…All of the Time!!!


Hello my Trendlies, Are you doing something friendly and trendy right now? Well how about now? Even if it isn’t trendly, you should probably tell us what it is you’re up to. Why? Because knowing what everyone else is doing all of the time is unbelievably trendly. As you’re reading this I’m doing perhaps the trendliest thing of all, blogging. While blogging may be a hot new way to show a nation on the edge of it’s seat important photos of your cat, it can no way inform people as to your regular whereabouts and goings on. The fact of the matter is everyone wants to know what you’re up to whether you’re in a bathtub getting ready to pop out junior with your midwife, poisoning the water supply in Myanmar or just plain hangin’ out. To put it briefly, you’re not cool unless somebody knows you’re cool. Thanks to technological advances like super computers, cell phones and the Swiffer Sweeper, keeping eager stalkers constantly apprised of your goings on has never been easier.

Way back in 1492 when Columbus sailed the ocean blue he forgot to tell his roommates he was even leaving the house and they were totally pissed when he ditched out without getting someone to sublet. It was four months before they knew he was gone and another two months before they were beheaded in a public square for not paying the full rent. If they could’ve checked his Facebox profile they would’ve seen the phrase “Christopher Columbus is out sailing for a few months” on his status update and put an ad up on Craigslist or on the town square bulletin board and avoided their subsequent guillotine rendezvous. Thanks to sites like Twitter and Tellmewhatyouredoingallofthetime.com this is so not a problem. These sites allow users to constantly give people the lowdown on what they’re up to by typing in their daily minutia into a browser so that you never have to exercise those pesky amenities known as their voice or their privacy ever again.

The trendliest people, a.k.a Celebrities, even have their own uber-exclusive telling everyone what they’re doing all the time service called TMZ.com. TMZ.com uses a complex system of stalkers with video and photo equipment aimed at the crotches of female celebrities to let the rest of the world know that celebrities never have underwear, always have genitalia, and sometimes go to the supermarket. Now that’s what we call trendly!

April 7, 2008 Posted by | Celebrities, Electronics, Social Trends, Technology | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Clarinet Hero


Hey Trend Stars, Do you like to rock out with your cochlea held firmly in place within your inner ear? Your friendly guides to the trend universe here at The Trendliest certainly do. However, we don’t like to rock out to the sound industrial noise or crying children, we prefer to”get the led out” with a healthy dose of music. For our ears there’s no sound trendlier than the sweet song emitted by, you guessed it, the Clarinet. Formerly referred to as the “Licorice Stick” due to the fact that it was it was invented by Charles Q. Licorice who used it as the first prototype for flavored edible wood, the original product manufactured unsuccessfully by the Twizzler corporation, this single-reeded sparkplug has been a pivotal element to all of the hottest tunes rising up the Billboard 100 charts. Artists as diverse as 50 Cent and and The Game are busting the rhymes with backing beats adorned with squeaky but sultry clarinet loops. Even Saxophone superstar Kenny G recently retired his tenor tool to get all handsy with the trendy friendly tunemaker.

So why all the fuss over this influential instrument. Well, we’d like to think it has something to do with the release of mega-successful music-oriented video games like “Woodwind Hero”, “Marching Band” and “Jazz Band”. The extreme difficulty of the latter has led kids to put down their virtual versions and actually get acquainted with the real thing. Young males seem hop to the fact that chicks dig musicians and as a result have begun taking up the Clarinet in droves. It’s a good thing their school music programs are so well funded. They’re practically teaching their kids music and sex ed at the same time, which is certainly a trendly way to deal with school budget issues.
It’s not just kids who are involved, celebrities are also creating a Clarinet cacophony. Word on the street is uber-trendly Hollywood director Woody Allen met his wife-daughter after a pedophilia fueled performance by his Clarinet quintet. Perhaps she was a fan of his earlier films like Manhattan and Zelig, but we prefer to think it was the way he wielded that Licorice Stick. There’s something irresistibly trendy and friendly about someone who knows their way around a Clarinet.

April 4, 2008 Posted by | Celebrities, Education, Music, Sexuality | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment