The Trendliest

A Friendly Guide To The Latest Trends

Sexing Up The City

Say Me-trend-sexuals, is it just us or is there more estrogen in the air than when a Celine Dion dance remix is playing on the radio? Or maybe that’s just the smell of Manhattan’s most prominent mixologists fixing up special Sextinis for the trendliest film event of the summer….The Sex and The City movie release.

Mmm…Sextinis

That’s right, you can stop re-watching the DVD’s of all six seasons and taking the Sex and The City bus tour every weekend afternoon just to pass by the alley where Samantha gave that twenty-three year old hustler a hand job, because starting today multiplexes all over the country will be packed with ladies and trend-tleman eager to see their favorite show hit the big screen. Meanwhile, most bars will resemble a complete sausage fest with men blankly staring at each other wondering why there are no women around.

We’re Totally A Charlotte

Yes, nearly four years have passed since the hit tv series Sex and The City took a bow and some large questions still loom. But before we get to those vital questions take a sip from your Cosmo and answer us this…Are you a Carrie or a Miranda? We here at the Trendliest totally fancy ourselves a Charlotte…you know, because we’re totally brunettes…and a little less skanky and also if you caught wind of the trailer apparently she doesn’t shave down there (wink, wink).

OMG! Will She or Won’t She?

So what’s all the fuss about? Are you kidding? The majority of the trend tracking world spent nearly 2800 minutes over the span of six years totally watching their fave aging spinsters wear fabulous outfits as they brunched at all the Manhattans hot spots, while Carrie took her time to decide if she wanted to marry Big. Frankly, we can’t take the anticipation any longer. We’re hungry for more deliberation and by the looks of the trailer, that’s what we’re going to get. The film has a running time of nearly two and half hours. That’s almost five episodes worth of should I or shouldn’t I? We can’t wait.

Maybe after the movie ends we’lll finally have some closure and some Trendlitinis at a Jejune in the Meat Packing district. However, if Carrie decides she shouldn’t marry her hunk, that would be just fine by us because that would lead to a sequel. And if you’ve been doing your part and reading trendliest all along, you’d know sequels are trendly.

May 30, 2008 Posted by | Film | , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

What Are We Talking About?

Hello my gifted trend-versationalists. is talking with your friends on a day to day basis as confusing as an “H.R. Pufnstuf”- themed key party hosted by Donna Shalala where David Bowie and Grace Jones are the guests of honor? Do you have any idea what that means? If you said no, well then it’s time to get hip to the hot new trend of making bizarre cultural references in everyday conversation.

“That punt was higher than Marion Barry on a fact-finding tour of Cartagena.”


Ever since Dennis Miller‘s Lazenby-esque run as color man alongside Al Michaels and Dan Fouts on Monday Night Football had ABC execs pulling a Ronnie Reagan at the Tower Commission hearing on the Iran Contra affair when asked why they cast the former SNL Weekend update anchor in the first place, making bizarre cultural references in conversation has been as unavoidable as a drug reference in a Sid and Marty Krofft show. Just take a look around other Trendliest articles. You couldn’t crash land the Hindenburg without running into a post rife with several references that might make you wonder where your mandibula was.

Reagan: “I have no recollection of hiring Dennis Miller”

If you’re still as confused as George Takei at a transexual Star Trek convention it’s probably best to brush up on your general pop culture and historical knowledge by spending countless hours clicking on as many links as possible on Wikipedia and IMDB.com so that you no longer resemble Helen Keller at a screening of Deep Throat when your friends talk about feeling like LC on the latest episode of The Hills. Instead you’ll be as laid back as Alfred E. Neuman smoking a J in bed with Loretta Swit saying, “What Me Worry?” How’s that for being trendly…if you catch our drift.

May 29, 2008 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Zoo York City

Hello you trendly party animals! We here at the Trendliest know that you’re absolutely exhausted from your Memorial day weekend festivities. In fact, we’ve decided that from now on it’s probably best you leave the horsing around to the horses, zebras, and unicorns. However, if you do feel the inclination to live vicariously through animals that know how to get down, there’s no trendlier place to visit than the Zoo.“Where’d This Fence Thing Come From?”


Yes, ever since land developers began putting up fences and accidentally blocking rare animals from escaping from small expanses close to their homes, zoos have been a hot spot for both family and adult entertainment alike, as well as serving as a valuable learning environment for the potentially criminally inclined. Zoos not only provide bestiality enthusiasts an ideal environment for getting off on watching caged helpless arthropods yearn for freedom from the insides of their relatively miniature enclosures, they also provides parents with an ideal setting to teach their mischievous children valuable lessons about the harsh realities of incarceration by showing them an entire family of tigers living in an expanse one thousandth the size of their natural habitat.

A Dejected Family of Tigers After Their latest Escape Plot is Thwarted

However, there’s more to Zoos than their ability to exhibit the repressive powers of fences; many visitors also get the invaluable experience of observing artificial environments undisturbed by their animal inhabitants who prefer to sleep in their man made caves away from the crowds. Imagine the thrill of being able to view a rock formation where a Kodiak bear will decide to sit once the zoo closes and the spectators have left.

While some animals shy away from the parental paparazzi eager to teach their children of the wonders of nature, others relish the limelight displaying their knack for frequent defecation and sexual desire. Monkeys are particularly adept at both, pairing them with their athletic penchant for projecting the results of both activities towards a fascinated crowd.

And they got…it…on

Yes trendly boys and girls, the zoo provides potential visitors with plenty of activity beyond their wildest expectations…and it sure beats sitting at home on your couch and watching that BBC Planet Earth show. After all, the trendliest way to experience nature is being right there in the thick of it.

May 27, 2008 Posted by | family entertainment, Leisure | , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Twice (or three or four times) As Nice


Hey film fans, are you still mad at the makers of No Country For Old Men for not telling you how the rest of Tommy Lee Jones’ character’s life ends up at the end the movie? We certainly feel your pain. The fact is, no movie is complete until you find out what happens with the rest of everyone in the film’s life or without one of those sequences at the end where a few lines of text tell you what all of the characters did with the rest of their lives. However, there’s a reason a lot filmmakers don’t include those important tidbits of information just before the closing credits. Why is that you ask? Well, put quite simply, they smell sequel. Yes ladies and gentleman, sequels are a friendly and trendy way to allow film goers to keep track of their favorite characters over the years while filmmakers reap the continuing critical acclaim.

Star Wars…Otherwise Known As The Holy Sextilogy

While plenty of sequels score big at the box office, most sequels are noted for being lauded by the press despite being virtually unseen at the theater. It’s often thought that the quality of a series improves with each successive film. The shining example of this is the Star Wars Sextilogy. The majority of that franchise’s fans will heartily agree that films four, five and six are the best of the bunch.

The first sequel to raise a big box office stink despite being hailed by Time Magazine’s Richard Corliss as “The Best Movie I’ve Ever Seen” was 1942’s Casablanca 2: Play It Again. That trend was followed dutifully by masterpieces such as Missing in Action 2: The Beginning and Driving Miss Daisy 2: Tokyo Drift. While both failed to cover production expenses, the former featured an Oscar®-nominated turn by Chuck Norris as Colonel James J. Braddock, whereas the latter took home a best director nod for McG.

“I’m Tryin’ To Drift You To The Sto’ “

This summer sequels are all the rage. With the recent release of sequels like Rocky Balboa, Rambo, Over the Top II, and Indiana Jones and The Kingdom of The Crystal Skulls, film fans and critics alike are being shepherded to multiplexes to catch all of the exciting potentially award-winning fanfare. Tantamount Pictures has even decided to capitalize on this friendly trend with the release of the first sequel without an original film, Explosive Intimidation II, featuring the return of Steven Seagal and Jean Claude Van Damme. However, don’t expect these films to rake in the dough. Film isn’t about making money, it’s about making art…and seeing as making art is a totally pretentious practice, we hereby deem the art of the sequel trendlier than ever.

May 22, 2008 Posted by | Art, Entertainment | , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

No TV, No Problem!

Hello my darling trend-tellectuals, did you catch last night’s episode of Women’s Murder Club? If we know you, you probably missed it because you you were reading Nietzsche or even attending a cocktail party because you’re obviously too trendy for school. However, if you really wanted to knock our socks off with your reason for missing television’s #1 exclusively female crime dramedy, you’d hand us the holy grail of trendly excuses which is you don’t even own a television.

The Women’s Murder Club is too busy solving murders to own a TV

The trend of “not owning a television” has been around since the dawn of “The Television Era” in 1939. Back then television was an exclusive pleasure that only the upper class got to enjoy. Many of the poor masses missed out on vital moments in entertainment history such as Zippy The Wonder Dog’s Triple Flip sponsored by Parliament Cigarettes and Milton Berle’s twenty- eight minute soliloquy on the length of his penis, brought to you by Maxwell House.

Berle: “Seriously…It’s That Long Folks”

However, as time wore on television became more affordable for the working class and it was a badge of honor to be able to provide one for one’s family. By the 1970’s nearly every working class family wore that badge and the television became yet another rather commonplace household item. The Boob Tube (because you could totally see boobs on it) also played a large role in increasing the knowledge base of people all over the world with educational shows like “Mutual of Omaha’s Wild Kingdom” and “The Adventures of Starsky & Hutch brought to you by the new 1971 Ford Torino”. This era was known as the Golden Age of Television, and it lasted nearly 28 years until 1998.

It was around this time that Stephen slapped Irene on the “MTV’s Real World Seattle” because Irene had accused Stephen of being gay. After this point most true intellectuals became greatly disillusioned with the world of television. A good amount of them decided to rid themselves of what they deemed the “idiot box” then and there, while most of them held on for a few more years hoping shows like “That’s So Raven” and “Elimidate Deluxe” could satisfy their need for intelligent entertainment.

A Product of The Stephen Irene Fallout

Nowadays, anyone who wants to prove both their trendliness and intelligence absolutely, positively does not possess a TV. They spend most of their time frequenting bakeries, telling other people they don’t own a TV, and reading PerezHilton.com…And if they want to know what happened on last week’s Women’s Murder Club, all they have to do is watch it on ABC.com.

May 21, 2008 Posted by | Television | , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Show Her (And Everyone Else) How Much You Care

Hello trendly soldiers in the army of love, is that your face we see firmly planted in the bosom and/or crotch of your lover? Oh don’t stop on our account. We here at The Trendliest are all for your not so covert romantic tryst. Not only do we think your need to consummate your relationship in our presence is rather touching, but it’s also overflowing with trendliness. After all, public displays of affection are all the rage these days.

Seeing couples out on street corners sucking face no matter what the weather, is pretty much the norm no matter where in the world you or Carmen Sandiego are. Have you ever stopped to think why you’ve managed to happen upon so many used condoms while strolling the park or traipsing down a sidestreet? Well, those condoms strewn about are a result of a public display of affection…or a quickie attempt at spreading chlamydia. Either way it was done where others might see the act take place, because at least one of the parties involved totally gets off on doing “it” (“it: meaning affection) in public.

THIS often leads to….

THIS!

Public displays of affection or “PDAs” as they’re commonly referred to by onlookers or Palm Treo users, aren’t limited to outdoor locations. They can occur in a busy store or restaurant. Really what’s better than showing the unsupervised neighborhood children running around at the local coffee shop how your tongue looks in your significant other’s mouth as you inform her of your pressing need to be “inside her”? After all, they have to learn what love is some time and seeing as their local Republican Congressman successfully lobbied to remove sexual education from their school’s curriculum they’d otherwise end up flying blind. However, thanks to trendly public displays of affection, kids can learn about the birds and the bees in a more realistic, less sterile environment such as Barnes and Noble.

May 20, 2008 Posted by | Romance, Social Trends | , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Fit To Be Tried


Are you slacking on your new year’s resolution to be slightly less corpulent? Whether or not you’re serious about telling people your goal to weigh more than Olsen Twins combined, but not quite enough to require a crane to lift you from both your doldrums and your bedroom, the fact is, there’s only one way to turn yourself from a Fiddle Faddle eating fatty into someone who annoyingly describes themselves as feeling “fit as a fiddle…Actually, there are probably three ways, but only one of them is trendly and that’s joining a gym.

It’s Not Called Fitness Faddle

Ever since 1990, when the cold war was coming to an end and most of the world was emerging from it’s cocaine addled hangover, the majority of people all over the globe have been obsessed with fitness. Men and women alike join gyms, spas and fitness clubs en masse for the express purpose of trying to convince the opposite sex that they are indeed in good enough shape to have sex as they creepily leer at on another from afar whilst using a Stairmaster.

Hey…How’s It Going?

Gyms aren’t just great places to tempt a restraining order. They’re a top notch option for anyone who harbors a serious desire to run on a treadmill next to someone who smells as though they’ve been swimming in a sewer for the last three days or maybe feels the need to catch a glimpse of someone else’s “manhood” on flagrant display in the locker room. Also, gyms are an ideal setting to pump yourself up with testosterone by listening to Metallica’s black album and then channeling that violent rage into one set of ten curls.


“Exit Light! Enter Night! Take my hand. We’re off to never never land!”

Aside from actually attaining fitness, the act of joining a gym allows those who don’t necessarily consider themselves fit freaks to acquire the illusion of dedication to their own health for a nominal monthly fee. In turn, members can effectively keep up their fitness ruse by showing up one or two times a week and wandering around the perimeter looking for a machine they might want to use for five minutes to achieve some level of muscle tone. Either way…they can still say they paid to join a fitness club…and as you should well know, becoming a member of an exclusive members only club is almost always trendly.

May 19, 2008 Posted by | Health | , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Coming Out Of The Woodwork


Whether or not you consider yourself a member of Generation X, Generation Y, The MTV Generation, or The Generation that really hates to be labeled with letters; if you’re under the age of 40, odds are that you’re currently lumped into a new generation known as the Social Networking Generation. Ever since the dawn of Friendster sometime around 2003, it’s been totally trendy to have a digital space to show all of your friends how many other friends you have just in case you want to make them jealous that you might have other people to hang out with besides them or if you want your other friends to find someone attractive within your group of friends that they don’t know that they may want to have unprotected sex with and/or fall in deep like with.

Aside from the glory that comes along with showing off the fact that you are semi-acquainted with more than 116 people, there are some thrilling occurrences that go along with Social Networking. Perhaps the biggest thrill comes from a group of Social Networkers which we here at The Trendliest call the “Woodworks”. The “Woodworks” are the group of people from your past who you may have met in school or perhaps during a boating accident that come seemingly out of nowhere or from the deep recesses of the forest known as the Internet to declare that you are indeed friends with them despite having been out of your life for somewhere between ten to fifteen years. While there are a decent portion of these so-called “Woodworks” that are recognized as welcome additions, many of them might as well go back to existing in the vacuum where they came from.

So why do they do it? Why do these “Woodworks” feel the need to re-establish contact with your metaphorical mission control? Maybe they’re hoping to rekindle a long dormant friendship or rehash some of the good ol’ times. While those possibilities sound marginally fantastic, chances are they just want to add you to their impressive roster of people they sort of know, but aren’t planning on speaking to or getting together with any time soon. No matter how curious you are about their well being or their whereabouts…all you are to them is a personal ornament on display for their own popularity’s sake that they can occasionally spy on.

This begs the question, why even accept woodworks into your social networking circle? Well, trendly Internet denizen, while there is no positively concrete answer to this query, there are certain acceptable responses; the first being that becoming friends with a “woodwork” may arouse enough curiosity in said person that they might see fit to rediscover your once unbreakable bond. However, the most popular reason for acceptance of said netquaintances is the hope that adding them to your friend roster will result in a future hand job or awkward sexual encounter made possible by a binge drinking outing.

Yes, the Social Networking Era…has blessed us with many gifts. We have the ability to play Scrabulous with our friends online or digitally “poke them” when we’re not physically trying to poke them. However, one thing still persists and that’s the “Woodworks”. Nary a day goes by when someone doesn’t come out of the woodwork to say, “Hey Trendliest, we were friends once…let’s be friends and ignore each other just like old times.” Yes, friendship with absolutely, positively no commitment necessary. Now that’s what we call trendly!

May 16, 2008 Posted by | Internet, Social Trends | , , , , , | Leave a comment

Power Up!

Have you been sitting on the toilet for the last two years hoping that one day you’d gather the will to finally leave your overbearing boyfriend and maybe flush the toilet and have the strength left over to light a courtesy match? Or maybe you’re firmly fixed to your couch hoping to muster that last bit of brawn it takes to reach your remote so that you can switch the channel from The View to something more stimulating like The Maury Povich.

While we admire your desire to do something more productive, we here at The Trendliest are also aware that it takes energy to fulfill those desperate desires. So to help you out of your predicament, we’re going to fill you in on the latest friendly trend that just might give you the wherewithal to scratch those eternal or most temporary of itches…Energy Drinks.

Sure there are plenty of drinks that might give you a gradual boost like orange juice or lighter fluid…but the down side to those drinks is that none of them taste good with alcohol or are suitable for the rock ‘n’ roll lifestyle.

Apparently Gives You Wings If Mixed With Just The Right Amount of Vodka

In fact, first Energy drinks were invented by rock stars and rappers who needed something stronger than Mountain Dew, but less expensive than their cocaine habit, that they could be seen drinking in public without arousing suspicion of being mixed with either Vodka or Hennessey as they were being followed by probation officers. The more outlandish they acted, the more they could claim that these “energy drinks” made them totally high on life even though they were totally just compensating for the effects of the alcoholic beverage that Nikki Sixx had just mainlined and vomited into their Red Bull.

Too Fast For Love…Thanks To Energy Drinks

Energy drinks aren’t just for musicians anymore. Starlets fresh out of rehab cling to beverages like Crunk Juice and ENERGYINYOURFACE!™ in the hopes that it’ll serve as a suitable alternative for that sweet, sweet crack rock. Even elderly folks using wheelchairs can be seen taking large sips of SuperHYPEBuzz!™ in order to hold on to the false hope that they’ll miraculously be able to fit in a game of half-court one on one before they eventually keel over and die.

Currently there are more than 624 energy drinks on the market from Crunk Juice to Liquid Meth (now made with actual ammonia)™ and as long as there are celebrities and drug addicts on probation or designated drivers in need of some sort of stimulant placebo they’ll remain the trendliest beverages around.

May 15, 2008 Posted by | Food & Drink | , , , , | Leave a comment

Go Medieval On Your Family!

Greetings Knights and Knightesses of The Trendly Table. Dost thou have an interest in being entertained, but can’t find the perfect family activity that combines violence, Cornish Game Hen, and possible spread of the Bubonic Plague? Well fret no longer Lords and Ladies of Trendcesterchire…because we’ve got something that’s right up your drawbridge, the latest trend in family entertainment, Medieval Times.
Medieval Times has been ironically around since about the 3rd Century B.C. when the Sumerians, in efforts to confuse the invading Mongolians dressed up like metal clad “future beings” that they had seen in a “moving picture” (which is to say a cave painting that got wheeled around once the wheel was invented) of their day, and began attacking each other in a bizarre manner which involved smacking each other with metal poles for no good reason whilst sitting on their respective camels. The Mongolian invaders rather than follow through with their invasion decided to camp out and watch the bizarre ritual, eventually settling down for a feast of Cornish Game Hen as they cheered on the festivities.

Ye Loyal Subjects Must Be Allowed To Finish Ye Cornish Game Hen

Over the years the spectacle that is Medieval Times evolved into a tournament held amongst European Knights on horses who would often compete in this “jousting” match for the love of a fair maiden. Most times these tournaments would never reach their logical conclusion seeing as the red knight had a penchant for swooping up the Princess or a random yet strikingly beautiful peasant child bride that all of the other knights had their eye on before she could even finish her Cornish Game Hen. A stolen princess would often be returned after a few days due to the fact that her chastity belt could not be unlocked and the tournament would re-commence lest that Knight be a skilled Metalsmith.

Ye Must Alway Be Wary Of The Red Knight…A Skilled Metalsmith

Current incarnations of Medieval Times are held in family friendly arenas of the suburban Kingdoms of New Jersey, Florida, and Orange County, California. They are a popular destination for Elementary Schools looking to teach children of the more “fun” aspects of Medieval life as they conveniently gloss over the horrors of both the plague and the crusades in favor of the delightful dinner combination of Cornish Game Hen (sans utensils) and Pepsi drank from an ornate chalice. However, every tournament still ends with the victorious knight picking a princess or peasant child-bride from the audience whether her parents approve or not. Nonetheless, Medieval Times is puts a modern day spin on a tradition of old, making it an absolutely friendly and trendy way to catch a fine evening of sport coupled with an inaccurate depiction of history and the opportunity to marry off your daughter at an age presently deemed to be entirely too young.

May 14, 2008 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment