Say Me-trend-sexuals, is it just us or is there more estrogen in the air than when a Celine Dion dance remix is playing on the radio? Or maybe that’s just the smell of Manhattan’s most prominent mixologists fixing up special Sextinis for the trendliest film event of the summer….The Sex and The City movie release.
That’s right, you can stop re-watching the DVD’s of all six seasons and taking the Sex and The City bus tour every weekend afternoon just to pass by the alley where Samantha gave that twenty-three year old hustler a hand job, because starting today multiplexes all over the country will be packed with ladies and trend-tleman eager to see their favorite show hit the big screen. Meanwhile, most bars will resemble a complete sausage fest with men blankly staring at each other wondering why there are no women around.
Yes, nearly four years have passed since the hit tv series Sex and The City took a bow and some large questions still loom. But before we get to those vital questions take a sip from your Cosmo and answer us this…Are you a Carrie or a Miranda? We here at the Trendliest totally fancy ourselves a Charlotte…you know, because we’re totally brunettes…and a little less skanky and also if you caught wind of the trailer apparently she doesn’t shave down there (wink, wink).
So what’s all the fuss about? Are you kidding? The majority of the trend tracking world spent nearly 2800 minutes over the span of six years totally watching their fave aging spinsters wear fabulous outfits as they brunched at all the Manhattans hot spots, while Carrie took her time to decide if she wanted to marry Big. Frankly, we can’t take the anticipation any longer. We’re hungry for more deliberation and by the looks of the trailer, that’s what we’re going to get. The film has a running time of nearly two and half hours. That’s almost five episodes worth of should I or shouldn’t I? We can’t wait.
Maybe after the movie ends we’lll finally have some closure and some Trendlitinis at a Jejune in the Meat Packing district. However, if Carrie decides she shouldn’t marry her hunk, that would be just fine by us because that would lead to a sequel. And if you’ve been doing your part and reading trendliest all along, you’d know sequels are trendly.
Hello my gifted trend-versationalists. is talking with your friends on a day to day basis as confusing as an “H.R. Pufnstuf”- themed key party hosted by Donna Shalala where David Bowie and Grace Jones are the guests of honor? Do you have any idea what that means? If you said no, well then it’s time to get hip to the hot new trend of making bizarre cultural references in everyday conversation.
Ever since Dennis Miller‘s Lazenby-esque run as color man alongside Al Michaels and Dan Fouts on Monday Night Football had ABC execs pulling a Ronnie Reagan at the Tower Commission hearing on the Iran Contra affair when asked why they cast the former SNL Weekend update anchor in the first place, making bizarre cultural references in conversation has been as unavoidable as a drug reference in a Sid and Marty Krofft show. Just take a look around other Trendliest articles. You couldn’t crash land the Hindenburg without running into a post rife with several references that might make you wonder where your mandibula was.
If you’re still as confused as George Takei at a transexual Star Trek convention it’s probably best to brush up on your general pop culture and historical knowledge by spending countless hours clicking on as many links as possible on Wikipedia and IMDB.com so that you no longer resemble Helen Keller at a screening of Deep Throat when your friends talk about feeling like LC on the latest episode of The Hills. Instead you’ll be as laid back as Alfred E. Neuman smoking a J in bed with Loretta Swit saying, “What Me Worry?” How’s that for being trendly…if you catch our drift.
Yes, ever since land developers began putting up fences and accidentally blocking rare animals from escaping from small expanses close to their homes, zoos have been a hot spot for both family and adult entertainment alike, as well as serving as a valuable learning environment for the potentially criminally inclined. Zoos not only provide bestiality enthusiasts an ideal environment for getting off on watching caged helpless arthropods yearn for freedom from the insides of their relatively miniature enclosures, they also provides parents with an ideal setting to teach their mischievous children valuable lessons about the harsh realities of incarceration by showing them an entire family of tigers living in an expanse one thousandth the size of their natural habitat.
However, there’s more to Zoos than their ability to exhibit the repressive powers of fences; many visitors also get the invaluable experience of observing artificial environments undisturbed by their animal inhabitants who prefer to sleep in their man made caves away from the crowds. Imagine the thrill of being able to view a rock formation where a Kodiak bear will decide to sit once the zoo closes and the spectators have left.
While some animals shy away from the parental paparazzi eager to teach their children of the wonders of nature, others relish the limelight displaying their knack for frequent defecation and sexual desire. Monkeys are particularly adept at both, pairing them with their athletic penchant for projecting the results of both activities towards a fascinated crowd.
Yes trendly boys and girls, the zoo provides potential visitors with plenty of activity beyond their wildest expectations…and it sure beats sitting at home on your couch and watching that BBC Planet Earth show. After all, the trendliest way to experience nature is being right there in the thick of it.
Hey film fans, are you still mad at the makers of No Country For Old Men for not telling you how the rest of Tommy Lee Jones’ character’s life ends up at the end the movie? We certainly feel your pain. The fact is, no movie is complete until you find out what happens with the rest of everyone in the film’s life or without one of those sequences at the end where a few lines of text tell you what all of the characters did with the rest of their lives. However, there’s a reason a lot filmmakers don’t include those important tidbits of information just before the closing credits. Why is that you ask? Well, put quite simply, they smell sequel. Yes ladies and gentleman, sequels are a friendly and trendy way to allow film goers to keep track of their favorite characters over the years while filmmakers reap the continuing critical acclaim.
While plenty of sequels score big at the box office, most sequels are noted for being lauded by the press despite being virtually unseen at the theater. It’s often thought that the quality of a series improves with each successive film. The shining example of this is the Star Wars Sextilogy. The majority of that franchise’s fans will heartily agree that films four, five and six are the best of the bunch.
The first sequel to raise a big box office stink despite being hailed by Time Magazine’s Richard Corliss as “The Best Movie I’ve Ever Seen” was 1942’s Casablanca 2: Play It Again. That trend was followed dutifully by masterpieces such as Missing in Action 2: The Beginning and Driving Miss Daisy 2: Tokyo Drift. While both failed to cover production expenses, the former featured an Oscar®-nominated turn by Chuck Norris as Colonel James J. Braddock, whereas the latter took home a best director nod for McG.
This summer sequels are all the rage. With the recent release of sequels like Rocky Balboa, Rambo, Over the Top II, and Indiana Jones and The Kingdom of The Crystal Skulls, film fans and critics alike are being shepherded to multiplexes to catch all of the exciting potentially award-winning fanfare. Tantamount Pictures has even decided to capitalize on this friendly trend with the release of the first sequel without an original film, Explosive Intimidation II, featuring the return of Steven Seagal and Jean Claude Van Damme. However, don’t expect these films to rake in the dough. Film isn’t about making money, it’s about making art…and seeing as making art is a totally pretentious practice, we hereby deem the art of the sequel trendlier than ever.
Hello my darling trend-tellectuals, did you catch last night’s episode of Women’s Murder Club? If we know you, you probably missed it because you you were reading Nietzsche or even attending a cocktail party because you’re obviously too trendy for school. However, if you really wanted to knock our socks off with your reason for missing television’s #1 exclusively female crime dramedy, you’d hand us the holy grail of trendly excuses which is you don’t even own a television.
The trend of “not owning a television” has been around since the dawn of “The Television Era” in 1939. Back then television was an exclusive pleasure that only the upper class got to enjoy. Many of the poor masses missed out on vital moments in entertainment history such as Zippy The Wonder Dog’s Triple Flip sponsored by Parliament Cigarettes and Milton Berle’s twenty- eight minute soliloquy on the length of his penis, brought to you by Maxwell House.
However, as time wore on television became more affordable for the working class and it was a badge of honor to be able to provide one for one’s family. By the 1970’s nearly every working class family wore that badge and the television became yet another rather commonplace household item. The Boob Tube (because you could totally see boobs on it) also played a large role in increasing the knowledge base of people all over the world with educational shows like “Mutual of Omaha’s Wild Kingdom” and “The Adventures of Starsky & Hutch brought to you by the new 1971 Ford Torino”. This era was known as the Golden Age of Television, and it lasted nearly 28 years until 1998.
It was around this time that Stephen slapped Irene on the “MTV’s Real World Seattle” because Irene had accused Stephen of being gay. After this point most true intellectuals became greatly disillusioned with the world of television. A good amount of them decided to rid themselves of what they deemed the “idiot box” then and there, while most of them held on for a few more years hoping shows like “That’s So Raven” and “Elimidate Deluxe” could satisfy their need for intelligent entertainment.
Nowadays, anyone who wants to prove both their trendliness and intelligence absolutely, positively does not possess a TV. They spend most of their time frequenting bakeries, telling other people they don’t own a TV, and reading PerezHilton.com…And if they want to know what happened on last week’s Women’s Murder Club, all they have to do is watch it on ABC.com.
Have you been sitting on the toilet for the last two years hoping that one day you’d gather the will to finally leave your overbearing boyfriend and maybe flush the toilet and have the strength left over to light a courtesy match? Or maybe you’re firmly fixed to your couch hoping to muster that last bit of brawn it takes to reach your remote so that you can switch the channel from The View to something more stimulating like The Maury Povich.
While we admire your desire to do something more productive, we here at The Trendliest are also aware that it takes energy to fulfill those desperate desires. So to help you out of your predicament, we’re going to fill you in on the latest friendly trend that just might give you the wherewithal to scratch those eternal or most temporary of itches…Energy Drinks.
Sure there are plenty of drinks that might give you a gradual boost like orange juice or lighter fluid…but the down side to those drinks is that none of them taste good with alcohol or are suitable for the rock ‘n’ roll lifestyle.
In fact, first Energy drinks were invented by rock stars and rappers who needed something stronger than Mountain Dew, but less expensive than their cocaine habit, that they could be seen drinking in public without arousing suspicion of being mixed with either Vodka or Hennessey as they were being followed by probation officers. The more outlandish they acted, the more they could claim that these “energy drinks” made them totally high on life even though they were totally just compensating for the effects of the alcoholic beverage that Nikki Sixx had just mainlined and vomited into their Red Bull.
Energy drinks aren’t just for musicians anymore. Starlets fresh out of rehab cling to beverages like Crunk Juice and ENERGYINYOURFACE!™ in the hopes that it’ll serve as a suitable alternative for that sweet, sweet crack rock. Even elderly folks using wheelchairs can be seen taking large sips of SuperHYPEBuzz!™ in order to hold on to the false hope that they’ll miraculously be able to fit in a game of half-court one on one before they eventually keel over and die.
Currently there are more than 624 energy drinks on the market from Crunk Juice to Liquid Meth (now made with actual ammonia)™ and as long as there are celebrities and drug addicts on probation or designated drivers in need of some sort of stimulant placebo they’ll remain the trendliest beverages around.
Greetings Knights and Knightesses of The Trendly Table. Dost thou have an interest in being entertained, but can’t find the perfect family activity that combines violence, Cornish Game Hen, and possible spread of the Bubonic Plague? Well fret no longer Lords and Ladies of Trendcesterchire…because we’ve got something that’s right up your drawbridge, the latest trend in family entertainment, Medieval Times.
Medieval Times has been ironically around since about the 3rd Century B.C. when the Sumerians, in efforts to confuse the invading Mongolians dressed up like metal clad “future beings” that they had seen in a “moving picture” (which is to say a cave painting that got wheeled around once the wheel was invented) of their day, and began attacking each other in a bizarre manner which involved smacking each other with metal poles for no good reason whilst sitting on their respective camels. The Mongolian invaders rather than follow through with their invasion decided to camp out and watch the bizarre ritual, eventually settling down for a feast of Cornish Game Hen as they cheered on the festivities.
Over the years the spectacle that is Medieval Times evolved into a tournament held amongst European Knights on horses who would often compete in this “jousting” match for the love of a fair maiden. Most times these tournaments would never reach their logical conclusion seeing as the red knight had a penchant for swooping up the Princess or a random yet strikingly beautiful peasant child bride that all of the other knights had their eye on before she could even finish her Cornish Game Hen. A stolen princess would often be returned after a few days due to the fact that her chastity belt could not be unlocked and the tournament would re-commence lest that Knight be a skilled Metalsmith.
Current incarnations of Medieval Times are held in family friendly arenas of the suburban Kingdoms of New Jersey, Florida, and Orange County, California. They are a popular destination for Elementary Schools looking to teach children of the more “fun” aspects of Medieval life as they conveniently gloss over the horrors of both the plague and the crusades in favor of the delightful dinner combination of Cornish Game Hen (sans utensils) and Pepsi drank from an ornate chalice. However, every tournament still ends with the victorious knight picking a princess or peasant child-bride from the audience whether her parents approve or not. Nonetheless, Medieval Times is puts a modern day spin on a tradition of old, making it an absolutely friendly and trendy way to catch a fine evening of sport coupled with an inaccurate depiction of history and the opportunity to marry off your daughter at an age presently deemed to be entirely too young.