Go Medieval On Your Family!
Greetings Knights and Knightesses of The Trendly Table. Dost thou have an interest in being entertained, but can’t find the perfect family activity that combines violence, Cornish Game Hen, and possible spread of the Bubonic Plague? Well fret no longer Lords and Ladies of Trendcesterchire…because we’ve got something that’s right up your drawbridge, the latest trend in family entertainment, Medieval Times.
Medieval Times has been ironically around since about the 3rd Century B.C. when the Sumerians, in efforts to confuse the invading Mongolians dressed up like metal clad “future beings” that they had seen in a “moving picture” (which is to say a cave painting that got wheeled around once the wheel was invented) of their day, and began attacking each other in a bizarre manner which involved smacking each other with metal poles for no good reason whilst sitting on their respective camels. The Mongolian invaders rather than follow through with their invasion decided to camp out and watch the bizarre ritual, eventually settling down for a feast of Cornish Game Hen as they cheered on the festivities.
Over the years the spectacle that is Medieval Times evolved into a tournament held amongst European Knights on horses who would often compete in this “jousting” match for the love of a fair maiden. Most times these tournaments would never reach their logical conclusion seeing as the red knight had a penchant for swooping up the Princess or a random yet strikingly beautiful peasant child bride that all of the other knights had their eye on before she could even finish her Cornish Game Hen. A stolen princess would often be returned after a few days due to the fact that her chastity belt could not be unlocked and the tournament would re-commence lest that Knight be a skilled Metalsmith.
Current incarnations of Medieval Times are held in family friendly arenas of the suburban Kingdoms of New Jersey, Florida, and Orange County, California. They are a popular destination for Elementary Schools looking to teach children of the more “fun” aspects of Medieval life as they conveniently gloss over the horrors of both the plague and the crusades in favor of the delightful dinner combination of Cornish Game Hen (sans utensils) and Pepsi drank from an ornate chalice. However, every tournament still ends with the victorious knight picking a princess or peasant child-bride from the audience whether her parents approve or not. Nonetheless, Medieval Times is puts a modern day spin on a tradition of old, making it an absolutely friendly and trendy way to catch a fine evening of sport coupled with an inaccurate depiction of history and the opportunity to marry off your daughter at an age presently deemed to be entirely too young.
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