Have you been sitting on the toilet for the last two years hoping that one day you’d gather the will to finally leave your overbearing boyfriend and maybe flush the toilet and have the strength left over to light a courtesy match? Or maybe you’re firmly fixed to your couch hoping to muster that last bit of brawn it takes to reach your remote so that you can switch the channel from The View to something more stimulating like The Maury Povich.
While we admire your desire to do something more productive, we here at The Trendliest are also aware that it takes energy to fulfill those desperate desires. So to help you out of your predicament, we’re going to fill you in on the latest friendly trend that just might give you the wherewithal to scratch those eternal or most temporary of itches…Energy Drinks.
Sure there are plenty of drinks that might give you a gradual boost like orange juice or lighter fluid…but the down side to those drinks is that none of them taste good with alcohol or are suitable for the rock ‘n’ roll lifestyle.
In fact, first Energy drinks were invented by rock stars and rappers who needed something stronger than Mountain Dew, but less expensive than their cocaine habit, that they could be seen drinking in public without arousing suspicion of being mixed with either Vodka or Hennessey as they were being followed by probation officers. The more outlandish they acted, the more they could claim that these “energy drinks” made them totally high on life even though they were totally just compensating for the effects of the alcoholic beverage that Nikki Sixx had just mainlined and vomited into their Red Bull.
Energy drinks aren’t just for musicians anymore. Starlets fresh out of rehab cling to beverages like Crunk Juice and ENERGYINYOURFACE!™ in the hopes that it’ll serve as a suitable alternative for that sweet, sweet crack rock. Even elderly folks using wheelchairs can be seen taking large sips of SuperHYPEBuzz!™ in order to hold on to the false hope that they’ll miraculously be able to fit in a game of half-court one on one before they eventually keel over and die.
Currently there are more than 624 energy drinks on the market from Crunk Juice to Liquid Meth (now made with actual ammonia)™ and as long as there are celebrities and drug addicts on probation or designated drivers in need of some sort of stimulant placebo they’ll remain the trendliest beverages around.
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