Hey Trendlophiliacs! We know you’re probably oozing trendliness from your arteries and veins with little hope of it ever clotting, but that’s probably a good thing. Everyone on your block probably knows how trendly you are by now so when you talk, they’ll listen. That’s sure to come in handy with our next trendly career, being a film critic.
Sergei Eisenstein: An Early Target for Film Criticism and Monkey Feces
The earliest form of film criticism came courtesy of Pogo The Monkey when he attended a screening of Eisenstein’s Battleship Potemkin back in 1925. After watching the film journalists asked Pogo what he thought of the film and Pogo raised three out of his ten fingers and then proceeded to fling his feces in the director’s general direction. Everyone took this to mean Pogo was none too impressed by Eisenstein’s pioneering use of montage. The monkey confirmed his feelings about the film by stating “my cousin Zippy could do a better job directing a snuff flick.” Pogo’s caustic sensationalism was quickly rewarded by the Chicago Daily Courier, who rewarded the chimp with his very own film and entertainment column. His ten finger rating system quickly became the norm for all film criticism and often his quotes were taken out of context and used on film posters. The most famous of these incidents was on the poster for The Wizard of Oz which read, “The Wizard of Oz Is A Landmark Piece…” when the actual line from the monkey’s review said “The Wizard of Oz Is A Landmark Piece of Crap.” As a critic Pogo became so famous that a comic book called “The Critic” was written about him. That comic book was later turned into an animated TV show starring Jon Lovitz, which was widely panned and had an abbreviated run on FOX.
Jay Sherman: The Human Cartoon Manifestation of Pogo The Monkey
By the 1960’s filmgoers grew tired of the monkey’s constant negativity. Two burgeoning film critics took this as their cue, effectively harnessing man’s evolutionary progress by utilizing opposable thumbs to their advantage. Roger Ebert and Gene Siskel recognized the confusion caused by rating a film on a scale from one to ten, so they simplified it by giving movies either a “thumbs up” or “thumbs down”. Movie fans favored the ease of this kind of ratings system over Pogo’s increasingly scathing reviews. While Pogo may have died alone and penniless in the zoo never having had the fortune of seeing James Cameron’s Titanic, the practice of film criticism lives on today, thanks to his efforts.
Two Thumbs Up For Evolution!
Plenty of people who like the idea of spending all of their time in dark rooms staring at a large screens, making lists, criticizing celebrities and seeing their name in print for overstating how good the film Juno was, have taken up the cause of film criticism. People like Richard Corliss of Time Magazine and Ron Brewington of Urban Radio Network have made it their life’s work to have their names in print, lauding Tom Cruise films or imposing their opinions on a public eager to have someone tell them what’s good. Yes, If you like the idea of millions of people’s viewing habits resting whether or not you have an opinion and opposable thumbs then being a film critic (or maybe a fascist dictator) is for you.
Hello tried and true Trendliest fans. Have you recently grown a little weary of something in your life that you consider to be the least bit aesthetically undesirable? Maybe you’re still wearing a beehive hairdo (that’s so last year) or the bedroom you sleep in doesn’t look quite enough like the grandstand court at the All England Lawn Tennis Club even though it’s your dream to participate in Wimbledon. Well, we here at Trendliest think it’s time to do something nice for yourself and treat your hair and perhaps the other unsatisfactory areas of your life to the friendliest trend around- a makeover.
This Could Be Your Bedroom
Prior to the advent of television, the idea of changing something about yourself or “making it over” was an idea only associated with escaped convicts. People who got new hairstyles or attitudes were usually arrested and sent back to jail on suspicion of wrongdoing alone. All of this changed thanks to “Sonny and Cher”, who first achieved popularity as a lovable variety-show hosting singing couple, but got career makeovers when Cher morphed into a sailor-banging Academy Award-Winning drag queen and gay icon and Sonny learned how to ski.
Sonny & Cher Pre-Makeover, Post Citizen’s Arrest
One of Cher’s Many Fabulous Makeovers
Many artists followed Sonny and Cher’s example, none so successfully as Madonna who experimented with countless looks and morphed from a younger 20 something-ish dancing whore/sexual icon into an older 50-ish wrinkled dancing whore/sexual icon.
Because of Madonna and Cher’s drastic makeovers in the public eye, television executives thought that making over inanimate objects such as wardrobes, bathrooms, and straight men could be equally as appealing to audiences of popular culture. As a result, the Bravo network was founded and producers immediately got to work on making over everything in sight, starting of course with their offices, which had wallpaper that was a horrible shade of mauve that just had to go.
A Color Swatch of Bravo’s Office Wallpaper
Nowadays if you want to make over anything all you need is a gay friend, a camera crew and Ty Pennington. Luckily for us, we managed to wrangle all three of those things together yesterday, and now Trendliest has a whole new look. We hope you enjoy our makeover…we think it’s a most friendly and trendy site for formerly sore eyes.
Greetings Tune Trend-ficionados! Do you want to hear a little story, but are deathly afraid of risking life, limb and the potential of pesky papercuts from the inevitable page turning that accompanies getting to the nexus of most novellas? First of all, don’t even think of listening to those books on tape. There’s nothing exciting about listening to the guy who played Q on “Star Trek: The Next Generation” reading Ivanhoe. Wouldn’t you rather hear a story that simply rocked? Well that’s the idea behind “Concept Albums,” the hottest friendly trend in music that combines two of our favorite things, storytelling and rock and roll. Most of the time they even include our third favorite thing, futuristic robots.
The First Concept Album
The history of the “Concept Album” is a storied one beginning in the early 1960’s when Brian Wilson penned the first one ever for the Beach Boys entitled Surfin’ Safari. The album told a story about group of young lads who go on a surfing trip only to have it ruined by futuristic alien robots who steal their girls and take them for a ride in their “409” while the boys are left at the beach to go “Surfin'” and wonder if they’ll see the girls later at the “County Fair.” The album was met with extreme critical praise, but the fans just didn’t get it– and thus The Beach Boys never broke through into the mainstream.
A Futuristic Robot Cavorts With A Beach Boy‘s Girlfriend
It would take almost another fifteen years before another band had the courage to take their crack at the concept album. That band was Rush and that album was 2112. The combined efforts of Neil Peart on Drums, Geddy Lee on Bass/Vocals, and Alex Lifeson on the guitar– crafted a sublime tale of a Canada run by an evil Robotic overlord who was surprisingly unfuturistic for the times, hell bent on declaring all out war on Greenland on New Year’s Eve 2111. This album blew away the critics and was embraced by fans sweeping both the Grammy Awards and Juno Awards from 1976 to 1978.
Rush: Masters of The Concept Album
After Rush’s masterpiece “Concept Albums” were seen as a lost art. One artist even made an entire career out of failed concept albums. Pop star Chris Gaines released 15 albums as his country alter ego Garth Brooks, yet never achieved any measure of critical acclaim comparable to 2112. He even tried releasing one last ditch attempt under his own name entitled Chris Gaines Is A Futuristic Robot that combined simple pop/country with electronica, but to no avail. Many groups have since failed at making concept albums. Radiohead’s 1997 effort OK Computer, which told the story of the world being set back to 1900 because of the Y2K bug was seen as laughable and completely unrealistic, but still retains a cult following today.
Garth Brooks: Chris Gaines’ Unsuccessful Alter Ego
The most recent semi-successful attempt at a concept album was Michael Jackson’s Thriller: 25th Anniversary Edition, which is a tale about a talented African-American who decides he wants to be a talented, mostly bizarre caucasian; yet twenty five years later he comes back around and decides to be African-American again only to find out that the only way he can do so is to become a futuristic robot
Yes, trendlies and trendtleman, it’s a rare occasion that an artist makes a successful concept album, so we suggest you jump on this friendly trend right away, because like concept albums themselves, it may only last for an hour or two.
Hey couch Trend-thletes, Do you spend the majority of your day touching your testicles, occasionally brushing your nose and brim of your hat while you watch baseball? If you do, odds are you’re looking for a way to parlay those particular talents into at least a summer job. While we here at Trendliest have certainly felt your unemployed pain, we don’t like to see you sitting around dilly-dallying in misery. Instead we went out and found you a trendly job option that puts your skill set to good use and leaves you firmly entrenched on an upwardly mobile career path…or should we maybe say base path. Your “search” for employment is over! You’re qualified for the trendliest job in sports- First Base Coach.
The First Base coach occupation actually evolved from that of a sexual education teacher. Abner Doubleday, a decorated General who is said to have invented the game of Baseball, was known as a bit of a Casanova in his time spent at Fort Sumter. He spent a great deal of the downtime showing his fellow soldiers how to “french kiss” or as he referred to it, “getting to first base” and was thence given the title “First Base Coach” for that very reason.
Abner Doubleday: Master of First Base and Entendre
It’s a little known fact that in the first game of baseball ever played, batsmen were not “safe at first” until they convinced the player covering the bag to engage in a heated make-out session before being tagged with the ball. Likewise, a player was not safe at second until he felt the second basemen over the shirt, which may have had something to do with the game resulting in a scoreless tie.
Most First Base Coaches today start off as actual baseball players who have less than fruitful major or minor league careers. As a result of their lack of prestige as players, these former players are not in high demand for careers as broadcasters or head managerial positions. Fortunately, organizations throw them a bone and allow them to stand by first base and pretend that they’re giving valuable advice to players who have the talent to place the ball in a strategic spot within the field of play. This allows them to feel close to the game and that they’re providing a indispensable service to the team by keeping their players at ease while on the basepath.
A First Base Coach Hard At Work
Additionally, while a batter is at the plate. the First Base Coach gets to do all of the crotch tugging and brim stroking he wants under the guise that he’s “giving signs.” In actuality, that’s the third base coach’s job. The First Base Coach is a living, breathing, spitting, ear-tugging diversion.
Despite, the reliance on former athletes to fill the role of First Base coach, owners and general managers alike have taken to hiring people with little to no experience for the position, so long as they have an outgoing personality, a basic understanding of the game or a season of little league under their belt. Did we mention that First base coaches can make upwards of around $450,000 a year? Now that’s a salary you could live on for doing a job that demands virtually no effort and transforms your need repeatedly adjust your junk in public into a socially acceptable practice. Now that’s what we call trendly!
Why hello there residents of Trend York City. Does your 40-hour-a-week job as an architect and second job selling hot roasted nuts barely net you enough money to keep that roof over your head and your tummy full of top ramen? Perhaps your current place of residence doesn’t allow for the suitable quality of life that usually comes commensurate with your salary. Maybe you’re looking for a cheaper locale in which you can get your career moving, settle down with a wife and 4.3 children, or just be a hip urban youngster enjoying the prime of your youth.
Well, if one of those three things sounds like what you’re after….then we’ve got just the place for you to realize your American Dream. We here at Trendliest reckon you should be headed for a place where your money will go miles further than most other urban areas… a place like Selma, Alabama.
Welcome To Selma, Alabama!
Not only is this southern city located on the muddy banks of the Mississippi, a historical landmark, but the “Butterfly Capital of the World” is practically begging to be gentrified….by you! If you’ve been living in a bubble…or Selma, Alabama and have no idea what gentrification is, it’s the process whereby young socially tolerant, upwardly-mobile (not Mobile, Alabama) white people take up residence in urban areas occupied largely by minorities and force that area’s minorities out by opening watering holes with indie-rock jukeboxes so that other young, hip, white people might feel comfortable should they decide to move to said town.
Yes there’ll plenty to do in Selma, Alabama once you’ve moved there and opened a record store or co-founded a blog about being a big city transplant in the deep south that will be read by a wide variety of northeastern hipsters who enjoy laughing at the differences they have with people less fortunate than them. This will naturally lead to a lucrative book deal and a film franchise starring the enchanting Reese Witherspoon.
Prius Fast! Prius Fast! Thank God Almighty, I Drive My Prius Fast!
While acclimating yourself to your new southern surroundings you should also have the opportunity to fight off advances from the local Ku Klux Klan chapter who will no doubt try to initiate you into their organization or even re-enact Martin Luther King Jr.’s historic March on Selma by driving your Prius back and forth in between there and Montgomery.
If all of that activity is not your speed, you can just stay home and sit on the porch enjoying that beautiful southern scenery while ironically listening to “Sweet Home Alabama” on your iPod whilst wearing a confederate flag t-shirt. Now if movin’ your hide down to Selma, Alabama don’t sound trendly to you, maybe we’re just whistlin’ dixie.
Hey trend-thusiasts, do you know what’s important to you? More importantly, do you know in what order those things are important to you? If you said no, or you’re still not sure perhaps you should attempt to use the trendliest way of ranking things – making a list.
Behold, The Original Copy of Ten Things You Shouldn’t Do!
Ever since Moses led the Jews out of Egypt on the heels of making a list of “The Ten Things that Would Totally Suck if they Befell the Egyptians for not Letting My People Go” (more recently known as “The Ten Plagues” thanks to that movie with Charlton Heston) making lists has been totally trendly. While Moses was the original list-maker he was soon trumped by the man upstairs who made a list of “Ten Things People Shouldn’t Do” (more recently known as “The Ten Commandments” thanks to that movie with Charlton Heston). This list was so rife with important items such as #1: Thou Shalt Not Kill and #11: Don’t Eat Shellfish that they became
so much engrained into the collective conscious of mankind that today they are referred to as “common sense” thanks to the handy pamphlet by Thomas”Charlton” Paine.
Bea Arthur #2 On The Hottest 100 of 1976…Can you guess who was #1?
(Hint: It rhymes with Harrah Hawcett)
Lists have gone through a complete evolution since the days of yore and while most people ignore that formerly trendly “common sense” list, the advent of post-its and magazines has given new life to the process of making lists. Lists not only help by numerically telling people what to do and how to do said things, but they also serve to help by telling people the order of betterness or importance where most things in the world stand. Without lists we’d never be able to know who the “Hottest 100 Women” in the world are in any given year or who the “Best College Football Team” is on a week-by-week basis. Why without lists most people would resemble a lost puppy shopping for groceries in the woods.
Ol’ St. Nick: The Most Scrupulous Listmaker of Them All
Perhaps the most successful utilizer of the eternal list craze is Santa Claus, who makes two lists each year, one consisting of those who are naughty and one consisting of those who are less naughty. Not only does he bother to make this list, but he checks it twice just to be sure it’s
accurate, which is more than can be said for those who compile Spin Magazine’s annual “Top 40 Albums of the Year” list.
Hello my In-trend-ior decorators. Do you wake up in the middle of the night reaching for a glass of water or that book you want to read only to find it resting on your carpet below your bed? Are you looking for the perfect bedroom accessory to complement your cushy queen-sized? If these two terrible problems are a plague on your house, perhaps you should invest in the fanciest furniture find that trendsetters everywhere are investing in…nightstands.
Nightstands were originally invented by pimps as a a place for their prostitutes and gigolos to keep their condoms as they repeatedly engaged in one night stands…which is where the term “Nightstand” actually comes from. With the sexual revolution raging out of control in the 1970’s and with key parties being all the rage, nightstands moved out of brothels and into the bedrooms of promiscuous couples as a way of telling their more kinky friends that they were down for anything. As a result these “nightstands” were always them stocked with condoms, multiple copies of “I’m Okay, You’re Okay” and an autographed picture of Larry from Three’s Company.
“You Can Knock On My Door Or Reach For My Nightstand Anyday”
However, with Reagan’s election in the 1980’s sexual repression hit a new high and people began reading in bed rather than utilizing it’s springs. It was all reading glasses and Robert Ludlum novels for the next 15 years or so.
Today sexual morés have relaxed once again and as long as you don’t have a ice pick in the draw of your night stand most people would be glad to take a spin on your tempur-pedic as long as you’ve got the right stuff inside your one night stand…making them totally trendly yet again.,
Hello trendliest fans. Do you love reading but hate all of the distraction created by the radioactive glow of the Internet and the overall length of books? Is The Da Vinci Code too complex for a delicate mind such as your own that would rather be indulging in important matters such as finding out which sexy starlet prefers dating normal guys and what the best ways are to tell if your man is cheating? Maybe you’d even like to read lists alerting you to all the up and coming travel destinations, Strokes albums or STD’s that are going to be cool in the coming year? Well, if all of this sounds appealing to you, maybe we can interest you in the friendliest literary trend to hit the shelves since road maps….the magazine.
Silas Marner by George Eliot killed more people than The Scabies Epidemic
Magazines have been around ever since the 1880’s when most human beings were illiterate. To most of the illiterati, reading a lengthy book such as Watership Down, The Joy of Sex, or Silas Marner was equated with death, because it took so long to sound the words out. Most people only read one book in their lifetime. The publishing industry swiftly responded by releasing Life Magazine which mostly consisted of pretty pictures of nature and people dying while not reading. This remedied the death sentence which was the practice of reading anything by Steinbeck.
It took a long time for the magazine industry to flourish as there was much disease and strife on the industrialized landscape. The only interest most people had was “life” since it was so precious and fleeting, they didn’t have time to focus on their “House & Garden” or even “Juggs”. For a brief spell in the 1940’s “War” and “Japanese Internment Monthly” were a big hit on the periodical front with a great deal of Americans, but “Life” was still the most popular focus of the widespread masses.
Some Magazines Have No Target Audience
With Post-WWII prosperity, the magazine industry really took off. People finally had the money to focus on other interests like themselves, model trains, fields, streams, and mercenary work. Nowadays, with scores of technological advances the choices of hobbies and the magazines that reflect them are infinite. Why there are nearly 70 magazines about staying “In Touch” with what our favorite “Entertainment” stars are up to “weekly” and nearly as many that serve the sole purpose of allowing teen girls to relay embarrassing stories of getting their period. So what are your interests? No matter what you’re into, whether you like Lizards or Country Rock there’s probably a magazine you can pick up to read all about it in short bursts, because reading a book about those would most certainly take up way too much time. And as we all know…we need that time to live, because life will always be trendly, provided there are plenty of pictures.
Hey trendbusters, if there’s something trendy in your neighborhood, who you gonna call? Trendliest obviously. Today’s hot trend in the paranormal world is so Trendly it’s spooky. Ever since Sam and Molly Wheat demolished a perfectly good potential vase in favor of sex,
seeing Ghosts has been all the rage. We saw it four times in theaters and even own the dvd.
Ain’t Afraid of No Ghosts
However, these supernatural beings aren’t just making their trendliness known on your TV and in multiplexes existing in a time warp; they’re everywhere…under your bed, on top of the sofa,
sleeping with your girlfriend, and even in your closet next to all of those skeletons and that tub of vaseline. Super talented Indie Rock duo, The Indigo Girls were so totally in love with ghosts, they wrote a song about it. Though it’s not as good as Ray Parker Jr.’s classic tune about those who “bust ghosts.”
Brought Ghosts and Tantric Sex To Forefront of Pop Culture
So why are these apparitions scaring up so much hype? Well, we think it dates back to that Police album Ghost In The Machine, which had that awesome song “Demolition Man.” Rumor has it Sting played a killer bass line and had tantric sex throughout the entire recording of that song.
How The Dead Enjoy Eternity
Other trend experts think ghosts are the hop paranormal piece de resistance, because most people are overly sentimental and like to hold onto their false hope that their dead relatives still have some of influence on their lives. Little do they know their dead relatives actually just
like to haunt people they don’t know for the hell of it just because they can. Since most of them discovered that heaven doesn’t exist they have no better way to kill eternity and simultaneously get their kicks…and really what’s more trendly than getting your kicks at the expense of others.