The Trendliest

A Friendly Guide To The Latest Trends

Take Three

Greetings toilers of the trendletariat. Are you tired of the traditional grind of the five day work week, spending all of that time on the assembly line or reading Gawker at your desk just waiting for the clock to strike 5pm on Friday? Well, what if we told you those days are soon to be a thing of the past because of the latest friendly trend and occupational craze the three-day weekend.

Preparations for Pagan Festival of Human Flesh

The three day weekend has a long and storied tradition beginning with the Pilgrims of the Plymouth Colony who once took Thursday through Saturday off to have a great big feast known as “Thanksgiving” with the local Native American tribe so that they might fatten them up for their eventual slaughter and ingestion at the Pagan “Festival of Human Flesh.”  While the latter festival is long forgotten, we still celebrate Thanksgiving every year by taking a long weekend so that both the Dallas Cowboys and Detroit Lions can play football.

The Original Three-Day Weekend Warriors

Cowboys and Lions: The Original Three-Day Weekend Warriors

According to a survey done at the Work Institute of America (W.I.A) based on thirty one hours of research or conversations at the watercooler and over Instant Messager at their very own office; most employees only do nine hours of actual work per week. They also found that no matter how many days the work week consisted of, the nine hours of work per week remained constant and that the majority of work days are spent either killing time leading up to lunch, killing time getting ready to go home, reading the newspaper in the bathroom or looking for a new job where they make more money but work less of the time.

In an effort to curb the latter, employees have begun removing Friday or Monday as part of the work schedule in order to eliminate annoying discussions about hump day in the elevator and to a lesser extent increase productivity on other days of the week.

Data Gathering In Action

W.I.A: Data Gathering In Action

The study itself was prompted by an actual four day weekend over Thanksgiving in 2002 when employees at Bear Stearns on Wall Street, despite only working Monday through Wednesday the previous week, had no extra work to do when they returned the following Monday, yet marveled at all of the extra time they had to take a quick trip to Vegas, get shitfaced, gamble, and go to strip clubs or as some of them called it “spending time with their family”. And really what’s more friendly and trendy than spending time with the people you love…doing the things you love.

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August 28, 2008 Posted by | Holiday, Leisure, Methods, Religion, Sports, Travel | , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

You Can’t Spell Funettickly Without Fun or Tickly

Double, Double, Toil and Trouble Witches of Trendwick! Are you experiencing difficulty casting spells because the words on the page don’t look like the words you’re trying to say? Well, language can be a very tricky thing, and while you may know exactly what you’re trying to say, sometimes spelling it out can be a hassle. That is until now, because the latest friendly and trendy movement in language is to spell things phonetically.

That’s right, it’s time to throw all of those spelling rules you learned in grade school out the door and replace them with the spelling roolz yu lurnd in greyd skool. Thanks to a growing moovment mor and mor inglish speekurs are replaysing the tradishonal spellings of wurdz with onez that look more like the wurdz they’re trying 2 say, compleetly ignoring the fact that most wurdz are mayd up of rootz that help peepul figger out what thoze wurdz meen.

Aaron Spelling: TV Catfight and Phonetic Spelling Pioneer

The funetticks moovment was startid by late teevee honcho Aaron Spelling, who was frekwintly jokingly asked by his frendz too spell thingz for them. Fed up by peepul allwayz assooming he was as good as a dikshunnairy becaws of his last naym, Spelling began duhmanding scriptz for his hit shows yoos ownlee funetticks. This methud beecaym such a big hit with his yung acturz, many of hoom were unedjucated and didint know the diffrents anyway. When shows like “Dynasty” and “Beverly Hills 90210” cawt on with yooth awdiences, menny of the yung stars wood go 2 skools and preech abowt the valyoo of litterassy. Offen times menny of the mutteerials they yoosed too suppliment theyr tawk contaynd heeps of miss spellingz, but sinz Linda Evans, Ian Ziering and Gabrielle Carteris wurr more famous than Merriam-Webster’s Dictionary in most hy skools, the kidz gravuhtaydid towurdz the noo spellingz and thus spelling funettickly cawt on.

A Nu Generayshun of Funettick Spellurz

A Nu Generayshun of Funettick Spellurz

When 90210 went off the air in 2000 there were not many young stars touring the high school circuit teaching the value of a good education. With English teachers back at the helm, the importance of word origins and roots re-emerged, turning the National Spelling Bee into a premiere sporting event on par with the Super Bowl. They even made a documentary on it. However, with the announcement of the spinoff show touting Spelling’s fayvuhrit zip coad, spelling funettickly is wuntz more in vowg with tha kidz…and when the kidz are down with sumthing, it makes it mor frendly and trendy than ever.

August 26, 2008 Posted by | Celebrities, Entertainment, Language, Television | , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Get Some Air

Are you looking to rock and roll all nite and be trendly every day?  Well, there’s no better way to show your dedication to making sweet music than taking up a brand new instrument for the sole purpose of making the opposite sex swoon.  We know getting a brand new Oboe or Xylophone can set you back a few hundred bucks, but don’t fret, because you don’t need frets to pay homage to your heavy metal brethren and set your crush’s heart aflutter.  Dishing out dollars for a 16-string bass or even a lethal Les Paul is so last millenium.  After all if the music is in you, you don’t need an instrument at all, because the trendliest way to show that you’ve got what it takes to make people come down with a case of the hippy-hippy shakes is to dazzle them  with a dose of the instrument you play best…no…not your genitalia…we’re talking about Air Guitar!

For centuries people have been playing air instruments.  Why, when Jesus first met his first Angel and heard their sweet sounds of her harp, you best believe he started strumming and plucking the ether (not his genitalia).  But It wasn’t until the America’s Revolutionary War that air instrumentation truly started being en vogue.  It was during this major confrontation that many a soldier began to play “air snare” as the bands that led the Colonists into battle against the British were almost always the first to be slaughtered due to their lack of firearm, and so soldiers had to create the illusion of drumming as they headed into battle with their equally air instrument-reliant enemy.

The Fate of Many a Revolutionary War Drummer

Now that war has been all-but eradicated (or at least war bands have save for the actual band “War”) the vast public has needed a new motivation for air instrumentation.  Luckily for people, in the past three hundred years, sex was invented…and nothing gets the ladies and gents more revved up for sex than seeing just how dexterous their potential partner can be as he or she rocks out to Boston’s 1976 Self-titled album showing that if they actually were holding a guitar, or their genitalia, they might possibly know the chord progression to “Smokin’.”  Who knows maybe a mastery of all that faux-guitar heroism will earn them the title of World Champion Air Guitarist.  Suck on that Slash.

August 19, 2008 Posted by | Music, Sexuality, Social Trends | , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Quit The Rat Race

Times are tough. It seems like you can’t fashion a welfare check into a crude paper airplane and throw it without it poking an unemployed person in the eye. With the jobless rate nearing an all-time high and an economy that’s in the dumps, we here at the Trendliest think the best course of action regarding the running of “the rat race” is to simply quit it. That’s right, rather than scanning the want ads for a job in the service industry or as a backup quarterback-that you have no desire to fulfill- the friendly and trendy thing to do is announce your retirement!

Moses Gives An Impassioned Retirement Speech to A Throng of Shocked Followers

Retirement has been an alien concept for the majority of civilization. In ancient times, most professional careers ended at the onset of a public stoning, enslavement by invading parties or leprosy. The first influential retiree was none other than Moses, who upon leading the Jews out of Egypt; parting the Red Sea for them; and giving them The Ten Commandments at Mount Sinai, decided that he’d already done his relatively thankless job to the best of his abilities, and that there was nothing left to accomplish as God’s instrument. He happily handed his hebrew leading reins over to Aaron who took them the most of the rest of the way to the promised land.

Brett Favre Gives an Impassioned Retirement Speech To Frenzied Fan Base

The story of Moses’ retirement still carries some weight today as it was the inspiration for Brett Favre’s decision in March of ’08 to retire as the star quarterback of the Green Bay Packers, whom some have dubbed “the Hebrews of the NFL.” Favre had led the Packers out of the unholy land of mediocrity (although they occasionally returned to visit) having done his job to the best of his abilities while surpassing all of Moses’ passing records. His retirement effectively handed the reins of the team to Aaron Rodgers and allowed Favre the opportunity to fade quietly into the past whilst perched happily atop the NFL’s version of Mt. Sinai (a sure induction into the Hall of Fame).

Aaron 2008!

As trendly as quitting the rat race can be, if you find your AARP membership benefits to be unrewarding, you always have the option of asking for your old job back provided you had a job in the first place. While there’s no guarantee that your employers haven’t moved on to the new hotshot CEO or Janitor, the odds are if you act disgruntled enough they’ll “trade” you to another job where you’ll be unjustifiably hailed as that company’s new savior despite the fact that you were totally overrated at your old company and you’re getting up there in years. Hey, sometimes it’s just nice to be wanted…and there’s nothing trendlier than tricking people into thinking you’re worth the trouble.

August 7, 2008 Posted by | Celebrities, Entertainment, Sports | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Come Here Often?

Hey Trendly ladies and gentlemen. We don’t think we’ve seen you here before. Do you come here often? Oh, you’re a regular Trendliest reader. Oh, then odds are we won’t have to convince you to come home with us, but if you were new to this site we’d lay on the charm via the use of the trendliest method of seduction, The Pick-Up line.

The pick-up line originated in the mid 1970’s when two Americans, in preparation for a night out at the Montreal clubs, flipped through a French-English dictionary to figure out how to ask French Canadians if they want to have sex. They came up with “Do you want to go to bed with me?” or “Voulez-vous coucher avec moi?

Unfortunately the two men in question were extremely ugly and ended up being turned down by every woman they met that evening…including two or three prostitutes who when later asked said they preferred the honest approach of a simple hello. Luckily, for the two men in question they turned their sexual woes into the smash hit “Lady Marmalade” and even though no women ever believed them when they tried to impress them with their songwriting credits, they ended up very rich…and alone.

Preferred A Simple Hello

The pick-up line has since evolved into an increasingly awkward yet charming art with literally thousands of permutations on the original formula. Most of these enticing inquiries are only successful when the person doing the wooing is dressed in a ridiculous outfit and has had his or her tips professionally frosted.

The following is a list of some of the more popular pick up lines that are sure to help you achieve the friendly and trendy goal of getting the object of your affection to notice you because you’ll be talking to them.

1. Yo bitch…Can I holla?

2. I can see your pants in that mirror…I’m in that mirror. I think both me and your pants are in that mirror.

3. You’re pretty like Stevie Nicks.

Stevie Nicks…The Current Gold Standard of Beauty

4. I’m Enrique Iglesias.

5. Shall I phone you or nudge you?

6. When we get out of jail…I’m going to love you forever…if we get out of jail.

7. I lease a ’95 Chrysler Sebring.

’95 Sebring- The Crown Jewel of Chrysler

8. When you stepped out of heaven did they have to kill someone to make an angel to replace you…because I think killing is morally reprehensible.

9. When in Rome or wherever it is we are, do me.

10. Twenty dollars for one song!

Hopefully, these lines can be of some assistance in curing your lovelorn state, but you’ll never know unless you get out there and put them to the test. The proof is in the trendly pudding.

August 5, 2008 Posted by | Celebrities, Methods, Romance, Social Trends | , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment