Greetings toilers of the trendletariat. Are you tired of the traditional grind of the five day work week, spending all of that time on the assembly line or reading Gawker at your desk just waiting for the clock to strike 5pm on Friday? Well, what if we told you those days are soon to be a thing of the past because of the latest friendly trend and occupational craze the three-day weekend.
The three day weekend has a long and storied tradition beginning with the Pilgrims of the Plymouth Colony who once took Thursday through Saturday off to have a great big feast known as “Thanksgiving” with the local Native American tribe so that they might fatten them up for their eventual slaughter and ingestion at the Pagan “Festival of Human Flesh.” While the latter festival is long forgotten, we still celebrate Thanksgiving every year by taking a long weekend so that both the Dallas Cowboys and Detroit Lions can play football.
According to a survey done at the Work Institute of America (W.I.A) based on thirty one hours of research or conversations at the watercooler and over Instant Messager at their very own office; most employees only do nine hours of actual work per week. They also found that no matter how many days the work week consisted of, the nine hours of work per week remained constant and that the majority of work days are spent either killing time leading up to lunch, killing time getting ready to go home, reading the newspaper in the bathroom or looking for a new job where they make more money but work less of the time.
In an effort to curb the latter, employees have begun removing Friday or Monday as part of the work schedule in order to eliminate annoying discussions about hump day in the elevator and to a lesser extent increase productivity on other days of the week.
The study itself was prompted by an actual four day weekend over Thanksgiving in 2002 when employees at Bear Stearns on Wall Street, despite only working Monday through Wednesday the previous week, had no extra work to do when they returned the following Monday, yet marveled at all of the extra time they had to take a quick trip to Vegas, get shitfaced, gamble, and go to strip clubs or as some of them called it “spending time with their family”. And really what’s more friendly and trendy than spending time with the people you love…doing the things you love.
Double, Double, Toil and Trouble Witches of Trendwick! Are you experiencing difficulty casting spells because the words on the page don’t look like the words you’re trying to say? Well, language can be a very tricky thing, and while you may know exactly what you’re trying to say, sometimes spelling it out can be a hassle. That is until now, because the latest friendly and trendy movement in language is to spell things phonetically.
That’s right, it’s time to throw all of those spelling rules you learned in grade school out the door and replace them with the spelling roolz yu lurnd in greyd skool. Thanks to a growing moovment mor and mor inglish speekurs are replaysing the tradishonal spellings of wurdz with onez that look more like the wurdz they’re trying 2 say, compleetly ignoring the fact that most wurdz are mayd up of rootz that help peepul figger out what thoze wurdz meen.
The funetticks moovment was startid by late teevee honcho Aaron Spelling, who was frekwintly jokingly asked by his frendz too spell thingz for them. Fed up by peepul allwayz assooming he was as good as a dikshunnairy becaws of his last naym, Spelling began duhmanding scriptz for his hit shows yoos ownlee funetticks. This methud beecaym such a big hit with his yung acturz, many of hoom were unedjucated and didint know the diffrents anyway. When shows like “Dynasty” and “Beverly Hills 90210” cawt on with yooth awdiences, menny of the yung stars wood go 2 skools and preech abowt the valyoo of litterassy. Offen times menny of the mutteerials they yoosed too suppliment theyr tawk contaynd heeps of miss spellingz, but sinz Linda Evans, Ian Ziering and Gabrielle Carteris wurr more famous than Merriam-Webster’s Dictionary in most hy skools, the kidz gravuhtaydid towurdz the noo spellingz and thus spelling funettickly cawt on.
When 90210 went off the air in 2000 there were not many young stars touring the high school circuit teaching the value of a good education. With English teachers back at the helm, the importance of word origins and roots re-emerged, turning the National Spelling Bee into a premiere sporting event on par with the Super Bowl. They even made a documentary on it. However, with the announcement of the spinoff show touting Spelling’s fayvuhrit zip coad, spelling funettickly is wuntz more in vowg with tha kidz…and when the kidz are down with sumthing, it makes it mor frendly and trendy than ever.
Times are tough. It seems like you can’t fashion a welfare check into a crude paper airplane and throw it without it poking an unemployed person in the eye. With the jobless rate nearing an all-time high and an economy that’s in the dumps, we here at the Trendliest think the best course of action regarding the running of “the rat race” is to simply quit it. That’s right, rather than scanning the want ads for a job in the service industry or as a backup quarterback-that you have no desire to fulfill- the friendly and trendy thing to do is announce your retirement!
Moses Gives An Impassioned Retirement Speech to A Throng of Shocked Followers
Retirement has been an alien concept for the majority of civilization. In ancient times, most professional careers ended at the onset of a public stoning, enslavement by invading parties or leprosy. The first influential retiree was none other than Moses, who upon leading the Jews out of Egypt; parting the Red Sea for them; and giving them The Ten Commandments at Mount Sinai, decided that he’d already done his relatively thankless job to the best of his abilities, and that there was nothing left to accomplish as God’s instrument. He happily handed his hebrew leading reins over to Aaron who took them the most of the rest of the way to the promised land.
Brett Favre Gives an Impassioned Retirement Speech To Frenzied Fan Base
The story of Moses’ retirement still carries some weight today as it was the inspiration for Brett Favre’s decision in March of ’08 to retire as the star quarterback of the Green Bay Packers, whom some have dubbed “the Hebrews of the NFL.” Favre had led the Packers out of the unholy land of mediocrity (although they occasionally returned to visit) having done his job to the best of his abilities while surpassing all of Moses’ passing records. His retirement effectively handed the reins of the team to Aaron Rodgers and allowed Favre the opportunity to fade quietly into the past whilst perched happily atop the NFL’s version of Mt. Sinai (a sure induction into the Hall of Fame).
As trendly as quitting the rat race can be, if you find your AARP membership benefits to be unrewarding, you always have the option of asking for your old job back provided you had a job in the first place. While there’s no guarantee that your employers haven’t moved on to the new hotshot CEO or Janitor, the odds are if you act disgruntled enough they’ll “trade” you to another job where you’ll be unjustifiably hailed as that company’s new savior despite the fact that you were totally overrated at your old company and you’re getting up there in years. Hey, sometimes it’s just nice to be wanted…and there’s nothing trendlier than tricking people into thinking you’re worth the trouble.