Learn By Osmosis!
Are you thinking of enrolling in university so that you can finally get that degree in Earth Science or TV repair you’ve always wanted? Well put down that paper and pencil because at the Richard Dean Anderson Trendliest School of Higher Educational Learning, we’ll prepare you for a career in whatever it is you’ve always dreamed of doing without the bureaucratic hassle or benefit of one of those expensive certified academic institutions. Sure you could waste years and thousands of dollars going to “school”, but we know you’d rather the quick and easy approach (that’s what she said). If you’ve got the need, the need for speed learning, the only friendly and trendy method is Osmosis.
While in actuality Osmosis is defined as “the diffusion of fluids through membranes or porous partitions” it has been adapted to refer to not just water, but to all fields of knowledge apparent in one’s surroundings being effortlessly absorbed through the pores of the human brain solely based on proximity. The very first being to put this method of immediate education to good use was the philosopher cat Garfield, who not only learned all of the school subjects in one fell swoop, but learned a secret recipe for lasagna by simply placing his paw on John Arbuckle’s dinner one evening.
Osmosis has also been used as a handy marketing tool by people who no doubt had once brushed their hand on a marketing textbook. In 1995, an Epic Records product manager insisted Ozzy Osbourne title his latest album Ozzmosis. The effect was astonishing as over three million metalheads flocked to stores to buy the album in the hopes that by owning it they would learn how to play guitar as well as if not better than frequent Ozzy collaborator Zakk Wylde. A similar strategy was employed for the 2001 film Osmosis Jones which ultimately failed because everyone who fell for it the first time was too busy taking guitar lessons the day the movie was in theaters.
Now after laying dormant for seven years or so, the Republican Party has once again jumped on the bandwagon for the method of learning that Garfield so brazenly introduced. Prior to announcing the Vice Presidential nomination of Alaska Governor Sarah Palin, the Grand ‘Ol Party made the potential first right-hand lady spend just under two years in a house where she could see Russia out the window so that she might gather all of the foreign policy know how she would ever need. As an added bonus, she listened to John Denver albums on a loop and learned how to be folksy. Well, all that osmosis has certainly paid off and Sarah Palin is poised for a historic visit to the White House. Maybe if she ever goes into the Lincoln bedroom and touches his portrait she’ll learn a little something about good presidentin’ too. Wouldn’t that be something?
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