Hello my trendly friendlies. Do you have something to talk about, but don’t want to wait til Bonnie Raitt shows up to discuss it? Whether you’ve got a crisis a brewin’ or just some tasty new decaf mocha java, you’re going to need that special place in your casa to discuss it. While some people will happily settle for the den or that creepy garbage room in your apartment complex where it’s rumored the super disposes of the bodies of past tenants for their all important conversations, the latest friendly trend in home decor is to designate a certain space as your “Situation Room.”
The original situation room was created by Presidential hottie JFK in 1962 after the failed Bay of Pigs invasion. Unfortunately most Americans were too busy building bomb shelters, a.k.a Subterranean Life Sustaining Rooms, (SLSRs) to concentrate on making their above ground homes all the more fabulous and failed altogether to capitalize on this trend.
In the year 2002, the Panic Room named after the David Fincher film of the same name, became a short-lived trend in home design. Most families, however, never had occasion to protect Jodie Foster from determined thieves and thus quickly dismantled their secure havens.
Then, on one shiny summer evening in 2005 CNN debuted their program The Situation Room…and slowly but surely “Situation Rooms” have been popping up in homes all over the world ever since. The majority of these rooms come equipped with a minimum of six chairs and a huge touch-screen map that comes in handy for training your kids for impending punditry or just planning that long-awaited family vacation. And if you chip in a few extra bucks we’re sure your interior decorator just might include an animatronic Wolf Blitzer. Being prepared for any sitch and having a robot celebrity in your home, what’s more friendly and trendy than that?
Greetings Trendly competitors. With the fall upon us there’s undoubtedly the hint of a chill in the air, and with no Winter Olympics to wrest the attention away from the impending Presidential election this season it’s been quite difficult to get our competitive juices flowing. While the race for the White House is enthralling, it doesn’t get our blood a boiling like curling or that winter biathlon with shooting and cross country skiing. Despite the lack of skin tight clad East Germans luge-ing for gold, there is a new polar pastime that is teetering on the edge of trendliness. That new friendly, trendy, and ultimately shivery sport is none other than snow machine racing.
Thanks to Alaska Governor Sarah Palin’s Vice Presidential Candidacy Snow Machine Racing has taken center stage in the wide world of wintry athletics. Her husband Todd, a.k.a The First Dude of Alaska, has earned celebrated world champion status in a variety of cold weather contests. Not only has he won the annual Tesoro Iron Dog Snowmobile Race an impressive four times since 1993, but he’s also won the coveted Snow Machine Triathlon 7 times. The event in which competitors travel 600 miles on their snowmobiles, use a snowblower to clear off a fifty foot-long driveway that’s been blocked in by the local snow plow and then make sno-cones for an entire class of sixth graders is set to be added as a demonstration sport for the 2010 Vancouver Winter Olympics.
While the Alaskan first dude is the early favorite for the gold, two years should be plenty of time for you to practice your Snow Machine skills so that you might have a chance to beat him. If you want to get in some quality training time, you should most definitely enter the White House 500 Charity Race to benefit the flagging economy, slated for sometime in February should the McCain-Palin ticket win. Not only will you be able to circle the White House five-hundred times in your snowmobile, but afterwards you get to share a six-pack with the VP, while raising money for a good cause. Now that’s what we call trendly.
Hello trendly investors. Are you down in the dumps both literally and figuratively due to the recent stock market woes. Well, stop scrounging around for meal scraps, it’s time you got out of the gutter and lifted yourself up by your bootstraps. Because you’re going to have to be on your feet in order to catch the gravy train for our next friendly career trend, being a hobo. Ladies and gentlemen fill up your bindles, slip a harmonica into your back pocket and dip your face in the mud, because you’re about to do some hard travellin’… by boxcar.
Thanks to the subprime mortgage crisis and the dow’s inevitable drop to zero come christmas time, another great depression is imminent. So with that in mind, we here at the Trendliest see no better recourse than to get a head start on reliving those glory days when you could buy a prostitute and a meal for a nickel but couldn’t find the nickel to get you that elusive meal and prostitute.
Back in the Depression everyone from average Joes to Hollywood stars such as Rutger Hauer were hopping aboard freight trains sans tickets to traverse the country in search of an honest days work and two scoops of Raisin Bran. These Hobos as they were called weren’t just normal hardscrabble bums. Their lives were full of romance, intrigue, and music. As toothless vagrants, they wandered the countryside taking advantage of the robber baron railroad pioneers lack of caboose security, all the while maintaining a sense of optimism at the expense of oral hygiene. The hobos weren’t normal homeless that simply begged from the comfort of their cardboard boxes in the comfort of their big cities. They got to visit all types of interesting places like Tulsa, Muskogee, and Cedar Rapids while begging for food. The hobo was a doer thus a suitable model for those soon to be unemployed rascals rarin’ to find their next pay check, whether they earn it from shovelin’ manure or serving as the assistant of a big entertainment movie writer like Richard Corliss of Time magazine.
Yes, if you hop on the trend of being a hobo, soon enough you’ll be able to relate even better to your great parents because you’ll be living just like they did in the olden days. Who knows, maybe one day you’ll even stumble on that “Big Rock Candy Mountain.” Hopefully the rock they are talking about is cocaine…and you can sell it so you don’t have to be a hobo anymore.
Hey fellow believers in Trendlyism, Have you been good this year? Probably not. If you’re a God-fearing human being odds are your clothes and skin are washed in nothing but Tide and sin. Have no fear (unless it’s a rational fear of God or death) Trendliest is here to tell you how to wipe the sin off the surface of your being and achieve the friendly, trendy state of equilibrium between naughty and nice that can only be attained through atonement.
Despite popular belief, atonement is more than just an Oscar-nominated film starring that transgression-free vixen Keira Knightley. If you’re wondering how the esteemed Brit beauty rid herself of all wrongdoing, the answer is simple. The star of such films as “The Jacket”, and “Domino” frequently engages in the most effective slate-cleansing practice, known as fasting. Other famous fasters include Gandhi and pre-pregnancy Nicole Richie.
Fasting, put simply, is the act of not eating in the hopes that the lord will think you’re a good person because you’ve chosen to deprive yourself of such a simple pleasure in order to fool him/her. Depending on your religion, fasting only works in the riddance of iniquity on several instances throughout the year. If you just so happen to be of the Jewish faith not eating from sundown to sundown on Yom Kippur or “The Day of Atonement” erases all wrongdoing that you’ve engaged in over the past year. So whether you eat meat and dairy together on a Friday or molest children on Wednesday, as long as you don’t eat on this one day you can feel good about yourself again and start anew on this year’s docket of depravity, knowing full well all you have to do is make it to the next “Day of Atonement.”
Some celebrities rife with sin attempt other methods of achieving atonement. Don Henley originally wrote the song “Heart of The Matter” from his 1989 album The End of The Innocence in an attempt to garner favor with his lord and savior during lent. The vocals were peppered with mentions of “atonement”, but Henley’s record label didn’t think the lyrics were catchy enough and replaced that word with the more populous term “forgiveness”. Needless to say, Henley wasn’t forgiven, he rejoined The Eagles and subsequently caused hell to freeze over.
Even though writing a song about atonement seems like a relatively painless way to get off scot-free, not everyone possesses the means to do so. That’s why it’ll always be friendly and trendy to fast in order to achieve the ultimate level of atonement. Your deity will thank you…and so will your guilty conscience.
Greetings potential parentals. If you’ve got a baby on the way but are a little worried that it’s not your nature to nurture, maybe you should stop asking yourself the question, “how do I take care of my baby?” and start asking, “How can my baby take care of me?” Put down that volume of Dr. Spock and make sure your new son or daughter is ready to rock with the latest friendly trend of turning your kids into cash!
Now we here at the Trendliest aren’t condoning selling your newborns onto the black market (just yet). We’re merely suggesting that you start preparing your child for a successful career early on so they can literally and figuratively stop sucking at your teat before they ever start while chipping in a little towards your monthly rent or mortgage payment that their birth has helped make more difficult to pay.
First off, the road to success starts in the womb and certainly is paved with both placenta and gold. While your child is developing, don’t underestimate the importance of music. Play as much meaningless pop as you can so when your child finally pops out he or she will be influenced by the songs of relatively young idols like Britney Spears and Avril Lavigne, appearing at an early age to want to follow their career path. Once your child is old enough to hum or sing, invoke the Lynne Spears Method of Parenting as laid out in her book, Through The Storm: A Real Story of Fame and Family in a Tabloid World.
The most important part of this method is never saying no to your child. If you’ve done your job correctly so far, your son/daughter will want to be a singer. Cater to all their performance whims and make sure to constantly encourage them in their performance field. Be sure to purchase a big stereo with a karaoke feature and a top of the line microphone so that they might practice at home for all of their big auditions, it’ll pay for itself. Tell your child they have the most beautiful voice in the world and that they should take singing and dancing lessons and go on auditions so mommy and daddy won’t be poor no more.
As for education, School is a formality when you’re getting your degree in Showbiz. No matter how unready your child may be, ignoring education will put a fast track to success and a slightly slower track to the mental ward or rehab, but the latter two results are just minor obstacles to maintaining a fabulous career.
If you’ve not succeeded in Ms. Spears method your child might want to be an NFL Place kicker, a fireman or Chief of Police, in which case you should probably start practicing kickoffs, taking your child to the firehouse to practice drills, or just having a gun in the house to hone those respective skills. After all catering to your childs first whim and encouraging them to be whatever they want to be as long as it has the potential to earn you cash is the trendliest way to parent.