Hey Trendly Friendlies. Are you absolutely sick of 2008? Let’s face it, the only good things to come out of this past year were world domination at the hands of the Chinese, the end of racism, that movie Step Up 2: The Streets and everything on this website. Sure hearing that Britney is back was kinda good, but George Lucas and Steven Spielberg will ruin her sooner or later. Besides, who wants to settle for liking something with the word “kinda” in it anyway?
In efforts to make sure that 2009 is much friendlier and trendier, we here at Trendliest are taking a trendspotting trip around the world, to find out all that’s hop, hot, and next in the worlds of fashion, passion, and small plastic containers. When we return we’ll be all set to unleash an entire quart-sized tupperware container full of whoop-ass to knock your trendly socks off of your feet that are totally wearing last year’s LeBron James sneaker.
So brace yourselves, because in three weeks the trendliness of The Trendliest returns and you’ll be powerless to stop it unless you have a riot policeman’s shield. In the meantime, we wish you a Merry Christmas and a Trendly New Year.
Greetings troopers of the 82nd Trendliest Infantry division! General Trendkopf here demanding you put down those pistols, beat your swords into plowshares and replace those revolvers with roses. All of those sophisticated modes of weaponry are decidedly out of date. The friendly, trendy new way to get your battle on and your point across is not to gear up with guns, but to unlace your loafers and let ’em fly.
Ever since the events of this past week, when Iraqi journalist Muntadhar al-Zeidi attempted the first Presidential shoe-sassination, military defense contractors at Halliburton have been hard at work with the economically-minded pump producers at Payless, developing the ultimate surface-to-groin missile that will surely put the United States ahead in the foot race.
The United States isn’t the only national superpower anxious to dub itself a Shoe-per power. China and India are right up there with over a billion pairs of shoes each aimed in the general direction of almost every country in the world. The United States’ standing as a world leader is secure though, thanks in large part to a fleet female fighting force each brandishing on average up to 14 pairs of the trendly new weapon in a variety of different styles and colors that are designed to compliment a variety of different regulation fatigues and battle situations.
The fact that President Bush avoided being struck by both of al-Zeidi’s size 10’s is a big reason for World War III not breaking out. Also, the Italian economy has seen quite a boost from the event as the world’s governments have sought out the finest in Italian leather footwear from likes of Salvatore Ferragamo and Prada to equip their armies.
While the World may not yet be embroiled in a melee of moccasins, the irate Iraqi has inspired a few “Shoe d’etats” in 3rd world countries like Sri Lanka and The Island of Cuervo Nation. The new method of warfare has also prompted constitutional enthusiast Ron Paul to lobby for a change in the 2nd amendment to include the right to bear dock-siders.
The dramatic shift in tensions has created a new world order that foreign relations experts predict could result in increased violence. On the upside, the death toll is likely to reduce 85%, but there might still be a lot of black and blue marks and scuffed up wing tips. We’ll take that over a high death toll any day. So the next time you want to take your guns to town, take a look down and realize that you’re armed to the feet and let the friendly, trendy battle begin.
Hey Trendly tidy freaks. Does the thought of rough two-ply TP send your butt cheeks into a fearful frenzy? Are you anal about keeping your a-hole as immaculate as Jesus’ conception? If you regularly put cleanliness next to godliness, then we here at Trendliest recommend you get on board with our new personal hygiene lord and savior, the bidet.
The bidet is certainly not a new wrinkle in the removal of the unsightly from our undersides. In fact, the bidet dates all the way back to 17th Century France when King Louis XIV held court at Versailles. The word bidet, however, did not apply to a special kind of plumbing fixture that squirted water to clean one’s bum and undercarriage, rather it referred to Laurent Bidet, a man who squirted water like a fountain from his mouth to clean the king’s bum and undercarriage after bouts of explosive diarrhea or in the event toilet leaf was not present, which was most of the time.
While Laurent Bidet took great pride in being the first man to repeatedly restore the King’s cleanliness and therefore his godliness, there were certain drawbacks to being the King’s personal rear end wiper; most notably was the splashback. Bidet eventually went insane and told Louis, “he could shove it up his ass,” in french. As a result, he was beheaded before the court and The King took his advice to heart using Bidet’s head as his own toilet towel until he contracted some rather nasty ailments.
Determined not to relive his father’s embarrassment, Francois Bidet developed the first modern era Bidet that with the turn of a faucet blasted warm water directly to the King’s anus, thus giving him a feeling of heavenly euphoria. Young Bidet was rewarded in riches and became the Louis XIV right hand man because he himself was a lefty.
Not so remarkably, the Bidet is still a much sought after device, as it allows those on the toilet to eschew the use of paper to beautify their bottom. It is estimated that each bidet saves about 250,000 trees a year, making it a truly one of the first green gadgets. So not only does the bidet put pleasure in proclaiming your cleanliness, but as it helps save the planet it puts a little godliness in your hands at the turn of a faucet or a blast in your behind. Now that’s what we call a friendly trend.
Attention Trendly shoppers! There’s only 22 shopping days left until Christmas. That’s 525 hours you can spend watching TV in preparation for three hours of high-octane, full-contact shopping. After all, we wouldn’t want you to miss those marathons of “Law And Order: Missing Puppy Unit” and “House M.D.” you’ve been so eagerly awaiting. So with such little time left to tackle the task of finding that special something for those special someones, what’s a friendly, trendy person such as yourself to do?
Well, you could buy heaps of magazines and read their ‘Top 10 Things You Can’t Afford But Should Buy Your Loved One Anyway” lists, though that could certainly put a hurting on your cash flow, which is a big no-no when you consider how en vogue it is to be a cheapskate this season. So to help stay more in touch with the times, we here at Trendliest have come up with our own friendly, trendy list of the hottest gifts of the giving season.
So without any further ado, The Trendliest 2008 Holiday Gift Guide:
FOR THE KIDS
Matches– Prometheus was an adult when he discovered fire, allow your children the magic of this scorcher of a present before they know how to handle it responsibly. Who said growing up fast isn’t trendly?
Tickle Me Chucky– Everyone else will be making a mad dash for Tickle Me Elmo. Differentiate yourself by getting that little tyke a Tickle Me Chucky. Your child tickles…Chucky stabs. It’s a win-win situation or potentially painful lesson.
Snickers– It satisfies you. If your kids aren’t satisfied with that, well then they’re just ungrateful.
Horror Make Up Kit– Every time you scar them emotionally, they’ll be able to show it physically.
Leopard Print Underwear– Because Every man secretly wants his penis to move with cat-like agility.
The Diff’rent Strokes DVD Collection– What you talkin’ bout Santa?
The Peanut Butter Machine– Next time you catch him getting Peanut Butter licked off his genitalia by the dog, you can take comfort in knowing that at least it’s homemade and not that store bought processed Peter Pan junk.
Leopard Print Underwear-Because every woman secretly wants her breasts to move with cat-like agility.
Ankle Jewelry– All women like ankle jewelry. Why not give her something that no one gets to see most of the time and tells you when she’s drunk? It’ll be your little secret.
“He’s Just Not That Into You” by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo– Tell her how much you care. She’ll laugh about this later.
FOR THE ELDERLY
Complaint Box and Forms– Old people are very vocal and love to complain, but yelling about things makes them tired. The Complaint Box allows them to voice as many opinions as they want without using their actual voice. And you can get around to dealing with them whenever.
Binoculars– They’re going to need them to watch over you when they’re in heaven.
Well there you have it deal-getters and trendsetters, Trendliest’s list of must-haves this holiday season. What are you waiting for? Get out there and keep that economy afloat…or if you have to wait until Dr. House figures out what’s wrong with his current patient and improbably saves her life at the last possible second, then by all means take your time. Just remember, Christmas is December 25th and Hannukah is…well who knows when that is? Remember it’s always better to buy trendly than to leave with a cart that’s empty. Happy sales to you…and try not to run over anyone.