Howdy, friendly trendy blue collar folk. Are you too busy working your fingers to the bone and putting food on your table for your family to keep up with the Kardashians? Well, don’t let Khloe, Kim, Kara, Karl, Kami, Karter, Kevlar, and Brody do all of the partying. Drop the hero act and get with zero pack. After all, the family that does nothing productive for society is the family that gets the most endorsement money. Are we right or are we right? (We know we’re right.) While you’re working the assembly line those “talented” kids are busy working the Conga line and still making much more loot than you ever will…unless you take advantage of a little friendly trend we’d like to call Unemployment.
Unemployment is the sole reason all of the children of famous people have more than enough free time to partake in glamorous events like making their own sex tapes, dancing with the stars, walking the Grammy Red Carpet and filming a reality show for E! Think about it, if you didn’t have that pesky job, you could be skiing the Swiss Alps (until your money ran out assuming you decided not to pay your rent), writing a blog like this, or spending the entirety of your day doling out your previously hard earned cash at the local strip club away from they watchful eye of your wife and kids, but delightfully close to a beautiful woman named Sapphire.
There’s never been a better time to reap the benefits of Funemployment™ as corporations around the world are eager to get all their once employees a chance to live the life of the rich and famous, in essence saying, “Hey Brody! Get out of here. Go out and have a blast,” by terminating the jobs of their workers. And with unemployment levels at their highest rate since the early 1990’s, millions upon millions of former workers are experiencing the good life that comes with standing on that unemployment line in the hopes that it will eventually be lined with paparazzi clamoring to take fabulous photos of the “less is more” fortunate.
The best part of Funemployment! is the pay. While it’s true you’d probably get substantially less than you originally made when you still had a job, you never had the time to enjoy all that cash you were making anyway. Raking in less coin just means you’ll value the things you spend every last precious penny on provided it has nothing to do with providing for your family. Seriously, there’s nothing friendly and trendy about free time, if you’ve gotta worry about serious issues like bills and rent. That’s why we call it Funemployment!
Witnesses for the trend-secution, do you SWEAR to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth so help you blog? You do? Good, now place your hand on a copy of the Bible, Torah, Koran, Bhagavad Gita, or The Secret and say that all again because with all the swearing you’re going to be doing it’s going to be necessary to carry the Holy Book of your choice at all times seeing as Swearing is the hottest and friendliest trend currently sweeping the nation.
The verb “to swear” has had a short and rather glorious history. It was derived from the surname of Charles F. Swayer, a teacher in 19th Century Britain. Swayer was not a very good teacher due to the fact that he was not well-versed in virtually anything factual. Often times whilst giving a lesson his students would mumble the word “bollocks” under their collective breath and sometimes out loud. This incensed the educator and he demanded that whenever a student uttered such heinous word they pay a one shilling penalty by placing a coin on a designated plate on his desk. This “Swayer plate” was a huge failure due to the fact that when one student would come up to place a shilling on the plate, they’d inevitably take another one back.
It was for this sole reason that Swayer was moved to invent the “jar”. By having his students put their coins in a round, covered receptacle with a slit for change on top, his class could less obviously reimburse themselves with the shillings of others. Not only did this invention revolutionize the teaching field, but went on to influence parenting as adults everywhere caught on to the Swayer Jar. However, when the practice crossed the Atlantic and was adapted by Americans soon after, the name somehow was turned into the Swear Jar and the actual word that was once just a surname was perverted to mean multiple things, ranging from a promise to an expletive.
While the act of swearing has been long frowned upon by jar-wielding parents across the nation, ever since Barack Obama was sworn in as America’s 44th President, it’s more or less become an epidemic. Everyone including Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, dock workers in Detroit, Christian Bale on the set of Terminator 4, engaged couples in Des Moines, expert witnesses in double murder trials, and Dane Cook have been uttering a variety of magical words including “I do”, “I will”, and seven words we can’t say on this blog even though we’re not exactly policed by the FCC. Whether we can say them or not, doesn’t make them any less trendly. We promise.