Greetings sexy techies! Do you prefer pushing the touchpad on your swanky new iPhone to that special someone’s love button? Do your erogenous zones differ depending on what area code you’re in? Is your cell always on vibrate? If you answered “yes,” that means you’re already hip to the hottest trend in getting it on…and that’s getting it on with every sweet young thing in your mobile network via Sexting.
There’s no more romantic way of telling the object of your affection that “u want 2 b with them 2nyt” than by sneaking a photo of your genitalia in the middle of math class on the same device your mom uses to tell you to come home for chicken and Stove Top. Why keep that air of sensual mystery and intrigue when you can just as easily give up the goods? After all, if her kiss is on your list, there’s no reason your shaft shouldn’t be on her cellular. Worst case scenario, your entire junior high will be well aware of your physical inadequacy in the nether region. Best case scenario, the clinically-insane-but-hot, young teacher will see the pic and ask you to stay after class to father her children.
The sexy text message is not necessarily a new invention, though it used to be virtually impossible to show your significant other visual evidence of just how close to cutting glass hardness your nipples were?
That being said, the practice of almost immediately titillating your long distance darling with a few simple seductive sentences is as old as that communicative dinosaur known as Morse code. While it’s well-known that Samuel Morse‘s first telegraphic message was “What hath god wrought!” His follow up message was a simple “A/S/L?” followed by “what are you wearing?”
Years later it wasn’t uncommon for wives of Civil War soldiers to receive telegrams via Western Union like the one below:
Thinking of your rear while on the front.
Taking my pants off.
Say hello to the children. Long live the Union!
Lt. Sinclair Percy Levingston
Needless to say, Western Union workers were frequently seen blushing.
While Al Gore’s Internet helped bring technology sex into the 20th century by first allowing sexual predators to converse with minors and send them photos of their genitalia at the same time, desktop computers with dialup modems were highly immobile and relied too much on the inconvenient and often snail-like process of uploading photos for the sharing of nOOdz.
The advent of both the camera phone and smart phone has cut out the middleman, ultimately making the practice of showing off your sprouting mammary glands as easy as saying cheese. You’d certainly be hard-pressed to find something more friendly and trendy than adding push-button convenience and mobility to your illicit encounters. Until we do, Sexting will remain at the top of the technical, sexual heap.
Do you constantly have the urge do paint your skin blue and have sex with the earth and its creatures while wearing 3D glasses? Were you disappointed on your last trip to the book store when you found out Rosetta Stone doesn’t make a Na’vi edition? Do you refer to your social skills as “Unobtainium”? Nevermind calling your psychotherapist to see what’s plaguing you, we here at your friendly guide to the latest trends, have the diagnosis and it’s got nothing to do with murder. You seem to have come down with decidedly trendly affliction known as Post-Avatar Depression.
You’re not alone film fanatics. Well, okay, you’re mostly alone. Rest assured there are several others like you; those moved to the point of obsession by a cliched plot, breathtaking CGI animation and glow-in-the-dark horses with eight legs instead of four. Ever since James Cameron opened the Pandora’s box that is his multi-billion dollar grossing opus Avatar, impressionable people with nothing better to do have envisioned themselves as inhabitants of a fictional planet rich in natural beauty and ten foot-tall blue people with superior physical skills to someone who just spent three hours gorging themselves on butter-slathered popcorn.
These human specimens who possess the rare ability to care entirely too much about an alien environment while not necessarily exhibiting any sense of urgency about their own, have taken to wallowing in the mire over the fact that they will never be able find themselves in the utopia that exists mostly in the mind of the guy who directed Piranha Part Two: The Spawning. Still, they’ve grown hostile to their fellow members of the human race who would sooner destroy natural resources than wait in line to meet Zoe Saldana at the next Comicon just to have that awkward moment when they tell her, “I see you.”
While the reality is all too disheartening, most wanNa’vis have found ways of coping with this hip film-based mental illness. For some it’s as simple as listening to Leona Lewis’s Celine Dion-esque “I See You” theme on a loop, while others have been forced to give into the realization that Avatar is just Ferngully mixed with Dances With Wolves, and still a few brave souls have pressed on living in their thin blue skin eagerly awaiting the sequel. Because, really what’s more friendly and trendy than not admitting you have a problem in the first place.