Worshippers at the altar of Trendlyism, do you believe?!?! I said, DO YOU BELIEVE? If you believe that some benevolent force from up on high has been providing you with a steady stream of life’s little miracles that are both friendly and trendy, I want you to give me an AMEN!!!
Now this trendly lord has spoken to me and he’s told me to take your hands, brothers and sisters. And he’s told me that he wants you to put that hand right up against your face, my spiritual brethren. The lord has told me if you put that hand against your face as he requested and he told me that if that hand is bigger than your face, then you may be suffering from the latest friendly trend that is brain damage!
Fear not trendly brothers and sisters, whether or not you have or have not had a nearby friend smash that hand in your face just yet, you do not ail in vain. The lord has pointed us to a new study…a new study that has linked spirituality to decreased cranial capabilities. So while you may be a little slower on the uptake than most, you’re that much closer to the friendly, trendy man upstairs.
Even after stepping down from our pulpit for a hot minute, it’s plain to see that people all around the nation have been so eager to catch onto this trend since word of the study got out that they’ve willingly subjected themselves to harsh forms of head trauma just to feel closer to the heavens above. While it’s been hell on their better judgement, millions of folks have reasoned that inflicting a painful brand of godliness upon oneself has allowed them to skip the usual pitfalls of piousness such as charity and goodwill. Getting in bike accidents whilst not wearing a helmet, taking repeated blows from blunt instruments, or even watching full episodes of Glenn Beck has become commonplace for those failing to derive any sort of gratification from their personal surroundings and relationships with others.
The need to adhere to a strict dogma has driven thousands of people to revel in their newly inflicted spiritual status at places of worship, hospitals, and tea parties in the name of all that is holy. Luckily, many of those who have inflicted the friendly trend of brain damage upon themselves will soon be able to seek treatment for their conditions thanks to the new healthcare bill which many of them had so religiously opposed. And even if treatment can’t save them from the prospect of life long brain damage, they’ll be blessed with so much spiritual belief that they’ve already been saved, that it really won’t matter. And to that we say, “Hallelujah!”
As you may recall, our last trendly tip had something to do with slithery domestic darlings, known as Pet Snakes. Well, we’re not the only ones to pick up on the friendly trend of this loveable household danger that doubles as a scaly necklace. Our friends at the Onion have since had something to say about the appeal of keeping a 20-foot python in the presence of your other bundles of joy. Take a peak at some Trendliness in action:
Greetings trend petters and prospective owners of slithery things. Do you have the desire to woo the fairer sex with a not-so-domesticated animal, but are afraid that the ladies will think that fearsome, untrained Pit Bull you rescued from a fighting ring is entirely too adorable? Are you suffering from a harsh case of diminutive genitalia that purchasing a used Nissan Z won’t cure? Do you think most creatures in the wilderness are highly adaptable to both urban and suburban jungles ? Well, if you’re looking for a figurative cure all for your pet and pecker woes, look no further than latest friendly, trendy and ultimately scaly version of man’s best friend, the pet snake.
Yes, owning a pet snake certainly goes a long way towards making the socially and sexually inept seem a whole lot more interesting. Your three-inch one-eyed trouser snake may make you less of a man, but taking your eight-foot long python out in public on a Friday night to purposely attract attention to yourself will surely make the ladies swoon without resulting in an arrest for indecent exposure. Dogs may be able to fetch and cats are aces at laziness and manipulation, but neither of them can aid you in auto-erotic asphyxiation quite like Constricty the Boa Constrictor can.
Snakes aren’t just for insecure males compensating for loose-fitting underwear. Well-proportioned ladies can also use a serpent’s company to appear like that slutty forbidden fruit in the Garden of Eden during a rock video appearance or VMA performance. Nothing says, “look but don’t touch” or “I’m a man eating-whore that will swallow you whole,” like an actual animal that will in all probability swallow you whole if you forget to feed it.
Pet snakes also prove practical in the disposal of pesky house pests like mice, rats, or dead bodies. Paying an exterminator or using those inhumane glue traps is a thing of the past, just leave your slithery suite mate out and about for a few days and your infestation issue is a thing of the past, as is your visiting mother-in-law. Sure your cat could’ve taken care of those rats and mice, but your pet snake ate your cat too…and really what’s more friendly and trendy than being higher up on the food chain.
Greetings citizens of the United States of Trendmerica! How bout those Olympics? Did you enjoy seeing Bode Miller and Lindsey Vonn glide down slopes to victory on tape delay? Did watching Apolo Anton Ohno take out two South Korean skaters to capture bronze give you a good old fashion heart attack of patriotism. Was there a tear streaming down your cheek each time you saw the red, white and blue perched high above that first place podium as the instrumental version of the National Anthem blared proudly above an athlete birthed in the lower 48? Well, you’re not alone. From February 12-28th of 2010 there was no better form of escapism from your lack of employment or health care than taking two and a half weeks to engage in the latest friendly trend known as blind nationalism.
Yes, ladies and trend-tleman while other nations may have stronger economies and a better education system, we Americans took comfort knowing that some guy from Illinois executed a triple lutz better than a guy that comes from a country your children can’t locate on a map; not for any personal glory, but just so people from his own nation would be proud of him.
What’s a triple lutz anyway? Who cares? We Americans can do anything we set our minds to unless it involves Ski Jumping or Curling. USA! USA!
While the Olympics is marketed as the ultimate coming together of nations for or a place for international athletes to totally get it on; the folks at home use it as a rallying point to show their superiority even if they live in a country that limits the rights of their minorities by placing bans on the types of clothing they wear, religious symbols they can erect or simply is responsible for giving the world Nickelback. What better way to lose focus on issues that plague ones nation than to pretend they don’t exist for two and a half weeks because someone can move really fast when there is ice beneath them.
Unfortunately, this friendly trend of completely warranted pride in one’s homeland comes with an expiration date. After the week or so of Olympic medalist talk show appearances, sports fans and people who enjoy seeing the distribution of precious metals to others beneath their flag, have to wait another few years before really feeling good about where they are living or where they were born.
But you know what they say, everything old is new again, and fortunately for our trend-lympians, we know the exact date that blind nationalism will be friendly and trendy yet again. Here’s looking at you London 2012.