Dain Bramage Is Next To Godliness
Worshippers at the altar of Trendlyism, do you believe?!?! I said, DO YOU BELIEVE? If you believe that some benevolent force from up on high has been providing you with a steady stream of life’s little miracles that are both friendly and trendy, I want you to give me an AMEN!!!
Now this trendly lord has spoken to me and he’s told me to take your hands, brothers and sisters. And he’s told me that he wants you to put that hand right up against your face, my spiritual brethren. The lord has told me if you put that hand against your face as he requested and he told me that if that hand is bigger than your face, then you may be suffering from the latest friendly trend that is brain damage!
Fear not trendly brothers and sisters, whether or not you have or have not had a nearby friend smash that hand in your face just yet, you do not ail in vain. The lord has pointed us to a new study…a new study that has linked spirituality to decreased cranial capabilities. So while you may be a little slower on the uptake than most, you’re that much closer to the friendly, trendy man upstairs.
Even after stepping down from our pulpit for a hot minute, it’s plain to see that people all around the nation have been so eager to catch onto this trend since word of the study got out that they’ve willingly subjected themselves to harsh forms of head trauma just to feel closer to the heavens above. While it’s been hell on their better judgement, millions of folks have reasoned that inflicting a painful brand of godliness upon oneself has allowed them to skip the usual pitfalls of piousness such as charity and goodwill. Getting in bike accidents whilst not wearing a helmet, taking repeated blows from blunt instruments, or even watching full episodes of Glenn Beck has become commonplace for those failing to derive any sort of gratification from their personal surroundings and relationships with others.
The need to adhere to a strict dogma has driven thousands of people to revel in their newly inflicted spiritual status at places of worship, hospitals, and tea parties in the name of all that is holy. Luckily, many of those who have inflicted the friendly trend of brain damage upon themselves will soon be able to seek treatment for their conditions thanks to the new healthcare bill which many of them had so religiously opposed. And even if treatment can’t save them from the prospect of life long brain damage, they’ll be blessed with so much spiritual belief that they’ve already been saved, that it really won’t matter. And to that we say, “Hallelujah!”