Howdy, friendly trendy blue collar folk. Are you too busy working your fingers to the bone and putting food on your table for your family to keep up with the Kardashians? Well, don’t let Khloe, Kim, Kara, Karl, Kami, Karter, Kevlar, and Brody do all of the partying. Drop the hero act and get with zero pack. After all, the family that does nothing productive for society is the family that gets the most endorsement money. Are we right or are we right? (We know we’re right.) While you’re working the assembly line those “talented” kids are busy working the Conga line and still making much more loot than you ever will…unless you take advantage of a little friendly trend we’d like to call Unemployment.
Unemployment is the sole reason all of the children of famous people have more than enough free time to partake in glamorous events like making their own sex tapes, dancing with the stars, walking the Grammy Red Carpet and filming a reality show for E! Think about it, if you didn’t have that pesky job, you could be skiing the Swiss Alps (until your money ran out assuming you decided not to pay your rent), writing a blog like this, or spending the entirety of your day doling out your previously hard earned cash at the local strip club away from they watchful eye of your wife and kids, but delightfully close to a beautiful woman named Sapphire.
There’s never been a better time to reap the benefits of Funemployment™ as corporations around the world are eager to get all their once employees a chance to live the life of the rich and famous, in essence saying, “Hey Brody! Get out of here. Go out and have a blast,” by terminating the jobs of their workers. And with unemployment levels at their highest rate since the early 1990’s, millions upon millions of former workers are experiencing the good life that comes with standing on that unemployment line in the hopes that it will eventually be lined with paparazzi clamoring to take fabulous photos of the “less is more” fortunate.
The best part of Funemployment! is the pay. While it’s true you’d probably get substantially less than you originally made when you still had a job, you never had the time to enjoy all that cash you were making anyway. Raking in less coin just means you’ll value the things you spend every last precious penny on provided it has nothing to do with providing for your family. Seriously, there’s nothing friendly and trendy about free time, if you’ve gotta worry about serious issues like bills and rent. That’s why we call it Funemployment!
Hello trendly investors. Are you down in the dumps both literally and figuratively due to the recent stock market woes. Well, stop scrounging around for meal scraps, it’s time you got out of the gutter and lifted yourself up by your bootstraps. Because you’re going to have to be on your feet in order to catch the gravy train for our next friendly career trend, being a hobo. Ladies and gentlemen fill up your bindles, slip a harmonica into your back pocket and dip your face in the mud, because you’re about to do some hard travellin’… by boxcar.
Thanks to the subprime mortgage crisis and the dow’s inevitable drop to zero come christmas time, another great depression is imminent. So with that in mind, we here at the Trendliest see no better recourse than to get a head start on reliving those glory days when you could buy a prostitute and a meal for a nickel but couldn’t find the nickel to get you that elusive meal and prostitute.
Back in the Depression everyone from average Joes to Hollywood stars such as Rutger Hauer were hopping aboard freight trains sans tickets to traverse the country in search of an honest days work and two scoops of Raisin Bran. These Hobos as they were called weren’t just normal hardscrabble bums. Their lives were full of romance, intrigue, and music. As toothless vagrants, they wandered the countryside taking advantage of the robber baron railroad pioneers lack of caboose security, all the while maintaining a sense of optimism at the expense of oral hygiene. The hobos weren’t normal homeless that simply begged from the comfort of their cardboard boxes in the comfort of their big cities. They got to visit all types of interesting places like Tulsa, Muskogee, and Cedar Rapids while begging for food. The hobo was a doer thus a suitable model for those soon to be unemployed rascals rarin’ to find their next pay check, whether they earn it from shovelin’ manure or serving as the assistant of a big entertainment movie writer like Richard Corliss of Time magazine.
Yes, if you hop on the trend of being a hobo, soon enough you’ll be able to relate even better to your great parents because you’ll be living just like they did in the olden days. Who knows, maybe one day you’ll even stumble on that “Big Rock Candy Mountain.” Hopefully the rock they are talking about is cocaine…and you can sell it so you don’t have to be a hobo anymore.
Greetings potential parentals. If you’ve got a baby on the way but are a little worried that it’s not your nature to nurture, maybe you should stop asking yourself the question, “how do I take care of my baby?” and start asking, “How can my baby take care of me?” Put down that volume of Dr. Spock and make sure your new son or daughter is ready to rock with the latest friendly trend of turning your kids into cash!
Now we here at the Trendliest aren’t condoning selling your newborns onto the black market (just yet). We’re merely suggesting that you start preparing your child for a successful career early on so they can literally and figuratively stop sucking at your teat before they ever start while chipping in a little towards your monthly rent or mortgage payment that their birth has helped make more difficult to pay.
First off, the road to success starts in the womb and certainly is paved with both placenta and gold. While your child is developing, don’t underestimate the importance of music. Play as much meaningless pop as you can so when your child finally pops out he or she will be influenced by the songs of relatively young idols like Britney Spears and Avril Lavigne, appearing at an early age to want to follow their career path. Once your child is old enough to hum or sing, invoke the Lynne Spears Method of Parenting as laid out in her book, Through The Storm: A Real Story of Fame and Family in a Tabloid World.
The most important part of this method is never saying no to your child. If you’ve done your job correctly so far, your son/daughter will want to be a singer. Cater to all their performance whims and make sure to constantly encourage them in their performance field. Be sure to purchase a big stereo with a karaoke feature and a top of the line microphone so that they might practice at home for all of their big auditions, it’ll pay for itself. Tell your child they have the most beautiful voice in the world and that they should take singing and dancing lessons and go on auditions so mommy and daddy won’t be poor no more.
As for education, School is a formality when you’re getting your degree in Showbiz. No matter how unready your child may be, ignoring education will put a fast track to success and a slightly slower track to the mental ward or rehab, but the latter two results are just minor obstacles to maintaining a fabulous career.
If you’ve not succeeded in Ms. Spears method your child might want to be an NFL Place kicker, a fireman or Chief of Police, in which case you should probably start practicing kickoffs, taking your child to the firehouse to practice drills, or just having a gun in the house to hone those respective skills. After all catering to your childs first whim and encouraging them to be whatever they want to be as long as it has the potential to earn you cash is the trendliest way to parent.
Hey you trendly little devils. Did that stint in the PHD program at your local community college not quite work out? Or perhaps your run as a pizza delivery boy was not all the movie Loverboy with Patrick Dempsey made it out to be? If you’re still looking to be all that you can be in the service industry, but haven’t yet found your niche, we here at the Trendliest have yet another friendly and trendy suggestion a fledgling careerist such as yourself can tackle with gusto. We think it’s about time you installed yourself on the trendly path to becoming a Cable Repairman.
Being a cable guy is more than just an opportunity to fulfill your sexual fantasies with bored housewives. It’s a job that allows you to “install new features in your customers unit”, “add quality components to their box”, and with cable’s new internet capabilities “upload large files from their hard drive” or gain a huge following by telling groundbreakingly stupid jokes about your white trash lifestyle. In a world that is increasingly reliant on cable television for entertainment, the Cable Repair Person is a god amongst service industry professionals, so much so that they are free to make their own suggested hours and make clients cater to their “I’ll get there when I get there” sense of duty all the while maintaining the freedom to take plentiful lunch breaks and employ liberal use of their time to run errands in the midst of what appears to be a busy schedule.
If This Van’s A Rockin’
Perhaps the crown jewel of the cable repair job is the Cable Repair van that when pimped out properly can resemble a seductive love den complete with a “If this van’s a rockin’ don’t come a knockin'” bumper sticker. It should be duly noted though that this “love den” should be kept out of site of eight to ten year old demon children curious about cable “hookups”,but more interested in the entrapment of unwitting repair technicians into career and perhaps life-ending molestation charges, which is decidedly unfriendly and untrendy. As long as you steer clear of that one obstacle you should be able to sustain this fruitful and trendly career path to the tops of the repair ranks. Who knows, you may even get to star in a movie about your life, just like famous cable repairmen Jim Carrey and Larry The Cable Guy. What are you waiting for? Git ‘r’ done!
Hey Trendlophiliacs! We know you’re probably oozing trendliness from your arteries and veins with little hope of it ever clotting, but that’s probably a good thing. Everyone on your block probably knows how trendly you are by now so when you talk, they’ll listen. That’s sure to come in handy with our next trendly career, being a film critic.
Sergei Eisenstein: An Early Target for Film Criticism and Monkey Feces
The earliest form of film criticism came courtesy of Pogo The Monkey when he attended a screening of Eisenstein’s Battleship Potemkin back in 1925. After watching the film journalists asked Pogo what he thought of the film and Pogo raised three out of his ten fingers and then proceeded to fling his feces in the director’s general direction. Everyone took this to mean Pogo was none too impressed by Eisenstein’s pioneering use of montage. The monkey confirmed his feelings about the film by stating “my cousin Zippy could do a better job directing a snuff flick.” Pogo’s caustic sensationalism was quickly rewarded by the Chicago Daily Courier, who rewarded the chimp with his very own film and entertainment column. His ten finger rating system quickly became the norm for all film criticism and often his quotes were taken out of context and used on film posters. The most famous of these incidents was on the poster for The Wizard of Oz which read, “The Wizard of Oz Is A Landmark Piece…” when the actual line from the monkey’s review said “The Wizard of Oz Is A Landmark Piece of Crap.” As a critic Pogo became so famous that a comic book called “The Critic” was written about him. That comic book was later turned into an animated TV show starring Jon Lovitz, which was widely panned and had an abbreviated run on FOX.
Jay Sherman: The Human Cartoon Manifestation of Pogo The Monkey
By the 1960’s filmgoers grew tired of the monkey’s constant negativity. Two burgeoning film critics took this as their cue, effectively harnessing man’s evolutionary progress by utilizing opposable thumbs to their advantage. Roger Ebert and Gene Siskel recognized the confusion caused by rating a film on a scale from one to ten, so they simplified it by giving movies either a “thumbs up” or “thumbs down”. Movie fans favored the ease of this kind of ratings system over Pogo’s increasingly scathing reviews. While Pogo may have died alone and penniless in the zoo never having had the fortune of seeing James Cameron’s Titanic, the practice of film criticism lives on today, thanks to his efforts.
Two Thumbs Up For Evolution!
Plenty of people who like the idea of spending all of their time in dark rooms staring at a large screens, making lists, criticizing celebrities and seeing their name in print for overstating how good the film Juno was, have taken up the cause of film criticism. People like Richard Corliss of Time Magazine and Ron Brewington of Urban Radio Network have made it their life’s work to have their names in print, lauding Tom Cruise films or imposing their opinions on a public eager to have someone tell them what’s good. Yes, If you like the idea of millions of people’s viewing habits resting whether or not you have an opinion and opposable thumbs then being a film critic (or maybe a fascist dictator) is for you.
Hello tried and true Trendliest fans. Have you recently grown a little weary of something in your life that you consider to be the least bit aesthetically undesirable? Maybe you’re still wearing a beehive hairdo (that’s so last year) or the bedroom you sleep in doesn’t look quite enough like the grandstand court at the All England Lawn Tennis Club even though it’s your dream to participate in Wimbledon. Well, we here at Trendliest think it’s time to do something nice for yourself and treat your hair and perhaps the other unsatisfactory areas of your life to the friendliest trend around- a makeover.
This Could Be Your Bedroom
Prior to the advent of television, the idea of changing something about yourself or “making it over” was an idea only associated with escaped convicts. People who got new hairstyles or attitudes were usually arrested and sent back to jail on suspicion of wrongdoing alone. All of this changed thanks to “Sonny and Cher”, who first achieved popularity as a lovable variety-show hosting singing couple, but got career makeovers when Cher morphed into a sailor-banging Academy Award-Winning drag queen and gay icon and Sonny learned how to ski.
Sonny & Cher Pre-Makeover, Post Citizen’s Arrest
One of Cher’s Many Fabulous Makeovers
Many artists followed Sonny and Cher’s example, none so successfully as Madonna who experimented with countless looks and morphed from a younger 20 something-ish dancing whore/sexual icon into an older 50-ish wrinkled dancing whore/sexual icon.
Because of Madonna and Cher’s drastic makeovers in the public eye, television executives thought that making over inanimate objects such as wardrobes, bathrooms, and straight men could be equally as appealing to audiences of popular culture. As a result, the Bravo network was founded and producers immediately got to work on making over everything in sight, starting of course with their offices, which had wallpaper that was a horrible shade of mauve that just had to go.
A Color Swatch of Bravo’s Office Wallpaper
Nowadays if you want to make over anything all you need is a gay friend, a camera crew and Ty Pennington. Luckily for us, we managed to wrangle all three of those things together yesterday, and now Trendliest has a whole new look. We hope you enjoy our makeover…we think it’s a most friendly and trendy site for formerly sore eyes.
Hey couch Trend-thletes, Do you spend the majority of your day touching your testicles, occasionally brushing your nose and brim of your hat while you watch baseball? If you do, odds are you’re looking for a way to parlay those particular talents into at least a summer job. While we here at Trendliest have certainly felt your unemployed pain, we don’t like to see you sitting around dilly-dallying in misery. Instead we went out and found you a trendly job option that puts your skill set to good use and leaves you firmly entrenched on an upwardly mobile career path…or should we maybe say base path. Your “search” for employment is over! You’re qualified for the trendliest job in sports- First Base Coach.
The First Base coach occupation actually evolved from that of a sexual education teacher. Abner Doubleday, a decorated General who is said to have invented the game of Baseball, was known as a bit of a Casanova in his time spent at Fort Sumter. He spent a great deal of the downtime showing his fellow soldiers how to “french kiss” or as he referred to it, “getting to first base” and was thence given the title “First Base Coach” for that very reason.
It’s a little known fact that in the first game of baseball ever played, batsmen were not “safe at first” until they convinced the player covering the bag to engage in a heated make-out session before being tagged with the ball. Likewise, a player was not safe at second until he felt the second basemen over the shirt, which may have had something to do with the game resulting in a scoreless tie.
Most First Base Coaches today start off as actual baseball players who have less than fruitful major or minor league careers. As a result of their lack of prestige as players, these former players are not in high demand for careers as broadcasters or head managerial positions. Fortunately, organizations throw them a bone and allow them to stand by first base and pretend that they’re giving valuable advice to players who have the talent to place the ball in a strategic spot within the field of play. This allows them to feel close to the game and that they’re providing a indispensable service to the team by keeping their players at ease while on the basepath.
Additionally, while a batter is at the plate. the First Base Coach gets to do all of the crotch tugging and brim stroking he wants under the guise that he’s “giving signs.” In actuality, that’s the third base coach’s job. The First Base Coach is a living, breathing, spitting, ear-tugging diversion.
Despite, the reliance on former athletes to fill the role of First Base coach, owners and general managers alike have taken to hiring people with little to no experience for the position, so long as they have an outgoing personality, a basic understanding of the game or a season of little league under their belt. Did we mention that First base coaches can make upwards of around $450,000 a year? Now that’s a salary you could live on for doing a job that demands virtually no effort and transforms your need repeatedly adjust your junk in public into a socially acceptable practice. Now that’s what we call trendly!