The Trendliest

A Friendly Guide To The Latest Trends

Don’t Worry, Be Sorry

Greetings sometimes followers of the latest trendly goings on.  It’s been far too long since you’ve seen our smiling faces and glowing witticisms on this here page.  If only there were some way we could make it up to you that didn’t involve monetary appropriations or sexual favors.  We’ve got it!  How about we resume our position as the standard bearers of the latest in all that is both friendly and trendy by posting something new? Sound good? No?  Well, then we guess we’re just going to have to offer you a heartfelt apology, which just so happens to be the latest friendly trend in public discourse.

Say It With Flowers, But Really Sell It With That Pathetic Look On Your Face

Plenty of people in this world are capable of committing unspeakable acts of immorality such as actively engaging in genocide, offering free health care and forgetting to tip their server.  All too often those heinous occurrences go unchecked without even the slightest acknowledgment of any wrongdoing.  Lately though those who have committed a heinous act against their fellow man have seen fit to right their wrongs by publicly proclaiming “mea culpa” for their questionable decisions that stand to jeopardize their status as the world’s foremost athlete, restaurant patron, or douchebag tattoo-sleeved guitar player of easy listening music.

Being John Mayer Means Always Having To Say You're Sorry

Whether you’ve offended people by outing your penis’s racist tendencies, not providing boundaries for your penis, or just simply not posting on your blog for a really long time; it’s important to acknowledge that the road to ruin was paved with good intentions.  Unfortunately that road is only big enough for penis-shaped cars or vehicles driven by your ego. While you were busy thinking with your genitalia, guitar, and/or wallet your well-intending actions -no matter how private- were busy hurting the feelings of millions of people you have never even met who obviously look up to you as a role model.

The only way to right this wrong is to offer an utterly sincere admission of guilt and probable sex addiction as reasons for your lapse in judgment.  After all, you could’ve spent so much time being the best you you could be if  only you weren’t so busy looking at porn or shamelessly flirting with the girl you paid to have sex with.

So how does one offer a sincere apology to those  wronged souls also known as sponsors, professional sports associations, or Twitter followers?  Well, there are several different methods sweeping the nation:

Tiger Woods: Mastered The No. 1 At Oakmont and The Art of the Press Conference

The most popular and readily available is the press conference.  The media loves a good admission of wrongdoing and what better way to do it than in real-time in front of cameras and microphones before the entire world.  Not only will it magnify the extent of whatever you’re admitting, but it also makes you seem sorrier. Whether you cheated on your wife  or your SATs and need to tell someone, there’s a good chance ESPN or TMZ will cover it, provided you schedule it during The World Series of Poker or when Britney Spears is not driving to the mall.

The second most popular form of apology is through the purchasing of gifts.  While this form of contrition won’t achieve the level of international forgiveness on the scale of a press conference; it goes to show those you have injured that your actions, while selfish, put enough money in your pocket to afford expensive chocolates or a used Mazda Miata. It also helps to stimulate the economy, which is always friendly and trendy.

Please Forgive Me!

The third most popular form of forgiveness also happens to be the least beneficial to the economy. It’s known as the simple action apology.  The simple action apology is a personal admission of wrongdoing popularly expressed via language or sexual favors and sometimes both.  It requires an audience of five or less and often occurs during an intervention or after the receipt of a credit card bill that reveals frequent trips to the strip club.

Ryan O'Neal and Ali Macgraw Never Apologized To Each Other

Ryan O'Neal and Ali Macgraw Never Apologized To Each Other

Although apologies may be the latest friendly trend, it’s important to note that one errs on the side of unpopularity when expressing such regrets to loved ones.  After all,  being in love means never having to say you’re sorry.

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February 22, 2010 Posted by | Celebrities, Gifts, Methods, Relationships, Social Trends | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Do The Vampire!

vampire

Greetings Trendsferatus! Do you have a genuine thirst for blood and opulence even though you’re not an ambulance chasing lawyer?  Do you long to suck the life out of trends until they’re pale, lacking plasma and destined to live forever? If this sounds like you, then you’re already well on your way to taking part in the latest friendly trend, being a vampire.

Seems like you can’t consume any media these days without crossing paths with these creatures of the night.  Whether you’re watching children’s television in the morning, trying to see Anna Paquin get naked on HBO in prime time or even reading an erotic teen novel before bedtime, the antics of these bloodthirsty beasts have taken over our culture with their Eastern European accents and general disdain for reflections.

Vlad The Impaler

Vlad The Impaler

Despite the current frenzy being caused by these hemoglobin-hunting horrors, the proliferation of the ‘pire is nothing new; Bram Stoker’s Dracula was the very first documented fictional vampire dating back to the 1800’s.  In actuality, his character was based on 15th Century Romanian Royal, Vlad The Impaler, who was infamous for accidentally drawing blood while fellating male houseguests. Stoker‘s publishers were so horrified by the original draft depicting his homosexual hero that they insisted the author change the main character from a princely Transylvanian with a penchant for counting to ten and a knack for mangling man-parts into a Gary Oldman-ish, saber-toothed seductor draining dames of their plasma and platelets.

Bram Stoker's Fictionalized Depiction of The Romanian Stallion

Bram Stoker's Fictionalized Depiction Of The Romanian Stallion

This printed legend of Dracula has allowed the Vampire fad to live on for centuries.  It’s biggest obstacle was presented in the 1990’s as the pop culture world became a veritable battleground for these mythical monsters.  Anne Rice was writing multiple novels about handsome bloodsuckers as vehicles for Tom Cruise, Kirsten Dunst, and Brad Pitt; while Sarah Michelle Gellar, Kristy Swanson, and Wesley Snipes combined efforts to put their kind to an end.  For a while it seemed like the slayers would put a stake through the heart of this fad with a musical episode or two, but the star power of the vampires won out.

Fought The Good Fight Against Vampire-Kind

Gellar: Fought The Good Fight Against Vampire-Kind

Won The War

Dunst, Pitt, Cruise: Won The War, Did An Interview About It

As we speak there are at least three vampire vehicles out there lurking in the night.  They move fast, they air late and before you know it, the public gets bitten and  thirsts for even more. We here at Trendliest recommend you hop on this trend quickly, because in as short a time as it takes for the next sunrise, Vampire-chic could crumble to dust. So gel up that widow’s peak, sharpen those teeth, and load some songs from The Cure onto your iPod — because being a vampire doesn’t suck, unless you want it to.

November 13, 2008 Posted by | Celebrities, Culture, Entertainment, Film, Literature, Television | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Hobo Sapiens

Hello trendly investors.  Are you down in the dumps both literally and figuratively due to the recent stock market woes.  Well, stop scrounging around for meal scraps, it’s time you got out of the gutter and lifted yourself up by your bootstraps.  Because you’re going to have to be on your feet in order to catch the gravy train for our next friendly career trend, being a hobo. Ladies and gentlemen fill up your bindles, slip a harmonica into your back pocket and dip your face in the mud, because you’re about to do some hard travellin’… by boxcar.

A Former CEO Readies For The Hobo Revolution With Bindle In Hand

Thanks to the subprime mortgage crisis and the dow’s inevitable drop to zero come christmas time, another great depression is imminent.  So with that in mind, we here at the Trendliest see no better recourse than to get a head start on reliving those glory days when you could buy a prostitute and a meal for a nickel but couldn’t find the nickel to get you that elusive meal and prostitute.

Back in the Depression everyone from average Joes to Hollywood stars such as Rutger Hauer were hopping aboard freight trains sans tickets to traverse the country in search of an honest days work and two scoops of Raisin Bran.  These Hobos as they were called weren’t just normal hardscrabble bums.  Their lives were full of romance, intrigue, and music.  As toothless vagrants, they wandered the countryside taking advantage of the robber baron railroad pioneers lack of caboose security, all the while maintaining a sense of optimism at the expense of oral hygiene.  The hobos weren’t normal homeless that simply begged from the comfort of their cardboard boxes in the comfort of their big cities. They got to visit all types of interesting places like Tulsa, Muskogee, and Cedar Rapids while begging for food.  The hobo was a doer thus a suitable model for those soon to be unemployed rascals rarin’ to find their next pay check, whether they earn it from shovelin’ manure or serving as the assistant of a big entertainment movie writer like Richard Corliss of Time magazine.

Frequent Hobo Employer

Richard Corliss: Frequent Hobo Employer

Yes, if you hop on the trend of being a hobo, soon enough you’ll be able to relate even better to your great parents because you’ll be living just like they did in the olden days.  Who knows, maybe one day you’ll even stumble on that “Big Rock Candy Mountain.”  Hopefully the rock they are talking about is cocaine…and you can sell it so you don’t have to be a hobo anymore.

October 16, 2008 Posted by | Careers, Celebrities, Economy, Money, Travel | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Rid Yourself of Sin…FAST!

Hey fellow believers in Trendlyism, Have you been good this year? Probably not. If you’re a God-fearing human being odds are your clothes and skin are washed in nothing but Tide and sin. Have no fear (unless it’s a rational fear of God or death) Trendliest is here to tell you how to wipe the sin off the surface of your being and achieve the friendly, trendy state of equilibrium between naughty and nice that can only be attained through atonement.

A Movie With Very Few Food Visuals

Atonement: A Movie With Very Few Food Visuals

Despite popular belief, atonement is more than just an Oscar-nominated film starring that transgression-free vixen Keira Knightley.  If you’re wondering how the esteemed Brit beauty rid herself of all wrongdoing, the answer is simple.  The star of such films as “The Jacket”, and “Domino” frequently engages in the most effective slate-cleansing practice, known as fasting. Other famous fasters include Gandhi and pre-pregnancy Nicole Richie.

Fasting, put simply, is the act of not eating in the hopes that the lord will think you’re a good person because you’ve chosen to deprive yourself of such a simple pleasure in order to fool him/her.  Depending on your religion, fasting only works in the riddance of iniquity on several instances throughout the year.  If you just so happen to be of the Jewish faith not eating from sundown to sundown on Yom Kippur or “The Day of Atonement” erases all wrongdoing that you’ve engaged in over the past year. So whether you eat meat and dairy together on a Friday or molest children on Wednesday, as long as you don’t eat on this one day you can feel good about yourself again and start anew on this year’s docket of depravity, knowing full well all you have to do is make it to the next “Day of Atonement.”

No Food On Your Plate...No Sins on Your Slate

No Food On Your Plate...No Sins on Your Slate

Some celebrities rife with sin attempt other methods of achieving atonement.  Don Henley originally wrote the song “Heart of The Matter” from his 1989 album The End of The Innocence in an attempt to garner favor with his lord and savior during lent.  The vocals were peppered with mentions of “atonement”, but Henley’s record label didn’t think the lyrics were catchy enough and replaced that word with the more populous term “forgiveness”.  Needless to say, Henley wasn’t forgiven, he rejoined The Eagles and subsequently caused hell to freeze over.

Never Truly Got To The Heart of The Matter, But Helped Destroy Hell

Henley: Never Truly Got To The Heart of The Matter, But Helped Destroy Hell

Even though writing a song about atonement seems like a relatively painless way to get off scot-free, not everyone possesses the means to do so.  That’s why it’ll always be friendly and trendy to fast in order to achieve the ultimate level of atonement.  Your deity will thank you…and so will your guilty conscience.

October 8, 2008 Posted by | Celebrities, Entertainment, Health, Methods, Music, Religion | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Get Your Feet Wet

Greetings to the many fish in the trendly sea! Are you looking to get your feet wet, but would like to avoid the inevitable discomfort presented by the change of trying something new? Well the latest friendly trend in footwear won’t make you feel comfortable when you walk a mile in someone’s else’s shoes, but if you don’t like swimming because you have a crippling fear of getting any type of liquid all over your precious paws, perhaps you should try taking a swim in your socks. Not just any pair of knee high knits will shelter your instep from a high seas soaking, you’re going to need to slide into a pair of aqua socks.

Aqua socks were originally invented for Navy Seals (1990), when famous Hollywood actor Charlie Sheen’s contract rider demanded a special kind of shoe be created so that the Wall Street star’s toes wouldn’t get all prune-ish during the filming of water scenes. Once the on set military consult saw how well the shoes worked in terms of keeping digits dry and being less noisy than a pair of boots that tended to clip-clop making sneaking up on opponents impossible; he urged that the US government manufacture the fancy footwear for a special military issue.

Where It All Began

Where It All Began

After making their mark in military invasions of Canada, Panama, and Iraq; Aquasocks became all the rage. Brands like Speedo and Nike began churning out their own versions in their factories in Sri Lanka and Burma so that rich kids in summer camp could show off their ornate waterfront footwear and laugh at their less fortunate peers who could only afford flip flops.

Poor Children Too Ashamed To Show Their Faces

Poor Children Too Ashamed To Show Their Faces

Aqua socks went out of production for a long while as the companies that produced them were too busy moving their factories to places where they could get children who demanded less pay to produce them. Also, their small hands were perfect for reaching in between clogged, razor-sharp gears. However, with the start of the Iraq War in 2003, the NAVY Seals were back in action and in need of some sleek water wear. Just like that they were being massed produced once again, and thanks to the popularity of the war at home all of the kids have started slipping them on yet again…and if the kids are wearing them yet again, they must be friendly, trendy, and patriotic.

September 4, 2008 Posted by | Celebrities, Fashion, Government | , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

You Can’t Spell Funettickly Without Fun or Tickly

Double, Double, Toil and Trouble Witches of Trendwick! Are you experiencing difficulty casting spells because the words on the page don’t look like the words you’re trying to say? Well, language can be a very tricky thing, and while you may know exactly what you’re trying to say, sometimes spelling it out can be a hassle. That is until now, because the latest friendly and trendy movement in language is to spell things phonetically.

That’s right, it’s time to throw all of those spelling rules you learned in grade school out the door and replace them with the spelling roolz yu lurnd in greyd skool. Thanks to a growing moovment mor and mor inglish speekurs are replaysing the tradishonal spellings of wurdz with onez that look more like the wurdz they’re trying 2 say, compleetly ignoring the fact that most wurdz are mayd up of rootz that help peepul figger out what thoze wurdz meen.

Aaron Spelling: TV Catfight and Phonetic Spelling Pioneer

The funetticks moovment was startid by late teevee honcho Aaron Spelling, who was frekwintly jokingly asked by his frendz too spell thingz for them. Fed up by peepul allwayz assooming he was as good as a dikshunnairy becaws of his last naym, Spelling began duhmanding scriptz for his hit shows yoos ownlee funetticks. This methud beecaym such a big hit with his yung acturz, many of hoom were unedjucated and didint know the diffrents anyway. When shows like “Dynasty” and “Beverly Hills 90210” cawt on with yooth awdiences, menny of the yung stars wood go 2 skools and preech abowt the valyoo of litterassy. Offen times menny of the mutteerials they yoosed too suppliment theyr tawk contaynd heeps of miss spellingz, but sinz Linda Evans, Ian Ziering and Gabrielle Carteris wurr more famous than Merriam-Webster’s Dictionary in most hy skools, the kidz gravuhtaydid towurdz the noo spellingz and thus spelling funettickly cawt on.

A Nu Generayshun of Funettick Spellurz

A Nu Generayshun of Funettick Spellurz

When 90210 went off the air in 2000 there were not many young stars touring the high school circuit teaching the value of a good education. With English teachers back at the helm, the importance of word origins and roots re-emerged, turning the National Spelling Bee into a premiere sporting event on par with the Super Bowl. They even made a documentary on it. However, with the announcement of the spinoff show touting Spelling’s fayvuhrit zip coad, spelling funettickly is wuntz more in vowg with tha kidz…and when the kidz are down with sumthing, it makes it mor frendly and trendy than ever.

August 26, 2008 Posted by | Celebrities, Entertainment, Language, Television | , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Quit The Rat Race

Times are tough. It seems like you can’t fashion a welfare check into a crude paper airplane and throw it without it poking an unemployed person in the eye. With the jobless rate nearing an all-time high and an economy that’s in the dumps, we here at the Trendliest think the best course of action regarding the running of “the rat race” is to simply quit it. That’s right, rather than scanning the want ads for a job in the service industry or as a backup quarterback-that you have no desire to fulfill- the friendly and trendy thing to do is announce your retirement!

Moses Gives An Impassioned Retirement Speech to A Throng of Shocked Followers

Retirement has been an alien concept for the majority of civilization. In ancient times, most professional careers ended at the onset of a public stoning, enslavement by invading parties or leprosy. The first influential retiree was none other than Moses, who upon leading the Jews out of Egypt; parting the Red Sea for them; and giving them The Ten Commandments at Mount Sinai, decided that he’d already done his relatively thankless job to the best of his abilities, and that there was nothing left to accomplish as God’s instrument. He happily handed his hebrew leading reins over to Aaron who took them the most of the rest of the way to the promised land.

Brett Favre Gives an Impassioned Retirement Speech To Frenzied Fan Base

The story of Moses’ retirement still carries some weight today as it was the inspiration for Brett Favre’s decision in March of ’08 to retire as the star quarterback of the Green Bay Packers, whom some have dubbed “the Hebrews of the NFL.” Favre had led the Packers out of the unholy land of mediocrity (although they occasionally returned to visit) having done his job to the best of his abilities while surpassing all of Moses’ passing records. His retirement effectively handed the reins of the team to Aaron Rodgers and allowed Favre the opportunity to fade quietly into the past whilst perched happily atop the NFL’s version of Mt. Sinai (a sure induction into the Hall of Fame).

Aaron 2008!

As trendly as quitting the rat race can be, if you find your AARP membership benefits to be unrewarding, you always have the option of asking for your old job back provided you had a job in the first place. While there’s no guarantee that your employers haven’t moved on to the new hotshot CEO or Janitor, the odds are if you act disgruntled enough they’ll “trade” you to another job where you’ll be unjustifiably hailed as that company’s new savior despite the fact that you were totally overrated at your old company and you’re getting up there in years. Hey, sometimes it’s just nice to be wanted…and there’s nothing trendlier than tricking people into thinking you’re worth the trouble.

August 7, 2008 Posted by | Celebrities, Entertainment, Sports | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Come Here Often?

Hey Trendly ladies and gentlemen. We don’t think we’ve seen you here before. Do you come here often? Oh, you’re a regular Trendliest reader. Oh, then odds are we won’t have to convince you to come home with us, but if you were new to this site we’d lay on the charm via the use of the trendliest method of seduction, The Pick-Up line.

The pick-up line originated in the mid 1970’s when two Americans, in preparation for a night out at the Montreal clubs, flipped through a French-English dictionary to figure out how to ask French Canadians if they want to have sex. They came up with “Do you want to go to bed with me?” or “Voulez-vous coucher avec moi?

Unfortunately the two men in question were extremely ugly and ended up being turned down by every woman they met that evening…including two or three prostitutes who when later asked said they preferred the honest approach of a simple hello. Luckily, for the two men in question they turned their sexual woes into the smash hit “Lady Marmalade” and even though no women ever believed them when they tried to impress them with their songwriting credits, they ended up very rich…and alone.

Preferred A Simple Hello

The pick-up line has since evolved into an increasingly awkward yet charming art with literally thousands of permutations on the original formula. Most of these enticing inquiries are only successful when the person doing the wooing is dressed in a ridiculous outfit and has had his or her tips professionally frosted.

The following is a list of some of the more popular pick up lines that are sure to help you achieve the friendly and trendy goal of getting the object of your affection to notice you because you’ll be talking to them.

1. Yo bitch…Can I holla?

2. I can see your pants in that mirror…I’m in that mirror. I think both me and your pants are in that mirror.

3. You’re pretty like Stevie Nicks.

Stevie Nicks…The Current Gold Standard of Beauty

4. I’m Enrique Iglesias.

5. Shall I phone you or nudge you?

6. When we get out of jail…I’m going to love you forever…if we get out of jail.

7. I lease a ’95 Chrysler Sebring.

’95 Sebring- The Crown Jewel of Chrysler

8. When you stepped out of heaven did they have to kill someone to make an angel to replace you…because I think killing is morally reprehensible.

9. When in Rome or wherever it is we are, do me.

10. Twenty dollars for one song!

Hopefully, these lines can be of some assistance in curing your lovelorn state, but you’ll never know unless you get out there and put them to the test. The proof is in the trendly pudding.

August 5, 2008 Posted by | Celebrities, Methods, Romance, Social Trends | , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Be A Flip Flopper

Hey Trendliticians! Were you for the war before you were against the war? Are you looking for snug shoes that reflect the same comfort you feel with your political stance? Well then we here at Trendliest recommend investing in a pair of flip flops.

Originally known as “thongs,” but changed to the more erudite “flip flop” after a successful trademark infringement lawsuit filed by pint-sized R&B singer Sisqo who was riding high on his 2000 hit “Thong Song,” flip flops are an easy-breezy way to ensure the bottom of your feet avoid getting dirty, while still allowing them to be vulnerable to shards of glass, so that you may one day also file a frivolous lawsuit against the owner of the property where your foot laceration occurred (hopefully it’s city property).

Prevented Use of The Term Thonger

Aside offering limited covering and defense for your toes, flip flops are largely associated with being an ideal footwear option when dealing with the “heat.” This caused quite a misunderstanding during the 2004 elections, when many Republicans repeatedly accused then Democratic candidate John Kerry of being a flip flopper. For some reason many voters took this to mean Kerry was being charged with being indecisive, when it actually meant that he would have been an easy, breezy fit if he were employed to take the heat of the office of the President of The United States of America. Whether or not he would be able to protect it from shards of glass would remain to be seen.

Kerry: Easy. Breezy. Didn’t Necessarily Protect Against Shards of Glass

Luckily, this small misunderstanding has been cleared up, and with the weather hotter than ever and the 2008 election heating up…the people have spoken. And you know what they’re saying? “Flip Flops are friendly and trendy,” also “Yes we Can!”

July 31, 2008 Posted by | Celebrities, Fashion, Music, Politics | , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Hurricane You

Hey there trend-chasers! Have you been driving your beat up Dodge truck chasing the latest weather trends only to stumble on an unfriendly tornado that lacks the common decency to introduce itself before it destroys your house and parks your ATV in a tree on the other side of town? The nerve! We here at Trendliest recommend you drop that zero and get with this hero: Hurricanes! Because the latest friendly weather trend is forking over the cash so that you can name these super storms.

Naming Hurricanes is a rather recent phenomenon. After the success of the Star Registry’s efforts to charge people to name stars in the sky, The National Weather service decided that they could net a huge profit and charge a much heftier amount to attach monikers to these fierce forces of nature, based solely on the fact that there are only on average fifteen or so a season and that people would pay top dollar for the publicity it afforded the storm’s namesake. As they say, there’s no such thing as bad publicity (unless of course you happen to be a Nazi). So in 1970 the National Weather Service sold the naming rights of the first Hurricane to Yoko Ono, which has subsequently been blamed for the breakup of The Beatles, and to a lesser extent The Captain and Tennille.

Hurricane Yoko Ono In Action

Ever since it’s been totally trendly to attach your name to a violent storm in the hopes that it will increase awareness of particular projects-like forcing band breakups or telling your ex that you got engaged. Unfortunately, this is mostly a crapshoot, because not all tropical storms can be hurricanes. Such was the case with one of the biggest publicity failures that occurred when the “I Can Read Books” company ponied up big loot to name one of 1978’s storms “Amelia” in order to promote it’s children’s release Amelia Bedelia Helps Out. Well as the story goes, Tropical Storm Amelia only lasted two days and made minimal headlines. The book release was subsequently pushed back to 1979. Conversely, 2005’s Hurricane Rita was a devastating Category 5 Hurricane that made headlines nationwide, but could do little in the way of reviving Comedienne Rita Rudner’s career.

The Book At The Heart of The First Huge Hurricane Publicity Failure

There have been plenty of successful pairings such as 2004’s Hurricane Charley which caused Flowers For Algernon to re-enter the required reading list for many a junior high curriculum in the mid-Atlantic states and lest we not forget Hurricane Gloria, which dramatically drove up record sales for Laura Branigan’s 1982 single of the same name, albeit in 1985.

Whether or not you’re trying to drum up publicity for a presidential campaign or you simply want to see your name on the cover of a national newspaper that reads “(Your Name) Leaves Death and Destruction in it’s Wake”, you can rest assured that putting your name on a hurricane is the friendly and trendy way to get people talking about (your name here).

July 24, 2008 Posted by | Celebrities, Entertainment, Methods | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment