Rise and shine friendly and trendy alcohol imbibing Americans, a new day has dawned for our way of life. When you woke up yesterday there were three branches of Government:The Legislative, The Executive, and The Judicial; However, today when you looked out your window at the summer sun you could probably sense something was different.
A Now Obsolete Rendering of The Three Branches of Government
That slight difference is that one third of those branches is no longer with us. Despite the nomination and subsequent confirmation of Supreme Court Judge Sonia Sotomayor, the Judicial system is now obsolete. While “the bar” may technically still exist it now refers to the place where everybody knows your name, and they’re always glad you got arrested, thanks to the latest trend in settling legal disputes, “The Beer Summit.”
An Historic Moment
With the recent advent of the first Beer Summit, in which President Obama settled the issue of whether or not Henry Louis Gates was guilty of breaking into his own house by simply inviting the Harvard Professor and his arresting officer to discuss the charges and the racial strife caused by said charges over a beer; overnight it has become customary to settle all disputes in this manner.
Now there’s a brand of justice that both tastes great and is less filling (of our overcrowded prisons). Whether or not you’ve been wrongfully accused of murder or simply pulled over for driving under the influence, you’ll be faced with two options: One, you could put on a suit and be tried by a jury of your peers; or two, you could down a few with your accuser and effectively reach an understanding in a flurry of four beers. The latter option is certainly less costly than one of those money grubbing lawyers and it helps promote understanding of not only the difference between the accused and the accuser, but also between lagers and IPA’s.
I'll Be The Judge of That
While the court system will still exist in a limited role for those totally boring members of Alcoholic’s Anonymous there will be limited need for Judges and lawyers (hooray!) as the only remaining courthouses will be located in towns named “Justice” in the states of Illinois, Wyoming, North Carolina, Oklahoma and Kentucky. The Supreme Court will also be replaced by the United States Council of Wise Bartenders, which may or may not consist of the current members of the Supreme Court provided they pass bartending school in time for the fall session.
Gary- Master Mixologist and Member of the US Council of Wise Bartenders
So cheers to the friendly, trendly new way of solving our problems and if you don’t like it…well then this Bud’s for you. Now if only we could get Iran and North Korea to the beer table.
Hey Trendly Friendlies. Are you absolutely sick of 2008? Let’s face it, the only good things to come out of this past year were world domination at the hands of the Chinese, the end of racism, that movie Step Up 2: The Streets and everything on this website. Sure hearing that Britney is back was kinda good, but George Lucas and Steven Spielberg will ruin her sooner or later. Besides, who wants to settle for liking something with the word “kinda” in it anyway?
In efforts to make sure that 2009 is much friendlier and trendier, we here at Trendliest are taking a trendspotting trip around the world, to find out all that’s hop, hot, and next in the worlds of fashion, passion, and small plastic containers. When we return we’ll be all set to unleash an entire quart-sized tupperware container full of whoop-ass to knock your trendly socks off of your feet that are totally wearing last year’s LeBron James sneaker.
So brace yourselves, because in three weeks the trendliness of The Trendliest returns and you’ll be powerless to stop it unless you have a riot policeman’s shield. In the meantime, we wish you a Merry Christmas and a Trendly New Year.
Hello my trendly menlies…isn’t life beautiful? What’s that you say? You don’t know because you can’t experience the miracle of giving birth. Well, that’s a shame. For the longest time women were so selfish that they kept the right to give life all to themselves…popping out baby after baby with ease, leaving their men with little to do but to sweep the house, and learn how to breathe so that when their wives were giving birth they could blow in their faces and make funny sounds to add comic relief to the situation as infant upon infant came sliding out.
Famous Feminist Leader P. Diddy
Not only were women in control of the child rearing industry, but since acquiring the right to vote thanks to the efforts of Susan B. Anthony and P. Diddy’s Vote or Die campaign, women have threatened to take over nearly all aspects of society. They’ve more or less trivialized men’s place in society by taking over masculine roles like high school football kicker, sexy nurse and even corporate CEO. Luckily for men, in the past few years these domineering yet reasonable leaders have lessened their hold on society allowing for the installation of a glass ceiling, so that when women find their way to the executive floor, men in middle management still get the pleasure of looking up their skirts.
Despite women ceding some of their previous roles like home maker and sexy nurse over to men, it looked like those feminists would never allow men to participate in the one thing men really long to be apart of…the miracle of life. That is until now. Yes gentlemen, your prayers have been answered with the latest Health trend…Pregmancy.
Anything You Can Do, I Can Do Better
No, that’s not a typo…The latest trend in childbirth is men putting one in the oven for nine months. Derived from the latin word pregnancy, which stems from the roots
preggers”, meaning “to have a child within” and “nancy”, meaning having “feminine qualities”…scientists simply replaced the n with an m because it was more aesthetically pleasing in terms of what they were now describing. Hence the term was born.
Inspired by the knowledge gained in documentary films such as Junior, 3 Men and A Baby and Cop and A Half as well as the episode of The Cosby Show when Cliff Huxtable gives birth to a hoagie, scientists have made it possible for men to experience the one thrill greater than watching your favorite speed skater compete in the olympics…birth.
Pudding and Pregmancy Pioneer Cosby
No longer do men have to go to the sperm bank and wait twenty or so years for an awkward knock at the door to experience the joy of having children. This is all made possible by simple procedure in which a man is born a woman and then decides that she identifies more with being a man. Said woMAN then has a sex change, but keeps her ovaries in tact. He is then impregnated by a stork, through hardcore stimulation or by the aforementioned sperm bank by a suitable donor who is both handsome and smart, but mostly in need of cash for sperm.
Pregmancy in Action…ON OPRAH!
However, it is most vital that before the baby is carried full term, said parents must appear on Oprah, so that they can be paraded around on national television like some beautiful freakshow showing how all is right with the world and how a film starring Arnold Schwarzenegger,which until now carried so little meaning paved the way for a social movement. If the latter does not occur, said family and baby is sure to languish in abject obscurity for what might end up being an entire lifetime filled with either hardship and/or happiness. At the end of the full term the man has the delight of squeezing a small being through their sex organ, known as the “mangina” not to be confused with popular european soft drink Orangina, and voila a baby is born, pioneering a new movement in child birth…and as we all know, being the first to do something is most decidedly trendly.
Hey there Trendinistas, it’s your favorite oral surgeon Dr. Trendberg here to give you 10cc’s of TrendicilTM STAT! We here at The Trendliest feel it’s our God-given duty to inform you, Joe and Janette Public, of what’s hot, happening and hottt. Today we’re featuring what’s sure to be the hot-button topic (Editor’s Note: Not to be confused with Hot Topic) at your local office’s water cooler: WAR!
Yes, that’s right. It seems like you can’t go anywhere these days without bumping into a war of sorts. On the subway car, a rider accidentally jostles another passenger and before you know it someone is shouting, “Please, for the love of God, put down the surface-to-air missile!” Meanwhile, in the town library, an ill-tempered youth tests a nuclear warhead in the Young Adult section.
Yes, war is most definitely trendly. Since its humble beginnings in the early-to-mid 1400s war has been the most effective communication tool ever to be developed by high-functioning organisms. Though wars have been downplayed and received little to no media attention in recent times, our great barbaric pastime is seeing a bountiful resurgence with today’s trend-setting youth. Thanks to the Internet chat rooms, history textbooks and to a lesser extent, the water cooler; war stories and stories of war are being delivered by old timers to a hungry audience yearning for the days of yore. So, the next time you’re walking down a crowded street and you bump another person, don’t say “sorry” like a hippie (hippies are so 80’s) – respond with your fists in the air at the ready for some serious pummeling…provided of course, you have the support of Congress, the trendliest government body of them all.
Hey Trend fans, it’s your favorite friendly neighborhood trendsetter, back again to tell you everything you’ve been dying to know about what’s so now. If you’ve been watching the news lately, you’ll know that one of the hot button topics is waterboarding. Never mind what waterboarding is, all you have to know is that it’s a hot button topic and what are hot button topics if not a mixture of friendly and trendy. The other important things you need to know about waterboarding are that it’s a great way to find out secrets and the government says it doesn’t qualify as torture.
Ladies is your best friend holding out on how that date last night went? Are you sure she went all the way but she’s refusing to kiss and tell? That slut! Sure you’ve got your connections and could always ask around or look for that diary you know she keeps, but why not go straight to the horses mouth and get answers by using a method condoned by the U.S. Government! After your friend gives up the goods, that time you waterboarded her is sure to be a hot button topic between the two of you, and as we discussed before, hot button topics are trendly!