The Trendliest

A Friendly Guide To The Latest Trends

I Swear To $#%$*

hand-on-bibleWitnesses for the trend-secution, do you SWEAR to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth so help you blog?  You do?  Good, now place your hand on a copy of the Bible, Torah, Koran, Bhagavad Gita, or The Secret and say that all again because with all the swearing you’re going to be doing it’s going to be necessary to carry the Holy Book of your choice at all times seeing as Swearing is the hottest and friendliest trend currently sweeping the nation.

The verb “to swear” has had a short and rather glorious history.  It was derived from the surname of Charles F. Swayer, a teacher in 19th Century Britain.  Swayer was not a very good teacher due to the fact that he was not well-versed in virtually anything factual.  Often times whilst giving a lesson his students would mumble the word “bollocks” under their collective breath and sometimes out loud.  This incensed the educator and he demanded that whenever a student uttered such heinous word they pay a one shilling penalty by placing a coin on a designated plate on his desk.  This “Swayer plate” was a huge failure due to the fact that when one student would come up to place a shilling on the plate, they’d inevitably take another one back.

The Americanized "Swayer" Jar

The Americanized "Swayer" Jar

It was for this sole reason that Swayer was moved to invent the “jar”.  By having his students put their coins in a round, covered receptacle with a slit for change on top, his class could less obviously reimburse themselves with the shillings of others.  Not only did this invention revolutionize the teaching field, but went on to influence parenting as adults everywhere caught on to the Swayer Jar.  However, when the practice crossed the Atlantic and was adapted by Americans soon after, the name somehow was turned into the Swear Jar and the actual word that was once just a surname was perverted to mean multiple things, ranging from a promise to an expletive.

President Barack Obama Swears On National Television

President Barack Obama Swears On National Television

While the act of swearing has been long frowned upon by jar-wielding parents across the nation, ever since Barack Obama was sworn in as America’s 44th President, it’s more or less become an epidemic.  Everyone including Secretary of State Hillary Clinton,  dock workers in Detroit, Christian Bale on the set of Terminator 4, engaged couples in Des Moines,  expert witnesses in double murder trials, and Dane Cook have been uttering a variety of magical words  including “I do”, “I will”, and seven words we can’t say on this blog even though we’re not exactly policed by the FCC.  Whether we can say them or not, doesn’t make them any less trendly.  We promise.

February 3, 2009 Posted by | Education, Language | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Turn Your Kids Into Cash!

Greetings potential parentals.  If you’ve got a baby on the way but are a little worried that it’s not your nature to nurture, maybe you should stop asking yourself the question, “how do I take care of my baby?”  and start asking, “How can my baby take care of me?”  Put down that volume of Dr. Spock and make sure your new son or daughter is ready to rock with the latest friendly trend of turning your kids into cash!

Now we here at the Trendliest aren’t condoning selling your newborns onto the black market (just yet).  We’re merely suggesting that you start preparing your child for a successful career early on so they can literally and figuratively stop sucking at your teat before they ever start while chipping in a little towards your monthly rent or mortgage payment that their birth has helped make more difficult to pay.

First off, the road to success starts in the womb and certainly is paved with both placenta and gold.  While your child is developing, don’t underestimate the importance of music.  Play as much meaningless pop as you can so when your child finally pops out he or she will be influenced by the songs of relatively young idols like Britney Spears and Avril Lavigne, appearing at an early age to want to follow their career path.  Once your child is old enough to hum or sing, invoke the Lynne Spears Method of Parenting as laid out in her book, Through The Storm: A Real Story of Fame and Family in a Tabloid World.

Goodbye Dr. Spock, Hello Lynne!

Goodbye Dr. Spock, Hello Lynne!

The most important part of this method is never saying no to your child.  If you’ve done your job correctly so far, your son/daughter will want to be a singer. Cater to all their performance whims and make sure to constantly encourage them in their performance field.  Be sure to purchase a big stereo with a karaoke feature and a top of the line microphone so that they might practice at home for all of their big auditions, it’ll pay for itself. Tell your child they have the most beautiful voice in the world and that they should take singing and dancing lessons and go on auditions so mommy and daddy won’t be poor no more.

As for education, School is a formality when you’re getting your degree in Showbiz.    No matter how unready your child may be, ignoring education will put a fast track to success and a slightly slower track to the mental ward or rehab, but the latter two results are just minor obstacles to maintaining a fabulous career.

This Could Be Your Child!

No Wait...This Could Be Your Child...Much Better

No Wait...This Could Be Your Child...Much Better

If you’ve not succeeded in Ms. Spears method your child might want to be an NFL Place kicker, a fireman or Chief of Police, in which case you should probably start practicing kickoffs, taking your child to the firehouse to practice drills, or just having a gun in the house to hone those respective skills.  After all catering to your childs first whim and encouraging them to be whatever they want to be as long as it has the potential to earn you cash is the trendliest way to parent.

It's Never Too Early To Start Getting Them Ready

It's Never Too Early To Start Getting Them Ready

October 2, 2008 Posted by | Careers, Education, Family, Methods, Music, Parenting | , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Learn By Osmosis!

Are you thinking of enrolling in university so that you can finally get that degree in Earth Science or TV repair you’ve always wanted?  Well put down that paper and pencil because at the Richard Dean Anderson Trendliest School of Higher Educational Learning, we’ll prepare you for a career in whatever it is you’ve always dreamed of doing without the bureaucratic hassle or benefit of one of those expensive certified academic institutions.  Sure you could waste years and thousands of dollars going to “school”, but we know you’d rather the quick and easy approach (that’s what she said).   If you’ve got the need, the need for speed learning, the only friendly and trendy method is Osmosis.

The Smartest Cat Alive

Garfield: The Smartest Cat Alive

While in actuality Osmosis is defined as “the diffusion of fluids through membranes or porous partitions” it has been adapted to refer to not just water, but to all fields of knowledge apparent in one’s surroundings being effortlessly absorbed through the pores of the human brain solely based on proximity.  The very first being to put this method of immediate education to good use was the philosopher cat Garfield, who not only learned all of the school subjects in one fell swoop, but learned a secret recipe for lasagna by simply placing his paw on John Arbuckle’s dinner one evening.

The Album That Launched Three Million Guitar Lessons

The Album That Launched Three Million Guitar Lessons

Osmosis has also been used as a handy marketing tool by people who no doubt had once brushed their hand on a marketing textbook.  In 1995, an Epic Records product manager insisted Ozzy Osbourne title his latest album Ozzmosis.  The effect was astonishing as over three million metalheads flocked to stores to buy the album in the hopes that by owning it they would learn how to play guitar as well as if not better than frequent Ozzy collaborator Zakk Wylde.  A similar strategy was employed for the 2001 film Osmosis Jones which ultimately failed because everyone who fell for it the first time was too busy taking guitar lessons the day the movie was in theaters.

VP Candidate Sarah Palin Waves To Her Neighbor Vladimir Putin

VP Candidate Sarah Palin Waves To Her Neighbor Vladimir Putin

Now after laying dormant for seven years or so, the Republican Party has once again jumped on the  bandwagon for the method of learning that Garfield so brazenly introduced.  Prior to announcing the Vice Presidential nomination of Alaska Governor Sarah Palin, the Grand ‘Ol Party made the potential first right-hand lady spend just under two years in a house where she could see Russia out the window so that she might gather all of the foreign policy know how she would ever need.  As an added bonus, she listened to John Denver albums on a loop and learned how to be folksy.  Well, all that osmosis has certainly paid off and Sarah Palin is poised for a historic visit to the White House.   Maybe if she ever goes into the Lincoln bedroom and touches his portrait she’ll learn a little something about good presidentin’ too.  Wouldn’t that be something?

September 18, 2008 Posted by | Education, Methods, Politics | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

If At First You Don’t Succeed…Search, Search Again

Hello my trendly little pupils. I hope you have your paper and pencils ready to take some notes because Trendology 101 is now in session. For today’s lesson in Trendliness we explore the hottest method for learning known as “Research”. As we all know, learning is important and research is not only the best way to learn things, but it’s used by nearly everyone, from Scientists who employ it to try to prove that God doesn’t exist to Producers on “The Jerry Springer Show”, who use it as a way to figure out what psychological buttons to push that will make two white-trash transvestite hermaphrodites so angry that they’ll punch each other in the face relentlessly on national television. If research is used on television how can it not be trendly?

“God who?”

The main aspects of research include reading about things, watching things and doing things related to that of which you may or may not already know, just in case you find yourself faced with the opportunity to appear on Jeopardy. For example if one wanted to research “martial arts” one might feel inclined to watch the Jeff Speakman movie or perhaps go to a dojo and punch someone in the face. The result would more than likely involve “Martial Arts, providing a wonderful opportunity for “hands on research”.

The term “research” itself originated with famed explorer Marco Polo, who in the 13th Century was sent to China by The Pope to look for spices. When Polo returned to present his holiness with the vast array of flavors he had found in the Orient, the Pope ordered him to go back and get more. Ironically, Polo had a horrible sense of direction and had made no markings on the map as to the places he had been. He told the Pope he would have to “re-search” for the spices and thus a new method of learning was born as was Mrs. Dash; the salt substitute was a direct result of Marco’s 2nd spice run. However, the fact of the matter is, after it’s invention research was very scarcely used. People preferred the use of the educated guess or “Hypothesis”, named after Greek mathematician Hypotenous for whom the longest side in a right triangle is also named. (Note: Getting things named after you makes them infinitely trendlier)

An Historic Moment In Research History

One of the first pioneers of researching was fairy tale “it” girl Goldilocks, who helped bring researching to the public eye when she found that some porridges and beds were too hot or too cold, but others were just right. Thanks to the efforts of this brazen blond researcher who effectively held the first focus group (a research method still used today by all the hottest marketing companies), the human race became acutely aware that partaking in anything that was “just right” ultimately pissed off bears. To this day, humans live in a slightly uncomfortable state to maintain a suitable equilibrium with the master bear race, because not getting mauled by Grizzlies is most certainly friendly and trendy.

Just as Goldilocks’ research led the human race to cope with things that may be a little too toasty or chilly, we here at The Trendliest use Marco Polo’s invention nearly every day to learn the latest on that which is not lame so we can pass it to you, our beloved readers. You know if we’re addicted to research, it must be trendly.

Thanks to Stephy P and Andrew M.

April 9, 2008 Posted by | Education, Methods | , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Clarinet Hero

Hey Trend Stars, Do you like to rock out with your cochlea held firmly in place within your inner ear? Your friendly guides to the trend universe here at The Trendliest certainly do. However, we don’t like to rock out to the sound industrial noise or crying children, we prefer to”get the led out” with a healthy dose of music. For our ears there’s no sound trendlier than the sweet song emitted by, you guessed it, the Clarinet. Formerly referred to as the “Licorice Stick” due to the fact that it was it was invented by Charles Q. Licorice who used it as the first prototype for flavored edible wood, the original product manufactured unsuccessfully by the Twizzler corporation, this single-reeded sparkplug has been a pivotal element to all of the hottest tunes rising up the Billboard 100 charts. Artists as diverse as 50 Cent and and The Game are busting the rhymes with backing beats adorned with squeaky but sultry clarinet loops. Even Saxophone superstar Kenny G recently retired his tenor tool to get all handsy with the trendy friendly tunemaker.

So why all the fuss over this influential instrument. Well, we’d like to think it has something to do with the release of mega-successful music-oriented video games like “Woodwind Hero”, “Marching Band” and “Jazz Band”. The extreme difficulty of the latter has led kids to put down their virtual versions and actually get acquainted with the real thing. Young males seem hop to the fact that chicks dig musicians and as a result have begun taking up the Clarinet in droves. It’s a good thing their school music programs are so well funded. They’re practically teaching their kids music and sex ed at the same time, which is certainly a trendly way to deal with school budget issues.
It’s not just kids who are involved, celebrities are also creating a Clarinet cacophony. Word on the street is uber-trendly Hollywood director Woody Allen met his wife-daughter after a pedophilia fueled performance by his Clarinet quintet. Perhaps she was a fan of his earlier films like Manhattan and Zelig, but we prefer to think it was the way he wielded that Licorice Stick. There’s something irresistibly trendy and friendly about someone who knows their way around a Clarinet.

April 4, 2008 Posted by | Celebrities, Education, Music, Sexuality | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment