Have you been “Rick-rolled” one too many times? Do you have a not-so-secret longing to get back at those who have tricked you into knowing that they’re never gonna give you up, let you down, run around and desert you? While it may be a nice sentiment for your friends to repeatedly promise that they’re never going to make you cry, say goodbye, tell a lie and hurt you; the fact that they made you sit through a Rick Astley video says otherwise. At least they could’ve had the common decency to switch it up every once in a while with the “Together Forever” video.
Well, if you’re in the market for some sugar-coated pop culture revenge, look no further than the 1980’s beer commercial soundtrack goodness that is the music of Steve Winwood. That’s right, “Rick rolling” is out and “Winwooding” is the latest friendly trend in ironic Internet trickery.
Before the salad days of Rick Astley, Steve Winwood enjoyed a long fruitful career as a valid and profitable musician, playing in bands like Blind Faith and Traffic, before settling down into his ultimate legacy as 1980’s easily listening pop/rock with songs that reminded us that by rolling with it and drinking Michelob Light, the finer things would indeed keep shining through.
Well that was a long time ago and the Winwooder looks primed for a comeback of sorts, even if it’s not quite of Astley-esque proportions. The stage was set for such an event during the pre-game concert for Super Bowl XLIV when an early-arriving, unsuspecting throng of Football fans got Winwooded prior to both teams taking the field.
With his performance prowess fresh on the brains of the media savvy, there’s never been a friendlier, trendier time to “Winwood” someone by linking them to this video. So we here at The Trendliest recommend you do it now, before everyone starts Bruce Hornsby-izing you.
Do you constantly have the urge do paint your skin blue and have sex with the earth and its creatures while wearing 3D glasses? Were you disappointed on your last trip to the book store when you found out Rosetta Stone doesn’t make a Na’vi edition? Do you refer to your social skills as “Unobtainium”? Nevermind calling your psychotherapist to see what’s plaguing you, we here at your friendly guide to the latest trends, have the diagnosis and it’s got nothing to do with murder. You seem to have come down with decidedly trendly affliction known as Post-Avatar Depression.
You’re not alone film fanatics. Well, okay, you’re mostly alone. Rest assured there are several others like you; those moved to the point of obsession by a cliched plot, breathtaking CGI animation and glow-in-the-dark horses with eight legs instead of four. Ever since James Cameron opened the Pandora’s box that is his multi-billion dollar grossing opus Avatar, impressionable people with nothing better to do have envisioned themselves as inhabitants of a fictional planet rich in natural beauty and ten foot-tall blue people with superior physical skills to someone who just spent three hours gorging themselves on butter-slathered popcorn.
These human specimens who possess the rare ability to care entirely too much about an alien environment while not necessarily exhibiting any sense of urgency about their own, have taken to wallowing in the mire over the fact that they will never be able find themselves in the utopia that exists mostly in the mind of the guy who directed Piranha Part Two: The Spawning. Still, they’ve grown hostile to their fellow members of the human race who would sooner destroy natural resources than wait in line to meet Zoe Saldana at the next Comicon just to have that awkward moment when they tell her, “I see you.”
While the reality is all too disheartening, most wanNa’vis have found ways of coping with this hip film-based mental illness. For some it’s as simple as listening to Leona Lewis’s Celine Dion-esque “I See You” theme on a loop, while others have been forced to give into the realization that Avatar is just Ferngully mixed with Dances With Wolves, and still a few brave souls have pressed on living in their thin blue skin eagerly awaiting the sequel. Because, really what’s more friendly and trendy than not admitting you have a problem in the first place.
Greetings waders in the sea of the latest friendly fads. Have you been busy over the winter keeping your limbs limber by filling out forms and stretching your stamina with spreadsheets? Well, we hope you’ve been practicing your trendstroke, because without it your likely to drown in the latest friendly trend, The Office Pool.
Don’t be afraid to jump right in, the water’s fine. Despite the economic downturn nearly every place of business around the country will be installing a man made body of liquid that isn’t urine, but will certainly get mixed with a good deal of it, just in time for spring. Yes, the early days of Spring annually bring about the office festival known as, March Madness. During March Madness employers have been known to split up their employees into a field of 64 according to institutions of higher learning and stage a tournament of wills on the chlorinated court otherwise known as Swimmy Basketball.
Often times the tournament leads to management-sanctioned gambling that doesn’t involve large portions of pension funds. but more than makes up for it by inspiring plenty of trash talk to signal the renewal of some old college rivalries.
Participants receive seedings that show just how much their bosses like them, but sometimes even the most favored employees like the company brown noser fall to the janitor and a whole new office hierarchy is established. The winner is rewarded handsomely with a bonus, an extra two weeks off, and the title of National Champion.
And really what’s friendlier and trendier than carrying the label of “National Champion” if only for a year.
Every once in a while something so hop and hot comes along that it defies explanation and makes us view the world in an entirely different light when it comes to just what qualifies as both friendly and trendy. Previous powerful and puzzling examples along these lines include Crocs, Crystal Meth, and the music of Huey Lewis & The News. However, seeing as we pride ourselves on being your friendly guide to the latest trends we here at Trendliest are going to do our damnedest to explain the latest trend in portable TV technology, the resurgence of The Watchman or if we were to take the plural form, “Watchmen.”
Unless you live in a cave, the area you live in has more likely than not been inundated with confusing advertisements featuring costume clad beings hyping the release of the rehash of this electronic wonder first released by the Sony Company in 1982 in Japan. The original Japanese prototype was a man who wore 8 watches on each arm and constantly updated the time in funny voices. However, Sony soon realized there was no way to replicate this in their factory and instead focused on another definition of the word “watch” noting that people like to “watch” TV.
The new and improved Watchman made it’s debut in Europe and the United States in 1984 and the public went absolutely gaga over it. People were hungry for a televisual aid not quite the length of the average man’s penis that they could tote along with them just in case they weren’t going to make it home to catch their favorite local news telecast or reruns of “Too Close For Comfort.” Watchmen also became excellent time killers for those who were made impatient by the mere thought of waiting on lines, due to the fact that they were illiterate and would have no other means to entertain themselves other than shouting obscenities at passers by as they waited on line to dance at the Palladium.
The pocket tv phenomenon began to peter out in the 90’s well before the advances of HDTV, wireless internet, and the ability to watch all of your favorite shows on your iPod, but it’s inexplicably all the rage yet again even with the switch over to digital television. Apparently some merchandising brainiacs over at Warner Bros. thought it would be a wonderful idea to license the former fad and re-release it accompanied by a massive marketing campaign. As it turns out their hunch was right on the money. Watchmen were released this weekend to a clamoring public who ate up the seemingly obsolete innovation to the tune of $55.4 million. While there have been a few glitches in the technology such as causing users to turn blue or have their facial features shift around while gazing at such a tiny screen, the reviews have been largely positive.
We here at Trendliest didn’t exactly head down to the Circuit City and snatch one up one of these “Watchmen” to see what all of the fuss is about, but we’re going back to our childhood home this weekend to try to dig our old one up and sell it on ebay…because that’s where the real money is…and in this economy anything that can net us the real money is certainly friendly and trendy.
Howdy, friendly trendy blue collar folk. Are you too busy working your fingers to the bone and putting food on your table for your family to keep up with the Kardashians? Well, don’t let Khloe, Kim, Kara, Karl, Kami, Karter, Kevlar, and Brody do all of the partying. Drop the hero act and get with zero pack. After all, the family that does nothing productive for society is the family that gets the most endorsement money. Are we right or are we right? (We know we’re right.) While you’re working the assembly line those “talented” kids are busy working the Conga line and still making much more loot than you ever will…unless you take advantage of a little friendly trend we’d like to call Unemployment.
Unemployment is the sole reason all of the children of famous people have more than enough free time to partake in glamorous events like making their own sex tapes, dancing with the stars, walking the Grammy Red Carpet and filming a reality show for E! Think about it, if you didn’t have that pesky job, you could be skiing the Swiss Alps (until your money ran out assuming you decided not to pay your rent), writing a blog like this, or spending the entirety of your day doling out your previously hard earned cash at the local strip club away from they watchful eye of your wife and kids, but delightfully close to a beautiful woman named Sapphire.
There’s never been a better time to reap the benefits of Funemployment™ as corporations around the world are eager to get all their once employees a chance to live the life of the rich and famous, in essence saying, “Hey Brody! Get out of here. Go out and have a blast,” by terminating the jobs of their workers. And with unemployment levels at their highest rate since the early 1990’s, millions upon millions of former workers are experiencing the good life that comes with standing on that unemployment line in the hopes that it will eventually be lined with paparazzi clamoring to take fabulous photos of the “less is more” fortunate.
The best part of Funemployment! is the pay. While it’s true you’d probably get substantially less than you originally made when you still had a job, you never had the time to enjoy all that cash you were making anyway. Raking in less coin just means you’ll value the things you spend every last precious penny on provided it has nothing to do with providing for your family. Seriously, there’s nothing friendly and trendy about free time, if you’ve gotta worry about serious issues like bills and rent. That’s why we call it Funemployment!
Greetings Trendsferatus! Do you have a genuine thirst for blood and opulence even though you’re not an ambulance chasing lawyer? Do you long to suck the life out of trends until they’re pale, lacking plasma and destined to live forever? If this sounds like you, then you’re already well on your way to taking part in the latest friendly trend, being a vampire.
Seems like you can’t consume any media these days without crossing paths with these creatures of the night. Whether you’re watching children’s television in the morning, trying to see Anna Paquin get naked on HBO in prime time or even reading an erotic teen novel before bedtime, the antics of these bloodthirsty beasts have taken over our culture with their Eastern European accents and general disdain for reflections.
Despite the current frenzy being caused by these hemoglobin-hunting horrors, the proliferation of the ‘pire is nothing new; Bram Stoker’s Dracula was the very first documented fictional vampire dating back to the 1800’s. In actuality, his character was based on 15th Century Romanian Royal, Vlad The Impaler, who was infamous for accidentally drawing blood while fellating male houseguests. Stoker‘s publishers were so horrified by the original draft depicting his homosexual hero that they insisted the author change the main character from a princely Transylvanian with a penchant for counting to ten and a knack for mangling man-parts into a Gary Oldman-ish, saber-toothed seductor draining dames of their plasma and platelets.
This printed legend of Dracula has allowed the Vampire fad to live on for centuries. It’s biggest obstacle was presented in the 1990’s as the pop culture world became a veritable battleground for these mythical monsters. Anne Rice was writing multiple novels about handsome bloodsuckers as vehicles for Tom Cruise, Kirsten Dunst, and Brad Pitt; while Sarah Michelle Gellar, Kristy Swanson, and Wesley Snipes combined efforts to put their kind to an end. For a while it seemed like the slayers would put a stake through the heart of this fad with a musical episode or two, but the star power of the vampires won out.
As we speak there are at least three vampire vehicles out there lurking in the night. They move fast, they air late and before you know it, the public gets bitten and thirsts for even more. We here at Trendliest recommend you hop on this trend quickly, because in as short a time as it takes for the next sunrise, Vampire-chic could crumble to dust. So gel up that widow’s peak, sharpen those teeth, and load some songs from The Cure onto your iPod — because being a vampire doesn’t suck, unless you want it to.
Hey fellow believers in Trendlyism, Have you been good this year? Probably not. If you’re a God-fearing human being odds are your clothes and skin are washed in nothing but Tide and sin. Have no fear (unless it’s a rational fear of God or death) Trendliest is here to tell you how to wipe the sin off the surface of your being and achieve the friendly, trendy state of equilibrium between naughty and nice that can only be attained through atonement.
Despite popular belief, atonement is more than just an Oscar-nominated film starring that transgression-free vixen Keira Knightley. If you’re wondering how the esteemed Brit beauty rid herself of all wrongdoing, the answer is simple. The star of such films as “The Jacket”, and “Domino” frequently engages in the most effective slate-cleansing practice, known as fasting. Other famous fasters include Gandhi and pre-pregnancy Nicole Richie.
Fasting, put simply, is the act of not eating in the hopes that the lord will think you’re a good person because you’ve chosen to deprive yourself of such a simple pleasure in order to fool him/her. Depending on your religion, fasting only works in the riddance of iniquity on several instances throughout the year. If you just so happen to be of the Jewish faith not eating from sundown to sundown on Yom Kippur or “The Day of Atonement” erases all wrongdoing that you’ve engaged in over the past year. So whether you eat meat and dairy together on a Friday or molest children on Wednesday, as long as you don’t eat on this one day you can feel good about yourself again and start anew on this year’s docket of depravity, knowing full well all you have to do is make it to the next “Day of Atonement.”
Some celebrities rife with sin attempt other methods of achieving atonement. Don Henley originally wrote the song “Heart of The Matter” from his 1989 album The End of The Innocence in an attempt to garner favor with his lord and savior during lent. The vocals were peppered with mentions of “atonement”, but Henley’s record label didn’t think the lyrics were catchy enough and replaced that word with the more populous term “forgiveness”. Needless to say, Henley wasn’t forgiven, he rejoined The Eagles and subsequently caused hell to freeze over.
Even though writing a song about atonement seems like a relatively painless way to get off scot-free, not everyone possesses the means to do so. That’s why it’ll always be friendly and trendy to fast in order to achieve the ultimate level of atonement. Your deity will thank you…and so will your guilty conscience.
Double, Double, Toil and Trouble Witches of Trendwick! Are you experiencing difficulty casting spells because the words on the page don’t look like the words you’re trying to say? Well, language can be a very tricky thing, and while you may know exactly what you’re trying to say, sometimes spelling it out can be a hassle. That is until now, because the latest friendly and trendy movement in language is to spell things phonetically.
That’s right, it’s time to throw all of those spelling rules you learned in grade school out the door and replace them with the spelling roolz yu lurnd in greyd skool. Thanks to a growing moovment mor and mor inglish speekurs are replaysing the tradishonal spellings of wurdz with onez that look more like the wurdz they’re trying 2 say, compleetly ignoring the fact that most wurdz are mayd up of rootz that help peepul figger out what thoze wurdz meen.
The funetticks moovment was startid by late teevee honcho Aaron Spelling, who was frekwintly jokingly asked by his frendz too spell thingz for them. Fed up by peepul allwayz assooming he was as good as a dikshunnairy becaws of his last naym, Spelling began duhmanding scriptz for his hit shows yoos ownlee funetticks. This methud beecaym such a big hit with his yung acturz, many of hoom were unedjucated and didint know the diffrents anyway. When shows like “Dynasty” and “Beverly Hills 90210” cawt on with yooth awdiences, menny of the yung stars wood go 2 skools and preech abowt the valyoo of litterassy. Offen times menny of the mutteerials they yoosed too suppliment theyr tawk contaynd heeps of miss spellingz, but sinz Linda Evans, Ian Ziering and Gabrielle Carteris wurr more famous than Merriam-Webster’s Dictionary in most hy skools, the kidz gravuhtaydid towurdz the noo spellingz and thus spelling funettickly cawt on.
When 90210 went off the air in 2000 there were not many young stars touring the high school circuit teaching the value of a good education. With English teachers back at the helm, the importance of word origins and roots re-emerged, turning the National Spelling Bee into a premiere sporting event on par with the Super Bowl. They even made a documentary on it. However, with the announcement of the spinoff show touting Spelling’s fayvuhrit zip coad, spelling funettickly is wuntz more in vowg with tha kidz…and when the kidz are down with sumthing, it makes it mor frendly and trendy than ever.
Times are tough. It seems like you can’t fashion a welfare check into a crude paper airplane and throw it without it poking an unemployed person in the eye. With the jobless rate nearing an all-time high and an economy that’s in the dumps, we here at the Trendliest think the best course of action regarding the running of “the rat race” is to simply quit it. That’s right, rather than scanning the want ads for a job in the service industry or as a backup quarterback-that you have no desire to fulfill- the friendly and trendy thing to do is announce your retirement!
Moses Gives An Impassioned Retirement Speech to A Throng of Shocked Followers
Retirement has been an alien concept for the majority of civilization. In ancient times, most professional careers ended at the onset of a public stoning, enslavement by invading parties or leprosy. The first influential retiree was none other than Moses, who upon leading the Jews out of Egypt; parting the Red Sea for them; and giving them The Ten Commandments at Mount Sinai, decided that he’d already done his relatively thankless job to the best of his abilities, and that there was nothing left to accomplish as God’s instrument. He happily handed his hebrew leading reins over to Aaron who took them the most of the rest of the way to the promised land.
Brett Favre Gives an Impassioned Retirement Speech To Frenzied Fan Base
The story of Moses’ retirement still carries some weight today as it was the inspiration for Brett Favre’s decision in March of ’08 to retire as the star quarterback of the Green Bay Packers, whom some have dubbed “the Hebrews of the NFL.” Favre had led the Packers out of the unholy land of mediocrity (although they occasionally returned to visit) having done his job to the best of his abilities while surpassing all of Moses’ passing records. His retirement effectively handed the reins of the team to Aaron Rodgers and allowed Favre the opportunity to fade quietly into the past whilst perched happily atop the NFL’s version of Mt. Sinai (a sure induction into the Hall of Fame).
As trendly as quitting the rat race can be, if you find your AARP membership benefits to be unrewarding, you always have the option of asking for your old job back provided you had a job in the first place. While there’s no guarantee that your employers haven’t moved on to the new hotshot CEO or Janitor, the odds are if you act disgruntled enough they’ll “trade” you to another job where you’ll be unjustifiably hailed as that company’s new savior despite the fact that you were totally overrated at your old company and you’re getting up there in years. Hey, sometimes it’s just nice to be wanted…and there’s nothing trendlier than tricking people into thinking you’re worth the trouble.