Every once in a while something so hop and hot comes along that it defies explanation and makes us view the world in an entirely different light when it comes to just what qualifies as both friendly and trendy. Previous powerful and puzzling examples along these lines include Crocs, Crystal Meth, and the music of Huey Lewis & The News. However, seeing as we pride ourselves on being your friendly guide to the latest trends we here at Trendliest are going to do our damnedest to explain the latest trend in portable TV technology, the resurgence of The Watchman or if we were to take the plural form, “Watchmen.”
Unless you live in a cave, the area you live in has more likely than not been inundated with confusing advertisements featuring costume clad beings hyping the release of the rehash of this electronic wonder first released by the Sony Company in 1982 in Japan. The original Japanese prototype was a man who wore 8 watches on each arm and constantly updated the time in funny voices. However, Sony soon realized there was no way to replicate this in their factory and instead focused on another definition of the word “watch” noting that people like to “watch” TV.
The new and improved Watchman made it’s debut in Europe and the United States in 1984 and the public went absolutely gaga over it. People were hungry for a televisual aid not quite the length of the average man’s penis that they could tote along with them just in case they weren’t going to make it home to catch their favorite local news telecast or reruns of “Too Close For Comfort.” Watchmen also became excellent time killers for those who were made impatient by the mere thought of waiting on lines, due to the fact that they were illiterate and would have no other means to entertain themselves other than shouting obscenities at passers by as they waited on line to dance at the Palladium.
The pocket tv phenomenon began to peter out in the 90’s well before the advances of HDTV, wireless internet, and the ability to watch all of your favorite shows on your iPod, but it’s inexplicably all the rage yet again even with the switch over to digital television. Apparently some merchandising brainiacs over at Warner Bros. thought it would be a wonderful idea to license the former fad and re-release it accompanied by a massive marketing campaign. As it turns out their hunch was right on the money. Watchmen were released this weekend to a clamoring public who ate up the seemingly obsolete innovation to the tune of $55.4 million. While there have been a few glitches in the technology such as causing users to turn blue or have their facial features shift around while gazing at such a tiny screen, the reviews have been largely positive.
We here at Trendliest didn’t exactly head down to the Circuit City and snatch one up one of these “Watchmen” to see what all of the fuss is about, but we’re going back to our childhood home this weekend to try to dig our old one up and sell it on ebay…because that’s where the real money is…and in this economy anything that can net us the real money is certainly friendly and trendy.
Howdy, friendly trendy blue collar folk. Are you too busy working your fingers to the bone and putting food on your table for your family to keep up with the Kardashians? Well, don’t let Khloe, Kim, Kara, Karl, Kami, Karter, Kevlar, and Brody do all of the partying. Drop the hero act and get with zero pack. After all, the family that does nothing productive for society is the family that gets the most endorsement money. Are we right or are we right? (We know we’re right.) While you’re working the assembly line those “talented” kids are busy working the Conga line and still making much more loot than you ever will…unless you take advantage of a little friendly trend we’d like to call Unemployment.
Unemployment is the sole reason all of the children of famous people have more than enough free time to partake in glamorous events like making their own sex tapes, dancing with the stars, walking the Grammy Red Carpet and filming a reality show for E! Think about it, if you didn’t have that pesky job, you could be skiing the Swiss Alps (until your money ran out assuming you decided not to pay your rent), writing a blog like this, or spending the entirety of your day doling out your previously hard earned cash at the local strip club away from they watchful eye of your wife and kids, but delightfully close to a beautiful woman named Sapphire.
There’s never been a better time to reap the benefits of Funemployment™ as corporations around the world are eager to get all their once employees a chance to live the life of the rich and famous, in essence saying, “Hey Brody! Get out of here. Go out and have a blast,” by terminating the jobs of their workers. And with unemployment levels at their highest rate since the early 1990’s, millions upon millions of former workers are experiencing the good life that comes with standing on that unemployment line in the hopes that it will eventually be lined with paparazzi clamoring to take fabulous photos of the “less is more” fortunate.
The best part of Funemployment! is the pay. While it’s true you’d probably get substantially less than you originally made when you still had a job, you never had the time to enjoy all that cash you were making anyway. Raking in less coin just means you’ll value the things you spend every last precious penny on provided it has nothing to do with providing for your family. Seriously, there’s nothing friendly and trendy about free time, if you’ve gotta worry about serious issues like bills and rent. That’s why we call it Funemployment!
Greetings Trendsferatus! Do you have a genuine thirst for blood and opulence even though you’re not an ambulance chasing lawyer? Do you long to suck the life out of trends until they’re pale, lacking plasma and destined to live forever? If this sounds like you, then you’re already well on your way to taking part in the latest friendly trend, being a vampire.
Seems like you can’t consume any media these days without crossing paths with these creatures of the night. Whether you’re watching children’s television in the morning, trying to see Anna Paquin get naked on HBO in prime time or even reading an erotic teen novel before bedtime, the antics of these bloodthirsty beasts have taken over our culture with their Eastern European accents and general disdain for reflections.
Despite the current frenzy being caused by these hemoglobin-hunting horrors, the proliferation of the ‘pire is nothing new; Bram Stoker’s Dracula was the very first documented fictional vampire dating back to the 1800’s. In actuality, his character was based on 15th Century Romanian Royal, Vlad The Impaler, who was infamous for accidentally drawing blood while fellating male houseguests. Stoker‘s publishers were so horrified by the original draft depicting his homosexual hero that they insisted the author change the main character from a princely Transylvanian with a penchant for counting to ten and a knack for mangling man-parts into a Gary Oldman-ish, saber-toothed seductor draining dames of their plasma and platelets.
This printed legend of Dracula has allowed the Vampire fad to live on for centuries. It’s biggest obstacle was presented in the 1990’s as the pop culture world became a veritable battleground for these mythical monsters. Anne Rice was writing multiple novels about handsome bloodsuckers as vehicles for Tom Cruise, Kirsten Dunst, and Brad Pitt; while Sarah Michelle Gellar, Kristy Swanson, and Wesley Snipes combined efforts to put their kind to an end. For a while it seemed like the slayers would put a stake through the heart of this fad with a musical episode or two, but the star power of the vampires won out.
As we speak there are at least three vampire vehicles out there lurking in the night. They move fast, they air late and before you know it, the public gets bitten and thirsts for even more. We here at Trendliest recommend you hop on this trend quickly, because in as short a time as it takes for the next sunrise, Vampire-chic could crumble to dust. So gel up that widow’s peak, sharpen those teeth, and load some songs from The Cure onto your iPod — because being a vampire doesn’t suck, unless you want it to.
Double, Double, Toil and Trouble Witches of Trendwick! Are you experiencing difficulty casting spells because the words on the page don’t look like the words you’re trying to say? Well, language can be a very tricky thing, and while you may know exactly what you’re trying to say, sometimes spelling it out can be a hassle. That is until now, because the latest friendly and trendy movement in language is to spell things phonetically.
That’s right, it’s time to throw all of those spelling rules you learned in grade school out the door and replace them with the spelling roolz yu lurnd in greyd skool. Thanks to a growing moovment mor and mor inglish speekurs are replaysing the tradishonal spellings of wurdz with onez that look more like the wurdz they’re trying 2 say, compleetly ignoring the fact that most wurdz are mayd up of rootz that help peepul figger out what thoze wurdz meen.
The funetticks moovment was startid by late teevee honcho Aaron Spelling, who was frekwintly jokingly asked by his frendz too spell thingz for them. Fed up by peepul allwayz assooming he was as good as a dikshunnairy becaws of his last naym, Spelling began duhmanding scriptz for his hit shows yoos ownlee funetticks. This methud beecaym such a big hit with his yung acturz, many of hoom were unedjucated and didint know the diffrents anyway. When shows like “Dynasty” and “Beverly Hills 90210” cawt on with yooth awdiences, menny of the yung stars wood go 2 skools and preech abowt the valyoo of litterassy. Offen times menny of the mutteerials they yoosed too suppliment theyr tawk contaynd heeps of miss spellingz, but sinz Linda Evans, Ian Ziering and Gabrielle Carteris wurr more famous than Merriam-Webster’s Dictionary in most hy skools, the kidz gravuhtaydid towurdz the noo spellingz and thus spelling funettickly cawt on.
When 90210 went off the air in 2000 there were not many young stars touring the high school circuit teaching the value of a good education. With English teachers back at the helm, the importance of word origins and roots re-emerged, turning the National Spelling Bee into a premiere sporting event on par with the Super Bowl. They even made a documentary on it. However, with the announcement of the spinoff show touting Spelling’s fayvuhrit zip coad, spelling funettickly is wuntz more in vowg with tha kidz…and when the kidz are down with sumthing, it makes it mor frendly and trendy than ever.
Greetings trendspiring actors and actresses! Have you had a major role on a made-for-TV movie, feature film, or perhaps just sat in the first row during a taping of “The Maury Povich show”? If you said yes, you’re probably all ready a huge or dim, flickering star. Well, now that you’ve shown your chops and had the chance to shine on the big screen, small screen, or as part of a live studio audience, isn’t about time you made the next logical leap in worldwide media domination?
Of course it is! And once you’ve gotten your fill of beautifying the world visually with your “acting”, there’s no trendlier move to cement your celebrity status than by adding some sweet, sweet music to your already impressive entertainment resume by releasing an album of mediocre to bad, upbeat pop songs.
Most people are unaware that being a media double threat is as old as the moving picture itself. Fred Ott, the star of Thomas Edison’s famous 1880’s short film of a man sneezing, parlayed his fame and recognition into a long and fruitful musical career as banjoist and lead vocalist for Booger Freddy and The Sneezers- Menlo Park, NJs premiere Bluegrass outfit and winner of seven Grammy awards.
Freddy of Freddy and The Sneezers in Action
While Freddy may have been the first to achieve such a feat, he left ample footprints for many on screen celebrities to follow in. In the 1950’s people like Doris Day and Frank Sinatra transitioned seamlessly back and forth between film and music, much like Will Smith does today. Perhaps the biggest success of the era was King Kong siren and scream queen Fay Wray who put out an entire 78 of shrieks that served as a musical precursor to punk rock.
Punk Pioneer Fay Wray
Today there’s an entirely new era of TV talent clamoring for record industry success. Super talents like Don Johnson, Heidi Montag, Hayden Panetierre, Lindsay Lohan, and Hillary Duff often leave their careers as superstars of the “Boobs tube” to pursue the secondary drama club dream of using space-aged “Studio Magic” and a talented slew of European songwriters to dutifully perform innocuous, meaningless songs in front of scores of shrieking teen fans who in the following years will wonder what they were thinking.
Ms. Montag: Scary/Talented
Either way, these stars will have made a boatload of money…and really what’s trendlier than earning heaps of money by exploiting kids who have yet to form personalities and don’t know any better than to buy your music because they envy you for no apparent reason…and then using that money to have three breast augmentation surgeries.
Greetings Trendly nation! Do you like animation? Do you like bizarre game shows? How about laughing at people who are different than you because they say things with an accent and don’t necessarily have a rudimentary understanding of your language? Well, then making light of Japanese culture is certainly a friendly trend that you can get on board with.
Yes, Americans have been enjoying Japanese culture since an unknown wall street banker enjoyed his first rolls of Sushi after an all night cocaine binge back in 1982. Prior to that, the only things about Japan Americans celebrated had something to do with a giant mushroom cloud or their fancy new CD player. Since then, major multi-national corporations and people all over the United States have caught on to the fact that Japanese people are amusing and that exploiting their culture is a relatively harmless practice.
Disembodied Japanese Heads Rank High On The Fun-o-meter
Companies like Six Flags with their “more flags more fun” ad campaign, The Food Network and FOX with their adaptations of Japanese game shows have done a wonderful job of co-opting the fun things about Japanese culture, such as their penchant for utilizing the appeal of shouting, disembodied heads; zapping all of the personality out of them by using them for monetary gain even though their quirkiness and excitability doesn’t necessarily translate into the culture of the particular country they inhabit.
Pikachu: “Collect Me, I Love You”
There have been a few cases, such as Pokemon and Nintendo, where Japanese culture has been translated successfully into American culture. However, both of those instances were undertaken with the guidance of Japanese businesses with the aim of exploiting the American population for their own commercial gain and VIP seating at Karaoke bars…which is not trendly. The last time America let that happen was with Belgians and the cartoon lovingly known as “The Smurfs” and we all know where that led.
The Smurfs’ Success Caused Irreparable Van Dammage
Things can only be friendly and trendly if we here in the United States co-opt other people’s culture. That way no one gets hurt and we can continue to be our blissfully ignorant selves, which the last time we checked has always been trendly.
Hey Trendlophiliacs! We know you’re probably oozing trendliness from your arteries and veins with little hope of it ever clotting, but that’s probably a good thing. Everyone on your block probably knows how trendly you are by now so when you talk, they’ll listen. That’s sure to come in handy with our next trendly career, being a film critic.
Sergei Eisenstein: An Early Target for Film Criticism and Monkey Feces
The earliest form of film criticism came courtesy of Pogo The Monkey when he attended a screening of Eisenstein’s Battleship Potemkin back in 1925. After watching the film journalists asked Pogo what he thought of the film and Pogo raised three out of his ten fingers and then proceeded to fling his feces in the director’s general direction. Everyone took this to mean Pogo was none too impressed by Eisenstein’s pioneering use of montage. The monkey confirmed his feelings about the film by stating “my cousin Zippy could do a better job directing a snuff flick.” Pogo’s caustic sensationalism was quickly rewarded by the Chicago Daily Courier, who rewarded the chimp with his very own film and entertainment column. His ten finger rating system quickly became the norm for all film criticism and often his quotes were taken out of context and used on film posters. The most famous of these incidents was on the poster for The Wizard of Oz which read, “The Wizard of Oz Is A Landmark Piece…” when the actual line from the monkey’s review said “The Wizard of Oz Is A Landmark Piece of Crap.” As a critic Pogo became so famous that a comic book called “The Critic” was written about him. That comic book was later turned into an animated TV show starring Jon Lovitz, which was widely panned and had an abbreviated run on FOX.
Jay Sherman: The Human Cartoon Manifestation of Pogo The Monkey
By the 1960’s filmgoers grew tired of the monkey’s constant negativity. Two burgeoning film critics took this as their cue, effectively harnessing man’s evolutionary progress by utilizing opposable thumbs to their advantage. Roger Ebert and Gene Siskel recognized the confusion caused by rating a film on a scale from one to ten, so they simplified it by giving movies either a “thumbs up” or “thumbs down”. Movie fans favored the ease of this kind of ratings system over Pogo’s increasingly scathing reviews. While Pogo may have died alone and penniless in the zoo never having had the fortune of seeing James Cameron’s Titanic, the practice of film criticism lives on today, thanks to his efforts.
Two Thumbs Up For Evolution!
Plenty of people who like the idea of spending all of their time in dark rooms staring at a large screens, making lists, criticizing celebrities and seeing their name in print for overstating how good the film Juno was, have taken up the cause of film criticism. People like Richard Corliss of Time Magazine and Ron Brewington of Urban Radio Network have made it their life’s work to have their names in print, lauding Tom Cruise films or imposing their opinions on a public eager to have someone tell them what’s good. Yes, If you like the idea of millions of people’s viewing habits resting whether or not you have an opinion and opposable thumbs then being a film critic (or maybe a fascist dictator) is for you.
Hello tried and true Trendliest fans. Have you recently grown a little weary of something in your life that you consider to be the least bit aesthetically undesirable? Maybe you’re still wearing a beehive hairdo (that’s so last year) or the bedroom you sleep in doesn’t look quite enough like the grandstand court at the All England Lawn Tennis Club even though it’s your dream to participate in Wimbledon. Well, we here at Trendliest think it’s time to do something nice for yourself and treat your hair and perhaps the other unsatisfactory areas of your life to the friendliest trend around- a makeover.
This Could Be Your Bedroom
Prior to the advent of television, the idea of changing something about yourself or “making it over” was an idea only associated with escaped convicts. People who got new hairstyles or attitudes were usually arrested and sent back to jail on suspicion of wrongdoing alone. All of this changed thanks to “Sonny and Cher”, who first achieved popularity as a lovable variety-show hosting singing couple, but got career makeovers when Cher morphed into a sailor-banging Academy Award-Winning drag queen and gay icon and Sonny learned how to ski.
Sonny & Cher Pre-Makeover, Post Citizen’s Arrest
One of Cher’s Many Fabulous Makeovers
Many artists followed Sonny and Cher’s example, none so successfully as Madonna who experimented with countless looks and morphed from a younger 20 something-ish dancing whore/sexual icon into an older 50-ish wrinkled dancing whore/sexual icon.
Because of Madonna and Cher’s drastic makeovers in the public eye, television executives thought that making over inanimate objects such as wardrobes, bathrooms, and straight men could be equally as appealing to audiences of popular culture. As a result, the Bravo network was founded and producers immediately got to work on making over everything in sight, starting of course with their offices, which had wallpaper that was a horrible shade of mauve that just had to go.
A Color Swatch of Bravo’s Office Wallpaper
Nowadays if you want to make over anything all you need is a gay friend, a camera crew and Ty Pennington. Luckily for us, we managed to wrangle all three of those things together yesterday, and now Trendliest has a whole new look. We hope you enjoy our makeover…we think it’s a most friendly and trendy site for formerly sore eyes.
Hello my darling trend-tellectuals, did you catch last night’s episode of Women’s Murder Club? If we know you, you probably missed it because you you were reading Nietzsche or even attending a cocktail party because you’re obviously too trendy for school. However, if you really wanted to knock our socks off with your reason for missing television’s #1 exclusively female crime dramedy, you’d hand us the holy grail of trendly excuses which is you don’t even own a television.
The trend of “not owning a television” has been around since the dawn of “The Television Era” in 1939. Back then television was an exclusive pleasure that only the upper class got to enjoy. Many of the poor masses missed out on vital moments in entertainment history such as Zippy The Wonder Dog’s Triple Flip sponsored by Parliament Cigarettes and Milton Berle’s twenty- eight minute soliloquy on the length of his penis, brought to you by Maxwell House.
However, as time wore on television became more affordable for the working class and it was a badge of honor to be able to provide one for one’s family. By the 1970’s nearly every working class family wore that badge and the television became yet another rather commonplace household item. The Boob Tube (because you could totally see boobs on it) also played a large role in increasing the knowledge base of people all over the world with educational shows like “Mutual of Omaha’s Wild Kingdom” and “The Adventures of Starsky & Hutch brought to you by the new 1971 Ford Torino”. This era was known as the Golden Age of Television, and it lasted nearly 28 years until 1998.
It was around this time that Stephen slapped Irene on the “MTV’s Real World Seattle” because Irene had accused Stephen of being gay. After this point most true intellectuals became greatly disillusioned with the world of television. A good amount of them decided to rid themselves of what they deemed the “idiot box” then and there, while most of them held on for a few more years hoping shows like “That’s So Raven” and “Elimidate Deluxe” could satisfy their need for intelligent entertainment.
Nowadays, anyone who wants to prove both their trendliness and intelligence absolutely, positively does not possess a TV. They spend most of their time frequenting bakeries, telling other people they don’t own a TV, and reading PerezHilton.com…And if they want to know what happened on last week’s Women’s Murder Club, all they have to do is watch it on ABC.com.