Hey Trendly tidy freaks. Does the thought of rough two-ply TP send your butt cheeks into a fearful frenzy? Are you anal about keeping your a-hole as immaculate as Jesus’ conception? If you regularly put cleanliness next to godliness, then we here at Trendliest recommend you get on board with our new personal hygiene lord and savior, the bidet.
The bidet is certainly not a new wrinkle in the removal of the unsightly from our undersides. In fact, the bidet dates all the way back to 17th Century France when King Louis XIV held court at Versailles. The word bidet, however, did not apply to a special kind of plumbing fixture that squirted water to clean one’s bum and undercarriage, rather it referred to Laurent Bidet, a man who squirted water like a fountain from his mouth to clean the king’s bum and undercarriage after bouts of explosive diarrhea or in the event toilet leaf was not present, which was most of the time.
While Laurent Bidet took great pride in being the first man to repeatedly restore the King’s cleanliness and therefore his godliness, there were certain drawbacks to being the King’s personal rear end wiper; most notably was the splashback. Bidet eventually went insane and told Louis, “he could shove it up his ass,” in french. As a result, he was beheaded before the court and The King took his advice to heart using Bidet’s head as his own toilet towel until he contracted some rather nasty ailments.
Determined not to relive his father’s embarrassment, Francois Bidet developed the first modern era Bidet that with the turn of a faucet blasted warm water directly to the King’s anus, thus giving him a feeling of heavenly euphoria. Young Bidet was rewarded in riches and became the Louis XIV right hand man because he himself was a lefty.
Not so remarkably, the Bidet is still a much sought after device, as it allows those on the toilet to eschew the use of paper to beautify their bottom. It is estimated that each bidet saves about 250,000 trees a year, making it a truly one of the first green gadgets. So not only does the bidet put pleasure in proclaiming your cleanliness, but as it helps save the planet it puts a little godliness in your hands at the turn of a faucet or a blast in your behind. Now that’s what we call a friendly trend.
Hello again to all of our Eco-Trendly readers, we know we covered an environmental topic yesterday, but since it’s Earth Week…we thought we’d keep the trend going (wink, wink). By the way, this blog is typed on 100% recycled binary code, because we here at Trendliest know that the hottest new environmental in-thing is going green. We are certainly proud to admit that we have been green since the day we started as evidenced by the background color for our site, but that’s not all. We also always wear green shirts, and eat grass. We even had a salad for lunch today while listening to the hot environmentally trendly band Green Day.
Yes going green is probably the easiest most helpful thing you can do for the environment. How does it work? Well by only eating and manufacturing products that utilize the color green, any of the waste produced by said products will effectively be sorta green. It’s estimated that if by the year 2014 everything we eat, drink or use is green that nearly one-third of the earth’s landfills when viewed from a spy satellite from outer space will have a sort-of greenish hue.
So, you’re probably asking, “How Do I Go Green?” Well if you’re the Incredible Hulk or Irish you’re off to a good start. St. Patrick effectively started the going green movement when he chased all of the snakes out of Ireland some time in the 16th Century and told everyone to drink green beer from now on. Each St. Patrick’s day is practically an exercise in making the environment better. Why the city of Chicago is practically the most environmentally friendly place in the world for all of the times they’ve dyed their river green.
However, if you’re not Irish all you have to do is watch Al Gore’s grammy winning documentary An Inconvenient Truth and whenever you find yourself wearing shorts on a sunny winter day make a remark about how it’s due to “global warming” while attempting to give people in liberal neighborhoods guilt trips for not signing your Greenpeace petition. There, you’ve officially gone green…and you’re officially trendly.
Hello citizens of the most trendly planet there is. Happy Earth Day. Is it hot in here or is it just us? Actually, we know why it’s a little warm in here and it’s not because we forgot to turn on the AC. The reason the entire globe is starting feel a bit like a sauna is none other than the latest environmental trend, Global Warming.
Now there’s been a lot of noise made by the likes of nearly everyone named Al (Gore, Unser Jr., Roker) saying that Global Warming is a bad thing, but in actuality it’s more part of Mother Nature and God’s plan than tofu and lead-based paint. You see, when God created the Earth about 25 years after he created and got bored with the still undiscovered Ice Planet Zektor-18 approximately 2,625 years ago…he made an unspoken, unwritten pact with mankind that when life on Earth started out, the people would have seasons so they would know what beauty and accomplishment could come from the hardship and terror of having to survive a long winter.
At the same time he silently declared that if man worked hard, progressed and became industrious enough to build large machines and create complex chemical compounds that could eat away at the thin layer of atmosphere called “Ozone” that separated humans from their divine benefactor in heaven, the lord would reward the human beings for their toil with a constant tropical climate. Every child would get a talking parrot and the polar ice caps would melt turning the majority of the earth into a great big pool for what he silently dubbed “swimmy time.”
As the polar ice caps slowly begin to melt, we see that thanks to our hard work the lord’s ultimate plan for turning the Earth into a tropical paradise is well underway. This is not a time to fear for our future and the future of our planet, but to embrace the friendly trend that is global warming and prepare for the ultimate in tropical relaxation. So get out of your hybrid car (ugh so last year) and get thee to a gym, because when Global Warming reaches it’s final stage you better have a nice bod for all of that time you’ll be spending in a bathing suit.