Greetings Trendsferatus! Do you have a genuine thirst for blood and opulence even though you’re not an ambulance chasing lawyer? Do you long to suck the life out of trends until they’re pale, lacking plasma and destined to live forever? If this sounds like you, then you’re already well on your way to taking part in the latest friendly trend, being a vampire.
Seems like you can’t consume any media these days without crossing paths with these creatures of the night. Whether you’re watching children’s television in the morning, trying to see Anna Paquin get naked on HBO in prime time or even reading an erotic teen novel before bedtime, the antics of these bloodthirsty beasts have taken over our culture with their Eastern European accents and general disdain for reflections.
Despite the current frenzy being caused by these hemoglobin-hunting horrors, the proliferation of the ‘pire is nothing new; Bram Stoker’s Dracula was the very first documented fictional vampire dating back to the 1800’s. In actuality, his character was based on 15th Century Romanian Royal, Vlad The Impaler, who was infamous for accidentally drawing blood while fellating male houseguests. Stoker‘s publishers were so horrified by the original draft depicting his homosexual hero that they insisted the author change the main character from a princely Transylvanian with a penchant for counting to ten and a knack for mangling man-parts into a Gary Oldman-ish, saber-toothed seductor draining dames of their plasma and platelets.
This printed legend of Dracula has allowed the Vampire fad to live on for centuries. It’s biggest obstacle was presented in the 1990’s as the pop culture world became a veritable battleground for these mythical monsters. Anne Rice was writing multiple novels about handsome bloodsuckers as vehicles for Tom Cruise, Kirsten Dunst, and Brad Pitt; while Sarah Michelle Gellar, Kristy Swanson, and Wesley Snipes combined efforts to put their kind to an end. For a while it seemed like the slayers would put a stake through the heart of this fad with a musical episode or two, but the star power of the vampires won out.
As we speak there are at least three vampire vehicles out there lurking in the night. They move fast, they air late and before you know it, the public gets bitten and thirsts for even more. We here at Trendliest recommend you hop on this trend quickly, because in as short a time as it takes for the next sunrise, Vampire-chic could crumble to dust. So gel up that widow’s peak, sharpen those teeth, and load some songs from The Cure onto your iPod — because being a vampire doesn’t suck, unless you want it to.
Greetings trendspiring actors and actresses! Have you had a major role on a made-for-TV movie, feature film, or perhaps just sat in the first row during a taping of “The Maury Povich show”? If you said yes, you’re probably all ready a huge or dim, flickering star. Well, now that you’ve shown your chops and had the chance to shine on the big screen, small screen, or as part of a live studio audience, isn’t about time you made the next logical leap in worldwide media domination?
Of course it is! And once you’ve gotten your fill of beautifying the world visually with your “acting”, there’s no trendlier move to cement your celebrity status than by adding some sweet, sweet music to your already impressive entertainment resume by releasing an album of mediocre to bad, upbeat pop songs.
Most people are unaware that being a media double threat is as old as the moving picture itself. Fred Ott, the star of Thomas Edison’s famous 1880’s short film of a man sneezing, parlayed his fame and recognition into a long and fruitful musical career as banjoist and lead vocalist for Booger Freddy and The Sneezers- Menlo Park, NJs premiere Bluegrass outfit and winner of seven Grammy awards.
Freddy of Freddy and The Sneezers in Action
While Freddy may have been the first to achieve such a feat, he left ample footprints for many on screen celebrities to follow in. In the 1950’s people like Doris Day and Frank Sinatra transitioned seamlessly back and forth between film and music, much like Will Smith does today. Perhaps the biggest success of the era was King Kong siren and scream queen Fay Wray who put out an entire 78 of shrieks that served as a musical precursor to punk rock.
Punk Pioneer Fay Wray
Today there’s an entirely new era of TV talent clamoring for record industry success. Super talents like Don Johnson, Heidi Montag, Hayden Panetierre, Lindsay Lohan, and Hillary Duff often leave their careers as superstars of the “Boobs tube” to pursue the secondary drama club dream of using space-aged “Studio Magic” and a talented slew of European songwriters to dutifully perform innocuous, meaningless songs in front of scores of shrieking teen fans who in the following years will wonder what they were thinking.
Ms. Montag: Scary/Talented
Either way, these stars will have made a boatload of money…and really what’s trendlier than earning heaps of money by exploiting kids who have yet to form personalities and don’t know any better than to buy your music because they envy you for no apparent reason…and then using that money to have three breast augmentation surgeries.
Hey Trendlophiliacs! We know you’re probably oozing trendliness from your arteries and veins with little hope of it ever clotting, but that’s probably a good thing. Everyone on your block probably knows how trendly you are by now so when you talk, they’ll listen. That’s sure to come in handy with our next trendly career, being a film critic.
Sergei Eisenstein: An Early Target for Film Criticism and Monkey Feces
The earliest form of film criticism came courtesy of Pogo The Monkey when he attended a screening of Eisenstein’s Battleship Potemkin back in 1925. After watching the film journalists asked Pogo what he thought of the film and Pogo raised three out of his ten fingers and then proceeded to fling his feces in the director’s general direction. Everyone took this to mean Pogo was none too impressed by Eisenstein’s pioneering use of montage. The monkey confirmed his feelings about the film by stating “my cousin Zippy could do a better job directing a snuff flick.” Pogo’s caustic sensationalism was quickly rewarded by the Chicago Daily Courier, who rewarded the chimp with his very own film and entertainment column. His ten finger rating system quickly became the norm for all film criticism and often his quotes were taken out of context and used on film posters. The most famous of these incidents was on the poster for The Wizard of Oz which read, “The Wizard of Oz Is A Landmark Piece…” when the actual line from the monkey’s review said “The Wizard of Oz Is A Landmark Piece of Crap.” As a critic Pogo became so famous that a comic book called “The Critic” was written about him. That comic book was later turned into an animated TV show starring Jon Lovitz, which was widely panned and had an abbreviated run on FOX.
Jay Sherman: The Human Cartoon Manifestation of Pogo The Monkey
By the 1960’s filmgoers grew tired of the monkey’s constant negativity. Two burgeoning film critics took this as their cue, effectively harnessing man’s evolutionary progress by utilizing opposable thumbs to their advantage. Roger Ebert and Gene Siskel recognized the confusion caused by rating a film on a scale from one to ten, so they simplified it by giving movies either a “thumbs up” or “thumbs down”. Movie fans favored the ease of this kind of ratings system over Pogo’s increasingly scathing reviews. While Pogo may have died alone and penniless in the zoo never having had the fortune of seeing James Cameron’s Titanic, the practice of film criticism lives on today, thanks to his efforts.
Two Thumbs Up For Evolution!
Plenty of people who like the idea of spending all of their time in dark rooms staring at a large screens, making lists, criticizing celebrities and seeing their name in print for overstating how good the film Juno was, have taken up the cause of film criticism. People like Richard Corliss of Time Magazine and Ron Brewington of Urban Radio Network have made it their life’s work to have their names in print, lauding Tom Cruise films or imposing their opinions on a public eager to have someone tell them what’s good. Yes, If you like the idea of millions of people’s viewing habits resting whether or not you have an opinion and opposable thumbs then being a film critic (or maybe a fascist dictator) is for you.
Say Me-trend-sexuals, is it just us or is there more estrogen in the air than when a Celine Dion dance remix is playing on the radio? Or maybe that’s just the smell of Manhattan’s most prominent mixologists fixing up special Sextinis for the trendliest film event of the summer….The Sex and The City movie release.
That’s right, you can stop re-watching the DVD’s of all six seasons and taking the Sex and The City bus tour every weekend afternoon just to pass by the alley where Samantha gave that twenty-three year old hustler a hand job, because starting today multiplexes all over the country will be packed with ladies and trend-tleman eager to see their favorite show hit the big screen. Meanwhile, most bars will resemble a complete sausage fest with men blankly staring at each other wondering why there are no women around.
Yes, nearly four years have passed since the hit tv series Sex and The City took a bow and some large questions still loom. But before we get to those vital questions take a sip from your Cosmo and answer us this…Are you a Carrie or a Miranda? We here at the Trendliest totally fancy ourselves a Charlotte…you know, because we’re totally brunettes…and a little less skanky and also if you caught wind of the trailer apparently she doesn’t shave down there (wink, wink).
So what’s all the fuss about? Are you kidding? The majority of the trend tracking world spent nearly 2800 minutes over the span of six years totally watching their fave aging spinsters wear fabulous outfits as they brunched at all the Manhattans hot spots, while Carrie took her time to decide if she wanted to marry Big. Frankly, we can’t take the anticipation any longer. We’re hungry for more deliberation and by the looks of the trailer, that’s what we’re going to get. The film has a running time of nearly two and half hours. That’s almost five episodes worth of should I or shouldn’t I? We can’t wait.
Maybe after the movie ends we’lll finally have some closure and some Trendlitinis at a Jejune in the Meat Packing district. However, if Carrie decides she shouldn’t marry her hunk, that would be just fine by us because that would lead to a sequel. And if you’ve been doing your part and reading trendliest all along, you’d know sequels are trendly.