Worshippers at the altar of Trendlyism, do you believe?!?! I said, DO YOU BELIEVE? If you believe that some benevolent force from up on high has been providing you with a steady stream of life’s little miracles that are both friendly and trendy, I want you to give me an AMEN!!!
Now this trendly lord has spoken to me and he’s told me to take your hands, brothers and sisters. And he’s told me that he wants you to put that hand right up against your face, my spiritual brethren. The lord has told me if you put that hand against your face as he requested and he told me that if that hand is bigger than your face, then you may be suffering from the latest friendly trend that is brain damage!
The Lord Loves When You Get Concussions
Fear not trendly brothers and sisters, whether or not you have or have not had a nearby friend smash that hand in your face just yet, you do not ail in vain. The lord has pointed us to a new study…a new study that has linked spirituality to decreased cranial capabilities. So while you may be a little slower on the uptake than most, you’re that much closer to the friendly, trendy man upstairs.
Even after stepping down from our pulpit for a hot minute, it’s plain to see that people all around the nation have been so eager to catch onto this trend since word of the study got out that they’ve willingly subjected themselves to harsh forms of head trauma just to feel closer to the heavens above. While it’s been hell on their better judgement, millions of folks have reasoned that inflicting a painful brand of godliness upon oneself has allowed them to skip the usual pitfalls of piousness such as charity and goodwill. Getting in bike accidents whilst not wearing a helmet, taking repeated blows from blunt instruments, or even watching full episodes of Glenn Beck has become commonplace for those failing to derive any sort of gratification from their personal surroundings and relationships with others.
The 2x4: An Instrument of God
Instrument of Brain Damage and/or God
The need to adhere to a strict dogma has driven thousands of people to revel in their newly inflicted spiritual status at places of worship, hospitals, and tea parties in the name of all that is holy. Luckily, many of those who have inflicted the friendly trend of brain damage upon themselves will soon be able to seek treatment for their conditions thanks to the new healthcare bill which many of them had so religiously opposed. And even if treatment can’t save them from the prospect of life long brain damage, they’ll be blessed with so much spiritual belief that they’ve already been saved, that it really won’t matter. And to that we say, “Hallelujah!”
Do you constantly have the urge do paint your skin blue and have sex with the earth and its creatures while wearing 3D glasses? Were you disappointed on your last trip to the book store when you found out Rosetta Stone doesn’t make a Na’vi edition? Do you refer to your social skills as “Unobtainium”? Nevermind calling your psychotherapist to see what’s plaguing you, we here at your friendly guide to the latest trends, have the diagnosis and it’s got nothing to do with murder. You seem to have come down with decidedly trendly affliction known as Post-Avatar Depression.
I See You...You Appear To Be Crying
You’re not alone film fanatics. Well, okay, you’re mostly alone. Rest assured there are several others like you; those moved to the point of obsession by a cliched plot, breathtaking CGI animation and glow-in-the-dark horses with eight legs instead of four. Ever since James Cameron opened the Pandora’s box that is his multi-billion dollar grossing opus Avatar, impressionable people with nothing better to do have envisioned themselves as inhabitants of a fictional planet rich in natural beauty and ten foot-tall blue people with superior physical skills to someone who just spent three hours gorging themselves on butter-slathered popcorn.
You Could Learn To Be Just Like The Na'vi!
These human specimens who possess the rare ability to care entirely too much about an alien environment while not necessarily exhibiting any sense of urgency about their own, have taken to wallowing in the mire over the fact that they will never be able find themselves in the utopia that exists mostly in the mind of the guy who directed Piranha Part Two: The Spawning. Still, they’ve grown hostile to their fellow members of the human race who would sooner destroy natural resources than wait in line to meet Zoe Saldana at the next Comicon just to have that awkward moment when they tell her, “I see you.”
While the reality is all too disheartening, most wanNa’vis have found ways of coping with this hip film-based mental illness. For some it’s as simple as listening to Leona Lewis’s Celine Dion-esque “I See You” theme on a loop, while others have been forced to give into the realization that Avatar is just Ferngully mixed with Dances With Wolves, and still a few brave souls have pressed on living in their thin blue skin eagerly awaiting the sequel. Because, really what’s more friendly and trendy than not admitting you have a problem in the first place.
Hi ho trusty explorers of the newest trendtiers. Time and time again we here at Trendliest get proof of just how in touch (weekly) we are with the latest and greatest the world has to offer. Today we received one ever-glowing affirmation of our hipness. As you may recall last week we trumpeted the excellence of the bastard child of Britain, the Great White North if you will (and you will), otherwise known as Canada. Well, it seems our shouts from the tops of Mount Logan have not fallen upon deaf ears. They actually managed to send a piercing sound to the gargantuan antennae of the 44th President of the United States, one Barack Hussein Obama, who declared today that his premier foreign excursion as President will be up north to Canadia.
Canadian Prime Minister Wayne Gretzky
So what will President Obama do once he gets to Ottawa? Odds are he’ll meet with Prime Minister Wayne Gretzky and hold a summit on importing their superior system of healthcare, though we can’t say for sure as his agenda is currently top secret. That’s all for now, stay tuned for more Trendliness in Action.
Hey fellow believers in Trendlyism, Have you been good this year? Probably not. If you’re a God-fearing human being odds are your clothes and skin are washed in nothing but Tide and sin. Have no fear (unless it’s a rational fear of God or death) Trendliest is here to tell you how to wipe the sin off the surface of your being and achieve the friendly, trendy state of equilibrium between naughty and nice that can only be attained through atonement.
Atonement: A Movie With Very Few Food Visuals
Despite popular belief, atonement is more than just an Oscar-nominated film starring that transgression-free vixen Keira Knightley. If you’re wondering how the esteemed Brit beauty rid herself of all wrongdoing, the answer is simple. The star of such films as “The Jacket”, and “Domino” frequently engages in the most effective slate-cleansing practice, known as fasting. Other famous fasters include Gandhi and pre-pregnancy Nicole Richie.
Fasting, put simply, is the act of not eating in the hopes that the lord will think you’re a good person because you’ve chosen to deprive yourself of such a simple pleasure in order to fool him/her. Depending on your religion, fasting only works in the riddance of iniquity on several instances throughout the year. If you just so happen to be of the Jewish faith not eating from sundown to sundown on Yom Kippur or “The Day of Atonement” erases all wrongdoing that you’ve engaged in over the past year. So whether you eat meat and dairy together on a Friday or molest children on Wednesday, as long as you don’t eat on this one day you can feel good about yourself again and start anew on this year’s docket of depravity, knowing full well all you have to do is make it to the next “Day of Atonement.”
No Food On Your Plate...No Sins on Your Slate
Some celebrities rife with sin attempt other methods of achieving atonement. Don Henley originally wrote the song “Heart of The Matter” from his 1989 album The End of The Innocence in an attempt to garner favor with his lord and savior during lent. The vocals were peppered with mentions of “atonement”, but Henley’s record label didn’t think the lyrics were catchy enough and replaced that word with the more populous term “forgiveness”. Needless to say, Henley wasn’t forgiven, he rejoined The Eagles and subsequently caused hell to freeze over.
Henley: Never Truly Got To The Heart of The Matter, But Helped Destroy Hell
Even though writing a song about atonement seems like a relatively painless way to get off scot-free, not everyone possesses the means to do so. That’s why it’ll always be friendly and trendy to fast in order to achieve the ultimate level of atonement. Your deity will thank you…and so will your guilty conscience.
Hey Habitual Trend Seekers…Are you trying to wean yourself off a totally unhealthy addiction to harmful welfare, crack, or a vegan lifestyle? Have you tried patches, pills, and everything just short getting arrested and subsequently raped in prison to calm that co-dependency? The problem with those methods is they create more co-dependency. One patch begets another patch and one prison rape begets more prison rape. You get the picture. These days doctors are recommending a new old method when it comes kicking the bottle, can, or bizarre sexual kink. The latest way to cut the cord with your sinful indulgence is by using what physicians and deli owners alike are referring to as cold turkey.
You Can’t Go Cold Turkey With Tofurky
Prior to being used as a co-dependency cure-all, Cold Turkey was actually used to make a certain kind of Whiskey that went by the name “Wild Turkey”. While Cold Turkey wasn’t the active ingredient that made the whiskey drinkers go “wild”, people back then were imbeciles and thought that the floating chunks of meat saturated in alcohol were the reason they felt good. When prohibition hit and the production and distribution of “Wild Turkey” was banned, many of these avid whiskey drinkers came up with the delerium tremens. To satisfy their need for a fix, many of them took to the local turkey coup or farmers markets where they butchered these flightless birds en masse, threw their meat on ice and went to town, eating every last shred of light and dark meat. While this didn’t satisfy their fix…the former addicts became so tired due to all of the tryptophan they had ingested that some of them fell asleep for days, outlasting their bouts of the shakes and therefore shedding their alcohol dependency.
Now Available Without Turkey Chunks
However, when prohibition ended all of the former alcoholics went back on the sauce, wise to the fact that turkey bits did nothing to enhance their drunken state. Wild Turkey nearly went out of business and Jack Daniels flourished as a brand. Wild Turkey eventually adjusted by taking turkey bits out of their whiskey, and founded Butterball as a side business. Everyone pretty much forgot about the “Cold Turkey” incident until several years back when a pre-med student who just so happened to be a methadone addict was working on a report in a library came across an old newspaper headline in the New York Daily Sun, “Cold Turkey Quells Prohibition Fueled Alcoholic Rampage.”
The next time that student felt the need to shoot up…he instead went to his deli counter and bought a pound of Boars Head Cajun Smoked Turkey with Cracked Pepper ordering that they be sliced “not too thin” and ingested several slices when he returned home. He fell immediately asleep and woke up still jonesing for methadone…but quelled yet another hankering with more cold turkey until he was full and had slept a good 38 hours, missing his vital mid-terms, but at least he wasn’t doped up. The student then took his findings to his professor who then had him expelled for drug addiction and published the unnamed student’s findings in a prominent medical journal sometime around 1998.
“Inventor” of Cold Turkey Method
While the Cold Turkey theory has been circulating around the medical community for nearly ten years now, it was only recently put into practice on VH1’s hit TV show Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew, who just so happens to be the Doctor/Professor who published the original report. The show remarkably resurrected the careers of one of the Baldwin Brothers that isn’t as talented as Alec…and some guy who is apparently a very good ultimate fighter. If cold turkey is capable of rescuing those people’s lives from their addictions, whose to say it couldn’t prevent you from conquering your addiction to chocolate…or resurrecting your media based career. Wouldn’t that be trendly?
Hey fellow Trend Addicts, do you remember when we used to sing in the government yard in trend town? Neither do we, but when we finally came to we were listening to a Hot Tuna album and had orange Cool Ranch Doritos stains all over our fingers, not to mention the fact that our glaucoma was miraculously cured. We’d venture to say that it was all a result of our usage of the latest trendly health helper, medicinal marijuana.
Medicinal marijuana has been a smokin’ hot subject ever since it came up in that episode of HBO’s Entourage where Turtle tried to get laid and find a cure for cancer while something happened with Vince in a movie. However it wasn’t always such a friendly and trendy topic. According to a conspiracy theory article that may have appeared in High Times Magazine in the past several years next to a centerfold of a fern, it was the U.S. government’s discovery of the Mafia’s covert supplying of Medicinal Marijuana to Cuba that was the sole reason behind both the Cuban Missile crisis and the eventual Kennedy Assassination. They didn’t call it the “Grassy Knoll’ for nothin’. Medicinal Marijuana was also indirectly responsible for the Ricky Martin leaving Menudo…but that’s a way longer story.
In the nowadays medicinal marijuana has become quite the subject for debate. Doctors argue that it helps ease the pain of patients suffering from nerve damage and lack of desire for late night snackage, while those who oppose it think of it as a gateway to other legal medicinal cure- alls like medicinal cocaine, medicinal heroin, and medicinal Flomax. However,there’s one point that advocates and opponents alike have chosen to agree on, and that’s that medicinal marijuana makes watching the 1939 film, The Wizard of Oz while listening to Pink Floyd’s Division Bell album (start it on the 2nd MGM Lion Roar) totally “trippy”…which is most certainly trendly, but not as trendly as tasting colors…Man.
Hello my trendly menlies…isn’t life beautiful? What’s that you say? You don’t know because you can’t experience the miracle of giving birth. Well, that’s a shame. For the longest time women were so selfish that they kept the right to give life all to themselves…popping out baby after baby with ease, leaving their men with little to do but to sweep the house, and learn how to breathe so that when their wives were giving birth they could blow in their faces and make funny sounds to add comic relief to the situation as infant upon infant came sliding out.
Famous Feminist Leader P. Diddy
Not only were women in control of the child rearing industry, but since acquiring the right to vote thanks to the efforts of Susan B. Anthony and P. Diddy’s Vote or Die campaign, women have threatened to take over nearly all aspects of society. They’ve more or less trivialized men’s place in society by taking over masculine roles like high school football kicker, sexy nurse and even corporate CEO. Luckily for men, in the past few years these domineering yet reasonable leaders have lessened their hold on society allowing for the installation of a glass ceiling, so that when women find their way to the executive floor, men in middle management still get the pleasure of looking up their skirts.
Despite women ceding some of their previous roles like home maker and sexy nurse over to men, it looked like those feminists would never allow men to participate in the one thing men really long to be apart of…the miracle of life. That is until now. Yes gentlemen, your prayers have been answered with the latest Health trend…Pregmancy.
Anything You Can Do, I Can Do Better
No, that’s not a typo…The latest trend in childbirth is men putting one in the oven for nine months. Derived from the latin word pregnancy, which stems from the roots
preggers”, meaning “to have a child within” and “nancy”, meaning having “feminine qualities”…scientists simply replaced the n with an m because it was more aesthetically pleasing in terms of what they were now describing. Hence the term was born.
Inspired by the knowledge gained in documentary films such as Junior, 3 Men and A Baby and Cop and A Half as well as the episode of The Cosby Show when Cliff Huxtable gives birth to a hoagie, scientists have made it possible for men to experience the one thrill greater than watching your favorite speed skater compete in the olympics…birth.
Pudding and Pregmancy Pioneer Cosby
No longer do men have to go to the sperm bank and wait twenty or so years for an awkward knock at the door to experience the joy of having children. This is all made possible by simple procedure in which a man is born a woman and then decides that she identifies more with being a man. Said woMAN then has a sex change, but keeps her ovaries in tact. He is then impregnated by a stork, through hardcore stimulation or by the aforementioned sperm bank by a suitable donor who is both handsome and smart, but mostly in need of cash for sperm.
Pregmancy in Action…ON OPRAH!
However, it is most vital that before the baby is carried full term, said parents must appear on Oprah, so that they can be paraded around on national television like some beautiful freakshow showing how all is right with the world and how a film starring Arnold Schwarzenegger,which until now carried so little meaning paved the way for a social movement. If the latter does not occur, said family and baby is sure to languish in abject obscurity for what might end up being an entire lifetime filled with either hardship and/or happiness. At the end of the full term the man has the delight of squeezing a small being through their sex organ, known as the “mangina” not to be confused with popular european soft drink Orangina, and voila a baby is born, pioneering a new movement in child birth…and as we all know, being the first to do something is most decidedly trendly.
Hey there trend trackers. Do you have Trend Fever? Well, maybe you should consider checking out or checking up on our latest trendly health helper…doctors! As far back as March of 2008, the only way one could hope to cure seemingly harmless ailments like influenza, herpes or complications from diabetes was through the miracle of prayer. Unfortunately for most human beings, God decided to stop answering their prayers some time between the first genocide and the aforementioned date. Occasionally and quite luckily for a few human beings, Saint Peter would sometimes perform at the level of a second string goalie and allow a few errant prayers to slip through his five-hole known as the pearly gates, leaving his holiness to deal with a semi-constant barrage of heavenly errands. It was because of St. Peter’s inability to deflect these prayer pucks that his/her holiness made a landmark decision, rather than cope with this onslaught of hopes and wishes from his loyal subjects, the Lord decided he/she would delegate some responsibility…and on that day god created “doctors.”
God gave these “doctors” the means to deal with aches, pains, disease and sickness, and to make up for their lack of divinity he endowed them with what is known as a “God Complex”, which was beautifully illustrated by Alec Baldwin’s character in the film Malice. Unfortunately, for the human race, becoming a doctor requires nearly 34 years of education and therefore there are currently no official doctors. The first doctor is set to become eligible to help the public after the Spring semester at Johns Hopkins lets out sometime in May 2019. Until that day, people can see just what these “doctors” may be capable of doing by watching trendy Science Fiction programs such as “E.R.”, “Dr. Who”, “Grey’s Anatomy”, and of course the previously noted film, Malice. Who knows? Maybe by watching some fake doctors, you’ll get some real friendly health tips. How trendly!
Hey there trend following superstars, it’s your friendly trendy neighborhood Trendinista, here to tell you what’s hip and maybe even what’s hop. First of all, it’s hip to substitute the word “hop” whenever you want to say “hip”. That’s lesson one, but for lesson two we drop the P and replace it with a T to talk about something that’s literally and figuratively “hot.” I’m not talking about hell or your stove, or even the third season of Melrose Place. I’m talking about a wonderful beverage called Tea.
Drinking Tea has been “in” long before Ellen Degeneres was “out”. Rumor has it, it was developed by Chinese Asians sometime before Jesus. It’s been around almost as long as that other trendly drink, water. However, Tea doubles it’s trendliness with the simple fact that you need water to make it. How convenient!
Tea has taken a bit of a hit since the 80’s due to a conspiracy between Juan Valdez and Starbucks, who were responsible for that horribly addictive coffee beverage that makes your tummy hurt and keeps you up all night. While we don’t know who would want that over a deliciously soothing beverage with infinite flavors, we’d like to thank the Queen of England and Moby for bringing this hop hot beverage back with a vengeance.
p.s. For a special treat, try putting ice in your Tea!