Greetings trend petters and prospective owners of slithery things. Do you have the desire to woo the fairer sex with a not-so-domesticated animal, but are afraid that the ladies will think that fearsome, untrained Pit Bull you rescued from a fighting ring is entirely too adorable? Are you suffering from a harsh case of diminutive genitalia that purchasing a used Nissan Z won’t cure? Do you think most creatures in the wilderness are highly adaptable to both urban and suburban jungles ? Well, if you’re looking for a figurative cure all for your pet and pecker woes, look no further than latest friendly, trendy and ultimately scaly version of man’s best friend, the pet snake.
Yes, owning a pet snake certainly goes a long way towards making the socially and sexually inept seem a whole lot more interesting. Your three-inch one-eyed trouser snake may make you less of a man, but taking your eight-foot long python out in public on a Friday night to purposely attract attention to yourself will surely make the ladies swoon without resulting in an arrest for indecent exposure. Dogs may be able to fetch and cats are aces at laziness and manipulation, but neither of them can aid you in auto-erotic asphyxiation quite like Constricty the Boa Constrictor can.
Snakes aren’t just for insecure males compensating for loose-fitting underwear. Well-proportioned ladies can also use a serpent’s company to appear like that slutty forbidden fruit in the Garden of Eden during a rock video appearance or VMA performance. Nothing says, “look but don’t touch” or “I’m a man eating-whore that will swallow you whole,” like an actual animal that will in all probability swallow you whole if you forget to feed it.
Pet snakes also prove practical in the disposal of pesky house pests like mice, rats, or dead bodies. Paying an exterminator or using those inhumane glue traps is a thing of the past, just leave your slithery suite mate out and about for a few days and your infestation issue is a thing of the past, as is your visiting mother-in-law. Sure your cat could’ve taken care of those rats and mice, but your pet snake ate your cat too…and really what’s more friendly and trendy than being higher up on the food chain.
Hello my trendly friendlies. Do you have something to talk about, but don’t want to wait til Bonnie Raitt shows up to discuss it? Whether you’ve got a crisis a brewin’ or just some tasty new decaf mocha java, you’re going to need that special place in your casa to discuss it. While some people will happily settle for the den or that creepy garbage room in your apartment complex where it’s rumored the super disposes of the bodies of past tenants for their all important conversations, the latest friendly trend in home decor is to designate a certain space as your “Situation Room.”
The original situation room was created by Presidential hottie JFK in 1962 after the failed Bay of Pigs invasion. Unfortunately most Americans were too busy building bomb shelters, a.k.a Subterranean Life Sustaining Rooms, (SLSRs) to concentrate on making their above ground homes all the more fabulous and failed altogether to capitalize on this trend.
In the year 2002, the Panic Room named after the David Fincher film of the same name, became a short-lived trend in home design. Most families, however, never had occasion to protect Jodie Foster from determined thieves and thus quickly dismantled their secure havens.
Then, on one shiny summer evening in 2005 CNN debuted their program The Situation Room…and slowly but surely “Situation Rooms” have been popping up in homes all over the world ever since. The majority of these rooms come equipped with a minimum of six chairs and a huge touch-screen map that comes in handy for training your kids for impending punditry or just planning that long-awaited family vacation. And if you chip in a few extra bucks we’re sure your interior decorator just might include an animatronic Wolf Blitzer. Being prepared for any sitch and having a robot celebrity in your home, what’s more friendly and trendy than that?