Greetings citizens of the United States of Trendmerica! How bout those Olympics? Did you enjoy seeing Bode Miller and Lindsey Vonn glide down slopes to victory on tape delay? Did watching Apolo Anton Ohno take out two South Korean skaters to capture bronze give you a good old fashion heart attack of patriotism. Was there a tear streaming down your cheek each time you saw the red, white and blue perched high above that first place podium as the instrumental version of the National Anthem blared proudly above an athlete birthed in the lower 48? Well, you’re not alone. From February 12-28th of 2010 there was no better form of escapism from your lack of employment or health care than taking two and a half weeks to engage in the latest friendly trend known as blind nationalism.
Yes, ladies and trend-tleman while other nations may have stronger economies and a better education system, we Americans took comfort knowing that some guy from Illinois executed a triple lutz better than a guy that comes from a country your children can’t locate on a map; not for any personal glory, but just so people from his own nation would be proud of him.
What’s a triple lutz anyway? Who cares? We Americans can do anything we set our minds to unless it involves Ski Jumping or Curling. USA! USA!
While the Olympics is marketed as the ultimate coming together of nations for or a place for international athletes to totally get it on; the folks at home use it as a rallying point to show their superiority even if they live in a country that limits the rights of their minorities by placing bans on the types of clothing they wear, religious symbols they can erect or simply is responsible for giving the world Nickelback. What better way to lose focus on issues that plague ones nation than to pretend they don’t exist for two and a half weeks because someone can move really fast when there is ice beneath them.
Unfortunately, this friendly trend of completely warranted pride in one’s homeland comes with an expiration date. After the week or so of Olympic medalist talk show appearances, sports fans and people who enjoy seeing the distribution of precious metals to others beneath their flag, have to wait another few years before really feeling good about where they are living or where they were born.
But you know what they say, everything old is new again, and fortunately for our trend-lympians, we know the exact date that blind nationalism will be friendly and trendy yet again. Here’s looking at you London 2012.
Greetings troopers of the 82nd Trendliest Infantry division! General Trendkopf here demanding you put down those pistols, beat your swords into plowshares and replace those revolvers with roses. All of those sophisticated modes of weaponry are decidedly out of date. The friendly, trendy new way to get your battle on and your point across is not to gear up with guns, but to unlace your loafers and let ’em fly.
Ever since the events of this past week, when Iraqi journalist Muntadhar al-Zeidi attempted the first Presidential shoe-sassination, military defense contractors at Halliburton have been hard at work with the economically-minded pump producers at Payless, developing the ultimate surface-to-groin missile that will surely put the United States ahead in the foot race.
The United States isn’t the only national superpower anxious to dub itself a Shoe-per power. China and India are right up there with over a billion pairs of shoes each aimed in the general direction of almost every country in the world. The United States’ standing as a world leader is secure though, thanks in large part to a fleet female fighting force each brandishing on average up to 14 pairs of the trendly new weapon in a variety of different styles and colors that are designed to compliment a variety of different regulation fatigues and battle situations.
The fact that President Bush avoided being struck by both of al-Zeidi’s size 10’s is a big reason for World War III not breaking out. Also, the Italian economy has seen quite a boost from the event as the world’s governments have sought out the finest in Italian leather footwear from likes of Salvatore Ferragamo and Prada to equip their armies.
While the World may not yet be embroiled in a melee of moccasins, the irate Iraqi has inspired a few “Shoe d’etats” in 3rd world countries like Sri Lanka and The Island of Cuervo Nation. The new method of warfare has also prompted constitutional enthusiast Ron Paul to lobby for a change in the 2nd amendment to include the right to bear dock-siders.
The dramatic shift in tensions has created a new world order that foreign relations experts predict could result in increased violence. On the upside, the death toll is likely to reduce 85%, but there might still be a lot of black and blue marks and scuffed up wing tips. We’ll take that over a high death toll any day. So the next time you want to take your guns to town, take a look down and realize that you’re armed to the feet and let the friendly, trendy battle begin.