Witnesses for the trend-secution, do you SWEAR to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth so help you blog? You do? Good, now place your hand on a copy of the Bible, Torah, Koran, Bhagavad Gita, or The Secret and say that all again because with all the swearing you’re going to be doing it’s going to be necessary to carry the Holy Book of your choice at all times seeing as Swearing is the hottest and friendliest trend currently sweeping the nation.
The verb “to swear” has had a short and rather glorious history. It was derived from the surname of Charles F. Swayer, a teacher in 19th Century Britain. Swayer was not a very good teacher due to the fact that he was not well-versed in virtually anything factual. Often times whilst giving a lesson his students would mumble the word “bollocks” under their collective breath and sometimes out loud. This incensed the educator and he demanded that whenever a student uttered such heinous word they pay a one shilling penalty by placing a coin on a designated plate on his desk. This “Swayer plate” was a huge failure due to the fact that when one student would come up to place a shilling on the plate, they’d inevitably take another one back.
It was for this sole reason that Swayer was moved to invent the “jar”. By having his students put their coins in a round, covered receptacle with a slit for change on top, his class could less obviously reimburse themselves with the shillings of others. Not only did this invention revolutionize the teaching field, but went on to influence parenting as adults everywhere caught on to the Swayer Jar. However, when the practice crossed the Atlantic and was adapted by Americans soon after, the name somehow was turned into the Swear Jar and the actual word that was once just a surname was perverted to mean multiple things, ranging from a promise to an expletive.
While the act of swearing has been long frowned upon by jar-wielding parents across the nation, ever since Barack Obama was sworn in as America’s 44th President, it’s more or less become an epidemic. Everyone including Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, dock workers in Detroit, Christian Bale on the set of Terminator 4, engaged couples in Des Moines, expert witnesses in double murder trials, and Dane Cook have been uttering a variety of magical words including “I do”, “I will”, and seven words we can’t say on this blog even though we’re not exactly policed by the FCC. Whether we can say them or not, doesn’t make them any less trendly. We promise.
Double, Double, Toil and Trouble Witches of Trendwick! Are you experiencing difficulty casting spells because the words on the page don’t look like the words you’re trying to say? Well, language can be a very tricky thing, and while you may know exactly what you’re trying to say, sometimes spelling it out can be a hassle. That is until now, because the latest friendly and trendy movement in language is to spell things phonetically.
That’s right, it’s time to throw all of those spelling rules you learned in grade school out the door and replace them with the spelling roolz yu lurnd in greyd skool. Thanks to a growing moovment mor and mor inglish speekurs are replaysing the tradishonal spellings of wurdz with onez that look more like the wurdz they’re trying 2 say, compleetly ignoring the fact that most wurdz are mayd up of rootz that help peepul figger out what thoze wurdz meen.
The funetticks moovment was startid by late teevee honcho Aaron Spelling, who was frekwintly jokingly asked by his frendz too spell thingz for them. Fed up by peepul allwayz assooming he was as good as a dikshunnairy becaws of his last naym, Spelling began duhmanding scriptz for his hit shows yoos ownlee funetticks. This methud beecaym such a big hit with his yung acturz, many of hoom were unedjucated and didint know the diffrents anyway. When shows like “Dynasty” and “Beverly Hills 90210” cawt on with yooth awdiences, menny of the yung stars wood go 2 skools and preech abowt the valyoo of litterassy. Offen times menny of the mutteerials they yoosed too suppliment theyr tawk contaynd heeps of miss spellingz, but sinz Linda Evans, Ian Ziering and Gabrielle Carteris wurr more famous than Merriam-Webster’s Dictionary in most hy skools, the kidz gravuhtaydid towurdz the noo spellingz and thus spelling funettickly cawt on.
When 90210 went off the air in 2000 there were not many young stars touring the high school circuit teaching the value of a good education. With English teachers back at the helm, the importance of word origins and roots re-emerged, turning the National Spelling Bee into a premiere sporting event on par with the Super Bowl. They even made a documentary on it. However, with the announcement of the spinoff show touting Spelling’s fayvuhrit zip coad, spelling funettickly is wuntz more in vowg with tha kidz…and when the kidz are down with sumthing, it makes it mor frendly and trendy than ever.
With all the craziness that’s going on in the world, who has time to write complete sentences? Why writing that last thought took up a whole 14 seconds of my precious time. Even complete phrases are so LY or 5ma depending on who you ST. Thankz to AOLIM and txt msging everyone’s getting the hang of speaking in abbrevs. Even ur mom is using the abbrevs. That’s why we here at the trndlst are throwing our support behind this most useful of trends. Besides, if you find yourself still speaking in complete sentences in 5 years, you’re going to be a TL, that’s total loser to us trendly folks.
If reading this post took too long here’s the abbrev’d 120 letter version.
WATCTGOITW, WHTTWCS? WWTLTTUAW14SOMPT. ECPASLYO5MADOWYST. TTAOLIMNTM, EGTHOSIA. EURMIUTA. TWWHATTATTOSBTMUOT. B, IYFYSSICSI5Y, YGTBATL, TTLTUTF.