Originally invented to bring the magic of the high seas and the joy of almost drowning to land locked areas like Nebraska and Hawaii, as well as to teach potential Cuban refugees how to survive the short trip to Miami; wave pools are an effective way to simulate your day at the beach without worrying about getting sand in your crack or falling victim to a vicious dolphin attack. Swim enthusiasts don’t even have to worry about easing into chilly water beyond their precious privates, because these faux-ceans (that’s fake oceans) are heated; if not by a big fancy pool heater, by the constant stream of urine being emptied into the water by scores of unconcerned children and incontinent adults. Wave warriors can even take their long boards out and hang ten in the pool pipeline, provided they’re skilled at evading toddlers. The best part is, there’s no need to check the daily surf report because, get this, the waves are adjustable! So whether you’re just a beginner in the blue crush or you’re ready to tackle a tsunami, the wave pool is the trendliest place to get wet this summer.
Attention Trendly shoppers! There’s only 22 shopping days left until Christmas. That’s 525 hours you can spend watching TV in preparation for three hours of high-octane, full-contact shopping. After all, we wouldn’t want you to miss those marathons of “Law And Order: Missing Puppy Unit” and “House M.D.” you’ve been so eagerly awaiting. So with such little time left to tackle the task of finding that special something for those special someones, what’s a friendly, trendy person such as yourself to do?
Well, you could buy heaps of magazines and read their ‘Top 10 Things You Can’t Afford But Should Buy Your Loved One Anyway” lists, though that could certainly put a hurting on your cash flow, which is a big no-no when you consider how en vogue it is to be a cheapskate this season. So to help stay more in touch with the times, we here at Trendliest have come up with our own friendly, trendy list of the hottest gifts of the giving season.
So without any further ado, The Trendliest 2008 Holiday Gift Guide:
FOR THE KIDS
Matches– Prometheus was an adult when he discovered fire, allow your children the magic of this scorcher of a present before they know how to handle it responsibly. Who said growing up fast isn’t trendly?
Tickle Me Chucky– Everyone else will be making a mad dash for Tickle Me Elmo. Differentiate yourself by getting that little tyke a Tickle Me Chucky. Your child tickles…Chucky stabs. It’s a win-win situation or potentially painful lesson.
Snickers– It satisfies you. If your kids aren’t satisfied with that, well then they’re just ungrateful.
Horror Make Up Kit– Every time you scar them emotionally, they’ll be able to show it physically.
Leopard Print Underwear– Because Every man secretly wants his penis to move with cat-like agility.
The Diff’rent Strokes DVD Collection– What you talkin’ bout Santa?
The Peanut Butter Machine– Next time you catch him getting Peanut Butter licked off his genitalia by the dog, you can take comfort in knowing that at least it’s homemade and not that store bought processed Peter Pan junk.
Leopard Print Underwear-Because every woman secretly wants her breasts to move with cat-like agility.
Ankle Jewelry– All women like ankle jewelry. Why not give her something that no one gets to see most of the time and tells you when she’s drunk? It’ll be your little secret.
“He’s Just Not That Into You” by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo– Tell her how much you care. She’ll laugh about this later.
FOR THE ELDERLY
Complaint Box and Forms– Old people are very vocal and love to complain, but yelling about things makes them tired. The Complaint Box allows them to voice as many opinions as they want without using their actual voice. And you can get around to dealing with them whenever.
Binoculars– They’re going to need them to watch over you when they’re in heaven.
Well there you have it deal-getters and trendsetters, Trendliest’s list of must-haves this holiday season. What are you waiting for? Get out there and keep that economy afloat…or if you have to wait until Dr. House figures out what’s wrong with his current patient and improbably saves her life at the last possible second, then by all means take your time. Just remember, Christmas is December 25th and Hannukah is…well who knows when that is? Remember it’s always better to buy trendly than to leave with a cart that’s empty. Happy sales to you…and try not to run over anyone.
Greetings toilers of the trendletariat. Are you tired of the traditional grind of the five day work week, spending all of that time on the assembly line or reading Gawker at your desk just waiting for the clock to strike 5pm on Friday? Well, what if we told you those days are soon to be a thing of the past because of the latest friendly trend and occupational craze the three-day weekend.
The three day weekend has a long and storied tradition beginning with the Pilgrims of the Plymouth Colony who once took Thursday through Saturday off to have a great big feast known as “Thanksgiving” with the local Native American tribe so that they might fatten them up for their eventual slaughter and ingestion at the Pagan “Festival of Human Flesh.” While the latter festival is long forgotten, we still celebrate Thanksgiving every year by taking a long weekend so that both the Dallas Cowboys and Detroit Lions can play football.
According to a survey done at the Work Institute of America (W.I.A) based on thirty one hours of research or conversations at the watercooler and over Instant Messager at their very own office; most employees only do nine hours of actual work per week. They also found that no matter how many days the work week consisted of, the nine hours of work per week remained constant and that the majority of work days are spent either killing time leading up to lunch, killing time getting ready to go home, reading the newspaper in the bathroom or looking for a new job where they make more money but work less of the time.
In an effort to curb the latter, employees have begun removing Friday or Monday as part of the work schedule in order to eliminate annoying discussions about hump day in the elevator and to a lesser extent increase productivity on other days of the week.
The study itself was prompted by an actual four day weekend over Thanksgiving in 2002 when employees at Bear Stearns on Wall Street, despite only working Monday through Wednesday the previous week, had no extra work to do when they returned the following Monday, yet marveled at all of the extra time they had to take a quick trip to Vegas, get shitfaced, gamble, and go to strip clubs or as some of them called it “spending time with their family”. And really what’s more friendly and trendy than spending time with the people you love…doing the things you love.
Yes, ever since land developers began putting up fences and accidentally blocking rare animals from escaping from small expanses close to their homes, zoos have been a hot spot for both family and adult entertainment alike, as well as serving as a valuable learning environment for the potentially criminally inclined. Zoos not only provide bestiality enthusiasts an ideal environment for getting off on watching caged helpless arthropods yearn for freedom from the insides of their relatively miniature enclosures, they also provides parents with an ideal setting to teach their mischievous children valuable lessons about the harsh realities of incarceration by showing them an entire family of tigers living in an expanse one thousandth the size of their natural habitat.
However, there’s more to Zoos than their ability to exhibit the repressive powers of fences; many visitors also get the invaluable experience of observing artificial environments undisturbed by their animal inhabitants who prefer to sleep in their man made caves away from the crowds. Imagine the thrill of being able to view a rock formation where a Kodiak bear will decide to sit once the zoo closes and the spectators have left.
While some animals shy away from the parental paparazzi eager to teach their children of the wonders of nature, others relish the limelight displaying their knack for frequent defecation and sexual desire. Monkeys are particularly adept at both, pairing them with their athletic penchant for projecting the results of both activities towards a fascinated crowd.
Yes trendly boys and girls, the zoo provides potential visitors with plenty of activity beyond their wildest expectations…and it sure beats sitting at home on your couch and watching that BBC Planet Earth show. After all, the trendliest way to experience nature is being right there in the thick of it.