Hey fellow believers in Trendlyism, Have you been good this year? Probably not. If you’re a God-fearing human being odds are your clothes and skin are washed in nothing but Tide and sin. Have no fear (unless it’s a rational fear of God or death) Trendliest is here to tell you how to wipe the sin off the surface of your being and achieve the friendly, trendy state of equilibrium between naughty and nice that can only be attained through atonement.
Despite popular belief, atonement is more than just an Oscar-nominated film starring that transgression-free vixen Keira Knightley. If you’re wondering how the esteemed Brit beauty rid herself of all wrongdoing, the answer is simple. The star of such films as “The Jacket”, and “Domino” frequently engages in the most effective slate-cleansing practice, known as fasting. Other famous fasters include Gandhi and pre-pregnancy Nicole Richie.
Fasting, put simply, is the act of not eating in the hopes that the lord will think you’re a good person because you’ve chosen to deprive yourself of such a simple pleasure in order to fool him/her. Depending on your religion, fasting only works in the riddance of iniquity on several instances throughout the year. If you just so happen to be of the Jewish faith not eating from sundown to sundown on Yom Kippur or “The Day of Atonement” erases all wrongdoing that you’ve engaged in over the past year. So whether you eat meat and dairy together on a Friday or molest children on Wednesday, as long as you don’t eat on this one day you can feel good about yourself again and start anew on this year’s docket of depravity, knowing full well all you have to do is make it to the next “Day of Atonement.”
Some celebrities rife with sin attempt other methods of achieving atonement. Don Henley originally wrote the song “Heart of The Matter” from his 1989 album The End of The Innocence in an attempt to garner favor with his lord and savior during lent. The vocals were peppered with mentions of “atonement”, but Henley’s record label didn’t think the lyrics were catchy enough and replaced that word with the more populous term “forgiveness”. Needless to say, Henley wasn’t forgiven, he rejoined The Eagles and subsequently caused hell to freeze over.
Even though writing a song about atonement seems like a relatively painless way to get off scot-free, not everyone possesses the means to do so. That’s why it’ll always be friendly and trendy to fast in order to achieve the ultimate level of atonement. Your deity will thank you…and so will your guilty conscience.
Greetings potential parentals. If you’ve got a baby on the way but are a little worried that it’s not your nature to nurture, maybe you should stop asking yourself the question, “how do I take care of my baby?” and start asking, “How can my baby take care of me?” Put down that volume of Dr. Spock and make sure your new son or daughter is ready to rock with the latest friendly trend of turning your kids into cash!
Now we here at the Trendliest aren’t condoning selling your newborns onto the black market (just yet). We’re merely suggesting that you start preparing your child for a successful career early on so they can literally and figuratively stop sucking at your teat before they ever start while chipping in a little towards your monthly rent or mortgage payment that their birth has helped make more difficult to pay.
First off, the road to success starts in the womb and certainly is paved with both placenta and gold. While your child is developing, don’t underestimate the importance of music. Play as much meaningless pop as you can so when your child finally pops out he or she will be influenced by the songs of relatively young idols like Britney Spears and Avril Lavigne, appearing at an early age to want to follow their career path. Once your child is old enough to hum or sing, invoke the Lynne Spears Method of Parenting as laid out in her book, Through The Storm: A Real Story of Fame and Family in a Tabloid World.
The most important part of this method is never saying no to your child. If you’ve done your job correctly so far, your son/daughter will want to be a singer. Cater to all their performance whims and make sure to constantly encourage them in their performance field. Be sure to purchase a big stereo with a karaoke feature and a top of the line microphone so that they might practice at home for all of their big auditions, it’ll pay for itself. Tell your child they have the most beautiful voice in the world and that they should take singing and dancing lessons and go on auditions so mommy and daddy won’t be poor no more.
As for education, School is a formality when you’re getting your degree in Showbiz. No matter how unready your child may be, ignoring education will put a fast track to success and a slightly slower track to the mental ward or rehab, but the latter two results are just minor obstacles to maintaining a fabulous career.
If you’ve not succeeded in Ms. Spears method your child might want to be an NFL Place kicker, a fireman or Chief of Police, in which case you should probably start practicing kickoffs, taking your child to the firehouse to practice drills, or just having a gun in the house to hone those respective skills. After all catering to your childs first whim and encouraging them to be whatever they want to be as long as it has the potential to earn you cash is the trendliest way to parent.
Are you thinking of enrolling in university so that you can finally get that degree in Earth Science or TV repair you’ve always wanted? Well put down that paper and pencil because at the Richard Dean Anderson Trendliest School of Higher Educational Learning, we’ll prepare you for a career in whatever it is you’ve always dreamed of doing without the bureaucratic hassle or benefit of one of those expensive certified academic institutions. Sure you could waste years and thousands of dollars going to “school”, but we know you’d rather the quick and easy approach (that’s what she said). If you’ve got the need, the need for speed learning, the only friendly and trendy method is Osmosis.
While in actuality Osmosis is defined as “the diffusion of fluids through membranes or porous partitions” it has been adapted to refer to not just water, but to all fields of knowledge apparent in one’s surroundings being effortlessly absorbed through the pores of the human brain solely based on proximity. The very first being to put this method of immediate education to good use was the philosopher cat Garfield, who not only learned all of the school subjects in one fell swoop, but learned a secret recipe for lasagna by simply placing his paw on John Arbuckle’s dinner one evening.
Osmosis has also been used as a handy marketing tool by people who no doubt had once brushed their hand on a marketing textbook. In 1995, an Epic Records product manager insisted Ozzy Osbourne title his latest album Ozzmosis. The effect was astonishing as over three million metalheads flocked to stores to buy the album in the hopes that by owning it they would learn how to play guitar as well as if not better than frequent Ozzy collaborator Zakk Wylde. A similar strategy was employed for the 2001 film Osmosis Jones which ultimately failed because everyone who fell for it the first time was too busy taking guitar lessons the day the movie was in theaters.
Now after laying dormant for seven years or so, the Republican Party has once again jumped on the bandwagon for the method of learning that Garfield so brazenly introduced. Prior to announcing the Vice Presidential nomination of Alaska Governor Sarah Palin, the Grand ‘Ol Party made the potential first right-hand lady spend just under two years in a house where she could see Russia out the window so that she might gather all of the foreign policy know how she would ever need. As an added bonus, she listened to John Denver albums on a loop and learned how to be folksy. Well, all that osmosis has certainly paid off and Sarah Palin is poised for a historic visit to the White House. Maybe if she ever goes into the Lincoln bedroom and touches his portrait she’ll learn a little something about good presidentin’ too. Wouldn’t that be something?
Greetings all you masters of your own imagination. Have you recently been trying to flex your creative muscle only to have it slam into the wall of your padded cell upon full extension? Don’t you think it would be easier to get your inspirational juices flowing away from the confines of a cubicle or cardboard box that you call home? We do too, that’s why we here at Trendliest are recommending the latest friendly, trendly method in exercising your own ingenuity, thinking outside the box!
If you’ve ever suffered from a wicked case of writer’s block or painter’s brush, you know that the mother of invention doesn’t always let you suck at her teat, no matter how close you hover to her said teat. While begging and pleading for something to happen sometimes forces brilliance, often times separating yourself from your source of torment – whether it be that one act play on the history of your patellar tendon or that song you’re writing for Avril Lavigne’s soulless new album- can accelerate your impulse to innovate and sometimes it’s just good to get out and smell the fresh air, or if you’re in a city, the cat urine.
The phrase thinking outside the box came about in the early days of civilation when great thinkers such as Socrates and Confucius would give advice to the emperors of their day. It is a little known fact that both renowned philosophers were not in fact human, but were actually chinchillas. When a great emperor or empress needed a wise word, he would simply take Socrates, Confucius, Archimedes, or Carl Sagan out of his pet container and propose a great question that called for sage advice. Since no one ever heard these wise beings give advice while they were inside of their boxes, it was assumed that all of their knowledge was derived from being outside the box.
It is for this very reason today that many conference rooms are built in a non-boxy, circular arrangements to give the illusion of not being in open space by enclosing said space with windows overlooking the wonder that is mother nature, so that even the lowliest of employees might be inspired to come up with an idea that’s positively Chinchillan, allowing company higher-ups to milk their underlings for the friendly and trendy ideas that can be derived from “thinking outside the box”.
Greetings toilers of the trendletariat. Are you tired of the traditional grind of the five day work week, spending all of that time on the assembly line or reading Gawker at your desk just waiting for the clock to strike 5pm on Friday? Well, what if we told you those days are soon to be a thing of the past because of the latest friendly trend and occupational craze the three-day weekend.
The three day weekend has a long and storied tradition beginning with the Pilgrims of the Plymouth Colony who once took Thursday through Saturday off to have a great big feast known as “Thanksgiving” with the local Native American tribe so that they might fatten them up for their eventual slaughter and ingestion at the Pagan “Festival of Human Flesh.” While the latter festival is long forgotten, we still celebrate Thanksgiving every year by taking a long weekend so that both the Dallas Cowboys and Detroit Lions can play football.
According to a survey done at the Work Institute of America (W.I.A) based on thirty one hours of research or conversations at the watercooler and over Instant Messager at their very own office; most employees only do nine hours of actual work per week. They also found that no matter how many days the work week consisted of, the nine hours of work per week remained constant and that the majority of work days are spent either killing time leading up to lunch, killing time getting ready to go home, reading the newspaper in the bathroom or looking for a new job where they make more money but work less of the time.
In an effort to curb the latter, employees have begun removing Friday or Monday as part of the work schedule in order to eliminate annoying discussions about hump day in the elevator and to a lesser extent increase productivity on other days of the week.
The study itself was prompted by an actual four day weekend over Thanksgiving in 2002 when employees at Bear Stearns on Wall Street, despite only working Monday through Wednesday the previous week, had no extra work to do when they returned the following Monday, yet marveled at all of the extra time they had to take a quick trip to Vegas, get shitfaced, gamble, and go to strip clubs or as some of them called it “spending time with their family”. And really what’s more friendly and trendy than spending time with the people you love…doing the things you love.
Hey there trend-chasers! Have you been driving your beat up Dodge truck chasing the latest weather trends only to stumble on an unfriendly tornado that lacks the common decency to introduce itself before it destroys your house and parks your ATV in a tree on the other side of town? The nerve! We here at Trendliest recommend you drop that zero and get with this hero: Hurricanes! Because the latest friendly weather trend is forking over the cash so that you can name these super storms.
Naming Hurricanes is a rather recent phenomenon. After the success of the Star Registry’s efforts to charge people to name stars in the sky, The National Weather service decided that they could net a huge profit and charge a much heftier amount to attach monikers to these fierce forces of nature, based solely on the fact that there are only on average fifteen or so a season and that people would pay top dollar for the publicity it afforded the storm’s namesake. As they say, there’s no such thing as bad publicity (unless of course you happen to be a Nazi). So in 1970 the National Weather Service sold the naming rights of the first Hurricane to Yoko Ono, which has subsequently been blamed for the breakup of The Beatles, and to a lesser extent The Captain and Tennille.
Hurricane Yoko Ono In Action
Ever since it’s been totally trendly to attach your name to a violent storm in the hopes that it will increase awareness of particular projects-like forcing band breakups or telling your ex that you got engaged. Unfortunately, this is mostly a crapshoot, because not all tropical storms can be hurricanes. Such was the case with one of the biggest publicity failures that occurred when the “I Can Read Books” company ponied up big loot to name one of 1978’s storms “Amelia” in order to promote it’s children’s release Amelia Bedelia Helps Out. Well as the story goes, Tropical Storm Amelia only lasted two days and made minimal headlines. The book release was subsequently pushed back to 1979. Conversely, 2005’s Hurricane Rita was a devastating Category 5 Hurricane that made headlines nationwide, but could do little in the way of reviving Comedienne Rita Rudner’s career.
The Book At The Heart of The First Huge Hurricane Publicity Failure
There have been plenty of successful pairings such as 2004’s Hurricane Charley which caused Flowers For Algernon to re-enter the required reading list for many a junior high curriculum in the mid-Atlantic states and lest we not forget Hurricane Gloria, which dramatically drove up record sales for Laura Branigan’s 1982 single of the same name, albeit in 1985.
Whether or not you’re trying to drum up publicity for a presidential campaign or you simply want to see your name on the cover of a national newspaper that reads “(Your Name) Leaves Death and Destruction in it’s Wake”, you can rest assured that putting your name on a hurricane is the friendly and trendy way to get people talking about (your name here).
Odds are if you’re checking out this here site you’re on the hunt for something utterly friendly and trendy. You may also be wondering if there are trends you might have the good fortune to discover on your own. It would be easy for us to say no so that you might continue being absolutely dependant on us for finding out just what in the world is hop and hot, but the truth is there are some hot new fads you can stumble upon all by your self…the latest of which is being accidentally and irresponsibly labeled a “terrorist.”
While being accidentally labeled a terrorist goes as far back as the 1996 Olympics when Richard Jewell “bombed” a perfectly good Olympic venue all in the name of drawing the attention away from the fact that a Bulgarian, not an American participant captured three gold medals in weighlifting…the resurgence in the trend can be credited to the heinous attacks of September 11th. Since the government’s irresponsible handling of the events leading to an actual terrorist attack, they’ve stepped up efforts to compensate for the fact that they’re not doing enough for homeland security by making sure all bars have Toby Keith albums on their jukebox. Additionaly, the government has made efforts to raise public paranoia levels with the “if you see a brown person doing something, say something” slogan and their special hotline for reporting talkative cab drivers.
Rachael Ray Threatens Freedom With A Dynamite Coolatta
However, it’s not only poor brown people who’ve had the fortune of participating in this latest trend; Celebrities are also at the forefront of this fad. America’s Sweetest Pitchperson Rachael Ray was sent to Abu Ghraib after dressing up like Yasser Arafat in a Dunkin’ Donuts ad where she was then subject to the trendly practice of waterboarding. Even Presidential frontrunner Barack Obama and his wife aren’t immune to trendliness. The two were placed under heavy scrutiny after engaging in the “Al Qaeda Fist Bump” after a lively speech about overthrowing the current Republican regime.
The Friction from Said Fist Bump Usually Creates Explosions of Epic Proportions
Don’t be trend-orists…If the two most popular people in the greatest nation in the world are getting their accidental terrorism on…what are you waiting for? Shouldn’t you be arousing suspicion by leaving a suspicious package on the train that just so happens to look like your pocket book or maybe letting your oven burner run a bit before lighting a match to create a huge gas explosion in your house? Either of those would be da bomb, and totally trendly ways to arouse suspicion that you are in fact a terrorist.