Have you been “Rick-rolled” one too many times? Do you have a not-so-secret longing to get back at those who have tricked you into knowing that they’re never gonna give you up, let you down, run around and desert you? While it may be a nice sentiment for your friends to repeatedly promise that they’re never going to make you cry, say goodbye, tell a lie and hurt you; the fact that they made you sit through a Rick Astley video says otherwise. At least they could’ve had the common decency to switch it up every once in a while with the “Together Forever” video.
Together Forever (screencap): Clearly The Best of the Rick Astley Video Canon
Well, if you’re in the market for some sugar-coated pop culture revenge, look no further than the 1980’s beer commercial soundtrack goodness that is the music of Steve Winwood. That’s right, “Rick rolling” is out and “Winwooding” is the latest friendly trend in ironic Internet trickery.
Steve Winwood: The One To Roll With
Before the salad days of Rick Astley, Steve Winwood enjoyed a long fruitful career as a valid and profitable musician, playing in bands like Blind Faith and Traffic, before settling down into his ultimate legacy as 1980’s easily listening pop/rock with songs that reminded us that by rolling with it and drinking Michelob Light, the finer things would indeed keep shining through.
Well that was a long time ago and the Winwooder looks primed for a comeback of sorts, even if it’s not quite of Astley-esque proportions. The stage was set for such an event during the pre-game concert for Super Bowl XLIV when an early-arriving, unsuspecting throng of Football fans got Winwooded prior to both teams taking the field.
With his performance prowess fresh on the brains of the media savvy, there’s never been a friendlier, trendier time to “Winwood” someone by linking them to this video. So we here at The Trendliest recommend you do it now, before everyone starts Bruce Hornsby-izing you.
Hey fellow believers in Trendlyism, Have you been good this year? Probably not. If you’re a God-fearing human being odds are your clothes and skin are washed in nothing but Tide and sin. Have no fear (unless it’s a rational fear of God or death) Trendliest is here to tell you how to wipe the sin off the surface of your being and achieve the friendly, trendy state of equilibrium between naughty and nice that can only be attained through atonement.
Atonement: A Movie With Very Few Food Visuals
Despite popular belief, atonement is more than just an Oscar-nominated film starring that transgression-free vixen Keira Knightley. If you’re wondering how the esteemed Brit beauty rid herself of all wrongdoing, the answer is simple. The star of such films as “The Jacket”, and “Domino” frequently engages in the most effective slate-cleansing practice, known as fasting. Other famous fasters include Gandhi and pre-pregnancy Nicole Richie.
Fasting, put simply, is the act of not eating in the hopes that the lord will think you’re a good person because you’ve chosen to deprive yourself of such a simple pleasure in order to fool him/her. Depending on your religion, fasting only works in the riddance of iniquity on several instances throughout the year. If you just so happen to be of the Jewish faith not eating from sundown to sundown on Yom Kippur or “The Day of Atonement” erases all wrongdoing that you’ve engaged in over the past year. So whether you eat meat and dairy together on a Friday or molest children on Wednesday, as long as you don’t eat on this one day you can feel good about yourself again and start anew on this year’s docket of depravity, knowing full well all you have to do is make it to the next “Day of Atonement.”
No Food On Your Plate...No Sins on Your Slate
Some celebrities rife with sin attempt other methods of achieving atonement. Don Henley originally wrote the song “Heart of The Matter” from his 1989 album The End of The Innocence in an attempt to garner favor with his lord and savior during lent. The vocals were peppered with mentions of “atonement”, but Henley’s record label didn’t think the lyrics were catchy enough and replaced that word with the more populous term “forgiveness”. Needless to say, Henley wasn’t forgiven, he rejoined The Eagles and subsequently caused hell to freeze over.
Henley: Never Truly Got To The Heart of The Matter, But Helped Destroy Hell
Even though writing a song about atonement seems like a relatively painless way to get off scot-free, not everyone possesses the means to do so. That’s why it’ll always be friendly and trendy to fast in order to achieve the ultimate level of atonement. Your deity will thank you…and so will your guilty conscience.
Greetings potential parentals. If you’ve got a baby on the way but are a little worried that it’s not your nature to nurture, maybe you should stop asking yourself the question, “how do I take care of my baby?” and start asking, “How can my baby take care of me?” Put down that volume of Dr. Spock and make sure your new son or daughter is ready to rock with the latest friendly trend of turning your kids into cash!
Now we here at the Trendliest aren’t condoning selling your newborns onto the black market (just yet). We’re merely suggesting that you start preparing your child for a successful career early on so they can literally and figuratively stop sucking at your teat before they ever start while chipping in a little towards your monthly rent or mortgage payment that their birth has helped make more difficult to pay.
First off, the road to success starts in the womb and certainly is paved with both placenta and gold. While your child is developing, don’t underestimate the importance of music. Play as much meaningless pop as you can so when your child finally pops out he or she will be influenced by the songs of relatively young idols like Britney Spears and Avril Lavigne, appearing at an early age to want to follow their career path. Once your child is old enough to hum or sing, invoke the Lynne Spears Method of Parenting as laid out in her book, Through The Storm: A Real Story of Fame and Family in a Tabloid World.
Goodbye Dr. Spock, Hello Lynne!
The most important part of this method is never saying no to your child. If you’ve done your job correctly so far, your son/daughter will want to be a singer. Cater to all their performance whims and make sure to constantly encourage them in their performance field. Be sure to purchase a big stereo with a karaoke feature and a top of the line microphone so that they might practice at home for all of their big auditions, it’ll pay for itself. Tell your child they have the most beautiful voice in the world and that they should take singing and dancing lessons and go on auditions so mommy and daddy won’t be poor no more.
As for education, School is a formality when you’re getting your degree in Showbiz. No matter how unready your child may be, ignoring education will put a fast track to success and a slightly slower track to the mental ward or rehab, but the latter two results are just minor obstacles to maintaining a fabulous career.
This Could Be Your Child!
No Wait...This Could Be Your Child...Much Better
If you’ve not succeeded in Ms. Spears method your child might want to be an NFL Place kicker, a fireman or Chief of Police, in which case you should probably start practicing kickoffs, taking your child to the firehouse to practice drills, or just having a gun in the house to hone those respective skills. After all catering to your childs first whim and encouraging them to be whatever they want to be as long as it has the potential to earn you cash is the trendliest way to parent.
It's Never Too Early To Start Getting Them Ready
Hey Trendliticians! Were you for the war before you were against the war? Are you looking for snug shoes that reflect the same comfort you feel with your political stance? Well then we here at Trendliest recommend investing in a pair of flip flops.
Originally known as “thongs,” but changed to the more erudite “flip flop” after a successful trademark infringement lawsuit filed by pint-sized R&B singer Sisqo who was riding high on his 2000 hit “Thong Song,” flip flops are an easy-breezy way to ensure the bottom of your feet avoid getting dirty, while still allowing them to be vulnerable to shards of glass, so that you may one day also file a frivolous lawsuit against the owner of the property where your foot laceration occurred (hopefully it’s city property).
Prevented Use of The Term Thonger
Aside offering limited covering and defense for your toes, flip flops are largely associated with being an ideal footwear option when dealing with the “heat.” This caused quite a misunderstanding during the 2004 elections, when many Republicans repeatedly accused then Democratic candidate John Kerry of being a flip flopper. For some reason many voters took this to mean Kerry was being charged with being indecisive, when it actually meant that he would have been an easy, breezy fit if he were employed to take the heat of the office of the President of The United States of America. Whether or not he would be able to protect it from shards of glass would remain to be seen.
Kerry: Easy. Breezy. Didn’t Necessarily Protect Against Shards of Glass
Luckily, this small misunderstanding has been cleared up, and with the weather hotter than ever and the 2008 election heating up…the people have spoken. And you know what they’re saying? “Flip Flops are friendly and trendy,” also “Yes we Can!”
Greetings trendspiring actors and actresses! Have you had a major role on a made-for-TV movie, feature film, or perhaps just sat in the first row during a taping of “The Maury Povich show”? If you said yes, you’re probably all ready a huge or dim, flickering star. Well, now that you’ve shown your chops and had the chance to shine on the big screen, small screen, or as part of a live studio audience, isn’t about time you made the next logical leap in worldwide media domination?
Of course it is! And once you’ve gotten your fill of beautifying the world visually with your “acting”, there’s no trendlier move to cement your celebrity status than by adding some sweet, sweet music to your already impressive entertainment resume by releasing an album of mediocre to bad, upbeat pop songs.
Most people are unaware that being a media double threat is as old as the moving picture itself. Fred Ott, the star of Thomas Edison’s famous 1880’s short film of a man sneezing, parlayed his fame and recognition into a long and fruitful musical career as banjoist and lead vocalist for Booger Freddy and The Sneezers- Menlo Park, NJs premiere Bluegrass outfit and winner of seven Grammy awards.
Freddy of Freddy and The Sneezers in Action
While Freddy may have been the first to achieve such a feat, he left ample footprints for many on screen celebrities to follow in. In the 1950’s people like Doris Day and Frank Sinatra transitioned seamlessly back and forth between film and music, much like Will Smith does today. Perhaps the biggest success of the era was King Kong siren and scream queen Fay Wray who put out an entire 78 of shrieks that served as a musical precursor to punk rock.
Punk Pioneer Fay Wray
Today there’s an entirely new era of TV talent clamoring for record industry success. Super talents like Don Johnson, Heidi Montag, Hayden Panetierre, Lindsay Lohan, and Hillary Duff often leave their careers as superstars of the “Boobs tube” to pursue the secondary drama club dream of using space-aged “Studio Magic” and a talented slew of European songwriters to dutifully perform innocuous, meaningless songs in front of scores of shrieking teen fans who in the following years will wonder what they were thinking.
Ms. Montag: Scary/Talented
Either way, these stars will have made a boatload of money…and really what’s trendlier than earning heaps of money by exploiting kids who have yet to form personalities and don’t know any better than to buy your music because they envy you for no apparent reason…and then using that money to have three breast augmentation surgeries.
Hello tried and true Trendliest fans. Have you recently grown a little weary of something in your life that you consider to be the least bit aesthetically undesirable? Maybe you’re still wearing a beehive hairdo (that’s so last year) or the bedroom you sleep in doesn’t look quite enough like the grandstand court at the All England Lawn Tennis Club even though it’s your dream to participate in Wimbledon. Well, we here at Trendliest think it’s time to do something nice for yourself and treat your hair and perhaps the other unsatisfactory areas of your life to the friendliest trend around- a makeover.
This Could Be Your Bedroom
Prior to the advent of television, the idea of changing something about yourself or “making it over” was an idea only associated with escaped convicts. People who got new hairstyles or attitudes were usually arrested and sent back to jail on suspicion of wrongdoing alone. All of this changed thanks to “Sonny and Cher”, who first achieved popularity as a lovable variety-show hosting singing couple, but got career makeovers when Cher morphed into a sailor-banging Academy Award-Winning drag queen and gay icon and Sonny learned how to ski.
Sonny & Cher Pre-Makeover, Post Citizen’s Arrest
One of Cher’s Many Fabulous Makeovers
Many artists followed Sonny and Cher’s example, none so successfully as Madonna who experimented with countless looks and morphed from a younger 20 something-ish dancing whore/sexual icon into an older 50-ish wrinkled dancing whore/sexual icon.
Because of Madonna and Cher’s drastic makeovers in the public eye, television executives thought that making over inanimate objects such as wardrobes, bathrooms, and straight men could be equally as appealing to audiences of popular culture. As a result, the Bravo network was founded and producers immediately got to work on making over everything in sight, starting of course with their offices, which had wallpaper that was a horrible shade of mauve that just had to go.
A Color Swatch of Bravo’s Office Wallpaper
Nowadays if you want to make over anything all you need is a gay friend, a camera crew and Ty Pennington. Luckily for us, we managed to wrangle all three of those things together yesterday, and now Trendliest has a whole new look. We hope you enjoy our makeover…we think it’s a most friendly and trendy site for formerly sore eyes.
Greetings Tune Trend-ficionados! Do you want to hear a little story, but are deathly afraid of risking life, limb and the potential of pesky papercuts from the inevitable page turning that accompanies getting to the nexus of most novellas? First of all, don’t even think of listening to those books on tape. There’s nothing exciting about listening to the guy who played Q on “Star Trek: The Next Generation” reading Ivanhoe. Wouldn’t you rather hear a story that simply rocked? Well that’s the idea behind “Concept Albums,” the hottest friendly trend in music that combines two of our favorite things, storytelling and rock and roll. Most of the time they even include our third favorite thing, futuristic robots.
The First Concept Album
The history of the “Concept Album” is a storied one beginning in the early 1960’s when Brian Wilson penned the first one ever for the Beach Boys entitled Surfin’ Safari. The album told a story about group of young lads who go on a surfing trip only to have it ruined by futuristic alien robots who steal their girls and take them for a ride in their “409” while the boys are left at the beach to go “Surfin'” and wonder if they’ll see the girls later at the “County Fair.” The album was met with extreme critical praise, but the fans just didn’t get it– and thus The Beach Boys never broke through into the mainstream.
A Futuristic Robot Cavorts With A Beach Boy‘s Girlfriend
It would take almost another fifteen years before another band had the courage to take their crack at the concept album. That band was Rush and that album was 2112. The combined efforts of Neil Peart on Drums, Geddy Lee on Bass/Vocals, and Alex Lifeson on the guitar– crafted a sublime tale of a Canada run by an evil Robotic overlord who was surprisingly unfuturistic for the times, hell bent on declaring all out war on Greenland on New Year’s Eve 2111. This album blew away the critics and was embraced by fans sweeping both the Grammy Awards and Juno Awards from 1976 to 1978.
Rush: Masters of The Concept Album
After Rush’s masterpiece “Concept Albums” were seen as a lost art. One artist even made an entire career out of failed concept albums. Pop star Chris Gaines released 15 albums as his country alter ego Garth Brooks, yet never achieved any measure of critical acclaim comparable to 2112. He even tried releasing one last ditch attempt under his own name entitled Chris Gaines Is A Futuristic Robot that combined simple pop/country with electronica, but to no avail. Many groups have since failed at making concept albums. Radiohead’s 1997 effort OK Computer, which told the story of the world being set back to 1900 because of the Y2K bug was seen as laughable and completely unrealistic, but still retains a cult following today.
Garth Brooks: Chris Gaines’ Unsuccessful Alter Ego
The most recent semi-successful attempt at a concept album was Michael Jackson’s Thriller: 25th Anniversary Edition, which is a tale about a talented African-American who decides he wants to be a talented, mostly bizarre caucasian; yet twenty five years later he comes back around and decides to be African-American again only to find out that the only way he can do so is to become a futuristic robot
Yes, trendlies and trendtleman, it’s a rare occasion that an artist makes a successful concept album, so we suggest you jump on this friendly trend right away, because like concept albums themselves, it may only last for an hour or two.
Welcome back Trendly friends. Did you miss us while we were away? We hope not too much. Who are we kidding? We hope you missed us lots because then you’ll be thrilled to know that during our vacation time, we discovered all sorts of exclusive and friendly trends that we’ll be passing along to you, our privileged readers. So are you ready to “get down” to the nitty gritty? We certainly are.
Are you longing to march to the beat of a different drummer because the current drummer you’re marching to has a difficult time performing “We Will Rock You” on Rock band’s easiest setting? Well maybe you need to change your tune entirely and get hip to the hoppest genre of music there is…Funk.
Many people associate Funk music with famous 70’s bands like Sly and The Family Stone, K.C. and The Sunshine Band, and Peter, Paul, and Funktastic…but most people don’t know that Funk music is just another sad example of black people co-opting white culture. The first “Funk” song was actually the Star-Spangled Banner. The song, also known as the National Anthem” was written by Francis Scott Key and is crazy funky, spanning eight octaves. In fact, the term “Funky” is a by product of the name Francis Scott Key. The first time Key sang the song for US Naval Academy band, one of the trumpet players asked “is F (Francis’ nickname) on key?” Another player overheard him thinking he was describing the song as “Fonky”. As time wore on, people began to fiddle with the first “Fonky” song adding hot bass-lines and changing the lyrics altogether until the song sounded something like Parliament Funkadelic’s “Free Your Mind And Your Ass Will Follow”. The word “Fonky”followed suit evolving into funky.
The “Fonky” One
The Funky One
Nowadays everyone is getting into “Funk” music. Young people everywhere that smoke heaps of pot and think both Phish, Dave Matthews, and Snoop Dogg are really “solid” are being inspired to grab a bass and five or six other marginally talented bandmates to kick out the jams. In order to found a formidable modern day Funk outfit there are several crucial elements that must be combined. First, the band must consist of a majority of white bandmates save for one African- American who can really “bust out” on the trumpet or saxophone. The second crucial element for a funk band is a cool name that incorporates the word “Funk”. Some acceptable names include “Confunkshun Junction”, “Grand Funk Railroad” and “Funk Your Mother”.
Correct Funk Band Lineup
If a band wants to be known as a “fusion funk” band, meaning they incorporate Jazz, Disco, Pakistani Qawwali music, and Dave Matthews into their sound, they can also employ the word “Soul” into their moniker. For example, “Soulgazm” or “The Soulfunk Fusion Express Train” are valid fusion band names. The third step to a long and fruitful career as a “Funk” band is to frequent bars that only feature other marginally talented, mostly caucasian funk bands and cater to a mostly upper-middle class collegiate fan-base who have no rhythm, but love to dance by moving their arms as though they were weaving some sort of “air craft”.
After all what’s more friendly and trendy than dancing and creating a non-existent art project with your own hands. That’s for us to know and you to find out…by listening to some Funk music…the trendliest music there is…for now.