Greetings citizens of the United States of Trendmerica! How bout those Olympics? Did you enjoy seeing Bode Miller and Lindsey Vonn glide down slopes to victory on tape delay? Did watching Apolo Anton Ohno take out two South Korean skaters to capture bronze give you a good old fashion heart attack of patriotism. Was there a tear streaming down your cheek each time you saw the red, white and blue perched high above that first place podium as the instrumental version of the National Anthem blared proudly above an athlete birthed in the lower 48? Well, you’re not alone. From February 12-28th of 2010 there was no better form of escapism from your lack of employment or health care than taking two and a half weeks to engage in the latest friendly trend known as blind nationalism.
Yes, ladies and trend-tleman while other nations may have stronger economies and a better education system, we Americans took comfort knowing that some guy from Illinois executed a triple lutz better than a guy that comes from a country your children can’t locate on a map; not for any personal glory, but just so people from his own nation would be proud of him.
What’s a triple lutz anyway? Who cares? We Americans can do anything we set our minds to unless it involves Ski Jumping or Curling. USA! USA!
While the Olympics is marketed as the ultimate coming together of nations for or a place for international athletes to totally get it on; the folks at home use it as a rallying point to show their superiority even if they live in a country that limits the rights of their minorities by placing bans on the types of clothing they wear, religious symbols they can erect or simply is responsible for giving the world Nickelback. What better way to lose focus on issues that plague ones nation than to pretend they don’t exist for two and a half weeks because someone can move really fast when there is ice beneath them.
Unfortunately, this friendly trend of completely warranted pride in one’s homeland comes with an expiration date. After the week or so of Olympic medalist talk show appearances, sports fans and people who enjoy seeing the distribution of precious metals to others beneath their flag, have to wait another few years before really feeling good about where they are living or where they were born.
But you know what they say, everything old is new again, and fortunately for our trend-lympians, we know the exact date that blind nationalism will be friendly and trendy yet again. Here’s looking at you London 2012.
Rise and shine friendly and trendy alcohol imbibing Americans, a new day has dawned for our way of life. When you woke up yesterday there were three branches of Government:The Legislative, The Executive, and The Judicial; However, today when you looked out your window at the summer sun you could probably sense something was different.
That slight difference is that one third of those branches is no longer with us. Despite the nomination and subsequent confirmation of Supreme Court Judge Sonia Sotomayor, the Judicial system is now obsolete. While “the bar” may technically still exist it now refers to the place where everybody knows your name, and they’re always glad you got arrested, thanks to the latest trend in settling legal disputes, “The Beer Summit.”
With the recent advent of the first Beer Summit, in which President Obama settled the issue of whether or not Henry Louis Gates was guilty of breaking into his own house by simply inviting the Harvard Professor and his arresting officer to discuss the charges and the racial strife caused by said charges over a beer; overnight it has become customary to settle all disputes in this manner.
Now there’s a brand of justice that both tastes great and is less filling (of our overcrowded prisons). Whether or not you’ve been wrongfully accused of murder or simply pulled over for driving under the influence, you’ll be faced with two options: One, you could put on a suit and be tried by a jury of your peers; or two, you could down a few with your accuser and effectively reach an understanding in a flurry of four beers. The latter option is certainly less costly than one of those money grubbing lawyers and it helps promote understanding of not only the difference between the accused and the accuser, but also between lagers and IPA’s.
While the court system will still exist in a limited role for those totally boring members of Alcoholic’s Anonymous there will be limited need for Judges and lawyers (hooray!) as the only remaining courthouses will be located in towns named “Justice” in the states of Illinois, Wyoming, North Carolina, Oklahoma and Kentucky. The Supreme Court will also be replaced by the United States Council of Wise Bartenders, which may or may not consist of the current members of the Supreme Court provided they pass bartending school in time for the fall session.
So cheers to the friendly, trendly new way of solving our problems and if you don’t like it…well then this Bud’s for you. Now if only we could get Iran and North Korea to the beer table.
Hi ho trusty explorers of the newest trendtiers. Time and time again we here at Trendliest get proof of just how in touch (weekly) we are with the latest and greatest the world has to offer. Today we received one ever-glowing affirmation of our hipness. As you may recall last week we trumpeted the excellence of the bastard child of Britain, the Great White North if you will (and you will), otherwise known as Canada. Well, it seems our shouts from the tops of Mount Logan have not fallen upon deaf ears. They actually managed to send a piercing sound to the gargantuan antennae of the 44th President of the United States, one Barack Hussein Obama, who declared today that his premier foreign excursion as President will be up north to Canadia.
So what will President Obama do once he gets to Ottawa? Odds are he’ll meet with Prime Minister Wayne Gretzky and hold a summit on importing their superior system of healthcare, though we can’t say for sure as his agenda is currently top secret. That’s all for now, stay tuned for more Trendliness in Action.
Greetings troopers of the 82nd Trendliest Infantry division! General Trendkopf here demanding you put down those pistols, beat your swords into plowshares and replace those revolvers with roses. All of those sophisticated modes of weaponry are decidedly out of date. The friendly, trendy new way to get your battle on and your point across is not to gear up with guns, but to unlace your loafers and let ’em fly.
Ever since the events of this past week, when Iraqi journalist Muntadhar al-Zeidi attempted the first Presidential shoe-sassination, military defense contractors at Halliburton have been hard at work with the economically-minded pump producers at Payless, developing the ultimate surface-to-groin missile that will surely put the United States ahead in the foot race.
The United States isn’t the only national superpower anxious to dub itself a Shoe-per power. China and India are right up there with over a billion pairs of shoes each aimed in the general direction of almost every country in the world. The United States’ standing as a world leader is secure though, thanks in large part to a fleet female fighting force each brandishing on average up to 14 pairs of the trendly new weapon in a variety of different styles and colors that are designed to compliment a variety of different regulation fatigues and battle situations.
The fact that President Bush avoided being struck by both of al-Zeidi’s size 10’s is a big reason for World War III not breaking out. Also, the Italian economy has seen quite a boost from the event as the world’s governments have sought out the finest in Italian leather footwear from likes of Salvatore Ferragamo and Prada to equip their armies.
While the World may not yet be embroiled in a melee of moccasins, the irate Iraqi has inspired a few “Shoe d’etats” in 3rd world countries like Sri Lanka and The Island of Cuervo Nation. The new method of warfare has also prompted constitutional enthusiast Ron Paul to lobby for a change in the 2nd amendment to include the right to bear dock-siders.
The dramatic shift in tensions has created a new world order that foreign relations experts predict could result in increased violence. On the upside, the death toll is likely to reduce 85%, but there might still be a lot of black and blue marks and scuffed up wing tips. We’ll take that over a high death toll any day. So the next time you want to take your guns to town, take a look down and realize that you’re armed to the feet and let the friendly, trendy battle begin.
Are you looking to alter the course of history for the better, but aren’t completely sure how to go about it? Well, it’s not going to just happen as you sit in your fancy Washington offices passing bills and sleeping with sexy interns. If you want society to start building towards a better tomorrow (depending on your definition of a better tomorrow), there’s only one friendly and trendy way to do it and that’s CHANGE.
Yes, Trendocrats and Stylepublicans “Change” may have been the watchword this election season, but it’s been a hot-button topic for quite some time now. It’s on the tips of the tongues of the East Coast homeless elite as they reach out their coffee cups demanding it, it’s on the fingertips of those passing through tolls, the minds of southern farmers switching from their pajamas into their plowing clothes at dawn each morning, and yes it’s even on the mind of those who would rather watch something else during commercials. But before all of that beeswax, the idea of “change” was both friendly and trendy to the first man, Adam.
If it weren’t for Adam’s need to obtain one of his required daily servings from the “fruit” food group from a source other than lingonberries, the whole of mankind would be stuck in the Garden of Eden not being allowed to eat apples while ignoring the advances of serpents and the fairer sex. Thanks to the “Big A” and his need to change up his diet and sample something delicious, our species has spread change all over the world- transforming it from a wonderful wilderness into the beautifully smog ridden wasteland of industry that we know today.
Up until recently, the way we ushered in political change in the United States had stayed mostly the same. The longstanding traditional method was to have one rich, white conservative leader replace another of equal or lesser value -similar to the way one would change from one pair of tighty whities into another in the morning. Alas, a new day has come ladies and gentlemen. With the election of Barack Obama -a minority- to the White House, changing the way we change things has become the new way to transform ourselves. So the next time you put your underwear on or decide you’d rather watch Access Hollywood over Entertainment Tonight, remember, you can change those things the conventional way or you can change the way you change them (i.e. using a shirt instead of undies to cover your junk or just not using the remote) and be the friendliest, trendiest person you can be.
Greetings Trendly competitors. With the fall upon us there’s undoubtedly the hint of a chill in the air, and with no Winter Olympics to wrest the attention away from the impending Presidential election this season it’s been quite difficult to get our competitive juices flowing. While the race for the White House is enthralling, it doesn’t get our blood a boiling like curling or that winter biathlon with shooting and cross country skiing. Despite the lack of skin tight clad East Germans luge-ing for gold, there is a new polar pastime that is teetering on the edge of trendliness. That new friendly, trendy, and ultimately shivery sport is none other than snow machine racing.
Thanks to Alaska Governor Sarah Palin’s Vice Presidential Candidacy Snow Machine Racing has taken center stage in the wide world of wintry athletics. Her husband Todd, a.k.a The First Dude of Alaska, has earned celebrated world champion status in a variety of cold weather contests. Not only has he won the annual Tesoro Iron Dog Snowmobile Race an impressive four times since 1993, but he’s also won the coveted Snow Machine Triathlon 7 times. The event in which competitors travel 600 miles on their snowmobiles, use a snowblower to clear off a fifty foot-long driveway that’s been blocked in by the local snow plow and then make sno-cones for an entire class of sixth graders is set to be added as a demonstration sport for the 2010 Vancouver Winter Olympics.
While the Alaskan first dude is the early favorite for the gold, two years should be plenty of time for you to practice your Snow Machine skills so that you might have a chance to beat him. If you want to get in some quality training time, you should most definitely enter the White House 500 Charity Race to benefit the flagging economy, slated for sometime in February should the McCain-Palin ticket win. Not only will you be able to circle the White House five-hundred times in your snowmobile, but afterwards you get to share a six-pack with the VP, while raising money for a good cause. Now that’s what we call trendly.
Are you thinking of enrolling in university so that you can finally get that degree in Earth Science or TV repair you’ve always wanted? Well put down that paper and pencil because at the Richard Dean Anderson Trendliest School of Higher Educational Learning, we’ll prepare you for a career in whatever it is you’ve always dreamed of doing without the bureaucratic hassle or benefit of one of those expensive certified academic institutions. Sure you could waste years and thousands of dollars going to “school”, but we know you’d rather the quick and easy approach (that’s what she said). If you’ve got the need, the need for speed learning, the only friendly and trendy method is Osmosis.
While in actuality Osmosis is defined as “the diffusion of fluids through membranes or porous partitions” it has been adapted to refer to not just water, but to all fields of knowledge apparent in one’s surroundings being effortlessly absorbed through the pores of the human brain solely based on proximity. The very first being to put this method of immediate education to good use was the philosopher cat Garfield, who not only learned all of the school subjects in one fell swoop, but learned a secret recipe for lasagna by simply placing his paw on John Arbuckle’s dinner one evening.
Osmosis has also been used as a handy marketing tool by people who no doubt had once brushed their hand on a marketing textbook. In 1995, an Epic Records product manager insisted Ozzy Osbourne title his latest album Ozzmosis. The effect was astonishing as over three million metalheads flocked to stores to buy the album in the hopes that by owning it they would learn how to play guitar as well as if not better than frequent Ozzy collaborator Zakk Wylde. A similar strategy was employed for the 2001 film Osmosis Jones which ultimately failed because everyone who fell for it the first time was too busy taking guitar lessons the day the movie was in theaters.
Now after laying dormant for seven years or so, the Republican Party has once again jumped on the bandwagon for the method of learning that Garfield so brazenly introduced. Prior to announcing the Vice Presidential nomination of Alaska Governor Sarah Palin, the Grand ‘Ol Party made the potential first right-hand lady spend just under two years in a house where she could see Russia out the window so that she might gather all of the foreign policy know how she would ever need. As an added bonus, she listened to John Denver albums on a loop and learned how to be folksy. Well, all that osmosis has certainly paid off and Sarah Palin is poised for a historic visit to the White House. Maybe if she ever goes into the Lincoln bedroom and touches his portrait she’ll learn a little something about good presidentin’ too. Wouldn’t that be something?
Hey Trendliticians! Were you for the war before you were against the war? Are you looking for snug shoes that reflect the same comfort you feel with your political stance? Well then we here at Trendliest recommend investing in a pair of flip flops.
Originally known as “thongs,” but changed to the more erudite “flip flop” after a successful trademark infringement lawsuit filed by pint-sized R&B singer Sisqo who was riding high on his 2000 hit “Thong Song,” flip flops are an easy-breezy way to ensure the bottom of your feet avoid getting dirty, while still allowing them to be vulnerable to shards of glass, so that you may one day also file a frivolous lawsuit against the owner of the property where your foot laceration occurred (hopefully it’s city property).
Prevented Use of The Term Thonger
Aside offering limited covering and defense for your toes, flip flops are largely associated with being an ideal footwear option when dealing with the “heat.” This caused quite a misunderstanding during the 2004 elections, when many Republicans repeatedly accused then Democratic candidate John Kerry of being a flip flopper. For some reason many voters took this to mean Kerry was being charged with being indecisive, when it actually meant that he would have been an easy, breezy fit if he were employed to take the heat of the office of the President of The United States of America. Whether or not he would be able to protect it from shards of glass would remain to be seen.
Kerry: Easy. Breezy. Didn’t Necessarily Protect Against Shards of Glass
Luckily, this small misunderstanding has been cleared up, and with the weather hotter than ever and the 2008 election heating up…the people have spoken. And you know what they’re saying? “Flip Flops are friendly and trendy,” also “Yes we Can!”
Odds are if you’re checking out this here site you’re on the hunt for something utterly friendly and trendy. You may also be wondering if there are trends you might have the good fortune to discover on your own. It would be easy for us to say no so that you might continue being absolutely dependant on us for finding out just what in the world is hop and hot, but the truth is there are some hot new fads you can stumble upon all by your self…the latest of which is being accidentally and irresponsibly labeled a “terrorist.”
While being accidentally labeled a terrorist goes as far back as the 1996 Olympics when Richard Jewell “bombed” a perfectly good Olympic venue all in the name of drawing the attention away from the fact that a Bulgarian, not an American participant captured three gold medals in weighlifting…the resurgence in the trend can be credited to the heinous attacks of September 11th. Since the government’s irresponsible handling of the events leading to an actual terrorist attack, they’ve stepped up efforts to compensate for the fact that they’re not doing enough for homeland security by making sure all bars have Toby Keith albums on their jukebox. Additionaly, the government has made efforts to raise public paranoia levels with the “if you see a brown person doing something, say something” slogan and their special hotline for reporting talkative cab drivers.
Rachael Ray Threatens Freedom With A Dynamite Coolatta
However, it’s not only poor brown people who’ve had the fortune of participating in this latest trend; Celebrities are also at the forefront of this fad. America’s Sweetest Pitchperson Rachael Ray was sent to Abu Ghraib after dressing up like Yasser Arafat in a Dunkin’ Donuts ad where she was then subject to the trendly practice of waterboarding. Even Presidential frontrunner Barack Obama and his wife aren’t immune to trendliness. The two were placed under heavy scrutiny after engaging in the “Al Qaeda Fist Bump” after a lively speech about overthrowing the current Republican regime.
The Friction from Said Fist Bump Usually Creates Explosions of Epic Proportions
Don’t be trend-orists…If the two most popular people in the greatest nation in the world are getting their accidental terrorism on…what are you waiting for? Shouldn’t you be arousing suspicion by leaving a suspicious package on the train that just so happens to look like your pocket book or maybe letting your oven burner run a bit before lighting a match to create a huge gas explosion in your house? Either of those would be da bomb, and totally trendly ways to arouse suspicion that you are in fact a terrorist.