Greetings sometimes followers of the latest trendly goings on. It’s been far too long since you’ve seen our smiling faces and glowing witticisms on this here page. If only there were some way we could make it up to you that didn’t involve monetary appropriations or sexual favors. We’ve got it! How about we resume our position as the standard bearers of the latest in all that is both friendly and trendy by posting something new? Sound good? No? Well, then we guess we’re just going to have to offer you a heartfelt apology, which just so happens to be the latest friendly trend in public discourse.
Plenty of people in this world are capable of committing unspeakable acts of immorality such as actively engaging in genocide, offering free health care and forgetting to tip their server. All too often those heinous occurrences go unchecked without even the slightest acknowledgment of any wrongdoing. Lately though those who have committed a heinous act against their fellow man have seen fit to right their wrongs by publicly proclaiming “mea culpa” for their questionable decisions that stand to jeopardize their status as the world’s foremost athlete, restaurant patron, or douchebag tattoo-sleeved guitar player of easy listening music.
Whether you’ve offended people by outing your penis’s racist tendencies, not providing boundaries for your penis, or just simply not posting on your blog for a really long time; it’s important to acknowledge that the road to ruin was paved with good intentions. Unfortunately that road is only big enough for penis-shaped cars or vehicles driven by your ego. While you were busy thinking with your genitalia, guitar, and/or wallet your well-intending actions -no matter how private- were busy hurting the feelings of millions of people you have never even met who obviously look up to you as a role model.
The only way to right this wrong is to offer an utterly sincere admission of guilt and probable sex addiction as reasons for your lapse in judgment. After all, you could’ve spent so much time being the best you you could be if only you weren’t so busy looking at porn or shamelessly flirting with the girl you paid to have sex with.
So how does one offer a sincere apology to those wronged souls also known as sponsors, professional sports associations, or Twitter followers? Well, there are several different methods sweeping the nation:
The most popular and readily available is the press conference. The media loves a good admission of wrongdoing and what better way to do it than in real-time in front of cameras and microphones before the entire world. Not only will it magnify the extent of whatever you’re admitting, but it also makes you seem sorrier. Whether you cheated on your wife or your SATs and need to tell someone, there’s a good chance ESPN or TMZ will cover it, provided you schedule it during The World Series of Poker or when Britney Spears is not driving to the mall.
The second most popular form of apology is through the purchasing of gifts. While this form of contrition won’t achieve the level of international forgiveness on the scale of a press conference; it goes to show those you have injured that your actions, while selfish, put enough money in your pocket to afford expensive chocolates or a used Mazda Miata. It also helps to stimulate the economy, which is always friendly and trendy.
The third most popular form of forgiveness also happens to be the least beneficial to the economy. It’s known as the simple action apology. The simple action apology is a personal admission of wrongdoing popularly expressed via language or sexual favors and sometimes both. It requires an audience of five or less and often occurs during an intervention or after the receipt of a credit card bill that reveals frequent trips to the strip club.
Although apologies may be the latest friendly trend, it’s important to note that one errs on the side of unpopularity when expressing such regrets to loved ones. After all, being in love means never having to say you’re sorry.
February 22, 2010 Posted by evankessler | Celebrities, Gifts, Methods, Relationships, Social Trends | Ali Macgraw, apologies, Britney Spears, cheating, ESPN, John Mayer, Love Story, Mazda Miata, Ryan O'Neal, sexual indiscretions, Tiger Woods, TMZ, TMZ.com, twitter, World Series of Poker | Leave a comment
Hey Trendly ladies and gentlemen. We don’t think we’ve seen you here before. Do you come here often? Oh, you’re a regular Trendliest reader. Oh, then odds are we won’t have to convince you to come home with us, but if you were new to this site we’d lay on the charm via the use of the trendliest method of seduction, The Pick-Up line.
The pick-up line originated in the mid 1970’s when two Americans, in preparation for a night out at the Montreal clubs, flipped through a French-English dictionary to figure out how to ask French Canadians if they want to have sex. They came up with “Do you want to go to bed with me?” or “Voulez-vous coucher avec moi?”
Unfortunately the two men in question were extremely ugly and ended up being turned down by every woman they met that evening…including two or three prostitutes who when later asked said they preferred the honest approach of a simple hello. Luckily, for the two men in question they turned their sexual woes into the smash hit “Lady Marmalade” and even though no women ever believed them when they tried to impress them with their songwriting credits, they ended up very rich…and alone.
Preferred A Simple Hello
The pick-up line has since evolved into an increasingly awkward yet charming art with literally thousands of permutations on the original formula. Most of these enticing inquiries are only successful when the person doing the wooing is dressed in a ridiculous outfit and has had his or her tips professionally frosted.
The following is a list of some of the more popular pick up lines that are sure to help you achieve the friendly and trendy goal of getting the object of your affection to notice you because you’ll be talking to them.
1. Yo bitch…Can I holla?
2. I can see your pants in that mirror…I’m in that mirror. I think both me and your pants are in that mirror.
3. You’re pretty like Stevie Nicks.
Stevie Nicks…The Current Gold Standard of Beauty
4. I’m Enrique Iglesias.
5. Shall I phone you or nudge you?
6. When we get out of jail…I’m going to love you forever…if we get out of jail.
7. I lease a ’95 Chrysler Sebring.
8. When you stepped out of heaven did they have to kill someone to make an angel to replace you…because I think killing is morally reprehensible.
9. When in Rome or wherever it is we are, do me.
10. Twenty dollars for one song!
Hopefully, these lines can be of some assistance in curing your lovelorn state, but you’ll never know unless you get out there and put them to the test. The proof is in the trendly pudding.
August 5, 2008 Posted by evankessler | Celebrities, Methods, Romance, Social Trends | Chrysler Sebring, Enrique Iglesias, lap dances, Mystery, Pick Up Artist, pick up lines, Rome, Stevie Nicks, trendliest | 1 Comment
Hello trendly soldiers in the army of love, is that your face we see firmly planted in the bosom and/or crotch of your lover? Oh don’t stop on our account. We here at The Trendliest are all for your not so covert romantic tryst. Not only do we think your need to consummate your relationship in our presence is rather touching, but it’s also overflowing with trendliness. After all, public displays of affection are all the rage these days.
Seeing couples out on street corners sucking face no matter what the weather, is pretty much the norm no matter where in the world you or Carmen Sandiego are. Have you ever stopped to think why you’ve managed to happen upon so many used condoms while strolling the park or traipsing down a sidestreet? Well, those condoms strewn about are a result of a public display of affection…or a quickie attempt at spreading chlamydia. Either way it was done where others might see the act take place, because at least one of the parties involved totally gets off on doing “it” (“it: meaning affection) in public.
Public displays of affection or “PDAs” as they’re commonly referred to by onlookers or Palm Treo users, aren’t limited to outdoor locations. They can occur in a busy store or restaurant. Really what’s better than showing the unsupervised neighborhood children running around at the local coffee shop how your tongue looks in your significant other’s mouth as you inform her of your pressing need to be “inside her”? After all, they have to learn what love is some time and seeing as their local Republican Congressman successfully lobbied to remove sexual education from their school’s curriculum they’d otherwise end up flying blind. However, thanks to trendly public displays of affection, kids can learn about the birds and the bees in a more realistic, less sterile environment such as Barnes and Noble.
The Trendliest is your friendly guide to latest trends. If you need to know what’s hop, hot, or now…well then you’ve got to read it. Not only is The Trendliest friendly and trendy, but it’s also satirical. So, if you find yourself easily offended by the content, there is a good chance that you are either silly, hyper-sensitive or Canadian. Lighten up Canucks.
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