Greetings trend petters and prospective owners of slithery things. Do you have the desire to woo the fairer sex with a not-so-domesticated animal, but are afraid that the ladies will think that fearsome, untrained Pit Bull you rescued from a fighting ring is entirely too adorable? Are you suffering from a harsh case of diminutive genitalia that purchasing a used Nissan Z won’t cure? Do you think most creatures in the wilderness are highly adaptable to both urban and suburban jungles ? Well, if you’re looking for a figurative cure all for your pet and pecker woes, look no further than latest friendly, trendy and ultimately scaly version of man’s best friend, the pet snake.
Jake The Snake Loves To Play
Yes, owning a pet snake certainly goes a long way towards making the socially and sexually inept seem a whole lot more interesting. Your three-inch one-eyed trouser snake may make you less of a man, but taking your eight-foot long python out in public on a Friday night to purposely attract attention to yourself will surely make the ladies swoon without resulting in an arrest for indecent exposure. Dogs may be able to fetch and cats are aces at laziness and manipulation, but neither of them can aid you in auto-erotic asphyxiation quite like Constricty the Boa Constrictor can.
"C'mon Ladies, You Know You Wanna Touch It"
Snakes aren’t just for insecure males compensating for loose-fitting underwear. Well-proportioned ladies can also use a serpent’s company to appear like that slutty forbidden fruit in the Garden of Eden during a rock video appearance or VMA performance. Nothing says, “look but don’t touch” or “I’m a man eating-whore that will swallow you whole,” like an actual animal that will in all probability swallow you whole if you forget to feed it.
"My Snake's Getting Fat...But Where's My Mother-In-Law?"
Pet snakes also prove practical in the disposal of pesky house pests like mice, rats, or dead bodies. Paying an exterminator or using those inhumane glue traps is a thing of the past, just leave your slithery suite mate out and about for a few days and your infestation issue is a thing of the past, as is your visiting mother-in-law. Sure your cat could’ve taken care of those rats and mice, but your pet snake ate your cat too…and really what’s more friendly and trendy than being higher up on the food chain.
Greetings sexy techies! Do you prefer pushing the touchpad on your swanky new iPhone to that special someone’s love button? Do your erogenous zones differ depending on what area code you’re in? Is your cell always on vibrate? If you answered “yes,” that means you’re already hip to the hottest trend in getting it on…and that’s getting it on with every sweet young thing in your mobile network via Sexting.
First Person To Figure Out What This Means Has Our Eternal Gratitude
There’s no more romantic way of telling the object of your affection that “u want 2 b with them 2nyt” than by sneaking a photo of your genitalia in the middle of math class on the same device your mom uses to tell you to come home for chicken and Stove Top. Why keep that air of sensual mystery and intrigue when you can just as easily give up the goods? After all, if her kiss is on your list, there’s no reason your shaft shouldn’t be on her cellular. Worst case scenario, your entire junior high will be well aware of your physical inadequacy in the nether region. Best case scenario, the clinically-insane-but-hot, young teacher will see the pic and ask you to stay after class to father her children.
Best Case Scenario In Action
The sexy text message is not necessarily a new invention, though it used to be virtually impossible to show your significant other visual evidence of just how close to cutting glass hardness your nipples were?
That being said, the practice of almost immediately titillating your long distance darling with a few simple seductive sentences is as old as that communicative dinosaur known as Morse code. While it’s well-known that Samuel Morse‘s first telegraphic message was “What hath god wrought!” His follow up message was a simple “A/S/L?” followed by “what are you wearing?”
Get On The Scene: The First Sext Machine
Years later it wasn’t uncommon for wives of Civil War soldiers to receive telegrams via Western Union like the one below:
Thinking of your rear while on the front.
Taking my pants off.
Say hello to the children. Long live the Union!
Lt. Sinclair Percy Levingston
Needless to say, Western Union workers were frequently seen blushing.
While Al Gore’s Internet helped bring technology sex into the 20th century by first allowing sexual predators to converse with minors and send them photos of their genitalia at the same time, desktop computers with dialup modems were highly immobile and relied too much on the inconvenient and often snail-like process of uploading photos for the sharing of nOOdz.
Middle Man Effectively Cut Out
The advent of both the camera phone and smart phone has cut out the middleman, ultimately making the practice of showing off your sprouting mammary glands as easy as saying cheese. You’d certainly be hard-pressed to find something more friendly and trendy than adding push-button convenience and mobility to your illicit encounters. Until we do, Sexting will remain at the top of the technical, sexual heap.
Hey Trend Stars, Do you like to rock out with your cochlea held firmly in place within your inner ear? Your friendly guides to the trend universe here at The Trendliest certainly do. However, we don’t like to rock out to the sound industrial noise or crying children, we prefer to”get the led out” with a healthy dose of music. For our ears there’s no sound trendlier than the sweet song emitted by, you guessed it, the Clarinet. Formerly referred to as the “Licorice Stick” due to the fact that it was it was invented by Charles Q. Licorice who used it as the first prototype for flavored edible wood, the original product manufactured unsuccessfully by the Twizzler corporation, this single-reeded sparkplug has been a pivotal element to all of the hottest tunes rising up the Billboard 100 charts. Artists as diverse as 50 Cent and and The Game are busting the rhymes with backing beats adorned with squeaky but sultry clarinet loops. Even Saxophone superstar Kenny G recently retired his tenor tool to get all handsy with the trendy friendly tunemaker.
So why all the fuss over this influential instrument. Well, we’d like to think it has something to do with the release of mega-successful music-oriented video games like “Woodwind Hero”, “Marching Band” and “Jazz Band”. The extreme difficulty of the latter has led kids to put down their virtual versions and actually get acquainted with the real thing. Young males seem hop to the fact that chicks dig musicians and as a result have begun taking up the Clarinet in droves. It’s a good thing their school music programs are so well funded. They’re practically teaching their kids music and sex ed at the same time, which is certainly a trendly way to deal with school budget issues.
It’s not just kids who are involved, celebrities are also creating a Clarinet cacophony. Word on the street is uber-trendly Hollywood director Woody Allen met his wife-daughter after a pedophilia fueled performance by his Clarinet quintet. Perhaps she was a fan of his earlier films like Manhattan and Zelig, but we prefer to think it was the way he wielded that Licorice Stick. There’s something irresistibly trendy and friendly about someone who knows their way around a Clarinet.
Hey Trend Fans, Welcome to the Wide World of Trendliness. You might as well call me your Trendly neighborhood Trendcaster, Howard Trendsell…or not… Either way, I’m still going tell you about what is currently all the rage. So far we’ve given you the low down on everything from beverages to ways to get that total slut best friend of yours to tell you how far she went on her date last night, even if she might not be so keen on sharing the news. Well, today at the Trendliest we are not going to pull a total 180 degree turn so much as we’re going to do a triple salchow to land us in the realm of Sport.
Yes indeed, sports are certainly a friendly trend to all beings. They’re not just for straight men who like knocking each other around on and off of the fields of play as well as in the locker room. Sports are for everyone. One sport in particular that has caught our eye aside from curling (we love to sweep) is the doubles luge. Not only is doubles luge trendy because of its sleek and stylish form fitting suits and the speed at which the sled travels, but also because it’s a socially acceptable alternative to gay marriage.
While the Catholic Church may not approve of two people of the same sex laying together in sin, they can usually say nothing but, “go team” when it comes to two people of the same sex…their bodies intertwined with bulging genitalia pressed against one another, sliding down a curved mountain track at thrilling speeds as the participants experience an overly exhilarating rush unlike anything else in the world. Doubles Luge…it involves all the trendy aspects of a homosexual relationship and it’s Catholic Church friendly. Plus, in no state in the Union is it illegal to form a doubles luge team. You can’t get more trendly than that! Luge away!