The Trendliest

A Friendly Guide To The Latest Trends

Pet My Snake

Greetings trend petters and prospective owners of slithery things.  Do you have the desire to woo the fairer sex with a not-so-domesticated animal, but are afraid that the ladies will think that fearsome, untrained Pit Bull you rescued from a fighting ring is entirely too adorable? Are you suffering from a harsh case of diminutive genitalia that purchasing a used Nissan Z won’t cure? Do you think most  creatures in the wilderness are highly adaptable to both urban and suburban jungles ?  Well, if you’re looking for a figurative cure all for your pet and pecker woes, look no further than latest friendly, trendy and ultimately scaly version of man’s best friend, the pet snake.

Jake The Snake Loves To Play

Yes, owning a pet snake certainly goes a long way towards making the socially and sexually inept seem a whole lot more interesting. Your three-inch one-eyed trouser snake may make you less of a man, but taking your eight-foot long python out in public on a Friday night to purposely attract attention to yourself will surely make the ladies swoon without resulting in an arrest for indecent exposure.  Dogs may be able to fetch and cats are aces at laziness and manipulation, but neither of them can aid you in auto-erotic asphyxiation quite like Constricty the Boa Constrictor can.

"C'mon Ladies, You Know You Wanna Touch It"

Snakes aren’t just for insecure males compensating for loose-fitting underwear. Well-proportioned ladies can also use a serpent’s company to appear like that slutty forbidden fruit in the Garden of Eden during a rock video appearance or VMA performance. Nothing says, “look but don’t touch” or “I’m a man eating-whore that will swallow you whole,” like an actual animal that will in all probability swallow you whole if you forget to feed it.

"My Snake's Getting Fat...But Where's My Mother-In-Law?"

Pet snakes also prove practical in the disposal of pesky house pests like mice, rats, or dead bodies.  Paying an exterminator or using those inhumane glue traps is a thing of the past, just leave your slithery suite mate out and about for a few days and your infestation issue is a thing of the past, as is your visiting mother-in-law.  Sure your cat could’ve taken care of those rats and mice, but your pet snake ate your cat too…and really what’s more friendly and trendy than being higher up on the food chain.

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March 8, 2010 Posted by | Home, Pets, Sexuality | , | Leave a comment

I Want Your Sext

Greetings sexy techies! Do you prefer pushing the touchpad on your swanky new iPhone to that special someone’s love button?  Do your erogenous zones differ depending on what area code you’re in? Is your cell always on vibrate? If you answered “yes,” that means you’re already hip to the hottest trend in getting it on…and that’s getting it on with every sweet young thing in your mobile network via Sexting.

First Person To Figure Out What This Means Has Our Eternal Gratitude

There’s no more romantic way of telling the object of your affection that “u want 2 b with them 2nyt” than by sneaking a photo of your genitalia in the middle of  math class on the same device your mom uses to tell you to come home for chicken and Stove Top. Why keep that air of sensual mystery and intrigue when you can just as easily give up the goods? After all,  if her kiss is on your list, there’s no reason your shaft shouldn’t be on her cellular. Worst case scenario, your entire junior high will be well aware of your physical inadequacy in the nether region. Best case scenario, the clinically-insane-but-hot, young teacher will see the pic and ask you to stay after class to father her children.

Best Case Scenario In Action

The sexy text message is not necessarily a new invention, though it used to be virtually impossible to show your significant other visual evidence of just how close to cutting glass hardness your nipples were?

That being said, the practice of almost immediately titillating your long distance darling with a few simple seductive sentences is as old as that communicative dinosaur known as Morse code.  While it’s well-known that Samuel Morse‘s first telegraphic message was “What hath god wrought!” His follow up message was a simple “A/S/L?” followed by “what are you wearing?”

Get On The Scene: The First Sext Machine

Years later it wasn’t uncommon for wives of Civil War soldiers to receive telegrams via Western Union like the one below:

***************************************************

Dear Cecilia

*Stop*

Thinking of your rear while on the front.

*Stop*

Taking my pants off.

*Stop*

Say hello to the children.  Long live the Union!

Sincerely,

Lt. Sinclair Percy Levingston

*****************************************************

Needless to say, Western Union workers were frequently seen blushing.

While Al Gore’s Internet helped bring technology sex into the 20th century by first allowing sexual predators to converse with minors and send them photos of their genitalia at the same time, desktop computers with dialup modems were highly immobile and relied too much on the inconvenient and often snail-like process of uploading photos for the sharing of nOOdz.

Middle Man Effectively Cut Out

The advent of both the camera phone and smart phone has cut out the middleman, ultimately making the practice of showing off your sprouting mammary glands as easy as saying cheese. You’d certainly be hard-pressed to find something more friendly and trendy than adding push-button convenience and mobility to your illicit encounters.  Until we do, Sexting will remain at the top of the technical, sexual heap.

February 26, 2010 Posted by | Sexuality, Technology | , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

In The Bush

Greetings creatures of the fashionable flesh.  Are you often met with vacant stares when you remove your pants to feel the air down there? Are you the type of person who who enjoys baring more than your soul while playing nine holes? Do you long to visit a tropical paradise where the wind blows through the palm trees and your undercarriage?  And finally, are you a high school principle or retired haberdasher with a front-butt and revolting genitalia who would feel more secure if everyone knew what you were packing all of the time?  Well, why didn’t you say so?  You’re qualified to hit up the friendly trendy new hot spots that are sprouting up almost as often as your freshly shorn pubic hair.  We’re not talking about locker rooms, but the friendliest and trendiest new form of communal living…Nudist Colonies.

610-nudist-colony-sign

Nudist colonies have been existence since the earliest man couldn’t figure out how to skin a fern, but since then civilization has forsaken all forms of open air, be it warm or cold in order to hide their sexy parts from each other in order to lamely maintain an air of mystery about themselves.  However, as time has worn on and films as diverse as Debbie Does Dallas and Aladdin have dropped the double entendre in favor of straight up entendre…human beings have more and more often been getting down to the nitty gritty by basically spending the majority of their waking hours trying to see each other naked. The advent of nudist colonies came as a direct result of this basic human desire to undress one another.

Aladdin, The Film That Inspired Thousands of Good Teenaged Girls To Take Off Their Clothes

Aladdin, The Film That Inspired Thousands of Good Teenaged Girls To Take Off Their Clothes

Nudist Colonies are usually located in areas distant from population centers due to the fact that most inhabitants have been shunned by those same group of human beings that have no desire to see certain  disrobe and wish they’d all just hide in the woods out of plain sight with their pubic forestry blending in with the actual forestry.  However, amongst their accepted equals these nudists maintain that the human body is a beautiful an not at all awkward thing that should be embraced whether one is fishing, eating, or just plain singing karaoke.

Whatever Happened To Macy Gray? Well, She's Performing Karaoke Versions of Her Own Songs at Nudist Colonies.  But, Of Course!

Whatever Happened To Macy Gray? Well, She's Performing Karaoke Versions of Her Own Songs at Nudist Colonies. But, Of Course!

While most of these flesh farms consist largely of bare elders, there is a growing youth movement. The younger population in these environments tend to be very well educated and absolutely fearless on account of the fact that they never have that recurring nightmare when they’re standing naked at the front of the classroom. And in our estimation the proliferation of a confident youth class is most decidedly trendly.

Confident Nude Youths Engaged In A Game of Touch Rugby

Confident Nude Youths Engaged In A Game of Touch Rugby

Some may think the best part of joining a Nudist Colony is the sense of community, the buffet or the regular games of badminton; we here at Trendliest beg to differ.  The most appealing part of being a Nudist is getting to see boobs.  Any time there are boobs on  display no matter how saggy or perky, it will always be considered friendly or trendly.

April 2, 2009 Posted by | Culture, family entertainment, self-help, Sexuality, Social Trends, Travel | , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Join The Parade!

Greetings Trendly Fellows and Fellettes!  Do you consider yourself to be a rugged individualist that feels most at home  when gathered with of a large group that shares the same ethnic makeup or sexual orientation as you?   Do you enjoy paying tribute to the stereotypical inklings of your kind by marching down a crowded street or cheering at those who do?  Whether you’re Gay, Irish, a gay Irishman, or just plain thankful that most of the Native Americans have been killed off, the best way to manifest these winning character traits is to indulge in the latest marker of social trendliness, putting your pride on Parade!

071030_thanksgiving_vmed_10awidec

No one knows where the term “Parade” came from, it is thought that it is derived from the ancient magazine “Hit Parader” which Axl Rose dissed in his song “Get In The Ring” on 1991’s Use Your Illusion II album.  Others think it comes from the Latin for “Par” meaning “to march” and “ade” meaning “wearing cutoff denim shorts and rollerblades.”

Not Quite A Full On Par-Ade

Not Quite A Full On Par-Ade

Parades have been in existence since the days of Roman rule when offenders of Roman law would be “Paraded” through streets of Jerusalem on their way to be crucified, so that those being sent to their death would see just how the public felt about them being sent to their death.  Most of the time these criminals were showered with “boos” and large stone projectiles to add insult to their imminent demise.  The chief offender was often held on high upon a moving platform and deemed the “Grand Marshall”.  The Grand Marshall would not only bear the brunt of  the ire of the people, but upon crucifixion had the daunting task of leading his fellow lawbreakers in the singing of “Always Look on The Bright Side of Life.” Failure to do so would result in a swift stabbing.

The most notable of early parade Grand Marshalls was Jesus H. Christ, who it is said, did a pretty dynamite job in getting not only his fellow inmates to sing, but also the crowd of onlookers.  As a result, he has a great deal of people who still follow his teachings that basically say, “You’ll see it’s all a show, keep on laughing as you go. Just remember that the last laugh is on you…and don’t forget to eat my body and drink my blood too.”

Jesus Bears The Brunt of Being an Early Grand Marshall

Jesus Bears The Brunt of Being an Early Grand Marshall

Modern day parades have evolved quite a bit from the spectacle of savage death-fests of Roman times.  Today they are largely celebratory affairs in which people show off their knack for stereotypical behavior they would normally boycott a movie over if said movie had someone of their heritage acting in a vaguely similar way.  They also happily impede on the personal space of those not interested in their spectacle in a show of sheer, obnoxious joy.  There are many occasions today that are seen as parade-worthy.

A Likeness of St. Patrick Marches Down A Crowded Parade Route

A Likeness of St. Patrick Marches Down A Crowded Parade Route

On St. Patrick’s day Irish people and people who pretend to be Irish- because on this day they’re not considered ‘alcoholics’ – gather together en masse on the streets of any number of cities imbibing green beer so that it might fill them with the liquid courage necessary to clear that city of snakes by urinating in public.  The gay pride parade gives homosexuals the chance to tell the entire city just how much they like civil rights and rainbows, while both the Columbus and Thanksgiving day parades give cause for white americans to taunt the remaining Native American population by annually showing up in greater numbers and pushing them out of the way to get a better view of floats..  No matter how you slice it, parades require the participation of plenty of enthusiastic parties.  And if that many people are excited about something, than it’s almost certainly trendly.

February 24, 2009 Posted by | Religion, Sexuality, Social Trends | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Get Some Air

Are you looking to rock and roll all nite and be trendly every day?  Well, there’s no better way to show your dedication to making sweet music than taking up a brand new instrument for the sole purpose of making the opposite sex swoon.  We know getting a brand new Oboe or Xylophone can set you back a few hundred bucks, but don’t fret, because you don’t need frets to pay homage to your heavy metal brethren and set your crush’s heart aflutter.  Dishing out dollars for a 16-string bass or even a lethal Les Paul is so last millenium.  After all if the music is in you, you don’t need an instrument at all, because the trendliest way to show that you’ve got what it takes to make people come down with a case of the hippy-hippy shakes is to dazzle them  with a dose of the instrument you play best…no…not your genitalia…we’re talking about Air Guitar!

For centuries people have been playing air instruments.  Why, when Jesus first met his first Angel and heard their sweet sounds of her harp, you best believe he started strumming and plucking the ether (not his genitalia).  But It wasn’t until the America’s Revolutionary War that air instrumentation truly started being en vogue.  It was during this major confrontation that many a soldier began to play “air snare” as the bands that led the Colonists into battle against the British were almost always the first to be slaughtered due to their lack of firearm, and so soldiers had to create the illusion of drumming as they headed into battle with their equally air instrument-reliant enemy.

The Fate of Many a Revolutionary War Drummer

Now that war has been all-but eradicated (or at least war bands have save for the actual band “War”) the vast public has needed a new motivation for air instrumentation.  Luckily for people, in the past three hundred years, sex was invented…and nothing gets the ladies and gents more revved up for sex than seeing just how dexterous their potential partner can be as he or she rocks out to Boston’s 1976 Self-titled album showing that if they actually were holding a guitar, or their genitalia, they might possibly know the chord progression to “Smokin’.”  Who knows maybe a mastery of all that faux-guitar heroism will earn them the title of World Champion Air Guitarist.  Suck on that Slash.

August 19, 2008 Posted by | Music, Sexuality, Social Trends | , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Clarinet Hero


Hey Trend Stars, Do you like to rock out with your cochlea held firmly in place within your inner ear? Your friendly guides to the trend universe here at The Trendliest certainly do. However, we don’t like to rock out to the sound industrial noise or crying children, we prefer to”get the led out” with a healthy dose of music. For our ears there’s no sound trendlier than the sweet song emitted by, you guessed it, the Clarinet. Formerly referred to as the “Licorice Stick” due to the fact that it was it was invented by Charles Q. Licorice who used it as the first prototype for flavored edible wood, the original product manufactured unsuccessfully by the Twizzler corporation, this single-reeded sparkplug has been a pivotal element to all of the hottest tunes rising up the Billboard 100 charts. Artists as diverse as 50 Cent and and The Game are busting the rhymes with backing beats adorned with squeaky but sultry clarinet loops. Even Saxophone superstar Kenny G recently retired his tenor tool to get all handsy with the trendy friendly tunemaker.

So why all the fuss over this influential instrument. Well, we’d like to think it has something to do with the release of mega-successful music-oriented video games like “Woodwind Hero”, “Marching Band” and “Jazz Band”. The extreme difficulty of the latter has led kids to put down their virtual versions and actually get acquainted with the real thing. Young males seem hop to the fact that chicks dig musicians and as a result have begun taking up the Clarinet in droves. It’s a good thing their school music programs are so well funded. They’re practically teaching their kids music and sex ed at the same time, which is certainly a trendly way to deal with school budget issues.
It’s not just kids who are involved, celebrities are also creating a Clarinet cacophony. Word on the street is uber-trendly Hollywood director Woody Allen met his wife-daughter after a pedophilia fueled performance by his Clarinet quintet. Perhaps she was a fan of his earlier films like Manhattan and Zelig, but we prefer to think it was the way he wielded that Licorice Stick. There’s something irresistibly trendy and friendly about someone who knows their way around a Clarinet.

April 4, 2008 Posted by | Celebrities, Education, Music, Sexuality | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

The Electric Slide

Hey Trend Fans, Welcome to the Wide World of Trendliness. You might as well call me your Trendly neighborhood Trendcaster, Howard Trendsell…or not… Either way, I’m still going tell you about what is currently all the rage. So far we’ve given you the low down on everything from beverages to ways to get that total slut best friend of yours to tell you how far she went on her date last night, even if she might not be so keen on sharing the news. Well, today at the Trendliest we are not going to pull a total 180 degree turn so much as we’re going to do a triple salchow to land us in the realm of Sport.

Yes indeed, sports are certainly a friendly trend to all beings. They’re not just for straight men who like knocking each other around on and off of the fields of play as well as in the locker room. Sports are for everyone. One sport in particular that has caught our eye aside from curling (we love to sweep) is the doubles luge. Not only is doubles luge trendy because of its sleek and stylish form fitting suits and the speed at which the sled travels, but also because it’s a socially acceptable alternative to gay marriage.

While the Catholic Church may not approve of two people of the same sex laying together in sin, they can usually say nothing but, “go team” when it comes to two people of the same sex…their bodies intertwined with bulging genitalia pressed against one another, sliding down a curved mountain track at thrilling speeds as the participants experience an overly exhilarating rush unlike anything else in the world. Doubles Luge…it involves all the trendy aspects of a homosexual relationship and it’s Catholic Church friendly. Plus, in no state in the Union is it illegal to form a doubles luge team. You can’t get more trendly than that! Luge away!

April 2, 2008 Posted by | Religion, Sexuality | , , , , , | 1 Comment