Greetings sometimes followers of the latest trendly goings on. It’s been far too long since you’ve seen our smiling faces and glowing witticisms on this here page. If only there were some way we could make it up to you that didn’t involve monetary appropriations or sexual favors. We’ve got it! How about we resume our position as the standard bearers of the latest in all that is both friendly and trendy by posting something new? Sound good? No? Well, then we guess we’re just going to have to offer you a heartfelt apology, which just so happens to be the latest friendly trend in public discourse.
Plenty of people in this world are capable of committing unspeakable acts of immorality such as actively engaging in genocide, offering free health care and forgetting to tip their server. All too often those heinous occurrences go unchecked without even the slightest acknowledgment of any wrongdoing. Lately though those who have committed a heinous act against their fellow man have seen fit to right their wrongs by publicly proclaiming “mea culpa” for their questionable decisions that stand to jeopardize their status as the world’s foremost athlete, restaurant patron, or douchebag tattoo-sleeved guitar player of easy listening music.
Whether you’ve offended people by outing your penis’s racist tendencies, not providing boundaries for your penis, or just simply not posting on your blog for a really long time; it’s important to acknowledge that the road to ruin was paved with good intentions. Unfortunately that road is only big enough for penis-shaped cars or vehicles driven by your ego. While you were busy thinking with your genitalia, guitar, and/or wallet your well-intending actions -no matter how private- were busy hurting the feelings of millions of people you have never even met who obviously look up to you as a role model.
The only way to right this wrong is to offer an utterly sincere admission of guilt and probable sex addiction as reasons for your lapse in judgment. After all, you could’ve spent so much time being the best you you could be if only you weren’t so busy looking at porn or shamelessly flirting with the girl you paid to have sex with.
So how does one offer a sincere apology to those wronged souls also known as sponsors, professional sports associations, or Twitter followers? Well, there are several different methods sweeping the nation:
The most popular and readily available is the press conference. The media loves a good admission of wrongdoing and what better way to do it than in real-time in front of cameras and microphones before the entire world. Not only will it magnify the extent of whatever you’re admitting, but it also makes you seem sorrier. Whether you cheated on your wife or your SATs and need to tell someone, there’s a good chance ESPN or TMZ will cover it, provided you schedule it during The World Series of Poker or when Britney Spears is not driving to the mall.
The second most popular form of apology is through the purchasing of gifts. While this form of contrition won’t achieve the level of international forgiveness on the scale of a press conference; it goes to show those you have injured that your actions, while selfish, put enough money in your pocket to afford expensive chocolates or a used Mazda Miata. It also helps to stimulate the economy, which is always friendly and trendy.
The third most popular form of forgiveness also happens to be the least beneficial to the economy. It’s known as the simple action apology. The simple action apology is a personal admission of wrongdoing popularly expressed via language or sexual favors and sometimes both. It requires an audience of five or less and often occurs during an intervention or after the receipt of a credit card bill that reveals frequent trips to the strip club.
Although apologies may be the latest friendly trend, it’s important to note that one errs on the side of unpopularity when expressing such regrets to loved ones. After all, being in love means never having to say you’re sorry.
February 22, 2010 Posted by evankessler | Celebrities, Gifts, Methods, Relationships, Social Trends | Ali Macgraw, apologies, Britney Spears, cheating, ESPN, John Mayer, Love Story, Mazda Miata, Ryan O'Neal, sexual indiscretions, Tiger Woods, TMZ, TMZ.com, twitter, World Series of Poker | Leave a comment
Greetings Trendly Tweeters and Facebook status flirts. Do you spend the majority of your day tethered to an electronic device not designed to give you sexual pleasure?Are you fully up to speed on the whereabouts and goings on of all of the seven hundred people in your online network yet draw a blank every time you try to imagine what their voice sounds like? And when it comes to your own voice do you have trouble remembering whether it’s more nasal, manly, or just somewhere in between? If you said yes to all of those it’s time to clear the cobwebs in your throat and get familiar with a trend that, well, used to be really popular a year or two ago…the trend of actual conversation.
Yes ladies and trend-tleman the oral adventure that is human communication has taken many forms since the lord created man on the seventh day and then planted evolutionary clues to convince scientists their whims had the slightest merit. Early man used grunts and hisses to impart such important notions as “please pass the salt” and “I’m going to go hit that pig over the head many times with a club so that we can have it for dinner and then rape that female.” While we were on track to develop a complex language based on those hisses and grunts for quite awhile, the almighty himself deferred communicative ease for a few years after an unsatisfactory architecture experiment at Babel. This failed “tower” project not only made conversation impossible but it allowed for the worldwide spread of mankind and development of different linguistic characteristics to the point where we needed a phrasebook to figure out what people like Dennis Miller and the French were talking about.
Thanks to the advent of technology and the imperialistic notions of such nations as Great Britain, The United States of America and Finland, there is now an “international language” that doesn’t involve sexual favors for the exchange of spices. That language is “innovation” and that innovation usually comes with an English instruction manual and now includes visual aides typed via computer. While mankind has fought so hard to bring themselves closer together, many technological advances have provided the ruse of progress due to the fact that while we think sharing links of kitty videos over the Internet is uniting us, we will never actually get to see the people who we are sharing those videos with naked and in person.
However, thanks to the potential re-embrace of the idea of actual conversation people are talking, talking about people, and not only that, those very same people are now starting to remember that face to face interaction and chronic halitosis is a lot more desirable than chronic carpal tunnel syndrome and blurred vision. So that’s why we here at Trendliest are urging you to put down that Twitter, head down to the local pub and buy yourself something bitter and talk it out with some of your best buds instead of typing it. Give those vocal chords the workout they’ve been begging for.
May 15, 2009 Posted by evankessler | Language, Social Trends, Technology | Communication, conversation, Dennis Miller, French people, Great Britain, Internet, Sexual favors, spices, Tower of Babel, twitter, UK, United States of American, voice | Leave a comment
Greetings creatures of the fashionable flesh. Are you often met with vacant stares when you remove your pants to feel the air down there? Are you the type of person who who enjoys baring more than your soul while playing nine holes? Do you long to visit a tropical paradise where the wind blows through the palm trees and your undercarriage? And finally, are you a high school principle or retired haberdasher with a front-butt and revolting genitalia who would feel more secure if everyone knew what you were packing all of the time? Well, why didn’t you say so? You’re qualified to hit up the friendly trendy new hot spots that are sprouting up almost as often as your freshly shorn pubic hair. We’re not talking about locker rooms, but the friendliest and trendiest new form of communal living…Nudist Colonies.
Nudist colonies have been existence since the earliest man couldn’t figure out how to skin a fern, but since then civilization has forsaken all forms of open air, be it warm or cold in order to hide their sexy parts from each other in order to lamely maintain an air of mystery about themselves. However, as time has worn on and films as diverse as Debbie Does Dallas and Aladdin have dropped the double entendre in favor of straight up entendre…human beings have more and more often been getting down to the nitty gritty by basically spending the majority of their waking hours trying to see each other naked. The advent of nudist colonies came as a direct result of this basic human desire to undress one another.
Nudist Colonies are usually located in areas distant from population centers due to the fact that most inhabitants have been shunned by those same group of human beings that have no desire to see certain disrobe and wish they’d all just hide in the woods out of plain sight with their pubic forestry blending in with the actual forestry. However, amongst their accepted equals these nudists maintain that the human body is a beautiful an not at all awkward thing that should be embraced whether one is fishing, eating, or just plain singing karaoke.
While most of these flesh farms consist largely of bare elders, there is a growing youth movement. The younger population in these environments tend to be very well educated and absolutely fearless on account of the fact that they never have that recurring nightmare when they’re standing naked at the front of the classroom. And in our estimation the proliferation of a confident youth class is most decidedly trendly.
Some may think the best part of joining a Nudist Colony is the sense of community, the buffet or the regular games of badminton; we here at Trendliest beg to differ. The most appealing part of being a Nudist is getting to see boobs. Any time there are boobs on display no matter how saggy or perky, it will always be considered friendly or trendly.
April 2, 2009 Posted by evankessler | Culture, family entertainment, self-help, Sexuality, Social Trends, Travel | Aladdin, badminton, boobs, Debbie Does Dallas, eating, entendre, fishing, karaoke, Macy Gray, Nude Touch Rugby, Nudist Colonies, Nudity, the human body | Leave a comment
Greetings Trendly Fellows and Fellettes! Do you consider yourself to be a rugged individualist that feels most at home when gathered with of a large group that shares the same ethnic makeup or sexual orientation as you? Do you enjoy paying tribute to the stereotypical inklings of your kind by marching down a crowded street or cheering at those who do? Whether you’re Gay, Irish, a gay Irishman, or just plain thankful that most of the Native Americans have been killed off, the best way to manifest these winning character traits is to indulge in the latest marker of social trendliness, putting your pride on Parade!
No one knows where the term “Parade” came from, it is thought that it is derived from the ancient magazine “Hit Parader” which Axl Rose dissed in his song “Get In The Ring” on 1991’s Use Your Illusion II album. Others think it comes from the Latin for “Par” meaning “to march” and “ade” meaning “wearing cutoff denim shorts and rollerblades.”
Parades have been in existence since the days of Roman rule when offenders of Roman law would be “Paraded” through streets of Jerusalem on their way to be crucified, so that those being sent to their death would see just how the public felt about them being sent to their death. Most of the time these criminals were showered with “boos” and large stone projectiles to add insult to their imminent demise. The chief offender was often held on high upon a moving platform and deemed the “Grand Marshall”. The Grand Marshall would not only bear the brunt of the ire of the people, but upon crucifixion had the daunting task of leading his fellow lawbreakers in the singing of “Always Look on The Bright Side of Life.” Failure to do so would result in a swift stabbing.
The most notable of early parade Grand Marshalls was Jesus H. Christ, who it is said, did a pretty dynamite job in getting not only his fellow inmates to sing, but also the crowd of onlookers. As a result, he has a great deal of people who still follow his teachings that basically say, “You’ll see it’s all a show, keep on laughing as you go. Just remember that the last laugh is on you…and don’t forget to eat my body and drink my blood too.”
Modern day parades have evolved quite a bit from the spectacle of savage death-fests of Roman times. Today they are largely celebratory affairs in which people show off their knack for stereotypical behavior they would normally boycott a movie over if said movie had someone of their heritage acting in a vaguely similar way. They also happily impede on the personal space of those not interested in their spectacle in a show of sheer, obnoxious joy. There are many occasions today that are seen as parade-worthy.
On St. Patrick’s day Irish people and people who pretend to be Irish- because on this day they’re not considered ‘alcoholics’ – gather together en masse on the streets of any number of cities imbibing green beer so that it might fill them with the liquid courage necessary to clear that city of snakes by urinating in public. The gay pride parade gives homosexuals the chance to tell the entire city just how much they like civil rights and rainbows, while both the Columbus and Thanksgiving day parades give cause for white americans to taunt the remaining Native American population by annually showing up in greater numbers and pushing them out of the way to get a better view of floats.. No matter how you slice it, parades require the participation of plenty of enthusiastic parties. And if that many people are excited about something, than it’s almost certainly trendly.
February 24, 2009 Posted by evankessler | Religion, Sexuality, Social Trends | Axl Rose, Native Americans, Irish People, St. Patrick's Day, Civil Rights, Thanksgiving, homosexuality, St. Patrick, alcholism, pride, gay pride parade, Jesus Christ, Columbus Day, Parades, crucifixion, Grand Marshall, Hit Parader, Get In The Ring, cutoff jean shorts, rollerblades, Romans, stereotypes, rainbows, Use Your Illusion II, Gay Irish people, Monty Python | 1 Comment
Are you looking to rock and roll all nite and be trendly every day? Well, there’s no better way to show your dedication to making sweet music than taking up a brand new instrument for the sole purpose of making the opposite sex swoon. We know getting a brand new Oboe or Xylophone can set you back a few hundred bucks, but don’t fret, because you don’t need frets to pay homage to your heavy metal brethren and set your crush’s heart aflutter. Dishing out dollars for a 16-string bass or even a lethal Les Paul is so last millenium. After all if the music is in you, you don’t need an instrument at all, because the trendliest way to show that you’ve got what it takes to make people come down with a case of the hippy-hippy shakes is to dazzle them with a dose of the instrument you play best…no…not your genitalia…we’re talking about Air Guitar!
For centuries people have been playing air instruments. Why, when Jesus first met his first Angel and heard their sweet sounds of her harp, you best believe he started strumming and plucking the ether (not his genitalia). But It wasn’t until the America’s Revolutionary War that air instrumentation truly started being en vogue. It was during this major confrontation that many a soldier began to play “air snare” as the bands that led the Colonists into battle against the British were almost always the first to be slaughtered due to their lack of firearm, and so soldiers had to create the illusion of drumming as they headed into battle with their equally air instrument-reliant enemy.
The Fate of Many a Revolutionary War Drummer
Now that war has been all-but eradicated (or at least war bands have save for the actual band “War”) the vast public has needed a new motivation for air instrumentation. Luckily for people, in the past three hundred years, sex was invented…and nothing gets the ladies and gents more revved up for sex than seeing just how dexterous their potential partner can be as he or she rocks out to Boston’s 1976 Self-titled album showing that if they actually were holding a guitar, or their genitalia, they might possibly know the chord progression to “Smokin’.” Who knows maybe a mastery of all that faux-guitar heroism will earn them the title of World Champion Air Guitarist. Suck on that Slash.
Hey Trendly ladies and gentlemen. We don’t think we’ve seen you here before. Do you come here often? Oh, you’re a regular Trendliest reader. Oh, then odds are we won’t have to convince you to come home with us, but if you were new to this site we’d lay on the charm via the use of the trendliest method of seduction, The Pick-Up line.
The pick-up line originated in the mid 1970’s when two Americans, in preparation for a night out at the Montreal clubs, flipped through a French-English dictionary to figure out how to ask French Canadians if they want to have sex. They came up with “Do you want to go to bed with me?” or “Voulez-vous coucher avec moi?”
Unfortunately the two men in question were extremely ugly and ended up being turned down by every woman they met that evening…including two or three prostitutes who when later asked said they preferred the honest approach of a simple hello. Luckily, for the two men in question they turned their sexual woes into the smash hit “Lady Marmalade” and even though no women ever believed them when they tried to impress them with their songwriting credits, they ended up very rich…and alone.
Preferred A Simple Hello
The pick-up line has since evolved into an increasingly awkward yet charming art with literally thousands of permutations on the original formula. Most of these enticing inquiries are only successful when the person doing the wooing is dressed in a ridiculous outfit and has had his or her tips professionally frosted.
The following is a list of some of the more popular pick up lines that are sure to help you achieve the friendly and trendy goal of getting the object of your affection to notice you because you’ll be talking to them.
1. Yo bitch…Can I holla?
2. I can see your pants in that mirror…I’m in that mirror. I think both me and your pants are in that mirror.
3. You’re pretty like Stevie Nicks.
Stevie Nicks…The Current Gold Standard of Beauty
4. I’m Enrique Iglesias.
5. Shall I phone you or nudge you?
6. When we get out of jail…I’m going to love you forever…if we get out of jail.
7. I lease a ’95 Chrysler Sebring.
8. When you stepped out of heaven did they have to kill someone to make an angel to replace you…because I think killing is morally reprehensible.
9. When in Rome or wherever it is we are, do me.
10. Twenty dollars for one song!
Hopefully, these lines can be of some assistance in curing your lovelorn state, but you’ll never know unless you get out there and put them to the test. The proof is in the trendly pudding.
August 5, 2008 Posted by evankessler | Celebrities, Methods, Romance, Social Trends | Chrysler Sebring, Enrique Iglesias, lap dances, Mystery, Pick Up Artist, pick up lines, Rome, Stevie Nicks, trendliest | 1 Comment
Hello little Trendilinis. How are you doing today? What’s that, you don’t like when we call you our little Trendilinis? Oh, our bad. Look, we’ll make a deal with you; you tell us what you want to be called and from now on that’s what we’ll call you, because when it comes to reinventing yourself giving yourself a nickname is just about the trendliest thing you can do.
There’s no better way to conquer insecurity than to show everyone that names don’t hurt you…as long as they’re names that come from a pre-approved list. After all being called “Taz”or “The Rickster Scale” is heaps better than being called a “Midtown Douche” or “That Asshole In Ad Sales” even though they ostensibly carry the same meaning.
Give “The Rickster Scale” A Moment…He’s Busy
Once you come up with a suitable nickname that accurately portrays your character, “Carrot Top”, you have to be sure to get it into everyone’s head. There’s no better way to do that than to refer to yourself in the third person (another potentially trendly practice). For example, “The Mac Daddy is going to put his pants backwards” and “The Kid is going to his 58th birthday party.”
It’ll take a while for everyone to realize who you’re talking about, but once they’ve figured it out you’ll be on easy street. Even though most people will originally consider your new nickname a joke, turning them around is simple. All you have to do is start insisting on responding to that nickname and that nickname alone and they’ll be forced to employ it in everyday conversation, ultimately bending them to your will…and really what’s more trendly than getting people to bend to your will. Not much…And we should know best, The Trendliest isn’t our real name.
Hey Untrendly Haters, What’s down? We here at Trendliest hope you’re having the positively dreadful day that you don’t deserve. Say you readers seem to be a little confused. We’re not accusing you of disliking our site or saying we hope your life is awful (or aren’t we?), but if that’s what you took from the first sentence, you obviously haven’t caught up to the latest conversational trend…declaring opposite day.
Opposite day is when you don’t mean anything you say, but rather the exact opposite. It was first utilized by Marie Antoinette during the French Revolution as “le jour contraire”, when she uttered the famous words “let them eat cake” referring to the peasant class. Unaware that the peasant class had no knowledge of the new aristocratic practice they were insulted by the Queen’s ignorance to their plight. That being said, the intended sentiment of “Let them eat feces” probably would have resulted in a much more swift death via guillotine.
The practice of Le Jour Contraire traveled overseas in time for the 1928 Presidential Election when Herbert Hoover declared that every American family would have “a chicken in every pot and a car in every garage,” after which he was heard uttering sinisterly to a campaign staffer, “I hate opposite day..ha…ha”. Again, unaware of what day it was, the country bought Hoover’s message of hope, hook, line, and sinker. Nearly a year later the country was mired in the Great Depression or as Hoover referred to it in other prominent addresses to a struggling nation, “The Wee Excitement.” Nearly Fifty years later Ronald Reagan famously invoked opposite day rules yet again when speaking of “trickle-down economics.”
Until recently, the mystery of Opposite Day was hidden in the Presidential Book of Secrets, though a few fellow politicians that happened to be members of The Skulls starring Joshua Jackson, shared the clandestine code with fellow fraternity members who in trying to lessen the organization’s iron clad grip on their lives leaked it’s practice to the proletariat and elementary school children. The trend spread so fast throughout the country without the proper rules for it’s use being disseminated. This situation came to a head during the 2000 Presidential election when the majority of voters were unaware that they were voting on an opposite day (with opposite side of the street parking rules in effect) and stamped their ballots for Al Gore accidentally handing over the reins of the position of most powerful office in the world to George W. Bush. Luckily, Mr. Bush ended up being the right man for the job, leading the United States and the world to eight years of peace and prosperity…and really there’s nothing more trendly than peace, prosperity and continued economic gain…well, except for opposite day.
June 23, 2008 Posted by evankessler | Celebrities, Language, Methods, Social Trends | Al Gore, Book of Secrets, George W. Bush, Herbert Hoover, Joshua Jackson, Language, Marie Antoinette, MC Skat Kat, opposite day, Paula Abdul, Political, Presidential Election, The Skulls, trends | Leave a comment
Hello trendly soldiers in the army of love, is that your face we see firmly planted in the bosom and/or crotch of your lover? Oh don’t stop on our account. We here at The Trendliest are all for your not so covert romantic tryst. Not only do we think your need to consummate your relationship in our presence is rather touching, but it’s also overflowing with trendliness. After all, public displays of affection are all the rage these days.
Seeing couples out on street corners sucking face no matter what the weather, is pretty much the norm no matter where in the world you or Carmen Sandiego are. Have you ever stopped to think why you’ve managed to happen upon so many used condoms while strolling the park or traipsing down a sidestreet? Well, those condoms strewn about are a result of a public display of affection…or a quickie attempt at spreading chlamydia. Either way it was done where others might see the act take place, because at least one of the parties involved totally gets off on doing “it” (“it: meaning affection) in public.
Public displays of affection or “PDAs” as they’re commonly referred to by onlookers or Palm Treo users, aren’t limited to outdoor locations. They can occur in a busy store or restaurant. Really what’s better than showing the unsupervised neighborhood children running around at the local coffee shop how your tongue looks in your significant other’s mouth as you inform her of your pressing need to be “inside her”? After all, they have to learn what love is some time and seeing as their local Republican Congressman successfully lobbied to remove sexual education from their school’s curriculum they’d otherwise end up flying blind. However, thanks to trendly public displays of affection, kids can learn about the birds and the bees in a more realistic, less sterile environment such as Barnes and Noble.
Whether or not you consider yourself a member of Generation X, Generation Y, The MTV Generation, or The Generation that really hates to be labeled with letters; if you’re under the age of 40, odds are that you’re currently lumped into a new generation known as the Social Networking Generation. Ever since the dawn of Friendster sometime around 2003, it’s been totally trendy to have a digital space to show all of your friends how many other friends you have just in case you want to make them jealous that you might have other people to hang out with besides them or if you want your other friends to find someone attractive within your group of friends that they don’t know that they may want to have unprotected sex with and/or fall in deep like with.
Aside from the glory that comes along with showing off the fact that you are semi-acquainted with more than 116 people, there are some thrilling occurrences that go along with Social Networking. Perhaps the biggest thrill comes from a group of Social Networkers which we here at The Trendliest call the “Woodworks”. The “Woodworks” are the group of people from your past who you may have met in school or perhaps during a boating accident that come seemingly out of nowhere or from the deep recesses of the forest known as the Internet to declare that you are indeed friends with them despite having been out of your life for somewhere between ten to fifteen years. While there are a decent portion of these so-called “Woodworks” that are recognized as welcome additions, many of them might as well go back to existing in the vacuum where they came from.
So why do they do it? Why do these “Woodworks” feel the need to re-establish contact with your metaphorical mission control? Maybe they’re hoping to rekindle a long dormant friendship or rehash some of the good ol’ times. While those possibilities sound marginally fantastic, chances are they just want to add you to their impressive roster of people they sort of know, but aren’t planning on speaking to or getting together with any time soon. No matter how curious you are about their well being or their whereabouts…all you are to them is a personal ornament on display for their own popularity’s sake that they can occasionally spy on.
This begs the question, why even accept woodworks into your social networking circle? Well, trendly Internet denizen, while there is no positively concrete answer to this query, there are certain acceptable responses; the first being that becoming friends with a “woodwork” may arouse enough curiosity in said person that they might see fit to rediscover your once unbreakable bond. However, the most popular reason for acceptance of said netquaintances is the hope that adding them to your friend roster will result in a future hand job or awkward sexual encounter made possible by a binge drinking outing.
Yes, the Social Networking Era…has blessed us with many gifts. We have the ability to play Scrabulous with our friends online or digitally “poke them” when we’re not physically trying to poke them. However, one thing still persists and that’s the “Woodworks”. Nary a day goes by when someone doesn’t come out of the woodwork to say, “Hey Trendliest, we were friends once…let’s be friends and ignore each other just like old times.” Yes, friendship with absolutely, positively no commitment necessary. Now that’s what we call trendly!
The Trendliest is your friendly guide to latest trends. If you need to know what’s hop, hot, or now…well then you’ve got to read it. Not only is The Trendliest friendly and trendy, but it’s also satirical. So, if you find yourself easily offended by the content, there is a good chance that you are either silly, hyper-sensitive or Canadian. Lighten up Canucks.
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