The Trendliest

A Friendly Guide To The Latest Trends

Looking For Love In All The Right Places

Hey you hopeless trend-mantics. Are you looking for love in all the wrong places like the condom aisle in the Rite-Aid or the Lenny Kravitz region of your local music store? Have you fallen head over heels only to have the back of your skull hit the sidewalk and leave you with a nasty grade three concussion? Well, shake it off because at least you’re looking…and looking for love is one of the latest trendly social undertakings worth participating in.

Matchmaker Extraordinaire

Way back in the 70’s only high profile athletes and world champion chest hair growers could look for love on shows like “The Dating Game” and “Are We Making Whoopee Yet?” thanks to the greatest matchmaker there ever was, Wink Martindale. In the 1980’s finding true love was way unimportant. Tina Turner was asking what love had to do with anything and the guys in Foreigner didn’t even know what love was. Turns out everyone was too xenophobic to clue them in.

Wanted To Know What Love Was

Didn’t Need Another Hero

Now that it’s the 2000’s…the art of falling in love has completely evolved, making it totally friendly and trendy. Even the most undeserving of average people who just happen to look good naked can look for love and find it almost instantaneously by using the platform of the personalized dating show. Using this method, the person seeking love invites thirty people into their house for two weeks and makes out with all of them unless they’re fat…chosing to “do” only a select few. A camera crew films the proceedings to insure that all participants maintain their dignity and act with charm and grace. At the end of the honorable proceedings the winner of the love competition then does a shot of tequila and marries he or she whom was originally looking for love. They obviously live happily ever after and neither attempts to gain more fame, being completely satisfied with their new lover for the rest of their life. However, they do not completely opt out of the spotlight as the physical consummation of these TV bred relationships is usually a live televised event, often viewed by millions of viewers who are totally into watching married people getting it on.

Tila Tequila Was So Happy About Finding Her First
True Love That She’s At It Again…You Go Girl!

For some reason, not all people choose the personalized dating show angle and opt for more private potential partner explorations. Two acceptable avenues for shut-ins who don’t know how to communicate whilst clothed and might need a computer to tell them that they should meet in public are and The latter is a site aimed at people who want to sit naked in the computer room and pray together without the complication of their own opinions getting in the way. Also, with Wink Martindale out of the picture, who better to help you find love than the lord (or Chuck Woolery)?

So whether you have a hankering for the spotlight…or like to type by the lamplight…rest assured there’s always a trendly way to look for love…now get out there and find love so you can give it away. It’s trendlier to give than receive…but if someone gives it to you first you have to reciprocate. Them’s the rules.


April 28, 2008 Posted by | Love, Social Trends | , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Should We Talk About The Weather?

Hello you cunning linguists. Do you speak trendlinese? Well if you can understand what everyone’s talking about you probably do? If you can’t then you’re obviously unaware that the latest trendly conversation topic jumping off the tip of people’s tongues all over this great planet of ours is none other than the weather. That’s right, every day in elevators, in office buildings across land, sea, air and space, people get together to awkwardly discuss things like temperature, clouds and how that tramp on the third floor looks like she’s dressing for a night at the club rather than a day of the office.

There’s no better way to pass those awkard 42 seconds between the lobby and the 126th floor than to prove just how little you’re willing to intrude on your co-workers lives and simultaneously avoid discussion of your own sordid encounters than the diversionary tactic of mentioning something completely arbitrary that is utterly neutral and factually indisputable, such as weather. If you’re lucky enough to work in a high tech office building where the elevator has a TV with news headlines and weather displayed on the bottom, you don’t even have to force the issue and can even feel free to discuss the weather in other cities as displayed on said screen as well.

This Elevator Ride Could Be A Lot Trendlier

Talking about the weather doesn’t have to be a one-sided affair based on factual statements though, there are ways to make talking about it seem like a two-way friendly discussion. All one has to do is simply mention how cold it is and that you wish it would be summer already…and voila, it’s like you’re at the water cooler discussing that tramp on the third floor again.

Billy Joel has Incredible Weather Savvy

So where are do all of these friendly trendy people get all of their conversational ammunition about barometric pressure? Well there are plenty of ways to learn about the weather so that you may “wow” your elevator mates. The easiest way aside from taking to the streets and interviewing people who are currently outside, is to listen to the Billy Joel song “Storm Front” off of his 1990 album Storm Front, which if played through to the end will alert the listener of “a low pressure system and a northeast breeze…a falling barometer and rising seas,” as well as “cumulonibus and a posible gale” not to mention “a force nine blowing on the Beaufont scale.” However if one is to listen past track six on the album, they’ll end up hearing about a clown in Leningrad…which to most elevator-users is a completely undesirable topic for conversation along the lines of Darfur or the rapture. Another popular method for gaining weather knowledge is by employing a magic 8 ball and asking it if the weather is nice today. If Magic 8 Ball reads “ask again later” the hazy response should clue the user in that he or she will be faced with hazy or busy weather.

Nicolas Cage Talked About The Weather En Route to Gaining His Celebrity

However, the ultimate way to get your hands on whether the Weather is hot or cooler than cool is on the television. Weather forecasting is so trendly that it has it’s own TV network just like other potentially trendly phenomenons like buying useless items (QVC) or dating skanks (MTV/VH1). People tune in from all over the world just to find out that a tornado might hit Oklahoma sometime in the next three hours or that it’s always raining in London so that they never run out of constant conversational ammunition for their upcoming elevator trips. What’s more is that people who can talk about weather constantly on TV end up being national celebrities…and if talking about the weather can make you a celebrity…what’s not trendly about it?

April 24, 2008 Posted by | Social Trends | , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Know What Everyone Is Doing…All of the Time!!!

Hello my Trendlies, Are you doing something friendly and trendy right now? Well how about now? Even if it isn’t trendly, you should probably tell us what it is you’re up to. Why? Because knowing what everyone else is doing all of the time is unbelievably trendly. As you’re reading this I’m doing perhaps the trendliest thing of all, blogging. While blogging may be a hot new way to show a nation on the edge of it’s seat important photos of your cat, it can no way inform people as to your regular whereabouts and goings on. The fact of the matter is everyone wants to know what you’re up to whether you’re in a bathtub getting ready to pop out junior with your midwife, poisoning the water supply in Myanmar or just plain hangin’ out. To put it briefly, you’re not cool unless somebody knows you’re cool. Thanks to technological advances like super computers, cell phones and the Swiffer Sweeper, keeping eager stalkers constantly apprised of your goings on has never been easier.

Way back in 1492 when Columbus sailed the ocean blue he forgot to tell his roommates he was even leaving the house and they were totally pissed when he ditched out without getting someone to sublet. It was four months before they knew he was gone and another two months before they were beheaded in a public square for not paying the full rent. If they could’ve checked his Facebox profile they would’ve seen the phrase “Christopher Columbus is out sailing for a few months” on his status update and put an ad up on Craigslist or on the town square bulletin board and avoided their subsequent guillotine rendezvous. Thanks to sites like Twitter and this is so not a problem. These sites allow users to constantly give people the lowdown on what they’re up to by typing in their daily minutia into a browser so that you never have to exercise those pesky amenities known as their voice or their privacy ever again.

The trendliest people, a.k.a Celebrities, even have their own uber-exclusive telling everyone what they’re doing all the time service called uses a complex system of stalkers with video and photo equipment aimed at the crotches of female celebrities to let the rest of the world know that celebrities never have underwear, always have genitalia, and sometimes go to the supermarket. Now that’s what we call trendly!

April 7, 2008 Posted by | Celebrities, Electronics, Social Trends, Technology | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment