The Trendliest

A Friendly Guide To The Latest Trends

I Want Your Sext

Greetings sexy techies! Do you prefer pushing the touchpad on your swanky new iPhone to that special someone’s love button?  Do your erogenous zones differ depending on what area code you’re in? Is your cell always on vibrate? If you answered “yes,” that means you’re already hip to the hottest trend in getting it on…and that’s getting it on with every sweet young thing in your mobile network via Sexting.

First Person To Figure Out What This Means Has Our Eternal Gratitude

There’s no more romantic way of telling the object of your affection that “u want 2 b with them 2nyt” than by sneaking a photo of your genitalia in the middle of  math class on the same device your mom uses to tell you to come home for chicken and Stove Top. Why keep that air of sensual mystery and intrigue when you can just as easily give up the goods? After all,  if her kiss is on your list, there’s no reason your shaft shouldn’t be on her cellular. Worst case scenario, your entire junior high will be well aware of your physical inadequacy in the nether region. Best case scenario, the clinically-insane-but-hot, young teacher will see the pic and ask you to stay after class to father her children.

Best Case Scenario In Action

The sexy text message is not necessarily a new invention, though it used to be virtually impossible to show your significant other visual evidence of just how close to cutting glass hardness your nipples were?

That being said, the practice of almost immediately titillating your long distance darling with a few simple seductive sentences is as old as that communicative dinosaur known as Morse code.  While it’s well-known that Samuel Morse‘s first telegraphic message was “What hath god wrought!” His follow up message was a simple “A/S/L?” followed by “what are you wearing?”

Get On The Scene: The First Sext Machine

Years later it wasn’t uncommon for wives of Civil War soldiers to receive telegrams via Western Union like the one below:

***************************************************

Dear Cecilia

*Stop*

Thinking of your rear while on the front.

*Stop*

Taking my pants off.

*Stop*

Say hello to the children.  Long live the Union!

Sincerely,

Lt. Sinclair Percy Levingston

*****************************************************

Needless to say, Western Union workers were frequently seen blushing.

While Al Gore’s Internet helped bring technology sex into the 20th century by first allowing sexual predators to converse with minors and send them photos of their genitalia at the same time, desktop computers with dialup modems were highly immobile and relied too much on the inconvenient and often snail-like process of uploading photos for the sharing of nOOdz.

Middle Man Effectively Cut Out

The advent of both the camera phone and smart phone has cut out the middleman, ultimately making the practice of showing off your sprouting mammary glands as easy as saying cheese. You’d certainly be hard-pressed to find something more friendly and trendy than adding push-button convenience and mobility to your illicit encounters.  Until we do, Sexting will remain at the top of the technical, sexual heap.

February 26, 2010 Posted by | Sexuality, Technology | , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Have The Conversation

Greetings Trendly Tweeters and Facebook status flirts. Do you spend the majority of your day tethered to an electronic device not designed to give you sexual pleasure?Are you fully up to speed on the whereabouts and goings on of all of the seven hundred people in your online network yet draw a blank every time you try to imagine what their voice sounds like?  And when it comes to your own voice do you have trouble remembering whether it’s  more nasal, manly, or just somewhere in between?  If you said yes to all of those it’s time to clear the cobwebs in your throat and get familiar with a trend that, well, used to be really popular a year or two ago…the trend of actual conversation.

People Are Talking...Talking 'Bout People

People Are Talking...Talking 'Bout People

Yes ladies and trend-tleman the oral adventure that is human communication has taken many forms since the lord created man on the seventh day and then planted evolutionary clues to convince scientists their whims had the slightest merit.  Early man used grunts and hisses to impart such important notions as “please pass the salt” and “I’m going to go hit that pig over the head many times with a club so that we can have it for dinner and then rape that female.” While we were on track to develop a complex language based on those hisses and grunts for quite awhile, the almighty himself deferred communicative ease for a few years after an unsatisfactory architecture experiment at Babel.  This failed “tower” project not only made conversation impossible but it allowed for the worldwide spread of mankind and development of different linguistic characteristics to the point where we needed a phrasebook to figure out what people like Dennis Miller and the French were talking about.

Tower of Babel: Responsible for Linguistic Leanings of French People and Dennis Miller

Tower of Babel: Responsible for Linguistic Leanings of French People and Dennis Miller

Thanks to the advent of technology and the imperialistic notions of such nations as Great Britain, The United States of America and Finland, there is now an “international language” that doesn’t involve sexual favors for the exchange of spices.   That language is “innovation” and that innovation usually comes with an English instruction manual and now includes visual aides typed via computer.  While mankind has fought so hard to bring themselves closer together, many technological advances have provided the ruse of progress due to the fact that while we think sharing links of kitty videos over the Internet is uniting us, we will never actually get to see the people who we are sharing those videos with naked and in person.

May Actually Get To See Each Other Naked In Person

May Actually Get To See Each Other Naked In Person

However, thanks to the potential re-embrace of the idea of actual conversation people are talking, talking about people, and not only that, those very same people are now starting to remember that face to face interaction and chronic halitosis is a lot more desirable than chronic carpal tunnel syndrome and blurred vision.  So that’s why we here at Trendliest are urging you to put down that Twitter, head down to the local pub and buy yourself something bitter and talk it out with some of your best buds instead of typing it.  Give those vocal chords the workout they’ve been begging for.

May 15, 2009 Posted by | Language, Social Trends, Technology | , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Here Come The Watchmen

Every once in a while something so hop and hot comes along that it defies explanation and makes us view the world in an entirely different light when it comes to just what qualifies as both friendly and trendy.  Previous powerful and puzzling examples along these lines include Crocs, Crystal Meth, and the music of Huey Lewis & The News.   However, seeing as we pride ourselves on being your friendly guide to the latest trends we here at Trendliest are going to do our damnedest to explain the latest trend in portable TV technology, the resurgence of The Watchman or if we were to take the plural form, “Watchmen.”

Not Sure What This Poster Has To Do With Re-release of Portable TVs

Not Sure What This Poster Has To Do With Re-release of Portable TVs

Unless you live in a cave, the area you live in has more likely than not been inundated with confusing advertisements featuring  costume clad beings hyping the release of the rehash of this electronic wonder first released by the Sony Company in 1982 in Japan.  The original Japanese prototype was a man who wore 8 watches on each arm and constantly updated the time in funny voices.  However, Sony soon realized there was no way to replicate this in their factory and instead focused on another definition of the word “watch” noting that people like to “watch” TV.

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Rejected Prototype for the Original WatchMan

The new and improved Watchman made it’s debut in Europe and the United States in 1984 and the public went absolutely gaga over it.  People were hungry for a televisual aid not quite the length of the average man’s penis that they could tote along with them just in case they weren’t going to make it home to catch their favorite local news telecast or reruns of “Too Close For Comfort.”  Watchmen also became excellent time killers for those who were made impatient by the mere thought of waiting on lines, due to the fact that they were illiterate and would have no other means to entertain themselves other than shouting obscenities at passers by as they waited on line to dance at the Palladium.

sony_watchman_fd-210_d

The Watchman: The Face of Innovation

The pocket tv phenomenon began to peter out  in the 90’s well before the  advances of HDTV, wireless internet,  and the ability to watch all of your favorite shows on your iPod,  but it’s inexplicably all the rage yet again even with the switch over to digital television.  Apparently some merchandising brainiacs over at Warner Bros. thought it would be a wonderful idea to license the former fad and re-release it accompanied by a massive marketing campaign.  As it turns out their hunch was right on the money.  Watchmen were released this weekend to a clamoring public who ate up the seemingly obsolete innovation to the tune of $55.4 million.  While there have been a few glitches in the technology such as causing users to turn blue or have their facial features shift around while gazing at such a tiny screen, the reviews have been largely positive.

We here at Trendliest didn’t exactly head down to the Circuit City and snatch one up one of these “Watchmen” to see what all of the fuss is about, but we’re going back to our childhood home this weekend to try to dig our old one  up and sell it on ebay…because that’s where the real money is…and in this economy anything that can net us the real money is certainly friendly and trendy.

March 9, 2009 Posted by | Economy, Electronics, Entertainment, Technology, Television | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Keeping Up With The Jobses

Hey Trendly Spenders are you still enjoying the iPhone you bought way back in 1982, the one that ran on MS-DOS and used a dial up modem. Is your iPod Touch totally out of touch because it’s only running on Japanther OSX? We here at Trendliest think it’s time you got hop to the latest trend, constantly upgrading your personal belongings to keep up with each successive version released.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen there’s no better way to flaunt your massive quantities of disposable income than by sitting in front of your local computer store for fifteen days prior to the release of the new eToothbrush (the world’s first bluetooth toothbrush) so that you might be the first to buy the newer model that holds eight more KB of RAM and two more cubic milliliters of Crest than it’s previous incarnation that you bought just two months prior.

Looks Like It’s Time For An Upgrade

These days technology moves fast and if your new MP3 Player doesn’t have the ability to sync up with your tea kettle or if you can’t check the weather forecast by utilizing your toilet bowl’s main frame computer then you’re hopelessly behind the times and will undoubtedly be the laughing stock of your horrible friends.

The Waiting Is The Hardest Part

To paraphrase Tom Petty, “Waiting in line to upgrade all your gadgets is the hardest part.” However it is totally worth it and in no way makes you a techno-geek, at least according to “Techno Geek Monthly Magazine”. You’ll be just like the millions of other people queued up for the latest releases out of their fondness for long lines, their need to brag about technical capabilities to compensate for a lack of physical and mental advantages, as well as a genuine desire to engage in heated discussions about ethernet ports. Often times lasting relationships are formed solely on the basis of the latter during these waits because really what else are you going to do after talking about ethernet ports besides make out. As everyone knows, any situation that may lead to an upgrade of your love life will always take the trendly cake. Plus, being in a steamy relationship is much trendlier when you’re sending dirty text messages on the latest Blackberry.

July 16, 2008 Posted by | Electronics, Grooming, Technology | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Everybody Loves Cable

Hey you trendly little devils. Did that stint in the PHD program at your local community college not quite work out? Or perhaps your run as a pizza delivery boy was not all the movie Loverboy with Patrick Dempsey made it out to be? If you’re still looking to be all that you can be in the service industry, but haven’t yet found your niche, we here at the Trendliest have yet another friendly and trendy suggestion a fledgling careerist such as yourself can tackle with gusto. We think it’s about time you installed yourself on the trendly path to becoming a Cable Repairman.

Being a cable guy is more than just an opportunity to fulfill your sexual fantasies with bored housewives. It’s a job that allows you to “install new features in your customers unit”, “add quality components to their box”, and with cable’s new internet capabilities “upload large files from their hard drive” or gain a huge following by telling groundbreakingly stupid jokes about your white trash lifestyle. In a world that is increasingly reliant on cable television for entertainment, the Cable Repair Person is a god amongst service industry professionals, so much so that they are free to make their own suggested hours and make clients cater to their “I’ll get there when I get there” sense of duty all the while maintaining the freedom to take plentiful lunch breaks and employ liberal use of their time to run errands in the midst of what appears to be a busy schedule.

If This Van’s A Rockin’

Perhaps the crown jewel of the cable repair job is the Cable Repair van that when pimped out properly can resemble a seductive love den complete with a “If this van’s a rockin’ don’t come a knockin'” bumper sticker. It should be duly noted though that this “love den” should be kept out of site of eight to ten year old demon children curious about cable “hookups”,but more interested in the entrapment of unwitting repair technicians into career and perhaps life-ending molestation charges, which is decidedly unfriendly and untrendy. As long as you steer clear of that one obstacle you should be able to sustain this fruitful and trendly career path to the tops of the repair ranks. Who knows, you may even get to star in a movie about your life, just like famous cable repairmen Jim Carrey and Larry The Cable Guy. What are you waiting for? Git ‘r’ done!

July 14, 2008 Posted by | Careers, Celebrities, Electronics | , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Know What Everyone Is Doing…All of the Time!!!


Hello my Trendlies, Are you doing something friendly and trendy right now? Well how about now? Even if it isn’t trendly, you should probably tell us what it is you’re up to. Why? Because knowing what everyone else is doing all of the time is unbelievably trendly. As you’re reading this I’m doing perhaps the trendliest thing of all, blogging. While blogging may be a hot new way to show a nation on the edge of it’s seat important photos of your cat, it can no way inform people as to your regular whereabouts and goings on. The fact of the matter is everyone wants to know what you’re up to whether you’re in a bathtub getting ready to pop out junior with your midwife, poisoning the water supply in Myanmar or just plain hangin’ out. To put it briefly, you’re not cool unless somebody knows you’re cool. Thanks to technological advances like super computers, cell phones and the Swiffer Sweeper, keeping eager stalkers constantly apprised of your goings on has never been easier.

Way back in 1492 when Columbus sailed the ocean blue he forgot to tell his roommates he was even leaving the house and they were totally pissed when he ditched out without getting someone to sublet. It was four months before they knew he was gone and another two months before they were beheaded in a public square for not paying the full rent. If they could’ve checked his Facebox profile they would’ve seen the phrase “Christopher Columbus is out sailing for a few months” on his status update and put an ad up on Craigslist or on the town square bulletin board and avoided their subsequent guillotine rendezvous. Thanks to sites like Twitter and Tellmewhatyouredoingallofthetime.com this is so not a problem. These sites allow users to constantly give people the lowdown on what they’re up to by typing in their daily minutia into a browser so that you never have to exercise those pesky amenities known as their voice or their privacy ever again.

The trendliest people, a.k.a Celebrities, even have their own uber-exclusive telling everyone what they’re doing all the time service called TMZ.com. TMZ.com uses a complex system of stalkers with video and photo equipment aimed at the crotches of female celebrities to let the rest of the world know that celebrities never have underwear, always have genitalia, and sometimes go to the supermarket. Now that’s what we call trendly!

April 7, 2008 Posted by | Celebrities, Electronics, Social Trends, Technology | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

War and What It’s Good For


Hey there Trendinistas, it’s your favorite oral surgeon Dr. Trendberg here to give you 10cc’s of TrendicilTM STAT! We here at The Trendliest feel it’s our God-given duty to inform you, Joe and Janette Public, of what’s hot, happening and hottt. Today we’re featuring what’s sure to be the hot-button topic (Editor’s Note: Not to be confused with Hot Topic) at your local office’s water cooler: WAR!

Yes, that’s right. It seems like you can’t go anywhere these days without bumping into a war of sorts. On the subway car, a rider accidentally jostles another passenger and before you know it someone is shouting, “Please, for the love of God, put down the surface-to-air missile!” Meanwhile, in the town library, an ill-tempered youth tests a nuclear warhead in the Young Adult section.

Yes, war is most definitely trendly. Since its humble beginnings in the early-to-mid 1400s war has been the most effective communication tool ever to be developed by high-functioning organisms. Though wars have been downplayed and received little to no media attention in recent times, our great barbaric pastime is seeing a bountiful resurgence with today’s trend-setting youth. Thanks to the Internet chat rooms, history textbooks and to a lesser extent, the water cooler; war stories and stories of war are being delivered by old timers to a hungry audience yearning for the days of yore. So, the next time you’re walking down a crowded street and you bump another person, don’t say “sorry” like a hippie (hippies are so 80’s) – respond with your fists in the air at the ready for some serious pummeling…provided of course, you have the support of Congress, the trendliest government body of them all.

April 1, 2008 Posted by | Current Events, Electronics, Government, Nostalgia, Technology | , , , , , | Leave a comment

Close Shave

Everybody knows beards are trendy. Why are beards so obviously trendy? Well, I have a beard and I’m a trend setter so they must be in vogue. That being said, if you want to maintain your fashionable facial hair, you’re going to need the hottest beard trimmer there is. We here at The Trendliest recommend using the Remington MB-400 Titanium Precision Pro Rechargeable Vacuum Mustache & Beard Trimmer .

While it’s name might be a little on the long side that doesn’t mean your fuzz has to be. The Titanium boasts 9 preset lengths to make sure your goatee is good to go and that your five o’clock shadow doesn’t resemble midnight muttonchops. Our “Trendly” recommendation, stick to the 3 or 4 preset. Anything less and you’ll look like Mickey Rourke; anything more and you may run the risk of looking like former WWF Superstar Hillbilly Jim or one of the guys from ZZ Top whose last name isn’t Beard. The Titanium beard trimmer also has a neat vacuum feature that sucks up the hair you just shaved and sometimes flings it around the proximity of your sink…assuming you’re standing over your sink, making for easy disposal as you wash away your former bristles down the drain. That’s convenient and downright Trendly!

You can purchase this ideal beard buzzer at Amazon.com for a low price of $24.99. Just tell them “The Trendliest” sent ya…though they’ll probably have no idea what you’re talking about.

September 19, 2007 Posted by | Electronics, Grooming, Hygiene, Technology | , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Apple’s 3rd Gen iPod is on Fire!

Hey trend fans, your friendly neighborhood trend spotter, here to tell you what’s trendy now! Everyone knows retro is really hot. Most people are positively smitten with the 70’s, ecstatic about the 80’s, and totally nuts about the 90’s. However, here at “The Trendliest” we’re positively bonkers for the 00’s. In a world where we reminisce about last week, what’s wrong with being nostalgic for a product that came out in 2003? Answer, absolutely nothing! That’s why we’re singing the praises of our 3rd generation iPod.


Apple’s 3rd Generation iPod…or as I like to call it Old Trendy Reliable

Way back in ’03 you couldn’t fling a discman without hitting someone toting around one of these ancient devices and bouncing to Beyonce while ignoring oncoming pedestrian traffic. They weren’t watching a movie because these babies didn’t have that capability yet. How quaint. They did however have a shuffle feature, a backlight and great games like Brick, Music quiz, Solitaire, and Parachute that made a revolutionary game like Pong seem like Asteroids, but with a soundtrack of R.E.M’s “Radio Free Europe” or whatever you might be listening to at the time in the background.

The problem with today’s iPods is that they’ve got so much you can do. You can watch a movie, play a game, browse photos or listen to your favorite album. With all of those options it’s a wonder that users of the current iPod incarnation even have time to think. Maybe if I had one of my own I might think differently but the latest iPod Classic doesn’t jibe with my Mac OSX Version 10.3.9, alienating this user. That’s fine by me though because simple comforts are back in style and I’ll take my 5,000 songs over 40,000 songs any day.

If you’re looking to pick up one of these trendy retreads, just ask the guy or girl you know that you remember having one of these back in ’03. If they still have it, odds are they’ll sell it to you for $50 bucks at the most…and maybe it will be loaded with sweet tunes.

September 18, 2007 Posted by | Audio, Electronics, Nostalgia, Technology | , , , , , , , | Leave a comment