Greetings sexy techies! Do you prefer pushing the touchpad on your swanky new iPhone to that special someone’s love button? Do your erogenous zones differ depending on what area code you’re in? Is your cell always on vibrate? If you answered “yes,” that means you’re already hip to the hottest trend in getting it on…and that’s getting it on with every sweet young thing in your mobile network via Sexting.
There’s no more romantic way of telling the object of your affection that “u want 2 b with them 2nyt” than by sneaking a photo of your genitalia in the middle of math class on the same device your mom uses to tell you to come home for chicken and Stove Top. Why keep that air of sensual mystery and intrigue when you can just as easily give up the goods? After all, if her kiss is on your list, there’s no reason your shaft shouldn’t be on her cellular. Worst case scenario, your entire junior high will be well aware of your physical inadequacy in the nether region. Best case scenario, the clinically-insane-but-hot, young teacher will see the pic and ask you to stay after class to father her children.
The sexy text message is not necessarily a new invention, though it used to be virtually impossible to show your significant other visual evidence of just how close to cutting glass hardness your nipples were?
That being said, the practice of almost immediately titillating your long distance darling with a few simple seductive sentences is as old as that communicative dinosaur known as Morse code. While it’s well-known that Samuel Morse‘s first telegraphic message was “What hath god wrought!” His follow up message was a simple “A/S/L?” followed by “what are you wearing?”
Years later it wasn’t uncommon for wives of Civil War soldiers to receive telegrams via Western Union like the one below:
Thinking of your rear while on the front.
Taking my pants off.
Say hello to the children. Long live the Union!
Lt. Sinclair Percy Levingston
Needless to say, Western Union workers were frequently seen blushing.
While Al Gore’s Internet helped bring technology sex into the 20th century by first allowing sexual predators to converse with minors and send them photos of their genitalia at the same time, desktop computers with dialup modems were highly immobile and relied too much on the inconvenient and often snail-like process of uploading photos for the sharing of nOOdz.
The advent of both the camera phone and smart phone has cut out the middleman, ultimately making the practice of showing off your sprouting mammary glands as easy as saying cheese. You’d certainly be hard-pressed to find something more friendly and trendy than adding push-button convenience and mobility to your illicit encounters. Until we do, Sexting will remain at the top of the technical, sexual heap.
Every once in a while something so hop and hot comes along that it defies explanation and makes us view the world in an entirely different light when it comes to just what qualifies as both friendly and trendy. Previous powerful and puzzling examples along these lines include Crocs, Crystal Meth, and the music of Huey Lewis & The News. However, seeing as we pride ourselves on being your friendly guide to the latest trends we here at Trendliest are going to do our damnedest to explain the latest trend in portable TV technology, the resurgence of The Watchman or if we were to take the plural form, “Watchmen.”
Unless you live in a cave, the area you live in has more likely than not been inundated with confusing advertisements featuring costume clad beings hyping the release of the rehash of this electronic wonder first released by the Sony Company in 1982 in Japan. The original Japanese prototype was a man who wore 8 watches on each arm and constantly updated the time in funny voices. However, Sony soon realized there was no way to replicate this in their factory and instead focused on another definition of the word “watch” noting that people like to “watch” TV.
The new and improved Watchman made it’s debut in Europe and the United States in 1984 and the public went absolutely gaga over it. People were hungry for a televisual aid not quite the length of the average man’s penis that they could tote along with them just in case they weren’t going to make it home to catch their favorite local news telecast or reruns of “Too Close For Comfort.” Watchmen also became excellent time killers for those who were made impatient by the mere thought of waiting on lines, due to the fact that they were illiterate and would have no other means to entertain themselves other than shouting obscenities at passers by as they waited on line to dance at the Palladium.
The pocket tv phenomenon began to peter out in the 90’s well before the advances of HDTV, wireless internet, and the ability to watch all of your favorite shows on your iPod, but it’s inexplicably all the rage yet again even with the switch over to digital television. Apparently some merchandising brainiacs over at Warner Bros. thought it would be a wonderful idea to license the former fad and re-release it accompanied by a massive marketing campaign. As it turns out their hunch was right on the money. Watchmen were released this weekend to a clamoring public who ate up the seemingly obsolete innovation to the tune of $55.4 million. While there have been a few glitches in the technology such as causing users to turn blue or have their facial features shift around while gazing at such a tiny screen, the reviews have been largely positive.
We here at Trendliest didn’t exactly head down to the Circuit City and snatch one up one of these “Watchmen” to see what all of the fuss is about, but we’re going back to our childhood home this weekend to try to dig our old one up and sell it on ebay…because that’s where the real money is…and in this economy anything that can net us the real money is certainly friendly and trendy.
Hey you trendly little devils. Did that stint in the PHD program at your local community college not quite work out? Or perhaps your run as a pizza delivery boy was not all the movie Loverboy with Patrick Dempsey made it out to be? If you’re still looking to be all that you can be in the service industry, but haven’t yet found your niche, we here at the Trendliest have yet another friendly and trendy suggestion a fledgling careerist such as yourself can tackle with gusto. We think it’s about time you installed yourself on the trendly path to becoming a Cable Repairman.
Being a cable guy is more than just an opportunity to fulfill your sexual fantasies with bored housewives. It’s a job that allows you to “install new features in your customers unit”, “add quality components to their box”, and with cable’s new internet capabilities “upload large files from their hard drive” or gain a huge following by telling groundbreakingly stupid jokes about your white trash lifestyle. In a world that is increasingly reliant on cable television for entertainment, the Cable Repair Person is a god amongst service industry professionals, so much so that they are free to make their own suggested hours and make clients cater to their “I’ll get there when I get there” sense of duty all the while maintaining the freedom to take plentiful lunch breaks and employ liberal use of their time to run errands in the midst of what appears to be a busy schedule.
If This Van’s A Rockin’
Perhaps the crown jewel of the cable repair job is the Cable Repair van that when pimped out properly can resemble a seductive love den complete with a “If this van’s a rockin’ don’t come a knockin'” bumper sticker. It should be duly noted though that this “love den” should be kept out of site of eight to ten year old demon children curious about cable “hookups”,but more interested in the entrapment of unwitting repair technicians into career and perhaps life-ending molestation charges, which is decidedly unfriendly and untrendy. As long as you steer clear of that one obstacle you should be able to sustain this fruitful and trendly career path to the tops of the repair ranks. Who knows, you may even get to star in a movie about your life, just like famous cable repairmen Jim Carrey and Larry The Cable Guy. What are you waiting for? Git ‘r’ done!
Hey there Trendinistas, it’s your favorite oral surgeon Dr. Trendberg here to give you 10cc’s of TrendicilTM STAT! We here at The Trendliest feel it’s our God-given duty to inform you, Joe and Janette Public, of what’s hot, happening and hottt. Today we’re featuring what’s sure to be the hot-button topic (Editor’s Note: Not to be confused with Hot Topic) at your local office’s water cooler: WAR!
Yes, that’s right. It seems like you can’t go anywhere these days without bumping into a war of sorts. On the subway car, a rider accidentally jostles another passenger and before you know it someone is shouting, “Please, for the love of God, put down the surface-to-air missile!” Meanwhile, in the town library, an ill-tempered youth tests a nuclear warhead in the Young Adult section.
Yes, war is most definitely trendly. Since its humble beginnings in the early-to-mid 1400s war has been the most effective communication tool ever to be developed by high-functioning organisms. Though wars have been downplayed and received little to no media attention in recent times, our great barbaric pastime is seeing a bountiful resurgence with today’s trend-setting youth. Thanks to the Internet chat rooms, history textbooks and to a lesser extent, the water cooler; war stories and stories of war are being delivered by old timers to a hungry audience yearning for the days of yore. So, the next time you’re walking down a crowded street and you bump another person, don’t say “sorry” like a hippie (hippies are so 80’s) – respond with your fists in the air at the ready for some serious pummeling…provided of course, you have the support of Congress, the trendliest government body of them all.
Everybody knows beards are trendy. Why are beards so obviously trendy? Well, I have a beard and I’m a trend setter so they must be in vogue. That being said, if you want to maintain your fashionable facial hair, you’re going to need the hottest beard trimmer there is. We here at The Trendliest recommend using the Remington MB-400 Titanium Precision Pro Rechargeable Vacuum Mustache & Beard Trimmer .
While it’s name might be a little on the long side that doesn’t mean your fuzz has to be. The Titanium boasts 9 preset lengths to make sure your goatee is good to go and that your five o’clock shadow doesn’t resemble midnight muttonchops. Our “Trendly” recommendation, stick to the 3 or 4 preset. Anything less and you’ll look like Mickey Rourke; anything more and you may run the risk of looking like former WWF Superstar Hillbilly Jim or one of the guys from ZZ Top whose last name isn’t Beard. The Titanium beard trimmer also has a neat vacuum feature that sucks up the hair you just shaved and sometimes flings it around the proximity of your sink…assuming you’re standing over your sink, making for easy disposal as you wash away your former bristles down the drain. That’s convenient and downright Trendly!
You can purchase this ideal beard buzzer at Amazon.com for a low price of $24.99. Just tell them “The Trendliest” sent ya…though they’ll probably have no idea what you’re talking about.
Hey trend fans, your friendly neighborhood trend spotter, here to tell you what’s trendy now! Everyone knows retro is really hot. Most people are positively smitten with the 70’s, ecstatic about the 80’s, and totally nuts about the 90’s. However, here at “The Trendliest” we’re positively bonkers for the 00’s. In a world where we reminisce about last week, what’s wrong with being nostalgic for a product that came out in 2003? Answer, absolutely nothing! That’s why we’re singing the praises of our 3rd generation iPod.
Way back in ’03 you couldn’t fling a discman without hitting someone toting around one of these ancient devices and bouncing to Beyonce while ignoring oncoming pedestrian traffic. They weren’t watching a movie because these babies didn’t have that capability yet. How quaint. They did however have a shuffle feature, a backlight and great games like Brick, Music quiz, Solitaire, and Parachute that made a revolutionary game like Pong seem like Asteroids, but with a soundtrack of R.E.M’s “Radio Free Europe” or whatever you might be listening to at the time in the background.
The problem with today’s iPods is that they’ve got so much you can do. You can watch a movie, play a game, browse photos or listen to your favorite album. With all of those options it’s a wonder that users of the current iPod incarnation even have time to think. Maybe if I had one of my own I might think differently but the latest iPod Classic doesn’t jibe with my Mac OSX Version 10.3.9, alienating this user. That’s fine by me though because simple comforts are back in style and I’ll take my 5,000 songs over 40,000 songs any day.
If you’re looking to pick up one of these trendy retreads, just ask the guy or girl you know that you remember having one of these back in ’03. If they still have it, odds are they’ll sell it to you for $50 bucks at the most…and maybe it will be loaded with sweet tunes.