The Trendliest

A Friendly Guide To The Latest Trends

I Want Your Sext

Greetings sexy techies! Do you prefer pushing the touchpad on your swanky new iPhone to that special someone’s love button?  Do your erogenous zones differ depending on what area code you’re in? Is your cell always on vibrate? If you answered “yes,” that means you’re already hip to the hottest trend in getting it on…and that’s getting it on with every sweet young thing in your mobile network via Sexting.

First Person To Figure Out What This Means Has Our Eternal Gratitude

There’s no more romantic way of telling the object of your affection that “u want 2 b with them 2nyt” than by sneaking a photo of your genitalia in the middle of  math class on the same device your mom uses to tell you to come home for chicken and Stove Top. Why keep that air of sensual mystery and intrigue when you can just as easily give up the goods? After all,  if her kiss is on your list, there’s no reason your shaft shouldn’t be on her cellular. Worst case scenario, your entire junior high will be well aware of your physical inadequacy in the nether region. Best case scenario, the clinically-insane-but-hot, young teacher will see the pic and ask you to stay after class to father her children.

Best Case Scenario In Action

The sexy text message is not necessarily a new invention, though it used to be virtually impossible to show your significant other visual evidence of just how close to cutting glass hardness your nipples were?

That being said, the practice of almost immediately titillating your long distance darling with a few simple seductive sentences is as old as that communicative dinosaur known as Morse code.  While it’s well-known that Samuel Morse‘s first telegraphic message was “What hath god wrought!” His follow up message was a simple “A/S/L?” followed by “what are you wearing?”

Get On The Scene: The First Sext Machine

Years later it wasn’t uncommon for wives of Civil War soldiers to receive telegrams via Western Union like the one below:

***************************************************

Dear Cecilia

*Stop*

Thinking of your rear while on the front.

*Stop*

Taking my pants off.

*Stop*

Say hello to the children.  Long live the Union!

Sincerely,

Lt. Sinclair Percy Levingston

*****************************************************

Needless to say, Western Union workers were frequently seen blushing.

While Al Gore’s Internet helped bring technology sex into the 20th century by first allowing sexual predators to converse with minors and send them photos of their genitalia at the same time, desktop computers with dialup modems were highly immobile and relied too much on the inconvenient and often snail-like process of uploading photos for the sharing of nOOdz.

Middle Man Effectively Cut Out

The advent of both the camera phone and smart phone has cut out the middleman, ultimately making the practice of showing off your sprouting mammary glands as easy as saying cheese. You’d certainly be hard-pressed to find something more friendly and trendy than adding push-button convenience and mobility to your illicit encounters.  Until we do, Sexting will remain at the top of the technical, sexual heap.

February 26, 2010 Posted by | Sexuality, Technology | , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Opposites Attract

Hey Untrendly Haters, What’s down? We here at Trendliest hope you’re having the positively dreadful day that you don’t deserve. Say you readers seem to be a little confused. We’re not accusing you of disliking our site or saying we hope your life is awful (or aren’t we?), but if that’s what you took from the first sentence, you obviously haven’t caught up to the latest conversational trend…declaring opposite day.

Marie Antoinette Choosing Her Words Carefully…But Not Carefully Enough

Opposite day is when you don’t mean anything you say, but rather the exact opposite. It was first utilized by Marie Antoinette during the French Revolution as “le jour contraire”, when she uttered the famous words “let them eat cake” referring to the peasant class. Unaware that the peasant class had no knowledge of the new aristocratic practice they were insulted by the Queen’s ignorance to their plight. That being said, the intended sentiment of “Let them eat feces” probably would have resulted in a much more swift death via guillotine.

Herbert Hoover: Staunch Proponent of Opposite Day

The practice of Le Jour Contraire traveled overseas in time for the 1928 Presidential Election when Herbert Hoover declared that every American family would have “a chicken in every pot and a car in every garage,” after which he was heard uttering sinisterly to a campaign staffer, “I hate opposite day..ha…ha”. Again, unaware of what day it was, the country bought Hoover’s message of hope, hook, line, and sinker. Nearly a year later the country was mired in the Great Depression or as Hoover referred to it in other prominent addresses to a struggling nation, “The Wee Excitement.” Nearly Fifty years later Ronald Reagan famously invoked opposite day rules yet again when speaking of “trickle-down economics.”

Unbeknownst To Half Of This Crowd…They Were Rooting For The Same Person

Until recently, the mystery of Opposite Day was hidden in the Presidential Book of Secrets, though a few fellow politicians that happened to be members of The Skulls starring Joshua Jackson, shared the clandestine code with fellow fraternity members who in trying to lessen the organization’s iron clad grip on their lives leaked it’s practice to the proletariat and elementary school children. The trend spread so fast throughout the country without the proper rules for it’s use being disseminated. This situation came to a head during the 2000 Presidential election when the majority of voters were unaware that they were voting on an opposite day (with opposite side of the street parking rules in effect) and stamped their ballots for Al Gore accidentally handing over the reins of the position of most powerful office in the world to George W. Bush. Luckily, Mr. Bush ended up being the right man for the job, leading the United States and the world to eight years of peace and prosperity…and really there’s nothing more trendly than peace, prosperity and continued economic gain…well, except for opposite day.

June 23, 2008 Posted by | Celebrities, Language, Methods, Social Trends | , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Where We’re Going, We Don’t Need Wires

Hello trend-browsers, are you reading this post pants-less from the comfort of your very own kitchen, or better yet, the comfort of your porcelain throne supplied by the kind folks at American Standard? Well, why not? We wrote this entire post from the john, so there’s no reason you shouldn’t be reading it from there. That is unless of course, you’re not hip to the latest friendly trend in technology, Wireless Internet.

Yes folks Wireless Internet is the wave of the present. Ever since the invention of the laptop in early 1980’s people have been in search of a reason to carry their computers around wherever they go. Prior to the its invention people would ferry their laptop computers around for the sole purpose of showing everyone else they had a laptop. How dull!


The First Laptop Sat On Your Lap and Played Asia Cassettes

The need for wireless internet was first realized by Al Gore, who during the 2000 race for the White House, desperately wanted to participate in a CNN viewer poll asking “Who Won The Election?” Unfortunately, Gore only had a desktop PC in his office that was several feet from his TV room that took more than a two minutes to boot up and log on, thus he never got his vote in. The then Vice President realized that if he had a laptop with some sort of wireless internet, he could’ve voted and his one vote may have made a marked difference in the poll which finished with an even 50-50 count.

Al Gore Tries Attempting to Get To CNN.COM Before The Poll Closes

Gore immediately attempted to share his new idea with Bill Gates, but unfortunately, the Microsoft principle was busy playing Duke Nukem over his dial up connection and the call never went through. The dejected President non-elect however contacted several other captains of industry as well as David Blaine and before the world knew it…wireless Internet was a reality.
“Why Am I Chatting With You From The Top of This Mountain?…I Guess Because I Can.”

Presently more than 68% of US residents are blessed with the miracle of a wireless web connection, the majority of whom use this technological blessing to monitor the statistics of whatever sporting event they are currently watching or to browse porn sites from whichever room in the house or at work they deem to be most private. Still some even use it to carry their computers to public parks and assure everyone within earshot that they’re having hilarious conversations with other people sporting similar technological capabilities. Yes, the wireless revolution has made being tethered to that bulky desktop a thing of the past, giving people the power to send instant messages to their friends no matter what they happen to be doing in the bathroom. Now that’s that we here at Trendliest call progress and it’s positively trendly.

June 2, 2008 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

It’s Easy Going Green

Hello again to all of our Eco-Trendly readers, we know we covered an environmental topic yesterday, but since it’s Earth Week…we thought we’d keep the trend going (wink, wink). By the way, this blog is typed on 100% recycled binary code, because we here at Trendliest know that the hottest new environmental in-thing is going green. We are certainly proud to admit that we have been green since the day we started as evidenced by the background color for our site, but that’s not all. We also always wear green shirts, and eat grass. We even had a salad for lunch today while listening to the hot environmentally trendly band Green Day.

Yes going green is probably the easiest most helpful thing you can do for the environment. How does it work? Well by only eating and manufacturing products that utilize the color green, any of the waste produced by said products will effectively be sorta green. It’s estimated that if by the year 2014 everything we eat, drink or use is green that nearly one-third of the earth’s landfills when viewed from a spy satellite from outer space will have a sort-of greenish hue.

What The Earth Should Look Like If We Effectively “Go Green”

So, you’re probably asking, “How Do I Go Green?” Well if you’re the Incredible Hulk or Irish you’re off to a good start. St. Patrick effectively started the going green movement when he chased all of the snakes out of Ireland some time in the 16th Century and told everyone to drink green beer from now on. Each St. Patrick’s day is practically an exercise in making the environment better. Why the city of Chicago is practically the most environmentally friendly place in the world for all of the times they’ve dyed their river green.

Chica-goes Green

However, if you’re not Irish all you have to do is watch Al Gore’s grammy winning documentary An Inconvenient Truth and whenever you find yourself wearing shorts on a sunny winter day make a remark about how it’s due to “global warming” while attempting to give people in liberal neighborhoods guilt trips for not signing your Greenpeace petition. There, you’ve officially gone green…and you’re officially trendly.

April 23, 2008 Posted by | Environmental | , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

It’s Getting Hot In Here

Hello citizens of the most trendly planet there is. Happy Earth Day. Is it hot in here or is it just us? Actually, we know why it’s a little warm in here and it’s not because we forgot to turn on the AC. The reason the entire globe is starting feel a bit like a sauna is none other than the latest environmental trend, Global Warming.


Anti-Global Warming Crusader and Racing Legend Al Unser, Jr.

Now there’s been a lot of noise made by the likes of nearly everyone named Al (Gore, Unser Jr., Roker) saying that Global Warming is a bad thing, but in actuality it’s more part of Mother Nature and God’s plan than tofu and lead-based paint. You see, when God created the Earth about 25 years after he created and got bored with the still undiscovered Ice Planet Zektor-18 approximately 2,625 years ago…he made an unspoken, unwritten pact with mankind that when life on Earth started out, the people would have seasons so they would know what beauty and accomplishment could come from the hardship and terror of having to survive a long winter.

At the same time he silently declared that if man worked hard, progressed and became industrious enough to build large machines and create complex chemical compounds that could eat away at the thin layer of atmosphere called “Ozone” that separated humans from their divine benefactor in heaven, the lord would reward the human beings for their toil with a constant tropical climate. Every child would get a talking parrot and the polar ice caps would melt turning the majority of the earth into a great big pool for what he silently dubbed “swimmy time.”

During “Swimmy Time” You’ll Be Able To Swim With Dolphins
…and Bears

As the polar ice caps slowly begin to melt, we see that thanks to our hard work the lord’s ultimate plan for turning the Earth into a tropical paradise is well underway. This is not a time to fear for our future and the future of our planet, but to embrace the friendly trend that is global warming and prepare for the ultimate in tropical relaxation. So get out of your hybrid car (ugh so last year) and get thee to a gym, because when Global Warming reaches it’s final stage you better have a nice bod for all of that time you’ll be spending in a bathing suit.

April 22, 2008 Posted by | Environmental | , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment