The Trendliest

A Friendly Guide To The Latest Trends

Raising The Bar

Rise and shine friendly and trendy alcohol imbibing Americans, a new day has dawned for our way of life. When you woke up yesterday there were three branches of Government:The Legislative, The Executive, and The Judicial; However, today when you looked out your window at the summer sun you could probably sense something was different.

A Now Obsolete Rendering of The Three Branches of Government

A Now Obsolete Rendering of The Three Branches of Government

That slight difference is  that one third of those branches is no longer with us.  Despite the nomination and subsequent confirmation of Supreme Court Judge Sonia Sotomayor, the Judicial system is now obsolete. While “the bar” may technically still exist it now refers to the place where everybody knows your name, and they’re always glad you got arrested, thanks to the latest trend in settling legal disputes, “The Beer Summit.”

An Historic Moment

An Historic Moment

With the recent advent of the first Beer Summit, in which President Obama settled the issue of whether or not Henry Louis Gates was guilty of breaking into his own house by simply inviting the Harvard Professor and his arresting officer to discuss the charges and the racial strife caused by said charges over a beer; overnight it has become customary to settle all disputes in this manner.

Now there’s a brand of justice that both tastes great and is less filling (of our overcrowded prisons). Whether or not you’ve been  wrongfully accused of murder or simply pulled over for driving under the influence, you’ll be faced with two options:  One, you could put on a suit and be tried by a jury of your peers; or two, you could down a few with your accuser and effectively reach an understanding in a flurry of four beers.   The latter option is certainly less costly than one of those money grubbing lawyers and it helps promote understanding of not only the difference between the accused and the accuser, but also between lagers and IPA’s.

I'll Be The Judge of That

I'll Be The Judge of That

While the court system will still exist in a limited role for those totally boring members of Alcoholic’s Anonymous there will be limited need for Judges and lawyers (hooray!) as the only remaining courthouses will be located in towns named “Justice” in the states of Illinois, Wyoming, North Carolina, Oklahoma and Kentucky.  The Supreme Court will also be replaced by the United States Council of Wise Bartenders, which may or may not consist of the current members of the Supreme Court provided they pass bartending school in time for the fall session.

Gary- Master Mixologist and Member of the Council of Wise Bartenders

Gary- Master Mixologist and Member of the US Council of Wise Bartenders

So cheers to the friendly, trendly new way of solving our problems  and if you don’t like it…well then this Bud’s for you. Now if only we could get Iran and North Korea to the beer table.

July 31, 2009 Posted by | Current Events, humor, Politics | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

I Swear To $#%$*

hand-on-bibleWitnesses for the trend-secution, do you SWEAR to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth so help you blog?  You do?  Good, now place your hand on a copy of the Bible, Torah, Koran, Bhagavad Gita, or The Secret and say that all again because with all the swearing you’re going to be doing it’s going to be necessary to carry the Holy Book of your choice at all times seeing as Swearing is the hottest and friendliest trend currently sweeping the nation.

The verb “to swear” has had a short and rather glorious history.  It was derived from the surname of Charles F. Swayer, a teacher in 19th Century Britain.  Swayer was not a very good teacher due to the fact that he was not well-versed in virtually anything factual.  Often times whilst giving a lesson his students would mumble the word “bollocks” under their collective breath and sometimes out loud.  This incensed the educator and he demanded that whenever a student uttered such heinous word they pay a one shilling penalty by placing a coin on a designated plate on his desk.  This “Swayer plate” was a huge failure due to the fact that when one student would come up to place a shilling on the plate, they’d inevitably take another one back.

The Americanized "Swayer" Jar

The Americanized "Swayer" Jar

It was for this sole reason that Swayer was moved to invent the “jar”.  By having his students put their coins in a round, covered receptacle with a slit for change on top, his class could less obviously reimburse themselves with the shillings of others.  Not only did this invention revolutionize the teaching field, but went on to influence parenting as adults everywhere caught on to the Swayer Jar.  However, when the practice crossed the Atlantic and was adapted by Americans soon after, the name somehow was turned into the Swear Jar and the actual word that was once just a surname was perverted to mean multiple things, ranging from a promise to an expletive.

President Barack Obama Swears On National Television

President Barack Obama Swears On National Television

While the act of swearing has been long frowned upon by jar-wielding parents across the nation, ever since Barack Obama was sworn in as America’s 44th President, it’s more or less become an epidemic.  Everyone including Secretary of State Hillary Clinton,  dock workers in Detroit, Christian Bale on the set of Terminator 4, engaged couples in Des Moines,  expert witnesses in double murder trials, and Dane Cook have been uttering a variety of magical words  including “I do”, “I will”, and seven words we can’t say on this blog even though we’re not exactly policed by the FCC.  Whether we can say them or not, doesn’t make them any less trendly.  We promise.

February 3, 2009 Posted by | Education, Language | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Eh, Canada?

Greetings fellow members of the all-powerful Trenderati.  It’s 2009 and Trendliest has returned from it’s lengthy travel hiatus with a sunny new outlook on what will be friendly and trendy for the year ahead.  Having just trotted halfway around the globe, it’s only natural that our first find of ’09 is this year’s destination du jour.  While the eyes of the world seem focused on the glow emanating from the United States of America thanks to the inauguration of their first President that won’t be using bronzer, travelers might feel the need to avert their eyes in order to see what the  next friendly trendy hotspot on the horizon is.

Provided they’ve tilted their gaze in the right direction, they’ll come face to face with the nanooks of the Great White North.   Having received scant spotlight as the land of the free and the home of the Quebecois, we here at Trendliest think it’s about time Canada got it’s  destinationly due.

news_canadian-flag-640

Canada is much more than Britain’s frigid, nearly uninhabitable, non-resistant consolation prize for colonization.  It’s the only actual area in the world where Queen Elizabeth II still  holds sway over any important government issue.  Despite, not actually being in charge of itself,  the Great White North has plenty going for it, with a plethora for activities and culture for tourists to sink their heels into provided the ice isn’t too thin.

The Icy Beaches of Canadia

The Icy Beaches of Canadia

Not only does North America’s  other other country bear responsibility as the birthplace of such rich cultural concepts as Curling, Celine Dion , and confusion; but they also play host with the most to a variety of cities with funny names.  Once inside the borders one can get hearty laughs by posing in front of signs for cities like Bamff, Guelph, and Saskatoon.  If one so chooses they might enter one of those cities and take in a hockey match or perch themselves on a street corner to watch the ever popular All Canada Constant Dogsled 500 Race pass through town for a fleeting moment.

Curling, Yet Another of Canada's Confusing National Pastimes

Curling, Yet Another of Canada's Confusing National Pastimes

While many of the world’s destinations have the fear of falling to international terrorism, Canadians are so confident in their safety that Canadian-born Counter-Terrorism expert Kiefer Sutherland and his daughter, Elisha Cuthbert have been outsourced to the United States track down potential threats, while Pamela Anderson uses her special skills to keep tabs on some  “Very Important People” in the Los Angeles area.

With Pamela Anderson Across The Southern Border, Canadians Must Rely on The Ill-Prepared Mounted Police

With Pamela Anderson Across The Southern Border, Canadians Must Rely on The Ill-Prepared Mounted Police

Yes, Canada has it all, safety, curling, and did we mention the 2010 Winter Olympics?  Oh we forgot that one.  In that case, Canada will be a friendly and trendy destination all the way into 2010.  Rejoice, eh?

January 22, 2009 Posted by | Travel | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 10 Comments

Change We Can Believe In

change-we-can-believe-inAre you looking to alter the course of history for the better, but aren’t completely sure how to go about  it?  Well, it’s not going to just happen as you sit in your fancy Washington offices passing bills and sleeping with sexy interns. If you want society to start building towards a better tomorrow (depending on your definition of a better tomorrow), there’s only one friendly and trendy way to do it and that’s CHANGE.

The End All Be All of Sexy Interns

Monica Lewinsky: The End All Be All of Sexy Interns

Yes, Trendocrats and Stylepublicans “Change” may have been the watchword this election season, but it’s been a hot-button topic for quite some time now.  It’s on the tips of the tongues of the East Coast homeless elite as they reach out their coffee cups demanding it, it’s on the fingertips of those passing through tolls, the minds of southern farmers switching from their pajamas  into their plowing clothes at dawn each morning, and yes it’s even on the mind of those who would rather watch something else during commercials.  But before all of that beeswax, the idea of “change” was both friendly and trendy to the first man, Adam.

You Think Those Farmers Were Born Wearing Those Close...No.  They Had To "Change" Into Them

You Think Those Farmers Were Born Wearing Those Clothes...No. They Had To "Change" Into Them!

If it weren’t for Adam’s need to obtain one of his required daily servings from the “fruit” food group from a  source other than lingonberries, the whole of mankind would be stuck in the Garden of Eden not being allowed to eat apples while ignoring the advances of serpents and the fairer sex.  Thanks to the “Big A” and his need to change up his diet and sample something delicious, our species has spread change all over the world- transforming it from a wonderful wilderness into the beautifully smog ridden wasteland of industry that we know today.

Adam and Eve Usher In The Initial Era of Change

Adam and Eve Usher In The Initial Era of Change

Up until recently, the way we ushered in political change in the United States had stayed mostly the same.  The longstanding traditional method was to have one rich, white conservative leader  replace another of equal or lesser value -similar to the way one would change from one pair of tighty whities into another in the morning.  Alas, a new day has come ladies and gentlemen.  With the election of Barack Obama -a minority- to the White House, changing the way we change things has become the new way to transform ourselves.  So the next time you put your underwear on or decide you’d rather watch Access Hollywood over Entertainment Tonight, remember, you can change those things the conventional way or you can change the way you change them (i.e. using a shirt instead of undies to cover your junk or just not using the remote) and be the friendliest, trendiest person you can be.

November 6, 2008 Posted by | Politics | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Be A Flip Flopper

Hey Trendliticians! Were you for the war before you were against the war? Are you looking for snug shoes that reflect the same comfort you feel with your political stance? Well then we here at Trendliest recommend investing in a pair of flip flops.

Originally known as “thongs,” but changed to the more erudite “flip flop” after a successful trademark infringement lawsuit filed by pint-sized R&B singer Sisqo who was riding high on his 2000 hit “Thong Song,” flip flops are an easy-breezy way to ensure the bottom of your feet avoid getting dirty, while still allowing them to be vulnerable to shards of glass, so that you may one day also file a frivolous lawsuit against the owner of the property where your foot laceration occurred (hopefully it’s city property).

Prevented Use of The Term Thonger

Aside offering limited covering and defense for your toes, flip flops are largely associated with being an ideal footwear option when dealing with the “heat.” This caused quite a misunderstanding during the 2004 elections, when many Republicans repeatedly accused then Democratic candidate John Kerry of being a flip flopper. For some reason many voters took this to mean Kerry was being charged with being indecisive, when it actually meant that he would have been an easy, breezy fit if he were employed to take the heat of the office of the President of The United States of America. Whether or not he would be able to protect it from shards of glass would remain to be seen.

Kerry: Easy. Breezy. Didn’t Necessarily Protect Against Shards of Glass

Luckily, this small misunderstanding has been cleared up, and with the weather hotter than ever and the 2008 election heating up…the people have spoken. And you know what they’re saying? “Flip Flops are friendly and trendy,” also “Yes we Can!”

July 31, 2008 Posted by | Celebrities, Fashion, Music, Politics | , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

The Accidental Terrorist

Odds are if you’re checking out this here site you’re on the hunt for something utterly friendly and trendy. You may also be wondering if there are trends you might have the good fortune to discover on your own. It would be easy for us to say no so that you might continue being absolutely dependant on us for finding out just what in the world is hop and hot, but the truth is there are some hot new fads you can stumble upon all by your self…the latest of which is being accidentally and irresponsibly labeled a “terrorist.”

While being accidentally labeled a terrorist goes as far back as the 1996 Olympics when Richard Jewell “bombed” a perfectly good Olympic venue all in the name of drawing the attention away from the fact that a Bulgarian, not an American participant captured three gold medals in weighlifting…the resurgence in the trend can be credited to the heinous attacks of September 11th. Since the government’s irresponsible handling of the events leading to an actual terrorist attack, they’ve stepped up efforts to compensate for the fact that they’re not doing enough for homeland security by making sure all bars have Toby Keith albums on their jukebox. Additionaly, the government has made efforts to raise public paranoia levels with the “if you see a brown person doing something, say something” slogan and their special hotline for reporting talkative cab drivers.

Rachael Ray Threatens Freedom With A Dynamite Coolatta

However, it’s not only poor brown people who’ve had the fortune of participating in this latest trend; Celebrities are also at the forefront of this fad. America’s Sweetest Pitchperson Rachael Ray was sent to Abu Ghraib after dressing up like Yasser Arafat in a Dunkin’ Donuts ad where she was then subject to the trendly practice of waterboarding. Even Presidential frontrunner Barack Obama and his wife aren’t immune to trendliness. The two were placed under heavy scrutiny after engaging in the “Al Qaeda Fist Bump” after a lively speech about overthrowing the current Republican regime.

The Friction from Said Fist Bump Usually Creates Explosions of Epic Proportions

Don’t be trend-orists…If the two most popular people in the greatest nation in the world are getting their accidental terrorism on…what are you waiting for? Shouldn’t you be arousing suspicion by leaving a suspicious package on the train that just so happens to look like your pocket book or maybe letting your oven burner run a bit before lighting a match to create a huge gas explosion in your house? Either of those would be da bomb, and totally trendly ways to arouse suspicion that you are in fact a terrorist.

July 9, 2008 Posted by | Celebrities, Government, Methods, Politics | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment