The Trendliest

A Friendly Guide To The Latest Trends

Don’t Worry, Be Sorry

Greetings sometimes followers of the latest trendly goings on.  It’s been far too long since you’ve seen our smiling faces and glowing witticisms on this here page.  If only there were some way we could make it up to you that didn’t involve monetary appropriations or sexual favors.  We’ve got it!  How about we resume our position as the standard bearers of the latest in all that is both friendly and trendy by posting something new? Sound good? No?  Well, then we guess we’re just going to have to offer you a heartfelt apology, which just so happens to be the latest friendly trend in public discourse.

Say It With Flowers, But Really Sell It With That Pathetic Look On Your Face

Plenty of people in this world are capable of committing unspeakable acts of immorality such as actively engaging in genocide, offering free health care and forgetting to tip their server.  All too often those heinous occurrences go unchecked without even the slightest acknowledgment of any wrongdoing.  Lately though those who have committed a heinous act against their fellow man have seen fit to right their wrongs by publicly proclaiming “mea culpa” for their questionable decisions that stand to jeopardize their status as the world’s foremost athlete, restaurant patron, or douchebag tattoo-sleeved guitar player of easy listening music.

Being John Mayer Means Always Having To Say You're Sorry

Whether you’ve offended people by outing your penis’s racist tendencies, not providing boundaries for your penis, or just simply not posting on your blog for a really long time; it’s important to acknowledge that the road to ruin was paved with good intentions.  Unfortunately that road is only big enough for penis-shaped cars or vehicles driven by your ego. While you were busy thinking with your genitalia, guitar, and/or wallet your well-intending actions -no matter how private- were busy hurting the feelings of millions of people you have never even met who obviously look up to you as a role model.

The only way to right this wrong is to offer an utterly sincere admission of guilt and probable sex addiction as reasons for your lapse in judgment.  After all, you could’ve spent so much time being the best you you could be if  only you weren’t so busy looking at porn or shamelessly flirting with the girl you paid to have sex with.

So how does one offer a sincere apology to those  wronged souls also known as sponsors, professional sports associations, or Twitter followers?  Well, there are several different methods sweeping the nation:

Tiger Woods: Mastered The No. 1 At Oakmont and The Art of the Press Conference

The most popular and readily available is the press conference.  The media loves a good admission of wrongdoing and what better way to do it than in real-time in front of cameras and microphones before the entire world.  Not only will it magnify the extent of whatever you’re admitting, but it also makes you seem sorrier. Whether you cheated on your wife  or your SATs and need to tell someone, there’s a good chance ESPN or TMZ will cover it, provided you schedule it during The World Series of Poker or when Britney Spears is not driving to the mall.

The second most popular form of apology is through the purchasing of gifts.  While this form of contrition won’t achieve the level of international forgiveness on the scale of a press conference; it goes to show those you have injured that your actions, while selfish, put enough money in your pocket to afford expensive chocolates or a used Mazda Miata. It also helps to stimulate the economy, which is always friendly and trendy.

Please Forgive Me!

The third most popular form of forgiveness also happens to be the least beneficial to the economy. It’s known as the simple action apology.  The simple action apology is a personal admission of wrongdoing popularly expressed via language or sexual favors and sometimes both.  It requires an audience of five or less and often occurs during an intervention or after the receipt of a credit card bill that reveals frequent trips to the strip club.

Ryan O'Neal and Ali Macgraw Never Apologized To Each Other

Ryan O'Neal and Ali Macgraw Never Apologized To Each Other

Although apologies may be the latest friendly trend, it’s important to note that one errs on the side of unpopularity when expressing such regrets to loved ones.  After all,  being in love means never having to say you’re sorry.

February 22, 2010 Posted by | Celebrities, Gifts, Methods, Relationships, Social Trends | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

…And A Trendly New Year

2009-print-preview-blog

Hey Trendly Friendlies.  Are you absolutely sick of 2008?  Let’s face it, the only good things to come out of this past year were world domination at the hands of the Chinese, the end of racism, that movie Step Up 2: The Streets and everything on this website.  Sure hearing that Britney is back was kinda good, but George Lucas and Steven Spielberg will ruin her sooner or later.  Besides, who wants to settle for liking something with the word “kinda” in it anyway?

In efforts to make sure that 2009 is much friendlier and trendier, we here at Trendliest are taking a trendspotting trip around the world, to find out all that’s hop, hot, and next  in the worlds of fashion, passion, and small plastic containers.  When we return we’ll be all set to unleash an entire quart-sized tupperware container full of whoop-ass to knock your trendly socks off of your feet that are totally wearing last year’s LeBron James sneaker.

So brace yourselves, because in three weeks the trendliness of The Trendliest returns and you’ll be powerless to stop it unless you have a riot policeman’s shield.  In the meantime, we wish you a Merry Christmas and a Trendly New Year.

December 24, 2008 Posted by | Current Events | , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Turn Your Kids Into Cash!

Greetings potential parentals.  If you’ve got a baby on the way but are a little worried that it’s not your nature to nurture, maybe you should stop asking yourself the question, “how do I take care of my baby?”  and start asking, “How can my baby take care of me?”  Put down that volume of Dr. Spock and make sure your new son or daughter is ready to rock with the latest friendly trend of turning your kids into cash!

Now we here at the Trendliest aren’t condoning selling your newborns onto the black market (just yet).  We’re merely suggesting that you start preparing your child for a successful career early on so they can literally and figuratively stop sucking at your teat before they ever start while chipping in a little towards your monthly rent or mortgage payment that their birth has helped make more difficult to pay.

First off, the road to success starts in the womb and certainly is paved with both placenta and gold.  While your child is developing, don’t underestimate the importance of music.  Play as much meaningless pop as you can so when your child finally pops out he or she will be influenced by the songs of relatively young idols like Britney Spears and Avril Lavigne, appearing at an early age to want to follow their career path.  Once your child is old enough to hum or sing, invoke the Lynne Spears Method of Parenting as laid out in her book, Through The Storm: A Real Story of Fame and Family in a Tabloid World.

Goodbye Dr. Spock, Hello Lynne!

Goodbye Dr. Spock, Hello Lynne!

The most important part of this method is never saying no to your child.  If you’ve done your job correctly so far, your son/daughter will want to be a singer. Cater to all their performance whims and make sure to constantly encourage them in their performance field.  Be sure to purchase a big stereo with a karaoke feature and a top of the line microphone so that they might practice at home for all of their big auditions, it’ll pay for itself. Tell your child they have the most beautiful voice in the world and that they should take singing and dancing lessons and go on auditions so mommy and daddy won’t be poor no more.

As for education, School is a formality when you’re getting your degree in Showbiz.    No matter how unready your child may be, ignoring education will put a fast track to success and a slightly slower track to the mental ward or rehab, but the latter two results are just minor obstacles to maintaining a fabulous career.

This Could Be Your Child!

No Wait...This Could Be Your Child...Much Better

No Wait...This Could Be Your Child...Much Better

If you’ve not succeeded in Ms. Spears method your child might want to be an NFL Place kicker, a fireman or Chief of Police, in which case you should probably start practicing kickoffs, taking your child to the firehouse to practice drills, or just having a gun in the house to hone those respective skills.  After all catering to your childs first whim and encouraging them to be whatever they want to be as long as it has the potential to earn you cash is the trendliest way to parent.

It's Never Too Early To Start Getting Them Ready

It's Never Too Early To Start Getting Them Ready

October 2, 2008 Posted by | Careers, Education, Family, Methods, Music, Parenting | , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Know What Everyone Is Doing…All of the Time!!!


Hello my Trendlies, Are you doing something friendly and trendy right now? Well how about now? Even if it isn’t trendly, you should probably tell us what it is you’re up to. Why? Because knowing what everyone else is doing all of the time is unbelievably trendly. As you’re reading this I’m doing perhaps the trendliest thing of all, blogging. While blogging may be a hot new way to show a nation on the edge of it’s seat important photos of your cat, it can no way inform people as to your regular whereabouts and goings on. The fact of the matter is everyone wants to know what you’re up to whether you’re in a bathtub getting ready to pop out junior with your midwife, poisoning the water supply in Myanmar or just plain hangin’ out. To put it briefly, you’re not cool unless somebody knows you’re cool. Thanks to technological advances like super computers, cell phones and the Swiffer Sweeper, keeping eager stalkers constantly apprised of your goings on has never been easier.

Way back in 1492 when Columbus sailed the ocean blue he forgot to tell his roommates he was even leaving the house and they were totally pissed when he ditched out without getting someone to sublet. It was four months before they knew he was gone and another two months before they were beheaded in a public square for not paying the full rent. If they could’ve checked his Facebox profile they would’ve seen the phrase “Christopher Columbus is out sailing for a few months” on his status update and put an ad up on Craigslist or on the town square bulletin board and avoided their subsequent guillotine rendezvous. Thanks to sites like Twitter and Tellmewhatyouredoingallofthetime.com this is so not a problem. These sites allow users to constantly give people the lowdown on what they’re up to by typing in their daily minutia into a browser so that you never have to exercise those pesky amenities known as their voice or their privacy ever again.

The trendliest people, a.k.a Celebrities, even have their own uber-exclusive telling everyone what they’re doing all the time service called TMZ.com. TMZ.com uses a complex system of stalkers with video and photo equipment aimed at the crotches of female celebrities to let the rest of the world know that celebrities never have underwear, always have genitalia, and sometimes go to the supermarket. Now that’s what we call trendly!

April 7, 2008 Posted by | Celebrities, Electronics, Social Trends, Technology | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment