The Trendliest

A Friendly Guide To The Latest Trends

Go Cold Turkey


Hey Habitual Trend Seekers…Are you trying to wean yourself off a totally unhealthy addiction to harmful welfare, crack, or a vegan lifestyle? Have you tried patches, pills, and everything just short getting arrested and subsequently raped in prison to calm that co-dependency? The problem with those methods is they create more co-dependency. One patch begets another patch and one prison rape begets more prison rape. You get the picture. These days doctors are recommending a new old method when it comes kicking the bottle, can, or bizarre sexual kink. The latest way to cut the cord with your sinful indulgence is by using what physicians and deli owners alike are referring to as cold turkey.

You Can’t Go Cold Turkey With Tofurky

Prior to being used as a co-dependency cure-all, Cold Turkey was actually used to make a certain kind of Whiskey that went by the name “Wild Turkey”. While Cold Turkey wasn’t the active ingredient that made the whiskey drinkers go “wild”, people back then were imbeciles and thought that the floating chunks of meat saturated in alcohol were the reason they felt good. When prohibition hit and the production and distribution of “Wild Turkey” was banned, many of these avid whiskey drinkers came up with the delerium tremens. To satisfy their need for a fix, many of them took to the local turkey coup or farmers markets where they butchered these flightless birds en masse, threw their meat on ice and went to town, eating every last shred of light and dark meat. While this didn’t satisfy their fix…the former addicts became so tired due to all of the tryptophan they had ingested that some of them fell asleep for days, outlasting their bouts of the shakes and therefore shedding their alcohol dependency.

Now Available Without Turkey Chunks

However, when prohibition ended all of the former alcoholics went back on the sauce, wise to the fact that turkey bits did nothing to enhance their drunken state. Wild Turkey nearly went out of business and Jack Daniels flourished as a brand. Wild Turkey eventually adjusted by taking turkey bits out of their whiskey, and founded Butterball as a side business. Everyone pretty much forgot about the “Cold Turkey” incident until several years back when a pre-med student who just so happened to be a methadone addict was working on a report in a library came across an old newspaper headline in the New York Daily Sun, “Cold Turkey Quells Prohibition Fueled Alcoholic Rampage.”

The next time that student felt the need to shoot up…he instead went to his deli counter and bought a pound of Boars Head Cajun Smoked Turkey with Cracked Pepper ordering that they be sliced “not too thin” and ingested several slices when he returned home. He fell immediately asleep and woke up still jonesing for methadone…but quelled yet another hankering with more cold turkey until he was full and had slept a good 38 hours, missing his vital mid-terms, but at least he wasn’t doped up. The student then took his findings to his professor who then had him expelled for drug addiction and published the unnamed student’s findings in a prominent medical journal sometime around 1998.

“Inventor” of Cold Turkey Method

While the Cold Turkey theory has been circulating around the medical community for nearly ten years now, it was only recently put into practice on VH1’s hit TV show Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew, who just so happens to be the Doctor/Professor who published the original report. The show remarkably resurrected the careers of one of the Baldwin Brothers that isn’t as talented as Alec…and some guy who is apparently a very good ultimate fighter. If cold turkey is capable of rescuing those people’s lives from their addictions, whose to say it couldn’t prevent you from conquering your addiction to chocolate…or resurrecting your media based career. Wouldn’t that be trendly?

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April 25, 2008 Posted by | Health | , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment