Greetings sometimes followers of the latest trendly goings on. It’s been far too long since you’ve seen our smiling faces and glowing witticisms on this here page. If only there were some way we could make it up to you that didn’t involve monetary appropriations or sexual favors. We’ve got it! How about we resume our position as the standard bearers of the latest in all that is both friendly and trendy by posting something new? Sound good? No? Well, then we guess we’re just going to have to offer you a heartfelt apology, which just so happens to be the latest friendly trend in public discourse.
Plenty of people in this world are capable of committing unspeakable acts of immorality such as actively engaging in genocide, offering free health care and forgetting to tip their server. All too often those heinous occurrences go unchecked without even the slightest acknowledgment of any wrongdoing. Lately though those who have committed a heinous act against their fellow man have seen fit to right their wrongs by publicly proclaiming “mea culpa” for their questionable decisions that stand to jeopardize their status as the world’s foremost athlete, restaurant patron, or douchebag tattoo-sleeved guitar player of easy listening music.
Whether you’ve offended people by outing your penis’s racist tendencies, not providing boundaries for your penis, or just simply not posting on your blog for a really long time; it’s important to acknowledge that the road to ruin was paved with good intentions. Unfortunately that road is only big enough for penis-shaped cars or vehicles driven by your ego. While you were busy thinking with your genitalia, guitar, and/or wallet your well-intending actions -no matter how private- were busy hurting the feelings of millions of people you have never even met who obviously look up to you as a role model.
The only way to right this wrong is to offer an utterly sincere admission of guilt and probable sex addiction as reasons for your lapse in judgment. After all, you could’ve spent so much time being the best you you could be if only you weren’t so busy looking at porn or shamelessly flirting with the girl you paid to have sex with.
So how does one offer a sincere apology to those wronged souls also known as sponsors, professional sports associations, or Twitter followers? Well, there are several different methods sweeping the nation:
The most popular and readily available is the press conference. The media loves a good admission of wrongdoing and what better way to do it than in real-time in front of cameras and microphones before the entire world. Not only will it magnify the extent of whatever you’re admitting, but it also makes you seem sorrier. Whether you cheated on your wife or your SATs and need to tell someone, there’s a good chance ESPN or TMZ will cover it, provided you schedule it during The World Series of Poker or when Britney Spears is not driving to the mall.
The second most popular form of apology is through the purchasing of gifts. While this form of contrition won’t achieve the level of international forgiveness on the scale of a press conference; it goes to show those you have injured that your actions, while selfish, put enough money in your pocket to afford expensive chocolates or a used Mazda Miata. It also helps to stimulate the economy, which is always friendly and trendy.
The third most popular form of forgiveness also happens to be the least beneficial to the economy. It’s known as the simple action apology. The simple action apology is a personal admission of wrongdoing popularly expressed via language or sexual favors and sometimes both. It requires an audience of five or less and often occurs during an intervention or after the receipt of a credit card bill that reveals frequent trips to the strip club.
Although apologies may be the latest friendly trend, it’s important to note that one errs on the side of unpopularity when expressing such regrets to loved ones. After all, being in love means never having to say you’re sorry.
February 22, 2010 Posted by evankessler | Celebrities, Gifts, Methods, Relationships, Social Trends | Ali Macgraw, apologies, Britney Spears, cheating, ESPN, John Mayer, Love Story, Mazda Miata, Ryan O'Neal, sexual indiscretions, Tiger Woods, TMZ, TMZ.com, twitter, World Series of Poker | Leave a comment
The Trendliest is your friendly guide to latest trends. If you need to know what’s hop, hot, or now…well then you’ve got to read it. Not only is The Trendliest friendly and trendy, but it’s also satirical. So, if you find yourself easily offended by the content, there is a good chance that you are either silly, hyper-sensitive or Canadian. Lighten up Canucks.
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