The Trendliest

A Friendly Guide To The Latest Trends

Join The Parade!

Greetings Trendly Fellows and Fellettes!  Do you consider yourself to be a rugged individualist that feels most at home  when gathered with of a large group that shares the same ethnic makeup or sexual orientation as you?   Do you enjoy paying tribute to the stereotypical inklings of your kind by marching down a crowded street or cheering at those who do?  Whether you’re Gay, Irish, a gay Irishman, or just plain thankful that most of the Native Americans have been killed off, the best way to manifest these winning character traits is to indulge in the latest marker of social trendliness, putting your pride on Parade!

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No one knows where the term “Parade” came from, it is thought that it is derived from the ancient magazine “Hit Parader” which Axl Rose dissed in his song “Get In The Ring” on 1991’s Use Your Illusion II album.  Others think it comes from the Latin for “Par” meaning “to march” and “ade” meaning “wearing cutoff denim shorts and rollerblades.”

Not Quite A Full On Par-Ade

Not Quite A Full On Par-Ade

Parades have been in existence since the days of Roman rule when offenders of Roman law would be “Paraded” through streets of Jerusalem on their way to be crucified, so that those being sent to their death would see just how the public felt about them being sent to their death.  Most of the time these criminals were showered with “boos” and large stone projectiles to add insult to their imminent demise.  The chief offender was often held on high upon a moving platform and deemed the “Grand Marshall”.  The Grand Marshall would not only bear the brunt of  the ire of the people, but upon crucifixion had the daunting task of leading his fellow lawbreakers in the singing of “Always Look on The Bright Side of Life.” Failure to do so would result in a swift stabbing.

The most notable of early parade Grand Marshalls was Jesus H. Christ, who it is said, did a pretty dynamite job in getting not only his fellow inmates to sing, but also the crowd of onlookers.  As a result, he has a great deal of people who still follow his teachings that basically say, “You’ll see it’s all a show, keep on laughing as you go. Just remember that the last laugh is on you…and don’t forget to eat my body and drink my blood too.”

Jesus Bears The Brunt of Being an Early Grand Marshall

Jesus Bears The Brunt of Being an Early Grand Marshall

Modern day parades have evolved quite a bit from the spectacle of savage death-fests of Roman times.  Today they are largely celebratory affairs in which people show off their knack for stereotypical behavior they would normally boycott a movie over if said movie had someone of their heritage acting in a vaguely similar way.  They also happily impede on the personal space of those not interested in their spectacle in a show of sheer, obnoxious joy.  There are many occasions today that are seen as parade-worthy.

A Likeness of St. Patrick Marches Down A Crowded Parade Route

A Likeness of St. Patrick Marches Down A Crowded Parade Route

On St. Patrick’s day Irish people and people who pretend to be Irish- because on this day they’re not considered ‘alcoholics’ – gather together en masse on the streets of any number of cities imbibing green beer so that it might fill them with the liquid courage necessary to clear that city of snakes by urinating in public.  The gay pride parade gives homosexuals the chance to tell the entire city just how much they like civil rights and rainbows, while both the Columbus and Thanksgiving day parades give cause for white americans to taunt the remaining Native American population by annually showing up in greater numbers and pushing them out of the way to get a better view of floats..  No matter how you slice it, parades require the participation of plenty of enthusiastic parties.  And if that many people are excited about something, than it’s almost certainly trendly.

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February 24, 2009 Posted by | Religion, Sexuality, Social Trends | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Marching To Selma

Why hello there residents of Trend York City. Does your 40-hour-a-week job as an architect and second job selling hot roasted nuts barely net you enough money to keep that roof over your head and your tummy full of top ramen? Perhaps your current place of residence doesn’t allow for the suitable quality of life that usually comes commensurate with your salary. Maybe you’re looking for a cheaper locale in which you can get your career moving, settle down with a wife and 4.3 children, or just be a hip urban youngster enjoying the prime of your youth.

Well, if one of those three things sounds like what you’re after….then we’ve got just the place for you to realize your American Dream. We here at Trendliest reckon you should be headed for a place where your money will go miles further than most other urban areas… a place like Selma, Alabama.

Welcome To Selma, Alabama!

Not only is this southern city located on the muddy banks of the Mississippi, a historical landmark, but the “Butterfly Capital of the World” is practically begging to be gentrified….by you! If you’ve been living in a bubble…or Selma, Alabama and have no idea what gentrification is, it’s the process whereby young socially tolerant, upwardly-mobile (not Mobile, Alabama) white people take up residence in urban areas occupied largely by minorities and force that area’s minorities out by opening watering holes with indie-rock jukeboxes so that other young, hip, white people might feel comfortable should they decide to move to said town.

Yes there’ll plenty to do in Selma, Alabama once you’ve moved there and opened a record store or co-founded a blog about being a big city transplant in the deep south that will be read by a wide variety of northeastern hipsters who enjoy laughing at the differences they have with people less fortunate than them. This will naturally lead to a lucrative book deal and a film franchise starring the enchanting Reese Witherspoon.

Prius Fast! Prius Fast! Thank God Almighty, I Drive My Prius Fast!

While acclimating yourself to your new southern surroundings you should also have the opportunity to fight off advances from the local Ku Klux Klan chapter who will no doubt try to initiate you into their organization or even re-enact Martin Luther King Jr.’s historic March on Selma by driving your Prius back and forth in between there and Montgomery.

If all of that activity is not your speed, you can just stay home and sit on the porch enjoying that beautiful southern scenery while ironically listening to “Sweet Home Alabama” on your iPod whilst wearing a confederate flag t-shirt. Now if movin’ your hide down to Selma, Alabama don’t sound trendly to you, maybe we’re just whistlin’ dixie.

June 17, 2008 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment