Greetings citizens of the United States of Trendmerica! How bout those Olympics? Did you enjoy seeing Bode Miller and Lindsey Vonn glide down slopes to victory on tape delay? Did watching Apolo Anton Ohno take out two South Korean skaters to capture bronze give you a good old fashion heart attack of patriotism. Was there a tear streaming down your cheek each time you saw the red, white and blue perched high above that first place podium as the instrumental version of the National Anthem blared proudly above an athlete birthed in the lower 48? Well, you’re not alone. From February 12-28th of 2010 there was no better form of escapism from your lack of employment or health care than taking two and a half weeks to engage in the latest friendly trend known as blind nationalism.
Yes, ladies and trend-tleman while other nations may have stronger economies and a better education system, we Americans took comfort knowing that some guy from Illinois executed a triple lutz better than a guy that comes from a country your children can’t locate on a map; not for any personal glory, but just so people from his own nation would be proud of him.
What’s a triple lutz anyway? Who cares? We Americans can do anything we set our minds to unless it involves Ski Jumping or Curling. USA! USA!
While the Olympics is marketed as the ultimate coming together of nations for or a place for international athletes to totally get it on; the folks at home use it as a rallying point to show their superiority even if they live in a country that limits the rights of their minorities by placing bans on the types of clothing they wear, religious symbols they can erect or simply is responsible for giving the world Nickelback. What better way to lose focus on issues that plague ones nation than to pretend they don’t exist for two and a half weeks because someone can move really fast when there is ice beneath them.
Unfortunately, this friendly trend of completely warranted pride in one’s homeland comes with an expiration date. After the week or so of Olympic medalist talk show appearances, sports fans and people who enjoy seeing the distribution of precious metals to others beneath their flag, have to wait another few years before really feeling good about where they are living or where they were born.
But you know what they say, everything old is new again, and fortunately for our trend-lympians, we know the exact date that blind nationalism will be friendly and trendy yet again. Here’s looking at you London 2012.
Hey Trendly tidy freaks. Does the thought of rough two-ply TP send your butt cheeks into a fearful frenzy? Are you anal about keeping your a-hole as immaculate as Jesus’ conception? If you regularly put cleanliness next to godliness, then we here at Trendliest recommend you get on board with our new personal hygiene lord and savior, the bidet.
The bidet is certainly not a new wrinkle in the removal of the unsightly from our undersides. In fact, the bidet dates all the way back to 17th Century France when King Louis XIV held court at Versailles. The word bidet, however, did not apply to a special kind of plumbing fixture that squirted water to clean one’s bum and undercarriage, rather it referred to Laurent Bidet, a man who squirted water like a fountain from his mouth to clean the king’s bum and undercarriage after bouts of explosive diarrhea or in the event toilet leaf was not present, which was most of the time.
While Laurent Bidet took great pride in being the first man to repeatedly restore the King’s cleanliness and therefore his godliness, there were certain drawbacks to being the King’s personal rear end wiper; most notably was the splashback. Bidet eventually went insane and told Louis, “he could shove it up his ass,” in french. As a result, he was beheaded before the court and The King took his advice to heart using Bidet’s head as his own toilet towel until he contracted some rather nasty ailments.
Determined not to relive his father’s embarrassment, Francois Bidet developed the first modern era Bidet that with the turn of a faucet blasted warm water directly to the King’s anus, thus giving him a feeling of heavenly euphoria. Young Bidet was rewarded in riches and became the Louis XIV right hand man because he himself was a lefty.
Not so remarkably, the Bidet is still a much sought after device, as it allows those on the toilet to eschew the use of paper to beautify their bottom. It is estimated that each bidet saves about 250,000 trees a year, making it a truly one of the first green gadgets. So not only does the bidet put pleasure in proclaiming your cleanliness, but as it helps save the planet it puts a little godliness in your hands at the turn of a faucet or a blast in your behind. Now that’s what we call a friendly trend.