The Trendliest

A Friendly Guide To The Latest Trends

TV on The Radio

Greetings trendspiring actors and actresses! Have you had a major role on a made-for-TV movie, feature film, or perhaps just sat in the first row during a taping of “The Maury Povich show”? If you said yes, you’re probably all ready a huge or dim, flickering star. Well, now that you’ve shown your chops and had the chance to shine on the big screen, small screen, or as part of a live studio audience, isn’t about time you made the next logical leap in worldwide media domination?

Of course it is! And once you’ve gotten your fill of beautifying the world visually with your “acting”, there’s no trendlier move to cement your celebrity status than by adding some sweet, sweet music to your already impressive entertainment resume by releasing an album of mediocre to bad, upbeat pop songs.

Most people are unaware that being a media double threat is as old as the moving picture itself. Fred Ott, the star of Thomas Edison’s famous 1880’s short film of a man sneezing, parlayed his fame and recognition into a long and fruitful musical career as banjoist and lead vocalist for Booger Freddy and The Sneezers- Menlo Park, NJs premiere Bluegrass outfit and winner of seven Grammy awards.

Freddy of Freddy and The Sneezers in Action

While Freddy may have been the first to achieve such a feat, he left ample footprints for many on screen celebrities to follow in. In the 1950’s people like Doris Day and Frank Sinatra transitioned seamlessly back and forth between film and music, much like Will Smith does today. Perhaps the biggest success of the era was King Kong siren and scream queen Fay Wray who put out an entire 78 of shrieks that served as a musical precursor to punk rock.

Punk Pioneer Fay Wray

Today there’s an entirely new era of TV talent clamoring for record industry success. Super talents like Don Johnson, Heidi Montag, Hayden Panetierre, Lindsay Lohan, and Hillary Duff often leave their careers as superstars of the “Boobs tube” to pursue the secondary drama club dream of using space-aged “Studio Magic” and a talented slew of European songwriters to dutifully perform innocuous, meaningless songs in front of scores of shrieking teen fans who in the following years will wonder what they were thinking.

Ms. Montag: Scary/Talented

Either way, these stars will have made a boatload of money…and really what’s trendlier than earning heaps of money by exploiting kids who have yet to form personalities and don’t know any better than to buy your music because they envy you for no apparent reason…and then using that money to have three breast augmentation surgeries.

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July 17, 2008 Posted by | Celebrities, Entertainment, Film, Music, Television | , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Praise The Lord!

Welcome worshipers to the Church of the Holy Trend-ity. Today we’re going to show you the light so that you never wander astray from living a trendly life…Can I get an amen?!?! As you may well know, Jesus Christ sacrificed his life and all things trendy so that we, his children, might do the opposite: embrace trendy things, and not die on a giant, lower-cased T. Yes, by sacrificing his want for meat on Fridays, various sexual encounters and ultimately life…he gave us the power to indulge in the wrong, so that we might one day renounce all of the fun stuff in his name and spend eternity in heaven sitting next to him watching closed circuit tv of all of our living grandchildren. And for that we think you should be engaging in the Trendliest religious act there is….Thanking God.

Amen, brothers and sisters! Thanking God or just saying “Thanks God!” is essential to success in nearly every field save for Olympic Archery, provided you’re not in a third world country. Perhaps that’s why you can hear it echoing in the world’s houses of worship, casinos, winning locker rooms, and walk-in closets. In order to effectively thank God, you must first bow your head, clasp your hands, free your mind of all things relating to the upcoming G.I. Joe movie, and thank the Lord! You may also address The Pope if he happens to be in the stadium of your local baseball team. Can I get a “Hallelujah”?

The Man Upstairs is Not A Fan

When an upcoming musician wins a Grammy award for “Best R&B Song in a Film or Ringtone” he or she always makes sure to thank “the big man upstairs” – which is of course, portly uber-producer to the stars: God! When a gas pipe explodes at the very street corner you stand at every day waiting for the bus after going the gym, killing 70 people and a bus full of terminally ill school children heading to the “Make-a-Wish” headquarters – you, breathe a sigh of relief and thank God for the flat screen television you’re watching the tragedy unfold on, because you were feeling lazy and decided to skip the gym.

Yes, the most gratifying part of life it seems these days is getting the opportunity to thank God for everything. From the monumental – getting the perfect job, to the minor – avoiding a carjacking, thanking God comes into play in every situation. As the popular wartime slogan goes “If you’re not in the car with God, you’re probably sitting shotgun with some weird, eight-armed deity,” and, frankly, thanking an octopus is not as trendy as one would think. So the next time you find yourself at a podium accepting an award for your hit song “Baby, I Want to Be All Up In Your Uhhh” featuring Li’l Benvolio or just finding the warp zone to the 8th level on Super Mario Bros., remember to thank God. It’s the righteous and trendly thing to do.

An SB-EK Collaboration

April 16, 2008 Posted by | Religion | , , , , , , , | Leave a comment