Greetings Trendly Tweeters and Facebook status flirts. Do you spend the majority of your day tethered to an electronic device not designed to give you sexual pleasure?Are you fully up to speed on the whereabouts and goings on of all of the seven hundred people in your online network yet draw a blank every time you try to imagine what their voice sounds like? And when it comes to your own voice do you have trouble remembering whether it’s more nasal, manly, or just somewhere in between? If you said yes to all of those it’s time to clear the cobwebs in your throat and get familiar with a trend that, well, used to be really popular a year or two ago…the trend of actual conversation.
Yes ladies and trend-tleman the oral adventure that is human communication has taken many forms since the lord created man on the seventh day and then planted evolutionary clues to convince scientists their whims had the slightest merit. Early man used grunts and hisses to impart such important notions as “please pass the salt” and “I’m going to go hit that pig over the head many times with a club so that we can have it for dinner and then rape that female.” While we were on track to develop a complex language based on those hisses and grunts for quite awhile, the almighty himself deferred communicative ease for a few years after an unsatisfactory architecture experiment at Babel. This failed “tower” project not only made conversation impossible but it allowed for the worldwide spread of mankind and development of different linguistic characteristics to the point where we needed a phrasebook to figure out what people like Dennis Miller and the French were talking about.
Thanks to the advent of technology and the imperialistic notions of such nations as Great Britain, The United States of America and Finland, there is now an “international language” that doesn’t involve sexual favors for the exchange of spices. That language is “innovation” and that innovation usually comes with an English instruction manual and now includes visual aides typed via computer. While mankind has fought so hard to bring themselves closer together, many technological advances have provided the ruse of progress due to the fact that while we think sharing links of kitty videos over the Internet is uniting us, we will never actually get to see the people who we are sharing those videos with naked and in person.
However, thanks to the potential re-embrace of the idea of actual conversation people are talking, talking about people, and not only that, those very same people are now starting to remember that face to face interaction and chronic halitosis is a lot more desirable than chronic carpal tunnel syndrome and blurred vision. So that’s why we here at Trendliest are urging you to put down that Twitter, head down to the local pub and buy yourself something bitter and talk it out with some of your best buds instead of typing it. Give those vocal chords the workout they’ve been begging for.
May 15, 2009 Posted by evankessler | Language, Social Trends, Technology | Communication, conversation, Dennis Miller, French people, Great Britain, Internet, Sexual favors, spices, Tower of Babel, twitter, UK, United States of American, voice | Leave a comment
Whether or not you consider yourself a member of Generation X, Generation Y, The MTV Generation, or The Generation that really hates to be labeled with letters; if you’re under the age of 40, odds are that you’re currently lumped into a new generation known as the Social Networking Generation. Ever since the dawn of Friendster sometime around 2003, it’s been totally trendy to have a digital space to show all of your friends how many other friends you have just in case you want to make them jealous that you might have other people to hang out with besides them or if you want your other friends to find someone attractive within your group of friends that they don’t know that they may want to have unprotected sex with and/or fall in deep like with.
Aside from the glory that comes along with showing off the fact that you are semi-acquainted with more than 116 people, there are some thrilling occurrences that go along with Social Networking. Perhaps the biggest thrill comes from a group of Social Networkers which we here at The Trendliest call the “Woodworks”. The “Woodworks” are the group of people from your past who you may have met in school or perhaps during a boating accident that come seemingly out of nowhere or from the deep recesses of the forest known as the Internet to declare that you are indeed friends with them despite having been out of your life for somewhere between ten to fifteen years. While there are a decent portion of these so-called “Woodworks” that are recognized as welcome additions, many of them might as well go back to existing in the vacuum where they came from.
So why do they do it? Why do these “Woodworks” feel the need to re-establish contact with your metaphorical mission control? Maybe they’re hoping to rekindle a long dormant friendship or rehash some of the good ol’ times. While those possibilities sound marginally fantastic, chances are they just want to add you to their impressive roster of people they sort of know, but aren’t planning on speaking to or getting together with any time soon. No matter how curious you are about their well being or their whereabouts…all you are to them is a personal ornament on display for their own popularity’s sake that they can occasionally spy on.
This begs the question, why even accept woodworks into your social networking circle? Well, trendly Internet denizen, while there is no positively concrete answer to this query, there are certain acceptable responses; the first being that becoming friends with a “woodwork” may arouse enough curiosity in said person that they might see fit to rediscover your once unbreakable bond. However, the most popular reason for acceptance of said netquaintances is the hope that adding them to your friend roster will result in a future hand job or awkward sexual encounter made possible by a binge drinking outing.
Yes, the Social Networking Era…has blessed us with many gifts. We have the ability to play Scrabulous with our friends online or digitally “poke them” when we’re not physically trying to poke them. However, one thing still persists and that’s the “Woodworks”. Nary a day goes by when someone doesn’t come out of the woodwork to say, “Hey Trendliest, we were friends once…let’s be friends and ignore each other just like old times.” Yes, friendship with absolutely, positively no commitment necessary. Now that’s what we call trendly!
Hello my Trendlies, Are you doing something friendly and trendy right now? Well how about now? Even if it isn’t trendly, you should probably tell us what it is you’re up to. Why? Because knowing what everyone else is doing all of the time is unbelievably trendly. As you’re reading this I’m doing perhaps the trendliest thing of all, blogging. While blogging may be a hot new way to show a nation on the edge of it’s seat important photos of your cat, it can no way inform people as to your regular whereabouts and goings on. The fact of the matter is everyone wants to know what you’re up to whether you’re in a bathtub getting ready to pop out junior with your midwife, poisoning the water supply in Myanmar or just plain hangin’ out. To put it briefly, you’re not cool unless somebody knows you’re cool. Thanks to technological advances like super computers, cell phones and the Swiffer Sweeper, keeping eager stalkers constantly apprised of your goings on has never been easier.
Way back in 1492 when Columbus sailed the ocean blue he forgot to tell his roommates he was even leaving the house and they were totally pissed when he ditched out without getting someone to sublet. It was four months before they knew he was gone and another two months before they were beheaded in a public square for not paying the full rent. If they could’ve checked his Facebox profile they would’ve seen the phrase “Christopher Columbus is out sailing for a few months” on his status update and put an ad up on Craigslist or on the town square bulletin board and avoided their subsequent guillotine rendezvous. Thanks to sites like Twitter and Tellmewhatyouredoingallofthetime.com this is so not a problem. These sites allow users to constantly give people the lowdown on what they’re up to by typing in their daily minutia into a browser so that you never have to exercise those pesky amenities known as their voice or their privacy ever again.
The trendliest people, a.k.a Celebrities, even have their own uber-exclusive telling everyone what they’re doing all the time service called TMZ.com. TMZ.com uses a complex system of stalkers with video and photo equipment aimed at the crotches of female celebrities to let the rest of the world know that celebrities never have underwear, always have genitalia, and sometimes go to the supermarket. Now that’s what we call trendly!
April 7, 2008 Posted by evankessler | Celebrities, Electronics, Social Trends, Technology | Britney Spears, Christopher Columbus, craigslist, Facebox, Internet, knowing what people are doing, midwives, Myanmar, pregnancy, stalkers, stalking, swiffer sweeper, TMZ.com, trendliest, trends, twitter | Leave a comment
The Trendliest is your friendly guide to latest trends. If you need to know what’s hop, hot, or now…well then you’ve got to read it. Not only is The Trendliest friendly and trendy, but it’s also satirical. So, if you find yourself easily offended by the content, there is a good chance that you are either silly, hyper-sensitive or Canadian. Lighten up Canucks.
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