The Trendliest

A Friendly Guide To The Latest Trends

What’s My (Nick)Name?

Hello little Trendilinis. How are you doing today? What’s that, you don’t like when we call you our little Trendilinis? Oh, our bad. Look, we’ll make a deal with you; you tell us what you want to be called and from now on that’s what we’ll call you, because when it comes to reinventing yourself giving yourself a nickname is just about the trendliest thing you can do.

There’s no better way to conquer insecurity than to show everyone that names don’t hurt you…as long as they’re names that come from a pre-approved list. After all being called “Taz”or “The Rickster Scale” is heaps better than being called a “Midtown Douche” or “That Asshole In Ad Sales” even though they ostensibly carry the same meaning.

Give “The Rickster Scale” A Moment…He’s Busy

Once you come up with a suitable nickname that accurately portrays your character, “Carrot Top”, you have to be sure to get it into everyone’s head. There’s no better way to do that than to refer to yourself in the third person (another potentially trendly practice). For example, “The Mac Daddy is going to put his pants backwards” and “The Kid is going to his 58th birthday party.”

It’ll take a while for everyone to realize who you’re talking about, but once they’ve figured it out you’ll be on easy street. Even though most people will originally consider your new nickname a joke, turning them around is simple. All you have to do is start insisting on responding to that nickname and that nickname alone and they’ll be forced to employ it in everyday conversation, ultimately bending them to your will…and really what’s more trendly than getting people to bend to your will. Not much…And we should know best, The Trendliest isn’t our real name.

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July 22, 2008 Posted by | Methods, Social Trends | , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Get The Funk Out!

Welcome back Trendly friends. Did you miss us while we were away? We hope not too much. Who are we kidding? We hope you missed us lots because then you’ll be thrilled to know that during our vacation time, we discovered all sorts of exclusive and friendly trends that we’ll be passing along to you, our privileged readers. So are you ready to “get down” to the nitty gritty? We certainly are.

Are you longing to march to the beat of a different drummer because the current drummer you’re marching to has a difficult time performing “We Will Rock You” on Rock band’s easiest setting? Well maybe you need to change your tune entirely and get hip to the hoppest genre of music there is…Funk.

Many people associate Funk music with famous 70’s bands like Sly and The Family Stone, K.C. and The Sunshine Band, and Peter, Paul, and Funktastic…but most people don’t know that Funk music is just another sad example of black people co-opting white culture. The first “Funk” song was actually the Star-Spangled Banner. The song, also known as the National Anthem” was written by Francis Scott Key and is crazy funky, spanning eight octaves. In fact, the term “Funky” is a by product of the name Francis Scott Key. The first time Key sang the song for US Naval Academy band, one of the trumpet players asked “is F (Francis’ nickname) on key?” Another player overheard him thinking he was describing the song as “Fonky”. As time wore on, people began to fiddle with the first “Fonky” song adding hot bass-lines and changing the lyrics altogether until the song sounded something like Parliament Funkadelic’s “Free Your Mind And Your Ass Will Follow”. The word “Fonky”followed suit evolving into funky.
The “Fonky” One
The Funky One

Nowadays everyone is getting into “Funk” music. Young people everywhere that smoke heaps of pot and think both Phish, Dave Matthews, and Snoop Dogg are really “solid” are being inspired to grab a bass and five or six other marginally talented bandmates to kick out the jams. In order to found a formidable modern day Funk outfit there are several crucial elements that must be combined. First, the band must consist of a majority of white bandmates save for one African- American who can really “bust out” on the trumpet or saxophone. The second crucial element for a funk band is a cool name that incorporates the word “Funk”. Some acceptable names include “Confunkshun Junction”, “Grand Funk Railroad” and “Funk Your Mother”.

Correct Funk Band Lineup

If a band wants to be known as a “fusion funk” band, meaning they incorporate Jazz, Disco, Pakistani Qawwali music, and Dave Matthews into their sound, they can also employ the word “Soul” into their moniker. For example, “Soulgazm” or “The Soulfunk Fusion Express Train” are valid fusion band names. The third step to a long and fruitful career as a “Funk” band is to frequent bars that only feature other marginally talented, mostly caucasian funk bands and cater to a mostly upper-middle class collegiate fan-base who have no rhythm, but love to dance by moving their arms as though they were weaving some sort of “air craft”.

After all what’s more friendly and trendy than dancing and creating a non-existent art project with your own hands. That’s for us to know and you to find out…by listening to some Funk music…the trendliest music there is…for now.

May 12, 2008 Posted by | Music | , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment